I found this site a couple of days ago and am very grateful to find some place that can relate to my story. I'm looking for some perspective as a step-parent with an active addicted 17 year old daughter.
Brief background story... blended family with 3 girls in total. My 2 are just a couple of years older than my step-daughter (SD). One is married and the other is still in the home half time. Husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6. Just as with every relationship, it's had it's ups and downs including me being a recovering alcoholic with 6 years of wonderful sobriety under my belt. (And for those doing the math, yep, I was sober when we finally tied the knot and officially joined the two families.) We also moved my father-in-law in 2 Christmases ago do to his inability to care for himself anymore (dementia).
It came to light last fall that SD was not only smoking week and experimenting with other drugs such as ecstasy and alcohol but was selling to support her habit. From that point, the rollercoaster took a sharp turn to the left and has been plummeting downhill ever since. Every time we think we might catch our breath on a upward climb, it yanks to the opposite direction and back down we go.
Here's where I need support and perspective. As a step parent it has been made very clear to me by my husband that SD is not my daughter and I have NO input on how to handle things. She has faced no consequences for her actions as she is using an ever evolving traumatic history as her excuse which in turn makes my husband feel bad for her and back down. With each evolution, she is making more severe accusations that, if are false, have the potential to ruin other people's lives. We don't want to dismiss what she is saying for fear it's true but my gut is screaming at me that this just another manipulation.
But I can't say anything. I speak up and I'm accused of be vengeful and vindictive because I want him to hold her to the same standards ha had me hold my 2 girls with. If I suggest she's lying, he'll believe her story over my evidence and truth of the situation. If I tell him she's stealing (multiple items from me. I've hidden my jewelry as a result), he says that I can't prove it and it's my other daughter's doing to set her up. I can't speak anything negative or it's world war III at my house. Yes, his is very much enabling her and there's nothing I can do about it unless I walk away from the relationship, which I'm not willing to do at this moment.
So I'm praying for her to turn 18 and walk out the door so the ride can at least slow down if even for one day. I'm at my wits end as I watch the drama and despair she spreads. I don't wish to control her. I just wish I had some control over my own life at the moment. Any words of encouragement would be wonderful.
Thank you for being here...
You are in a tough situation. It sounds like your SD has some serious issues that she has to deal with, and, as you said, a good dose of manipulative behavior along with the real issues. You are in serious no-win situation. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I agree the best thing would be if she moves out, but that may not happen if she has it pretty good at the house.
Really, the only thing you can you do is detach, which is not easy! I feel your pain. And, it has to be miserable to be told to stay out of it, etc. The stealing denial is very painful because, in an ideal world, your husband would protect your belongings. It is a shame he is immersed in guilt/enabling behavior.
Has he ever been to meetings? Open to go?
Really, the only thing you can you do is detach, which is not easy! I feel your pain. And, it has to be miserable to be told to stay out of it, etc. The stealing denial is very painful because, in an ideal world, your husband would protect your belongings. It is a shame he is immersed in guilt/enabling behavior.
Has he ever been to meetings? Open to go?
He's open but still struggling to accept what's going on so it's hard for him to make that first step. SD is in therapy and has been since her freshmen year. She has done out inpatient mental health stay after a breakdown which at the time she blamed on her mother, school stress, and mourning the loss of her grandmother's anniversary. (Story is much different now as to why, tho.) I know he carries alot of guilt over the circumstances as I know I do and think we all do to some degree. She may be step but I've been a big part of her life for many years and know I've influenced her in some way. I'm just praying that now I can influence her to accept the help we are offering. My fear is... I know better. She'll keep doing this until.... well until he wakes up enough to say stop. He did with me. He gave me an ultimatum. Get sober and go to meetings or he'll have to save himself. But I don't know if he will with her. And meanwhile I feel completely stuck between love and self preservation.
So WWIII broke out at the house on Monday. SD didn't follow through on what she was supposed to do. I discovered this Monday morning as I was getting ready for work. I told my then sleeping husband about it when I was kissing him goodbye. It of course woke him up and got him spinning mentally. He and SD had some words which I'm not privy to since I wasn't there. But then he turned it on me and wanted me to apologize for waking him up with the information. Now I'm the kind that says sorry for someone else cutting in front of me in line. I apologize all the time to keep the peace. When I don't, it means I'm standing up for my boundaries, one of which is to not be blamed for SD's actions. So I refused. It went down hill from there. I'll save the details and say it was nasty and hurtful (On both sides, I'm sure but it's hard to see someone else's pain when licking your own wounds.) We are working it out and this too will pass. My question tho is... should I have apologized for waking him during my normal morning goodbye kiss and told him or should I have waited a couple of hours like he was arguing. Perspective greatly welcomed as I know we have to start working together in regards to SD instead off how we have been handling it. Thank you in advance.
