My 21 year old son has been in rehab for alcohol and drug addiction for almost three months. He will be there for at least two more weeks and I'm hopeful for his recovery. I'm not fooling myself. I know relapse is a very real possibility. The past two years have been sheer hell. I'm slowly realizing how sick I have been. It's important for me to focus on healing myself and focusing on my own behavior whether or not my son stays clean. I've attended online and phone alanon meetings because my schedule has been so crazy, but my next step must be to make attending in-person alanon meetings and getting a sponsor a priority.
I think back on my contributions to the craziness:
The powerful denial I experienced is embarrassing when I think back now. Perhaps once you know your child is an addict, you become wise to the lies and the cover-ups, but before that occurs, the denial is powerful stuff. I have to admit, the denial continued to occur even for quite some time after I knew he was drinking heavily on a regular basis. I wanted to believe my son.
The enabling I did...it just goes on too long. I never bought my son alcohol or drugs and I never gave him money. But he stole from me and when I told him to pay it back and he told me he wasn't going to pay back s***, I made excuses for him. I constantly made excuses for him. My enabling was constant excuses and trying to save him from consequences. I finally did have to detach with love because I was dying.
And now it's time for me to become healthy again. To learn not to be co-dependent in ALL relationships, not just the one with my son...because I seem to want to save everyone and to think I can fix everything. It's laughable how I think I am so smart that I know the right way for everyone. That I have control over others.
I have a LONG way to go, but I'm proud of some of the steps I've taken. I no longer feed into my son's anxieties. A little over a month ago, my son called and said that when he got out of rehab he needed a car or he wouldn't be able to get a job or go to meetings. Immediately, I took on his problems and told him he could take the bus. When he got angry and told me he'd never take the bus, I got angry and asked if he thought he was better than everybody else and was he too good to take the bus? I told him I took the bus when I was his age and what was his problem?
I finally see MY ROLE in that conversation.
Just this past weekend, we had a similar conversation. My son said he needed a car when he got out of rehab. I listened to him talk and didn't respond. When there was silence, I asked him what he was going to do. He told me he needed his bike from the house to bring to his sober living facility so he could get around to meetings and to his job, once he found one.
Powerful. I see firsthand how sick I was (and still am) from this disease. I am looking forward to a new life.
Wow! I could have written most of this. I never had a problem with denial, and not too bad with saving from consequences. However, my main problem is trying to jump in and take care of everything, every time he shows a little inclination to stop.
I just re-realized my insanity yesterday on this topic. My son is inpatient, and I jumped into action to get school things ready, fix the car, mediate with the girlfriend, save the world....
Man, without even realizing it, I jumped into the bull again. I SO want to make sure this works, and I cannot. Serenity prayer! I had a great talk with one of the counselors yesterday. She reminded this ain't my problem, my situation, my life. That nothing is under my control. And, that I can orchestrate all these outside things, but it is futile.
The pain this last week was excruciating and I did it to myself. He was happy, I was happy. He was mad, I was afraid he was going to fail, He was sad, I was devastated, and on and on the gerbil wheel. Just like that, I was back in full codependency. I rationalized it by saying that he is trying to stop, so I can do all this stuff, I am being helpful....not.
So, I am proud of you! Let's get healthy together.
I just re-realized my insanity yesterday on this topic. My son is inpatient, and I jumped into action to get school things ready, fix the car, mediate with the girlfriend, save the world....
Man, without even realizing it, I jumped into the bull again. I SO want to make sure this works, and I cannot. Serenity prayer! I had a great talk with one of the counselors yesterday. She reminded this ain't my problem, my situation, my life. That nothing is under my control. And, that I can orchestrate all these outside things, but it is futile.
The pain this last week was excruciating and I did it to myself. He was happy, I was happy. He was mad, I was afraid he was going to fail, He was sad, I was devastated, and on and on the gerbil wheel. Just like that, I was back in full codependency. I rationalized it by saying that he is trying to stop, so I can do all this stuff, I am being helpful....not.
So, I am proud of you! Let's get healthy together.
