Hello everyone. I have been reading these posts for some time now. This is a wonderfully supportive community. I have finally got the courage to post. My daughter is a IV heroine user. She is currently incarcerated for the 2nd time for violating her terms of probation. She blames her dad and I that she is there. Let me give a little back story. She is an amazing beautiful, bright and artistic young woman. She graduated national honor society art. Once high school was over she fell apart. It started off with drinking. Her and her boyfriend were drinking and that lead to other things including MDNA. We thought we got out ahead of it and sent her to rehab. We were so happy she got a great job and enrolled in cosmetology school. She had a great group of supportive friends. She then moved out and that is where the issues started. She started missing things like family gatherings and mothers day. She made an apperece for Fathers Day but we knew something was wrong. She would text here and there but we gave her space.
Then the text came. Mommy I need to go back to rehab. I was driving home from work on a Friday when she finally called me and told me that she had been using heroine and she was injecting it. I told her that she must come home today if she wanted our help. I was NOT prepared for what came home that night. She looked like death. Her arms full of track marks, huge abscess on her arm and hand. She couldn Keep her eyes open or put together 2 words. We decided that we would again gather everything we could and get her the help. We got her into rehab again and all was getting better....then 2 days before she was ready to leave rehab she dropped the bomb... I got arrested and in 3 days time I have court. I told the officers that my boyfriends drugs were mine as it would have been his 3 felony and where we live that is life. So needless to say she got 2 years of probation. We are a year into it and she has already spent her 21st birthday in jail for violating probation and she will more then likely spend her 22nd birthday there. This has torn my family apart. My husband is an addict that has been clean for 22 years. He can see what she is up to well before my son and I can. It leads to horrible shooting matches. I am just at a loss. I have come to a very hard conclusion that I cant help her until she helps herself. This has my mother and sister very mad and they think I have given up on her. They say this is all my fault but when I ask them if they will let her live with them is is a very quick NO. I just feel so very alone. I am sorry this has gotten so long but it felt good to write some of this out.
Hi,
Offering support! Since you have been reading the boards, you know we all can relate.
I went though my family blaming me or, at least, insinuating that I was at fault or making things worse than they were. It hurt really bad on top of the chaos and pain of having a teen out of control. So, please try to push that guilt away. It is NOT your fault. I have other children who are doing well and fine. You did not cause this.
I am really sad for you and your daughter. I have seen it many times. Please keep posting and reaching out! This will be a long run, not a sprint.
I share your heartbreak for what drugs has done to your girl.
Offering support! Since you have been reading the boards, you know we all can relate.
I went though my family blaming me or, at least, insinuating that I was at fault or making things worse than they were. It hurt really bad on top of the chaos and pain of having a teen out of control. So, please try to push that guilt away. It is NOT your fault. I have other children who are doing well and fine. You did not cause this.
I am really sad for you and your daughter. I have seen it many times. Please keep posting and reaching out! This will be a long run, not a sprint.
I share your heartbreak for what drugs has done to your girl.
ALEXANDRAS MOM - Sorry youre going through this hell as well. I understand what its like to be seen as not doing enough by well-intentioned but misguided family members. My husband and I were talking about this the other day. On the outside it appears as though were not doing anything, but its a calculated decision. We tried everything and IT DIDNT WORK. Hes going to need to want it for it to work, and right now he doesnt want it badly enough.
Ugh ,the phone call. Mommy help me? I've gotten it myself. Makes me want to vomit and I have.
And I love that the family members blame us when we tell our addicts you can't come to our homes.
I hope you daughter can stay in jail for several months so she can really sober up and begin to heal.
My daughter is 31. We have been doing this game since her teens.
She is just know realizing how messed up she is. Hoping she goes to rehab again soon
And I love that the family members blame us when we tell our addicts you can't come to our homes.
I hope you daughter can stay in jail for several months so she can really sober up and begin to heal.
My daughter is 31. We have been doing this game since her teens.