Rahne - Sorry to see you in this situation. My son has been going thru addiction and recovery for about 5 years. he is 28 yr. my husband and I are pretty tired of the roller coaster ride, and arguments and disruption to our lives. but - I am determined to give it one more year. my son moved back home 1 yr ago. promised things would be better. he has been working but still has problems w addiction - that undermines his financial ability and social abilities. he lives mostly at gf house who also has addiction/over medication problems. I was able to convince him to see Psyc dr, but now he is playing the medication game. (whether he takes it, sells it, buys other stuff, idk) he has not told this dr about addiction - only that he has high anxiety. initially I was glad he was seeing someone, but soon realized he needs recovery therapy.
MY turning point. I was in search of a recovery center therapist for my son and found a center treats family members - I started going for myself - it has helped that I have someone to talk to - whether to vent or figure out a direction for me. I chose the recovery center bc they have the background to understand what I am dealing with.
My goal is to get my son and husband into therapy at that center. both are resistant. my son is in need of our support (car to use for work), so I am hoping to use that as leverage to get him to commit to going to the recovery center. he did make the step last week to see my counselor with me. but he skipped his intake apmt this week.
That brings up the worst issue for me - being in the middle. it is really rough. I want my son to follow through, but don't want the back lash if he doesn't. my husband has taken the 'easy' way out and has stepped back and lets me handle it. He says - I would just tell him no and too bad if he doesn't like it..... well it is easier for my husband to do that because he has set it up that way. he has made himself unavailable. when my son stops by the house, husband goes to the bedroom. he has set it up so he is unapproachable. leave me to fend for myself alone. I have a very hard time saying no to my son.
YOUR situation - Start saving yourself. I understand this is creating a wedge between you and your husband. you have been thru this. you know what needs to be done. but - they are not ready for your input. 1. remove or lock up any valuables - ALL valuables - jewelry, paperwork, family heirlooms, etc. 2. see a therapist who has addiction/recovery background. 3. safe guard the household/and your own financial health. in other words, make sure too much $ is not going to step daughter. this can happen too quickly.
Day to Day living - start making things simple for you. You should not have told your husband the information when he was sleeping. if he does not want to know the information at all, keep a note book for yourself. write down the information so you get it out of your head and it is documented w date. otherwise, dates and events get too mixed up, cant keep track of it all.
find a place in your home you can retreat to. start setting your own small boundaries for yourself. each week or so put one boundary in place. small things that others wont even notice. start thinking in terms of 'is this my chore or responsibility?'
you can then tell your husband, I am going to therapy for me. You should go for you. or maybe he will start joining you.
as far as his daughter, do not talk to her or respond to text or calls. leave it at "I don't know, you will have to talk to your father"
Good Luck --- browse the SmartRecovery.org website - there is lot of background information regarding addiction and helpful information for families.
MY turning point. I was in search of a recovery center therapist for my son and found a center treats family members - I started going for myself - it has helped that I have someone to talk to - whether to vent or figure out a direction for me. I chose the recovery center bc they have the background to understand what I am dealing with.
My goal is to get my son and husband into therapy at that center. both are resistant. my son is in need of our support (car to use for work), so I am hoping to use that as leverage to get him to commit to going to the recovery center. he did make the step last week to see my counselor with me. but he skipped his intake apmt this week.
That brings up the worst issue for me - being in the middle. it is really rough. I want my son to follow through, but don't want the back lash if he doesn't. my husband has taken the 'easy' way out and has stepped back and lets me handle it. He says - I would just tell him no and too bad if he doesn't like it..... well it is easier for my husband to do that because he has set it up that way. he has made himself unavailable. when my son stops by the house, husband goes to the bedroom. he has set it up so he is unapproachable. leave me to fend for myself alone. I have a very hard time saying no to my son.
YOUR situation - Start saving yourself. I understand this is creating a wedge between you and your husband. you have been thru this. you know what needs to be done. but - they are not ready for your input. 1. remove or lock up any valuables - ALL valuables - jewelry, paperwork, family heirlooms, etc. 2. see a therapist who has addiction/recovery background. 3. safe guard the household/and your own financial health. in other words, make sure too much $ is not going to step daughter. this can happen too quickly.
Day to Day living - start making things simple for you. You should not have told your husband the information when he was sleeping. if he does not want to know the information at all, keep a note book for yourself. write down the information so you get it out of your head and it is documented w date. otherwise, dates and events get too mixed up, cant keep track of it all.
find a place in your home you can retreat to. start setting your own small boundaries for yourself. each week or so put one boundary in place. small things that others wont even notice. start thinking in terms of 'is this my chore or responsibility?'
you can then tell your husband, I am going to therapy for me. You should go for you. or maybe he will start joining you.
as far as his daughter, do not talk to her or respond to text or calls. leave it at "I don't know, you will have to talk to your father"
Good Luck --- browse the SmartRecovery.org website - there is lot of background information regarding addiction and helpful information for families.