Parenting2, I'm proud of you too! You described my unhealthy reactions to the tee. A month ago, when my son was depressed, I was worried and depressed. When my son was anxious, I was worried and anxious. I'm breaking that pattern. But I do know I need alanon and a sponsor!
I am on that flip flop roller coaster too. and throw in pinball between husband and son. when one show improvement the other derails it. I have recently found a recovery center for addicts and family and started going to meetings (aren't that great, but a place to go for 'me' for one hour a week).... and started counseling sessions that I am looking forward to. but they are slow to get started, especially around holidays! My main goal is to get son into a good recovery and support situation. and my husband and son into counseling. My main problem is that neither is as optimistic or 'on board' as I am... yet they need it the most! to both of them when I talk about counseling and recovery, I can see my words just fall off their shoulders and on to the floor. They just want to stay on the same path - angry, blaming, etc. don't want to make a big change - just want to keep doing, and everyone else should change. my husband claims it is not his fault - why should he inconvenient himself. at the moment they both say they will go to counseling, but I can tell they are not willing participants and are not seeing it the way I do. we have let our son figure this out on his own and it is still too big for him. At the same time, it is not the worst situation. He has a new job, although it is outside and in the winter. my husband does not see that it is good he is working. if my son says it was horrible-cold out, his dad concludes he is whining about it. they both have bad attitude. on the son's side, there is still the disappearing cash that always becomes an argument. so I think they are both 50/50 wrong and right. they need counseling to duke it out!! That is my goal for 2018. I wish my son would understand that his relationship w his dad is toxic to live in the same house and I wish that would give him the motivation to leave addiction behind so he could afford to live on his own.... that is my new year's wish.
ps - I ordered a workbook from smartrecovery.org
ps- my husband wants someone else to fix the problems
ps - I ordered a workbook from smartrecovery.org
ps- my husband wants someone else to fix the problems
NyToFlorida, you'll have to let us know if you found your smartrecovery workbook helpful. I've been doing some reading and read about a blueprint workbook put out by alanon for working on step 4 that I've been interested in as well. I think we can only focus on our own behavior because as much as we want others to get well, we can only control ourselves. I heard someone say that she's learning to "clean up HER side of the street", to look at her role in situations and consider how she chooses to respond. When she gets bothered by others now, she said she recovers more quickly, rather than stewing about it for days or weeks. You wrote that you're going to meetings, but they aren't that great. How many have you attended?
Just to clear my husband - he is hanging in there, trying to be patient. We had gone to naranon meetings about 4 yrs ago, for about a year. It was very helpful. small group of about 10 or so. currently the meeting I started to go to is alanon - at least 20 people. only enough time to do the introduction, read an excerpt of something and then everyone comments on the reading for 2-3 minutes each. then, meeting is over. not enough time to get into any individual stuff. it is OK - it does give me the time to stop my day and focus on my mental health. in the thought of "why am I sitting in the meeting today - in order to give to me" This meeting is at the same center I started to go to one on one counseling. and they are saying they will be starting a Mom's group meeting once a week.
I can say we have spent 4 years in the trenches w our son. first year he said he would handle it, change his life, moved away, got job - nothing changed. next two years rehab, sober living, relapse, repeat. this past year - we let him come home - had job for 8 months. lived at gf most of time. the doc changed - no longer oxy - has been klonopin and ADD med. he did start seeing dr and therapist about 3 months ago. he says he takes meds minimally - but it is still sketchy - still needs $$ and the meds are not at home. disappear as soon as he gets them. overall - I guess I could say there is an improvement in the severity of the addiction. but he is still juggling addiction dysfunctionally. is not in a recovery program. the drs he sees are mental health and I don't think he has told them truth, probably just getting meds. we have given him a chance while we wait and watch.... still same behavior.
In the past few months, I realized I can not live on eggshells between husband and son. don't want to go thru another holiday season wishing the holiday away - hoping to get thru without a crisis. and I can not stop giving a few twenties as needed, or buying cigs, or tank of gas. always with same old conversation, repeat next week. We both know we should not let him drive our car, but we cant bring ourselves to take it away. we actually feel better when he is not home.