She is just know realizing how messed up she is. Hoping she goes to rehab again soon
Mom - It sounds like you are in the middle. Your husband and you shouting about what? He see's what your daughter is doing and you don't, or before you do.... so you don't realize when she has relapsed or are you enabling?
my husband is the 'yeller' - sometimes too much especially early on when our son was in recovery.
we should not spend our money/savings on problems they create themselves. I know we do sometimes, but more than once.. Not!
try going to NarAnon to be able to talk a few things out in person with others who are going thru it. If your husband is making sense, listen to him. sounds like he has first hand experience. you can bring your mom and sister to NarAnon - they will hear it from others. you can find youtube videos to show them
If your daughter is out of the house, do not let her back in. let the facility she is at find another living arrangement for her. I know it is hard. your daughter is young. I thought we could help our son. he did appreciate being able to come home after rehab over the summer, but once he relapsed we did not want him living at home. it gets too crazy, consumes our time, and makes us do things we don't want to do. after trying for so many years I agree with the other 'long term parents' -- but I had to find out for myself. addicted adult kids living at home does not work. head it off before you are stuck. and you don't have control over it. ever.
the only other thing I can say is that my son said he learned more about drugs when he went to rehabs than he knew before that. that they made him worse. he said they were bad. bad locations, many people relapsing and dying. my thoughts is that if he stayed sober, it does not matter what he learned about drugs.
ps - he said the rehab he went to at the local hospital last summer was a good program. better than the rest. at this time he does not want to go back to it.
my husband is the 'yeller' - sometimes too much especially early on when our son was in recovery.
we should not spend our money/savings on problems they create themselves. I know we do sometimes, but more than once.. Not!
try going to NarAnon to be able to talk a few things out in person with others who are going thru it. If your husband is making sense, listen to him. sounds like he has first hand experience. you can bring your mom and sister to NarAnon - they will hear it from others. you can find youtube videos to show them
If your daughter is out of the house, do not let her back in. let the facility she is at find another living arrangement for her. I know it is hard. your daughter is young. I thought we could help our son. he did appreciate being able to come home after rehab over the summer, but once he relapsed we did not want him living at home. it gets too crazy, consumes our time, and makes us do things we don't want to do. after trying for so many years I agree with the other 'long term parents' -- but I had to find out for myself. addicted adult kids living at home does not work. head it off before you are stuck. and you don't have control over it. ever.
the only other thing I can say is that my son said he learned more about drugs when he went to rehabs than he knew before that. that they made him worse. he said they were bad. bad locations, many people relapsing and dying. my thoughts is that if he stayed sober, it does not matter what he learned about drugs.
ps - he said the rehab he went to at the local hospital last summer was a good program. better than the rest. at this time he does not want to go back to it.
Thank you all for your kind words. We have not let her live here since her first jail release. She brings too much drama. My husband sees the little shady (for lack of better word) before my son and I do. He and I are not blind to what she is up to it just may take an extra minute for it to click.He just wants my son and I to be safe and not get sucked into the web that she spins. I know right now that there is nothing more I can do to help her until she is ready to make the changes. I can talk to her on the phone and tell her that I love her and will be here 100% when she is really ready to commit to changing.
Alexandra's Mom,
You are doing the right thing. It's so gut-wrenching
Our family is praying that my daughter 26
(with two kids under three) gets sent to jail.
Yesterday, I went to Children's Services (swamped with this crisis) and they will not take kids away with just a positive drug test. They want to set up a plan where the addict has days where they can "use" and we have the kids on those days. So Tuesdays and Thursdays are her "drug use " days . Something to this affect is their first step.
But for now they say she's not in crisis enough for that first stage.
So we are letting more sh*t hit the fan and hope we can convince her to give up the kids to us while she "figures out her stuff."
Stay Strong,
jeff
You are doing the right thing. It's so gut-wrenching
Our family is praying that my daughter 26
(with two kids under three) gets sent to jail.