Update: Everything is changing yet nothing has changed.
SD and her dad got in a huge blow out a couple of weeks ago. It got violent with her shoving then punching him in the jaw. He took her down and when she wouldn't respond to his question of are they done (fighting) now, he picked her up and carried her out of the house. She hasn't stayed the night with us since. She is with her mother.
As a result of the fight, my husband took the vehicle keys (yeah for him!). Her mother then assisted het inn using her inheritance from her grandmother to buy herself a vehicle. At least it's no longer under my name and insurance.
During this she became sick (drs confirmed) so contact with my husband was minimal (causing him to spin mentally as he wanted to patch up the relationship after the fight). Her went to visit her and upon leaving discovered an item that belonged to me and she denied multiple times having it, making me into the bad guy for accusing her. He really did believe I was making it up to get her in trouble. His eyes opened alot when finding the item and has been alot more understanding of my point of view now. Don't get me wrong, we still have a long way to go to fix what had been broken the past 12 months but feels good to know I'm not the enemy even if just for a day. )
Then the following weekend, after a long twisted story that turned out to be a lie which my husband picked up on all on his own, we find out that she will not graduate because she failed a class.
So now she has freedom with living with her mom, a vehicle to do what she wants to with, a fast food job cause they don't drug test, and no high schools diploma. And yet she is still able to manipulate her parents to believe that she's walking the straight and narrow.
I'm not looking for advise. Just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.
SD and her dad got in a huge blow out a couple of weeks ago. It got violent with her shoving then punching him in the jaw. He took her down and when she wouldn't respond to his question of are they done (fighting) now, he picked her up and carried her out of the house. She hasn't stayed the night with us since. She is with her mother.
As a result of the fight, my husband took the vehicle keys (yeah for him!). Her mother then assisted het inn using her inheritance from her grandmother to buy herself a vehicle. At least it's no longer under my name and insurance.
During this she became sick (drs confirmed) so contact with my husband was minimal (causing him to spin mentally as he wanted to patch up the relationship after the fight). Her went to visit her and upon leaving discovered an item that belonged to me and she denied multiple times having it, making me into the bad guy for accusing her. He really did believe I was making it up to get her in trouble. His eyes opened alot when finding the item and has been alot more understanding of my point of view now. Don't get me wrong, we still have a long way to go to fix what had been broken the past 12 months but feels good to know I'm not the enemy even if just for a day. )
Then the following weekend, after a long twisted story that turned out to be a lie which my husband picked up on all on his own, we find out that she will not graduate because she failed a class.
So now she has freedom with living with her mom, a vehicle to do what she wants to with, a fast food job cause they don't drug test, and no high schools diploma. And yet she is still able to manipulate her parents to believe that she's walking the straight and narrow.
I'm not looking for advise. Just needed to vent. Thank you for listening.
with your step daughter out of the house and your husband beginning to see things differently it is a good time for you both to go to NarAnon meetings or a therapist who has a background in addiction who can help you navigate as a united front. Also - Batten down the hatches, set your boundaries for both of you, decide on long term plans together and work towards it - your not getting any younger!
Thank you NytoFL. I agree with your words wholeheartedly and trying to do just that. I'm trying to keep him focused on short term activities to keep his mind busy while doing a lot of talking about long term dreams we've had for ages when we finally have an empty house. (FIL still lives with us with ever increasing health issues.)
I've brought up therapy several times and hes not anti going. He just isn't being proactive either if that makes any sense. And one positive is we are taking a 30 minute walk thru the neighborhood in the evenings. Its giving that chance to just "be" together.
I'm just on edge as its Fathers Day and I'm waiting for things to explode as he sulks about the state of their relationship and she manipulates that feeling this evening at dinner. Ugh. Sometimes waiting on the other shoe to drop is worse than not knowing there were any more shoes.
I've brought up therapy several times and hes not anti going. He just isn't being proactive either if that makes any sense. And one positive is we are taking a 30 minute walk thru the neighborhood in the evenings. Its giving that chance to just "be" together.
I'm just on edge as its Fathers Day and I'm waiting for things to explode as he sulks about the state of their relationship and she manipulates that feeling this evening at dinner. Ugh. Sometimes waiting on the other shoe to drop is worse than not knowing there were any more shoes.
Sounds like things are a bit better. It is HUGE relief to have your name off the car. I was so happy when this happened for me. They seem to not be able to comprehend the overwhelming legal problems and heartache that can come from driving intoxicated.
I am glad to hear you are getting some distance. It is SO hard to have a child with these struggles. A part of you always feels guilty, wants things to be right, wants to patch things up. It just is not possible, with addiction. I understand what your husband and you are going through. Wishing you peace.
I am glad to hear you are getting some distance. It is SO hard to have a child with these struggles. A part of you always feels guilty, wants things to be right, wants to patch things up. It just is not possible, with addiction. I understand what your husband and you are going through. Wishing you peace.
