Hey everyone, I am new to this and have been reading your postings - thank you. My boyfriend was a recovered heroin addict for a year and he relapsed last week. He started with crack and immediately shot up heroin, went on a long bender (missing), and is now FINALLY in his 3rd day of detox. He has a couple catapres patches.
If anyone knows how I may cope with this, handle HIM (non-co-dependency, still love him, support his re-recovery, but not abandom him completely), please give me any advice and/or what I might be able to expect soon. I know with addicts, this happens time and again (my boyfriend has been an off and on addict for 5 years).
Should I leave him, right now, completely, or
if I can take a little, should I give a little?
And then, what?
Any moms out there?
Please write back with ANY advice you can offer me; I am falling apart.
His burden is not yours to bare! If there is still hope then dont leave...just step aside and let him find his own way. Help.....with limits. Offer support....without smuthering. Think of yourself in this first and formost because you do matter! Set up boundaries for yourself as well as him. Love him....but at a distance for the moment because he needs to focus on his recovery. Instead of trying to "handle" him....handle YOU right now! All the best to you!
Darin
Darin
Welcome to the board...when I read your post, a post written by an addict on this site came to mind and I want to share it with you.
LET ME FALL
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Passion
(Recovering Addict)
LET ME FALL
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safty net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Passion
(Recovering Addict)
Thank you so so so very much for sending me that posting from another addict. It really hits home.
If the addict is however asking outright for help, do I?
I am not trying to cushion him and I am definately setting boundaries.
But, I don't know how far I should go, and how many times I should not pick up his calls.Do you have any experience with that? An addict that has gone thru detox, and sincerely just wants to hang out? I don't know.
Am I giving him too much just by giving him my prescence and voice?
If the addict is however asking outright for help, do I?
I am not trying to cushion him and I am definately setting boundaries.
But, I don't know how far I should go, and how many times I should not pick up his calls.Do you have any experience with that? An addict that has gone thru detox, and sincerely just wants to hang out? I don't know.
Am I giving him too much just by giving him my prescence and voice?
This is always a hard call and it is always question upon question.
No one can tell you to stay or leave, but I tell everyone to run if there is any abuse present. It is a tough road to walk and watch. You have to be able to move foreward in life, enjoy each day and not have thim effect who you are. It is not easy to live like that, to not feel the pain when it is someone you care about, but then they got themselves into this hell, the pain is the only way out.
Actions always speak louder than words, and when he is ready he will get it done. It might be today, might not be for years to come. Is he worth the time, the patience , the wait for.....
The answer is in you, boundaries are so important, no giving him money and never tolerating bad behavior. You can't stop life, make any excuses for him not being somewhere, gotta tell it like it is. Silence is a bad thing with this disease, so is cleaning up any mess. He screws up, he needs to fix it......
In the end you will be the only one who decides what is best for you, no guilt, ever......You must live your life the way you want to. And sadly in life he will live as he wants to in this moment, and if that is using, there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it...
Take care of you, always. And know he is more than capable of taking care of himself....
Love,
Tina
No one can tell you to stay or leave, but I tell everyone to run if there is any abuse present. It is a tough road to walk and watch. You have to be able to move foreward in life, enjoy each day and not have thim effect who you are. It is not easy to live like that, to not feel the pain when it is someone you care about, but then they got themselves into this hell, the pain is the only way out.
Actions always speak louder than words, and when he is ready he will get it done. It might be today, might not be for years to come. Is he worth the time, the patience , the wait for.....
The answer is in you, boundaries are so important, no giving him money and never tolerating bad behavior. You can't stop life, make any excuses for him not being somewhere, gotta tell it like it is. Silence is a bad thing with this disease, so is cleaning up any mess. He screws up, he needs to fix it......
In the end you will be the only one who decides what is best for you, no guilt, ever......You must live your life the way you want to. And sadly in life he will live as he wants to in this moment, and if that is using, there isn't a damn thing anyone can do about it...
Take care of you, always. And know he is more than capable of taking care of himself....
Love,
Tina
I can't really give you any advice on that side of the fence, I am the addict in my home, well, my 19 y/o has a pot problem, and I've had to detach myself from his situation with the law, and he's mostly out of the house now, so it's easier for me.
Janet what happened with you son, he leave.....
I thought things might have been good as you haven't really posted much.
Remember to take good care of you,
Love,
Tina
I thought things might have been good as you haven't really posted much.
Remember to take good care of you,
Love,
Tina
its your call to stay or go ,if he is serious about getting clean again i would be inclined to give him a chance.chances are after all that clean time he is beating himself up for relapsing more than anyone else ever could.i know i would!sometimes we forget who we are,addicts and we relapse.i hope i never forget i try to keep it in my mind allways,hope he doesnt forget again! my prayers are with you both.
You could just put the relationship on the back burner for a while to give him a chance to concentrate on recovery, and you a chance to concentrate on you. It sounds healthy. It's really your call. If you do care for each other, a month or two will not matter.
..I think all addicts are serious about getting clean when they decide to..but can he stay clean is the question you need to ask yourself..do you trust him to stay clean.?..your not gonna know this time around cos its a day to day situation when we decide to get clean..i don,t think you should take the advice of people weather you stay or go..that is your call..as others have said..you need to step back and let him concentrate on himself..you also need to focus more of your time on you rather than him..of course support him..help him.etc..but only to a minimum..it can be stressful bowing to an addicts needs and can lead to decisions that you may not wanna make..good luck to you both..Robbie..
