I sit here not knowing what to do or where to turn. My son is 21 and has been using meth for over a year now. He is diagnosed with bipolar disorder but won't take meds. He is very violent and abusive. He steals from us, calls us horrible names, and throws and breaks things. Almost every door in our house has a hole from where he has punched it as do many of our walls. The truck we got him a few years ago has dents everywhere from his hitting and kicking. My husband and I will not allow him to live with us and pay half his rent so that he won't come to our home. My mother pays the other half. She also buys him groceries, gas for his truck, money for spending. Her and my father say they do this because they live 5 min from him and are afraid he will come to their home and kill them or burn their house down if they don't.
I love my son with all my heart, but I can't do this anymore. My husband and I want to cut him off financially, but I am worried that if I do that I will leave my mother with this burden. My mom has always done everything for my son, even when I would set boundaries for him she would break them. She never believed he was using meth, He disappears for periods of time, then comes back looking thin and crazed. Since my son wouldn't take meds, my mother got him his medical marijuana card so he could use the weed instead. She was giving him money to buy the week, but he has been using for meth. She has never believed he was using. She has always been the one person that believed him unconditionally. She has said that she wants to be safe person.
This last time he disappeared was for about a week. He kept calling her for money for gas, because he had a flat tire, because he needed food. She gave him around $300. He came back and this last Wednesday she went to his house because he sounded bad - suicidal. When she got there his entire home had been trashed - glass everywhere. She found out from his girlfriend that every time he leaves he is doing meth. All the money she gives him for food and weed and gas is for meth. She left and called me - devastated. We agreed that she would not give him anything anymore. We would pay the rent and that was it unless he went to rehab. The next day she called me and he had called her upset because there was glass in his carpet he couldn't get out and he had no food and needed weed. She told him she would go with him to buy weed so he will stay calm and not do meth. I told her that she shouldn't go clean up his place - it's his mess he can clean it. She wanted to clean it because the dog or his girlfriend will cut their feet. I told her that she shouldn't buy him food or weed or anything. She says that if she doesn't that he will get angry and go to her house and burn it down or kill her and my dad. Then today she texted me that she is taking him and his girlfriend to get food.
He will never get help if she keeps helping him and making excuses. She knows the truth and still is taking care of him. I am afraid that if I draw a line and say no more... I'm not even going to pay his rent it will just put her and my father in a bad place. But I can't do this anymore. I feel like that isn't my son anymore. I feel hopeless because I can't do anything. What does one do when another family member is an enabler. Do I have to draw a line with my parents as well? Tell them that unless they are willing to stop supporting him I can't see them either? I'm so afraid that my son is going to die. I'll never have him back and there is nothing I can do. Maybe I am the one that is doing the wrong thing. Please help me. Am I wasting my time? Am I being stupid?
Your son is controlling you and your parents by his tantrums. He has learned to get what he wants by being violent and destructive. I suggest getting the police involved. You can get a PPO (personal protection order) to keep him away from you and your parents. If he has contact with you or your family, you can have him arrested. You can also have him arrested for any damage he has done to your property.
No one wants to sic the police on their child, but he is way out of control. If he doesn't seek help with his addiction, then jail may be the only option. He cannot rule everyone with intimidation and violence. You have the right to live a peaceful life, and if he is threatening you and holding you "hostage" by paying his bills, he needs to get a wake-up call fast that this is not going to continue. You are not powerless to protect yourself. You can't do much to stop his addiction, but you certainly don't have to live in fear.
No one wants to sic the police on their child, but he is way out of control. If he doesn't seek help with his addiction, then jail may be the only option. He cannot rule everyone with intimidation and violence. You have the right to live a peaceful life, and if he is threatening you and holding you "hostage" by paying his bills, he needs to get a wake-up call fast that this is not going to continue. You are not powerless to protect yourself. You can't do much to stop his addiction, but you certainly don't have to live in fear.
Thank you for replying. I told my son and parents that I would no longer pay any money for rent, utilities, food, gas, etc. I told him that if he would go to rehab that I would drive him, but now the whole family is angry with me and shutting me out. They said I have made more of a burden on them since I won't help pay for him. I tried to find a Nar-anon in my area but there isn't one close. I've never felt so alone. Even my husband won't back me up. He says he would rathe give my son money then have him go off on him or come to our home. Sometimes I think the whole situation is hopeless...
