I am hoping for some feedback from some of you as I am really struggling. To sum up what's going on, about a year ago I met an amazing guy and we hit it out of the park immediately. We had so much fun together, the communication was amazing and relationship out of a dream for both of us. I had recovered from a long term relationship with another guy who was mentally ill and I was a caregiver. I had suffered years of no intimacy with him and had really felt the neglect and mental abuse. I went through an amazing discovery through counseling and was ready to date again.
With this new relationship I was so happy, went through my checklist and he met it all. He was so very attentive to me both emotionally and physically. I was able to let go with him and we went out socially constantly and I was able to have a few drinks and relax with, something I could not do before in my previous relationship. He moved in with me and by October I decided it was time to finally get married. I proposed and he accepted gleefully. What a dream. We had the best Christmas ever. In mid January we got married with just our moms. He had beautiful vows for me and I for him. I was truly with a giver who put in as much as me. He left his career to help me run my very successful business.
The next day we went to dinner with friends and then out for drinks. We had too many. My partner drove and we got in a horrible accident not far from home. We totaled our brand new SUV. He was arrested with a high blood alcohol. First offense and it was horrid. We were able to go one our preplanned honeymoon in the Keys before sentencing and had the time of our lives. We knew we had a lot to deal with when we got home but we're going to enjoy now. He pronounced his love for me throughout. It was amazing.
We got home and he was sentenced. No drinking for a year, some community service and that's about it. PBT's three times a day. Instantly he withdrew. I didn't think much at first. We stopped all intimacy. I mean, no more I love You's, snuggling, kisses or sex. I would ask what's up and he just said it was a lot. He admitted he was an alcoholic and had been drinking heavily for 10 years. He is 30, I am 45. I was shocked. I didn't see the signs. He was a very happy drinker. Things got worse. Our social life was so different. He said he was questioning all decisions he had made for the past 10 years. He had big regrets. I asked if I was one and he kept saying no. We had made a purchase agreement on our dream house which we sign on this Friday in fact. We are putting everything we have into it as a down payment.
After two horrible trips to Florida feeling disconnected and no intimacy he finally admitted in the middle of the last one that he knows he loves me but for some reason doesn't feel any attraction for me. He wants intimacy but not with me. He is not being unfaithful I am confident and that is not a concern. I asked if we could see a counselor and he said absolutely yes. We have had many sessions in the past month and uncovered a few good things such as how he needs time to himself regularly and was afraid to ask and things like that. We are communicating wonderfully and overall have a great time. Just no intimacy. At all. We sleep together but don't touch. Our counselor is not concerned saying we have all the other elements and that this will work out. My husband says it's his issue and he is hopeful and is not going to walk away. Last week our counselor said we need to just fly on our own and is so very pleased with how we are doing. We see him in a month. The understanding is that he is in the drivers seat for intimacy and I just wait.
I am constantly struggling with the no intimacy part. I feel like I am suffering so much. I feel like I am just waiting to see if he wants to be with me. It's hard because we keep planning our life, making travel plans, planning our house and life. It's so hard because I feel like we have so many elements... just not all of it and it constantly brings up feelings of lack of intimacy from my last. I work out all of the time and am a great looking guy. I am doing good at keeping my self esteem intact but it's hard. My husband says he just needs me to stay strong. I love my husband like no other. He is my best friend. The other day was my birthday and he gave me a beautiful card as well as a piece of artwork saying "I keep falling in love" with a fun pic of us he attached. I am but.. I worry at times I am being dumb and wonder where this is going. Is this behavior of intimacy issues normal in recovery? Oh and my husband is seeing our counselor individually about dealing with his past which I think is great. He does not do AA, but is in a program of group ordered by the court for another month. Any thoughts, advice or encouragement? Thank you ;-)
Hi Sorry you are going thru this. It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things - counciling, etc. The advice I would give is - do not get into anything financially that you can not get out of. such has putting everything into the house of your dreams. It is time to minimize. let him go back to his career and you focus on your business. minimize home ownership. keep finances separate.
and secondly - because of the age difference, be careful that you are not in a Mom role.
people's energy resonates with each other - which leads to attraction - which unfortunately lead to people picking similar partners from one relationship to another.
often when a person is an addict or alcoholic, the relationship in the marriage changes when one become sober. it on one's fault, the dynamics of everything changes.
and secondly - because of the age difference, be careful that you are not in a Mom role.
people's energy resonates with each other - which leads to attraction - which unfortunately lead to people picking similar partners from one relationship to another.
often when a person is an addict or alcoholic, the relationship in the marriage changes when one become sober. it on one's fault, the dynamics of everything changes.
Thank you so much for your reply. Unfortunately the money is already into the house and we cannot back out. It's a done deal. And for business he is already ingrained and we have picked up more clients to replace his old income. Our clients love him and he is really doing great. Definitely no worry of a mom role, he is a very strong independent individual and he does as much for me as I do for him (I have done a self-check on that). Also, our counselor just had us melt our accounts together so that we both feel confident.
In another note, I want to make this work and do not want to give up. Neither does he. I am hoping for some instances of this being a normal stumbling block and that this is intimacy issue is a normal thing?
wow - stay on the path, you are covering all basis, hopefully you both can weather thru this, I dont have any advice for the intimacy issue...
Hi, If your husband is taking medicine in order to help him stay off alcohol, maybe the medicine is causing his lack of interest in intimacy. I've heard of that happening before. But also some people completely change when they give up their addiction. He might have lost interest in a lot of just life itself. It's good you are so patient and giving him time. If he didn't want to be there he could leave and he hasn't so he must want this fixed as much as you do. I hope things get better for you both. Good Luck. Mary
Thank you Mary ;-). He is not on any meds, but I do believe he is going through a lot of realizations since becoming sober and is now dealing with 10 years of things. He says the same thing... if he didn't want to be here he would leave. I just need patience and faith.
Hang in there. This is a tough situation for you emotionally. You want to give him space and have trust, but it sounds like he is dealing with many issues, so that makes it hard for you to keep thinking positive.
I see a lot of good signs that he cares and wants to make this work. Was he always drinking when you were intimate? Maybe he is struggling with how to be intimate sober...just a though, of course, I have no clue.
I hope everything works out. Keep taking care of you and focusing on your life and ambitions. Wishing you positive direction.
I see a lot of good signs that he cares and wants to make this work. Was he always drinking when you were intimate? Maybe he is struggling with how to be intimate sober...just a though, of course, I have no clue.
I hope everything works out. Keep taking care of you and focusing on your life and ambitions. Wishing you positive direction.