Yesterday, I went to Children's Services (swamped with this crisis) and they will not take kids away with just a positive drug test. They want to set up a plan where the addict has days where they can "use" and we have the kids on those days. So Tuesdays and Thursdays are her "drug use " days . Something to this affect is their first step.
But for now they say she's not in crisis enough for that first stage.
So we are letting more sh*t hit the fan and hope we can convince her to give up the kids to us while she "figures out her stuff."
Stay Strong,
jeff
Dear Jeff,
Thank you for your kind words. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It is so hard when children are involved. It is heartbreaking to hear that their situation is bad enough that they will step in.
Thank you for your kind words. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It is so hard when children are involved. It is heartbreaking to hear that their situation is bad enough that they will step in.
Alexandra's Mom - I feel your pain. The thing I've been able to accept (thanks to THIS page) is I didn't cause this, I can't control this & I can't correct this. I am a classic enabler too but I justified that I was helping. My son like everyone else's child, is a beautiful, smart, likable, funny young man but he's is also a manipulative, lying, conniving meth addict/alcoholic with mental health issues too. He got clean about 4 years ago when he ALMOST lost is EXCELLENT job & stayed clean for about 2 years & the family readily accepted & LOVED him & enjoyed his new involvement in the family (20 years of never showing up for anything). Then he relapsed in 2017...
It started slowly & he was still able to make us believe it wasn't a full relapse. Last spring, EVERYTHING crashed & burned.... by last July he was no longer speaking to any family members & then he changed his phone number....
But then in Dec. the hysterical phone calls began, suicidal thoughts & threats, claims of homelessness but he still refused to accept help. That was when (again with the help of the parents here) I learned & accepted that HE is the only person who knows what kind of treatment he wants/needs. So our new mantra is (when he calls freaking out over anything) is: Are you saying you want treatment/rehab/911? I have a crisis number you can call. We are careful not to say Do you want HELP because all he wants is money or for us to pay for something.... So again he is not calling/texting or contacting family. But I'd rather him stay away instead of swooping in, sh**ing on everything & then disappearing.... We can think rationally, he can't.
Good luck & best of wishes - your precious daughter needs to make her decisions. Making them for her & trying to "help" doesn't help anyone or anything
It started slowly & he was still able to make us believe it wasn't a full relapse. Last spring, EVERYTHING crashed & burned.... by last July he was no longer speaking to any family members & then he changed his phone number....
But then in Dec. the hysterical phone calls began, suicidal thoughts & threats, claims of homelessness but he still refused to accept help. That was when (again with the help of the parents here) I learned & accepted that HE is the only person who knows what kind of treatment he wants/needs. So our new mantra is (when he calls freaking out over anything) is: Are you saying you want treatment/rehab/911? I have a crisis number you can call. We are careful not to say Do you want HELP because all he wants is money or for us to pay for something.... So again he is not calling/texting or contacting family. But I'd rather him stay away instead of swooping in, sh**ing on everything & then disappearing.... We can think rationally, he can't.
Good luck & best of wishes - your precious daughter needs to make her decisions. Making them for her & trying to "help" doesn't help anyone or anything
Hi AM. My daughter is too a heroin IV drug user. She is in her mid twenties and is bright and beautiful too. She is so lost right now and I cringe every time I talk to her. Went to detox a few weeks ago and checked herself out in less than 24 hrs. From the way she has been talking lately, I think she maybe adding another drug to the mix but IDK and really don't want to know. As a parent, it's a very helpless feeling and sadly what seems obvious to me is not obvious to her and the drama and chaos continues. She make terrible choices and asks me what to do and then never takes my advice. I pray for her and love her. I'm sorry your lovely daughter has this horrible addiction too.
SALLYANA - Im so sorry to hear your daughter left detox after 24 hrs. My heart hurts for you. Im feeling particularly raw right now... theres something about this illness that makes me feel as though my heart has literally been ripped from my chest.
Thank you Yellowbirds...Your kind words mean a lot to me. I'm sorry you are struggling. Addiction is so heartbreaking on so many levels. Its like a really bad dream you never wake up from.
