And so it begins, again. My wife and I have 2 children, son and daughter. Our 23yr old has an addiction problem, daughter is clean. Addiction runs in my family, brothers, cousin, parents. We believe our son started using over the counter drugs in middle school. We tried to enforce our rules, and his complete disregard for authority was an on and off battle into high school. Hes a charming guy (to others), tall, handsome, and a great sense of humor. We love him dearly. After high school, Jr. College (only could last a month), then the roller coaster ride we hate so much.
At age 23, he decided it was time to go into recovery. He was coming down from using Heroin & Meth, had been injecting it for God knows how long, with his girlfriend who was living with us also. We never really understood how much we were enabling, until after they were gone. Thank God for this lesson.
The 1st rehab didnt work out (about 20 days including detox), constant calling by him, angry & blaming us for all the problems in his life. We switched him to another location (at his request), a little rocky at first, then it seemed productive. About 30 days later, it happened, he used. Left rehab, wanted us to pick him up on the street somewhere and wanted to stay with us. We got some great advice from the center were willing to take you back to rehab, nothing more. Usually followed by a hang-up & very hateful degrading language about my parenting skills, religion, and other things. I brushed it off as the drugs talking.
After about 2 weeks, he was done with this binge and asked to go back. We gladly took him (and again paid for his stay). Things went better, he made some alliances in the program, and time passed. My wife and I once again could rest without that slugged in the stomach feeling.
Now today, 1st mistake I made was agreeing to help him out with the purchase of a car. It was cheap, and he had gotten a job (apparently okd with the center he was in). We thought he was getting better and started showing signs of growth. We were wrong. Within a week or so, he left the program with someone, and as far as we know hasnt returned. We know hes alive because he has a phone that we pay for, and has called asking for information. All conversations are short, governed by him, and followed by a quick hang-up.
Now, like many of you, were punched in the stomach again, sleeping with our ear towards the door waiting for the abusive threats.
This is my first time ever blogging, and Ive got to say that it feels good to say these things. Thank you all for sharing, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi, I saw no one answered your post yet so I thought I would write you. It's a nightmare what's happening to you. I know! I feel for you and your family going through this hell. Best advice I could give you is stop paying his phone, leave him to get on with the car and the expense of keeping it on the road. Lock up all valuables. When he starts with insults and cursing hang up on him. Tell him to stay away from your house. I would keep him away from your daughter too, just incase because misery loves company. If you have to see him meet at McDonalds or somewhere. His life has been made too comfortable for him, just like my daughters was. It's time to let him sink or swim. Good luck to you because it's very hard to stop helping them. My daughter was 17 and on heroin. I was shocked! A straight "A" student and a good future ahead of her. Now we're 17 yrs into her addiction and she's 34yrs old. So learn from my mistakes! The longer you help them the easier it makes it for them to keep doing drugs. I never thought it would have lasted this long. I always thought she would have stopped. My daughter was beautiful but her looks have changed. Seemingly their facial structure changes after doing drugs. I saw someone had posted this website on here and I checked it out. It's scary! Look it up and show the pictures to your son or tell him to look at the website. It may scare him straight if he cares about his looks. My daughter cringed at them because they are so scary looking the drastic facial changes.www.drugsandmugs.com. Don't blame yourselves for your sons addiction whether it was in your family or not. He made the choice to do this. But one thing for sure is you can't control this and you can't cure it. It's all up to him! Take care and I hope things get better for you. This website will give you strength and you'll learn a lot as I did. Keep reading posts on here it really does help. Good luck! Mary.
Hi all -
This is my first time on here, been reading and trying to take in the info that I MUST stop enabling. I know it doesn't help, and reading others stories and advise does resonant with me that I have to make changes in how I react to addiction.
My son is 36 now, and I have had to walk away many times, let him be homeless, let him stay in jail, and let him be missing for months at a time. He also has a mental illness, and is receiving SSI/SSDI (since he turned 18)
yet over and over, I help him pick up the pieces and try to start fresh. I've always felt that because of his mental illness, he needs that extra boost that only I can provide (mothers love and support)
I type this as he is living in my back yard, after a somewhat successful two year stay in a residental mental health program. He started to use again 4 months ago, and everything slid right back to zero again, evicted, owes money for rent, not seeing his psychiatrist, npt taking his meds, etc. He agreed to let me hold his SSI debit card so he could stay here, and I would help him find another program to accept him into....and now 4 days later I discover he stole the card back, and has used $750 in drugs the past 4 days. I took him to our local health dept yesterday afternoon, need to bring him back at 7am to start the process of finding an inpatient rehab.
Gearing myself up to not bring him back here after that meeting, which tears my heart out. It's unlikely they will have a solution today on where he could go, and I know I can't continue to let him stay here (he's banned from the house, is in our back yard) I can't live like this.
Does anyone worry about what their kid may do when they are rejected in crisis? It was easier to walk away when he lived a good distance away, but this is the first time in 20 years he's been in our town and I feel scared and threatened. He always blames me for his issues and I have endured alot of rage from him. I fear for myself and my home that throwing him out right now is potentially making me a target. I also know keeping him here is likely to lead to him starting to get desperate and steal (like my husbands tools/etc outside) or break in. I can't sleep, and am tormented once again on how to help or not help someone with a dual diagnosis, who has huge issues with me.
I will keep reading here, am finding encouragement and strength from others posts. I have been active in NAMI in the past, and grew up going to Alateen, and have my folks support and help (my dad was a drunk, my mom was very active in alanon)
But this is SO hard to do.
Thanks -
Deb
This is my first time on here, been reading and trying to take in the info that I MUST stop enabling. I know it doesn't help, and reading others stories and advise does resonant with me that I have to make changes in how I react to addiction.