I found the recovery center and will continue on my path, maybe they (husb and son) will jump in maybe they wont. my husband has talked about 'retirement' for years, but now that I want to pull the plug on NY, he has cold feet! He does not like drastic changes - or fear of the unknown. I am looking at it like - why not see what we are capable of doing.
I don't want to be a sitting target any more! if husband wants to stay, do I have to stay and suffer, I am more of a target than he is. I don't want a divorce. I could say I'm moving, come join me when you can!
the only role my husband and I play is in enabling - use of car and minimal cash. my husband gets angry - WTF attitude - I read and think and wish - Now I have decided to stop wishing and start doing for me. If I want to move I need to get the wheels in motion.
Yeah - our words are not working, not helping - same old, same old, my husband trys to bully him into "doing things right".. As you stated I saw the need for us to start reacting differently - I am being more candid - more detached - less problem solving. he has all the tools he needs. he has to use them, not us, we already know how to use them.
thanks for sharing! sorry my posts are so long.
I can say we have spent 4 years in the trenches w our son. first year he said he would handle it, change his life, moved away, got job - nothing changed. next two years rehab, sober living, relapse, repeat. this past year - we let him come home - had job for 8 months. lived at gf most of time. the doc changed - no longer oxy - has been klonopin and ADD med. he did start seeing dr and therapist about 3 months ago. he says he takes meds minimally - but it is still sketchy - still needs $$ and the meds are not at home. disappear as soon as he gets them. overall - I guess I could say there is an improvement in the severity of the addiction. but he is still juggling addiction dysfunctionally. is not in a recovery program. the drs he sees are mental health and I don't think he has told them truth, probably just getting meds. we have given him a chance while we wait and watch.... still same behavior.
In the past few months, I realized I can not live on eggshells between husband and son. don't want to go thru another holiday season wishing the holiday away - hoping to get thru without a crisis. and I can not stop giving a few twenties as needed, or buying cigs, or tank of gas. always with same old conversation, repeat next week. We both know we should not let him drive our car, but we cant bring ourselves to take it away. we actually feel better when he is not home.
I found the recovery center and will continue on my path, maybe they (husb and son) will jump in maybe they wont. my husband has talked about 'retirement' for years, but now that I want to pull the plug on NY, he has cold feet! He does not like drastic changes - or fear of the unknown. I am looking at it like - why not see what we are capable of doing.
I don't want to be a sitting target any more! if husband wants to stay, do I have to stay and suffer, I am more of a target than he is. I don't want a divorce. I could say I'm moving, come join me when you can!
the only role my husband and I play is in enabling - use of car and minimal cash. my husband gets angry - WTF attitude - I read and think and wish - Now I have decided to stop wishing and start doing for me. If I want to move I need to get the wheels in motion.
Yeah - our words are not working, not helping - same old, same old, my husband trys to bully him into "doing things right".. As you stated I saw the need for us to start reacting differently - I am being more candid - more detached - less problem solving. he has all the tools he needs. he has to use them, not us, we already know how to use them.
thanks for sharing! sorry my posts are so long.
re - problem solving - for the past few years I think my husband and I jump in because we are capable and we think we are showing by example and expect our son to continue what we teach. That where the problem lies. he does not learn by our example, talks, emails, texts, and so on.
NyToFlorida, it sounds like you have some difficult decisions to make about moving but I think it's really great you're taking steps to take care of yourself. And I know exactly where you're coming from, continuing to give your son advice because you know best. I did that over and over for two years and most of it fell on deaf ears. I'm trying some different ways of communicating now that seem to be better. Not perfect, but better. Mostly I listen and let my son solve his own problems. I've advised him for years and he has all the tools (just as you said). It's time for my son to figure things out on his own. Because of my son's severe depression and anxiety, I felt like he needed me and that I had to rescue him. What I didn't realize is that every time I advised him or told him what I thought he should do, I was creating more dependence on me. That's the opposite of what I want! I want an independent adult son.
