Hi everyone. My husband will be coming out of his fourth round in detox/rehab at then end of the month. This will be the longest at 28 days. He knows that I have filed for divorce...it's been being talked about this last year and he knew that I actually filed a couple weeks before going in. I know I can't let him bring me and our 11 & 12 year old girls down with him any longer. It is going to be so hard when it comes time to break it to them. I do also believe it's what's best for him, he needs to work on himself first, then becoming a good dad again, then his legal issues and debt and there is no room for trying to fix a marriage. I should have started this process much much earlier. I was always so worried that the reality would set him off. He was always starting a new job, or having an emotional day, or having a good day, or totaling a car, or going to court and on and on, and I just didn't want do nor had the energy to add to it. He's a really good liar and I am reallllly bad at being able to tell if he's using or just tired etc. Of course I was always hopeful he was at his bottom and it was finally his time.
I am so sad for him that I am the only person that will learn about and try to understand his disease but that my time with him is up. I have tried so hard to express to his parents that they need to get to meetings and learn how to deal with him. HIs mom still hasn't learned (after 3 years of knowing about his addiction) that all her lectures and bitching aren't worth anything. And his dad not being able to say a word to him is just so sad. It seems that they are so terrified that somebody might say that they did something wrong in his childhood or something and somebody might blame them that they will not budge. They can act like nothing is going on and talk about softball and golf etc all day though.
But I know he has his people from the program and sometimes that's all addicts have anyway.
In the meantime this is still his home and I am learning that I am going to have to have a good plan when he gets out. Any advice? I want to be his friend through this, I want him to live. I do go to 2 meetings a week, usually Coda and Celebrate Recovery plus church, yoga, meditation and on an on to keep the sanity.
I need help with boundaries too. It always sounds like divorce is the only solution. My husband used his only sober friend to extort $50 from me last night, and now he's nowhere to be found... Day before last he was discussing giving his money to me to keep him from using so he could save to give our daughter an excellent Christmas this year... Jekyll and Hyde :(
You and your kids are in such an awful position right now. My heart breaks for your family and all families that go through this.
I agree divorce may be the only option.
Divorce doesn't have to mean you don't love him but it will keep you from being legally stuck with any debts he incurs or lawsuits down the line. I know you want to be there for him but you're going to have to be really, really strong and stick to your boundaries. I hate to be blunt but I've learned the hard way. Don't believe anything that he say's or promises. In my son's case he'll very convincingly tell me what I want to hear, then I get all positive and hopeful again only to be let down and realize that he was bs'ing me the entire time. I've fallen for it a few times. It's just human nature that we want to believe the best in our loved ones but when drugs are involved you can't believe what they say.
If I were you I wouldn't let him back in the house after rehab for anything, not even a shower. I've read so many stories on here about how hard it is to get them to leave once they're back in.
If you want to let him see the kids, meet him somewhere. That way you always have the option of leaving if he's too wasted or being unreasonable.
During divorce proceedings ask for alimony and child support. If he's not working obviously you're not going to get any money but it will all add up and you may get it someday. That will also protect you if he ever inherits any money. You can legally stop him from inheriting until he's paid what he owe's you. Where I live, if a parent is behind on child support he can be arrested for non payment. If in the event that your husband falls deeper into his drug habit, you could possibly have him arrested and behind bars he'd go through a forced withdrawal if you think that would help.
and stay strong for yourself and your kids. They're your first priority. Dad's first priority is the drugs and there is nothing you can do or say that will stop him from using. It has to be his choice.
Wishing you luck and a happy future.. Laurie
I agree divorce may be the only option.
Divorce doesn't have to mean you don't love him but it will keep you from being legally stuck with any debts he incurs or lawsuits down the line. I know you want to be there for him but you're going to have to be really, really strong and stick to your boundaries. I hate to be blunt but I've learned the hard way. Don't believe anything that he say's or promises. In my son's case he'll very convincingly tell me what I want to hear, then I get all positive and hopeful again only to be let down and realize that he was bs'ing me the entire time. I've fallen for it a few times. It's just human nature that we want to believe the best in our loved ones but when drugs are involved you can't believe what they say.
If I were you I wouldn't let him back in the house after rehab for anything, not even a shower. I've read so many stories on here about how hard it is to get them to leave once they're back in.
If you want to let him see the kids, meet him somewhere. That way you always have the option of leaving if he's too wasted or being unreasonable.
During divorce proceedings ask for alimony and child support. If he's not working obviously you're not going to get any money but it will all add up and you may get it someday. That will also protect you if he ever inherits any money. You can legally stop him from inheriting until he's paid what he owe's you. Where I live, if a parent is behind on child support he can be arrested for non payment. If in the event that your husband falls deeper into his drug habit, you could possibly have him arrested and behind bars he'd go through a forced withdrawal if you think that would help.
and stay strong for yourself and your kids. They're your first priority. Dad's first priority is the drugs and there is nothing you can do or say that will stop him from using. It has to be his choice.
Wishing you luck and a happy future.. Laurie
Treatment -> Halfway House -> 3/4 way house -> then plan.
It will buy you some time and no decisions will have to be made right now. If he comes straight out of treatment and into the home while you are still trying to figure out your boundaries, he'll walk all over them, try and reset them for you, etc...
A halfway house never hurt anyone. It's continued consequences of his behavior and he needs to earn your trust.
It will buy you some time and no decisions will have to be made right now. If he comes straight out of treatment and into the home while you are still trying to figure out your boundaries, he'll walk all over them, try and reset them for you, etc...
A halfway house never hurt anyone. It's continued consequences of his behavior and he needs to earn your trust.
I just found out my husband has been secretly using methamphetamine. I feel so betrayed. I actually left with our daughter. It was so hard. Just typing about the difficulty doesn't do it justice.. But he had started to act so very very different. Disturbing and total lack of empathy. He warned me. He'd been sober off meth for a few years, but he said if I ever start to use it again.. Take our daughter and don't tell me where you are going... My heart aches for my husbands true soul back. :(