My son is 36 now, and I have had to walk away many times, let him be homeless, let him stay in jail, and let him be missing for months at a time. He also has a mental illness, and is receiving SSI/SSDI (since he turned 18)
yet over and over, I help him pick up the pieces and try to start fresh. I've always felt that because of his mental illness, he needs that extra boost that only I can provide (mothers love and support)
I type this as he is living in my back yard, after a somewhat successful two year stay in a residental mental health program. He started to use again 4 months ago, and everything slid right back to zero again, evicted, owes money for rent, not seeing his psychiatrist, npt taking his meds, etc. He agreed to let me hold his SSI debit card so he could stay here, and I would help him find another program to accept him into....and now 4 days later I discover he stole the card back, and has used $750 in drugs the past 4 days. I took him to our local health dept yesterday afternoon, need to bring him back at 7am to start the process of finding an inpatient rehab.
Gearing myself up to not bring him back here after that meeting, which tears my heart out. It's unlikely they will have a solution today on where he could go, and I know I can't continue to let him stay here (he's banned from the house, is in our back yard) I can't live like this.
Does anyone worry about what their kid may do when they are rejected in crisis? It was easier to walk away when he lived a good distance away, but this is the first time in 20 years he's been in our town and I feel scared and threatened. He always blames me for his issues and I have endured alot of rage from him. I fear for myself and my home that throwing him out right now is potentially making me a target. I also know keeping him here is likely to lead to him starting to get desperate and steal (like my husbands tools/etc outside) or break in. I can't sleep, and am tormented once again on how to help or not help someone with a dual diagnosis, who has huge issues with me.
I will keep reading here, am finding encouragement and strength from others posts. I have been active in NAMI in the past, and grew up going to Alateen, and have my folks support and help (my dad was a drunk, my mom was very active in alanon)
But this is SO hard to do.
Thanks -
Deb
Deb:
I think Al-Anon could help you as well.
All the best.
Bob R
I think Al-Anon could help you as well.
All the best.
Bob R
Hi Deb, I agree with PapaBear. You have so much worry. It would do you good to vent at one of the Alnon meetings. There you will find other people to talk to etc. Meanwhile read on here or write on here because it does help. We are all here to help you and each other. I truly wish you well Deb it's a hard life being the mother of a drug addict let alone one that has mental problems too. Do you think the drugs caused his mental disability? Your a strong woman Deb, remember God doesn't give you anymore than he knows you can handle. It might seem at times it's just too much but you'll get there. Look how far we all have come already. Stay strong and God bless. Mary.
PapaBear? Would you please post "Footprints" again if you get time. It's so nice to read it. Thank you, Mary :-)
Foot Prints
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
- by Mary Stevenson
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
- by Mary Stevenson
Thanks PapaBear, Sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm not alone in this. When i get my off days I will read this. Thank you! Mary.
Thanks for your guidance and support Papa Bear and Mary, much appreciated.
I will be going to a meeting this afternoon, I've always been the one offering support and it will be nice to be on the receiving end!
Drugs did not bring on mental illness, he has struggled since he was 7 with various issues. SO many times he's been turned away from mental health access because it was believed that the drug abuse was the reason he was not thinking clear. This is the aspect that is hardest for me, having to turn out someone for drug use who also is lacking in being able to process his needs due to mental illness/non compliance of those meds. It's a dangerous combo - for him, for me, for the public in general.
When going to any 12 step meeting - both him and I have an automatic trigger. He has an extreme distaste for anything religious and has a hard time thinking more spiritual than religious. It is believed that he was likely molested as a child by, you guessed it, a catholic priest. We went through extensive therapy when this came to light, happened when he was around 5-6. Another hurdle we both struggle with in accepting a higher power!
I have used meditation and other forms of group support (mostly NAMI) in getting myself to a good place in understanding and accepting what is on my plate.
I have done much reading online since yesterday morning, SO much info available at the fingertips these days!
Hoping and focusing on hearing possible good news today that he may have gotten into a mental health bed, or a rehab.
Taking in the sunshine this morning, getting energy and peace in place to take on the day.
Thanks again, and hope all have a great day.
Deb
I will be going to a meeting this afternoon, I've always been the one offering support and it will be nice to be on the receiving end!
Drugs did not bring on mental illness, he has struggled since he was 7 with various issues. SO many times he's been turned away from mental health access because it was believed that the drug abuse was the reason he was not thinking clear. This is the aspect that is hardest for me, having to turn out someone for drug use who also is lacking in being able to process his needs due to mental illness/non compliance of those meds. It's a dangerous combo - for him, for me, for the public in general.
When going to any 12 step meeting - both him and I have an automatic trigger. He has an extreme distaste for anything religious and has a hard time thinking more spiritual than religious. It is believed that he was likely molested as a child by, you guessed it, a catholic priest. We went through extensive therapy when this came to light, happened when he was around 5-6. Another hurdle we both struggle with in accepting a higher power!
I have used meditation and other forms of group support (mostly NAMI) in getting myself to a good place in understanding and accepting what is on my plate.
I have done much reading online since yesterday morning, SO much info available at the fingertips these days!
Hoping and focusing on hearing possible good news today that he may have gotten into a mental health bed, or a rehab.
Taking in the sunshine this morning, getting energy and peace in place to take on the day.
Thanks again, and hope all have a great day.
Deb
http://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/re...ght-for-the-day
I thought of today's Hazelden meditation when I read your post.
The substance is so little of our problem(s)
All the best.
Bob R
I thought of today's Hazelden meditation when I read your post.
The substance is so little of our problem(s)
All the best.
Bob R
