Hello,
This is something I probably should have done a million years ago. I've been the brother of an addict for 25 years. In that time he's tried all the pills (Oxy, Valium, synthetic opioids,etc.). He's also been allowed to live at home with my parents the entire time. Basically, they allowed this because he also suffers from cluster headaches, evidently the worst known. My father moved out of the house and into a nursing home 5 years ago. In that time my mother and brother have developed what I can only explain as just a horribly dysfunctional relationship. I moved back to the area where they live recently and have found that he loans a car I bought my mom out to dealers, returns food I bought them for the money. The house where they live is falling apart from years of neglect, I don't think he's ever spent a dime on repairs. Just this morning one of his druggie friends called when I was their, my mom answered and actually had a conversation with them.
I've developed so much anger toward them at this point.
We should have kicked him out years ago or at the very least five years ago when my father went into a nursing home. So, after years of this stuff it's all left to me to find a place for my mom to live, probably independent living. I feel like giving up on my brother. When I lived here before I tried to help him, would take him to therapy, etc. But he was always such a devious liar I just gave up and thought, it's up to him.
I'm worried about my own anger at this point, towards my mom for doing so little and towards him for never finding some other way to be. I should have never come back here.
Wow! I feel for you. That is a lot to take in, and I would be totally angry also.
Yes, I would take care of your Mom, and do what you need to do-sell the house, move her somewhere more appropriate. You owe your brother nothing. I know it is the drugs, but, as you say, that is such a disgusting way to treat your mom.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I notice that some of my other kids really are developing an understandable anger towards my son. It helps me make the right choices in NOT enabling him. It just is not fair to the other kids who are actually doing the right thing. Doing the right thing, working, saving money, studying, etc. is not easy. No one should be rewarded for bad behavior.
Wishing you support and peace. Some social services agencies may be able to help you. And, help you get your brother out of the house.
Yes, I would take care of your Mom, and do what you need to do-sell the house, move her somewhere more appropriate. You owe your brother nothing. I know it is the drugs, but, as you say, that is such a disgusting way to treat your mom.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. I notice that some of my other kids really are developing an understandable anger towards my son. It helps me make the right choices in NOT enabling him. It just is not fair to the other kids who are actually doing the right thing. Doing the right thing, working, saving money, studying, etc. is not easy. No one should be rewarded for bad behavior.
Wishing you support and peace. Some social services agencies may be able to help you. And, help you get your brother out of the house.
Thank you very much. I wonder if there's not some kind of strictly online therapy for this kind of thing.
Philoinc, your story is overwhelming. even in the best of situations it is emotionally draining and time consuming and financially complicated to help our aging parents navigate the transition from their own home to a assisted living or independent living or nursing home. Your brother's dependency and lack of help or support in any way will be tough to deal with. and it wont just be a lack of help it will be like swimming against the tide, every day. You would have to be Superman to get through it. on top of that, you are probably working full time. I don't know who you would talk to for advice - a social worker for the elderly? - a lawyer to get financial documents in order? try and think of what you want the outcome to be in each area - housing, financial, medical, for your mom and dad, and then try to work to that end point - you may have to accept trade-offs - maybe things wont be done exactly as you would want, but you have to cut the losses and move on (emotional losses and financial)
there are lawyers - probably estate lawyer - who will act as executor - or there is someone the lawyer works with - to handle an estate, trust, financial stuff. possibly you can set it all up so you have minimal involvement. meaning - someone else handles your parents finances so you are not stuck in the middle with the check book.
At times when there is a difference of opinion, try to go with the easy way out. choose what ever options are easiest, and have no strings attached to you - so you can make a clean get-away.
It is an anger ridden situation. a relative of mine is going thru a divorce with a dysfunctional spouse. it has been emotional for two years. the relative has learned to accept what ever the outcome will be. possibly loose the house and all of his stuff including family possessions bc the ex cant cooperate long enough to let him get a bicycle out of the garage. at this time the relative just wants an end to the difficulties and peace of mind and never to deal w the ex again. It makes him angry with every conversation or lack of, and with every reminder of how his house has turned into garbage with the ex living there. any logical good idea is disregarded.
therefore, I suggest you do what it takes to make matters quick and easy on yourself. If you receive resistance, do what you can and walk away. give your attention to those who appreciate it.
regarding the addiction - we have been going thru it with my son for 5 years. it is a sad situation, waiting for him to wake up and 'be normal' -- while helping him, yet trying not to loose ourselves.
I hope something I said helps you. if only to put your mind at ease that you are not alone. many of us struggle with these complications. get in and get out as fast as you can!
there are lawyers - probably estate lawyer - who will act as executor - or there is someone the lawyer works with - to handle an estate, trust, financial stuff. possibly you can set it all up so you have minimal involvement. meaning - someone else handles your parents finances so you are not stuck in the middle with the check book.
At times when there is a difference of opinion, try to go with the easy way out. choose what ever options are easiest, and have no strings attached to you - so you can make a clean get-away.
It is an anger ridden situation. a relative of mine is going thru a divorce with a dysfunctional spouse. it has been emotional for two years. the relative has learned to accept what ever the outcome will be. possibly loose the house and all of his stuff including family possessions bc the ex cant cooperate long enough to let him get a bicycle out of the garage. at this time the relative just wants an end to the difficulties and peace of mind and never to deal w the ex again. It makes him angry with every conversation or lack of, and with every reminder of how his house has turned into garbage with the ex living there. any logical good idea is disregarded.
therefore, I suggest you do what it takes to make matters quick and easy on yourself. If you receive resistance, do what you can and walk away. give your attention to those who appreciate it.
regarding the addiction - we have been going thru it with my son for 5 years. it is a sad situation, waiting for him to wake up and 'be normal' -- while helping him, yet trying not to loose ourselves.
I hope something I said helps you. if only to put your mind at ease that you are not alone. many of us struggle with these complications. get in and get out as fast as you can!