Addiction is truly a "family disease". Everyone gets sucked into the dysfunction of the addict's behavior. Family members don't know how to draw a line in the sand and say "No more!" to someone who is holding them emotionally hostage through drug abuse.
Your son continues to rule the roost by threats and violence. Your family continues to fund his addictive lifestyle, either out of pity, fear, or simply to get him off their backs. You are doing the right thing by setting up a boundary of no support as long as he is actively using. If your other family members choose to continue, it is on them.
They cannot keep paying for him indefinitely. They will realize eventually that addiction is a bottomless pit that can suck a family dry financially and emotionally. An addict will only change when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. Sadly, some addicts never get to this point.
Your family sounds like they are using the same emotional blackmail tactics as your son, in trying to make you feel guilty that you will not share in the financial burden of supporting an addict. Make it clear that you will not, in good conscience, continue to support someone who is doing nothing with their life other than wasting it. Turn a deaf ear to their protests that they are having to pay more, now that you are stepping out of the madness. This is their choice.
No one should feel pressured from family members to do something that is inherently wrong. Stick to your guns and know that you are staying true to yourself and your principles. It is lonely to be doing the right thing, but unfortunately you cannot change your family members, just like you cannot change your son. The only person you truly have to answer to at the end of the day is yourself.
Your son continues to rule the roost by threats and violence. Your family continues to fund his addictive lifestyle, either out of pity, fear, or simply to get him off their backs. You are doing the right thing by setting up a boundary of no support as long as he is actively using. If your other family members choose to continue, it is on them.
They cannot keep paying for him indefinitely. They will realize eventually that addiction is a bottomless pit that can suck a family dry financially and emotionally. An addict will only change when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so. Sadly, some addicts never get to this point.
Your family sounds like they are using the same emotional blackmail tactics as your son, in trying to make you feel guilty that you will not share in the financial burden of supporting an addict. Make it clear that you will not, in good conscience, continue to support someone who is doing nothing with their life other than wasting it. Turn a deaf ear to their protests that they are having to pay more, now that you are stepping out of the madness. This is their choice.
No one should feel pressured from family members to do something that is inherently wrong. Stick to your guns and know that you are staying true to yourself and your principles. It is lonely to be doing the right thing, but unfortunately you cannot change your family members, just like you cannot change your son. The only person you truly have to answer to at the end of the day is yourself.
Has anything changed since you last wrote? I was wondering; your story touched me. The fear and desperation of such a position makes me feel like I'm in Meth Quicksand and the more I try to escape, the more the drama is cemented as a part of our lives. I have helped my son a lot. Rescued him, paid his doc & Rx bills when he's hurt himself, and tried to keep him under a roof. We thought it would be a "safe" place for him to sleep and practice recovery, but he kept getting kicked out for breaking the rules. So he's homeless anyway, we're out thousands of dollars and our family is broken into factions. I wrote a poem about him the other day, and it really helped. It was the first time since I successfully changed his diaper 30 years ago, that I felt I did something that had a beginning, a middle and an end, and didn't turn out too bad. How, and where did all that time go by? Just one day sleeping it off at a time, one crisis at a time, one month, one broken arm, one year, one stolen car at a time, and now he's 32, and still can't keep a job, refuses to consider that Meth is harmful, still believes all of this is our (parents) fault, has never paid rent, never had credit, never kept a bank account or insurance. Now, at this age, I am finally stopping to give him $10, a box of cereal or a pack of cigarettes (which I think keep him calmer). It's not so hard to stop giving little things. But his car was impounded the other day, and I'm not paying to get it out. Now I wonder: how can he get a job without a car? Well, he had the car for a year and never got a job, so I just have to convince myself to care less. It hurts. I might never see him at another holiday again. I might be without the company of my child for the rest of my life, and it just hurts. Horribly. That is we "change back" and pull out the stupid, useless $10 bill. Stay strong. We are right behind you. A long, supportive line of us!
