Dear Diff,
You sound very strong and responsible. I'm sorry about how he treats you. You deserve MUCH BETTER!!! Hope you're able to find a home for you and your precious baby real soon so you're out of there before he returns.
Love,
Susan
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel totally headucked. I'd forgotten (how could I forget? How could I ever forget how bad this feels...) I feel like I did back last June/July when I was on my own for the first time. Worse. Worse than that coz this time I've got so much more to do my head in. Like where is he? I don't even know where he is. Why hasn't he rung me? Why didn't he answer my text last night at 1.40 am when I told him I was so lonely, and just wanted to hear his voice? I HATE, I ABSOLUTELY HATE being left alone with my own company, with nothing to distract me from the loop of self-destructive thoughts that I thought I'd conquered. At least last year I just felt guilt and loneliness, not abandoned. I know this goes against everything I have said about the situation so far, but I didn't think I'd feel so bad. Makes me realise that mental illness just doesn't go away. I'd just channeled it into something else. Him. And without him all I've got is me with nothing to protect me from myself.
I have to try and find a way through this, coz my mind just seems to have frozen. Suddenly I've forgotten all about "healthy" ways to deal with pain. I have this need which is eating me up and all I can think is how to fulfill that need or kill it coz I can't live with it. Ha! I'm even listening the my old Wedding Present records (for those of you who were never into the punk scene in the 80's all their tunes are about emotional torture). I feel like I need instant ways to stop feeling this pain. All sorts have been going through my head. If I wasn't pregnant I think I probably would have scored by now. Even self harm seems like a good option right now.
OK, I have to get my head round this. How do I cope? What do I tell myself? What works? Right - pain doesn't last forever. Pain leads you to solutions if you allow it to happen. Pain won't kill me. Stop the negative loop. Don't allow my mind to even go there. Tell myself I am strong enough. Tell myself I've come too far to f*** up now. Tell myself that the only way out is through. Don't assume the worst. Somehow I'll find the positive. Where's the positive? I just can't see it and I'm too panicked to look. My head aches and I don't know what to do to make this stop. Calm down girl, go over what you have said, and what you believe in. OK. Confront your fears. Let them wash over you. Don't hide from them coz they seek you out. How many times have I said that? Need to listen to my own advice. Stop finding ways to torture myself. And for f*** sake, stop looking out the window every time you hear a noise. It isn't him. He hasn't come home.
God almighty I'm pathetic. Come on now girl. I am bigger than this. Remember that I know the depth of my courage, and I know I can do this. What do I do? I go through the motions. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have faith that I can get through this. That's what I need to hang onto. Comfort myself with what I know to be true. Do what I know works. What is it I say? When you can't see the light, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and somewhere in the dark a steadying hand will find you and lead you back towards the light. have faith in that. It worked before and it will work now.
Right, that's about as far as I can go right now. One little step at a time. Just do the best that I can, and be the best that I can, and things will get better. That's what I had to tell myself when I was going through those dark lonely days when I decided to conquer my addiction. I did it then and I can use the same tools now. Remember that I have moved on.
bye,
love
diff xxx
I have to try and find a way through this, coz my mind just seems to have frozen. Suddenly I've forgotten all about "healthy" ways to deal with pain. I have this need which is eating me up and all I can think is how to fulfill that need or kill it coz I can't live with it. Ha! I'm even listening the my old Wedding Present records (for those of you who were never into the punk scene in the 80's all their tunes are about emotional torture). I feel like I need instant ways to stop feeling this pain. All sorts have been going through my head. If I wasn't pregnant I think I probably would have scored by now. Even self harm seems like a good option right now.
OK, I have to get my head round this. How do I cope? What do I tell myself? What works? Right - pain doesn't last forever. Pain leads you to solutions if you allow it to happen. Pain won't kill me. Stop the negative loop. Don't allow my mind to even go there. Tell myself I am strong enough. Tell myself I've come too far to f*** up now. Tell myself that the only way out is through. Don't assume the worst. Somehow I'll find the positive. Where's the positive? I just can't see it and I'm too panicked to look. My head aches and I don't know what to do to make this stop. Calm down girl, go over what you have said, and what you believe in. OK. Confront your fears. Let them wash over you. Don't hide from them coz they seek you out. How many times have I said that? Need to listen to my own advice. Stop finding ways to torture myself. And for f*** sake, stop looking out the window every time you hear a noise. It isn't him. He hasn't come home.
God almighty I'm pathetic. Come on now girl. I am bigger than this. Remember that I know the depth of my courage, and I know I can do this. What do I do? I go through the motions. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have faith that I can get through this. That's what I need to hang onto. Comfort myself with what I know to be true. Do what I know works. What is it I say? When you can't see the light, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and somewhere in the dark a steadying hand will find you and lead you back towards the light. have faith in that. It worked before and it will work now.
Right, that's about as far as I can go right now. One little step at a time. Just do the best that I can, and be the best that I can, and things will get better. That's what I had to tell myself when I was going through those dark lonely days when I decided to conquer my addiction. I did it then and I can use the same tools now. Remember that I have moved on.
bye,
love
diff xxx
Dear Diff,
You're not alone. Your precious baby is with you everywhere you go and in everything you do. Talk to him/her. Your ex could probably use some of your help. That would preoccupy your time and help him at the same time. You said he wasn't using right? Remember....it's not really HIM that you want it's just because you don't want to be alone...so don't be. Just stay away for your user friends for you sake and the sake of your baby. I will keep you in my prayers. I have faith in your strength. Just keep BUSY!
Love,
Susan
You're not alone. Your precious baby is with you everywhere you go and in everything you do. Talk to him/her. Your ex could probably use some of your help. That would preoccupy your time and help him at the same time. You said he wasn't using right? Remember....it's not really HIM that you want it's just because you don't want to be alone...so don't be. Just stay away for your user friends for you sake and the sake of your baby. I will keep you in my prayers. I have faith in your strength. Just keep BUSY!
Love,
Susan
Oh Susan, there's so much more to this than you could know, so much f***ed up stuff that I daren't talk about even in the relative anonymity of this place. Stuff about our relationship that I feel almost ashamed about. All different people know all different bits but nobody but he and I know the full story. I just can't face people coz I don't feel strong enough to keep the facade up with them, and just don't want to go there. There were two knocks at the door tonight from a couple of different friends. I locked the front door and hid in the back room and ignored them till they went away. I've been talking on the phone to a couple of girl friends, but unfortunately they don't live locally, or I'd be with one of them.
I feel so sorry for this baby, to be born into this. It will grow up wishing it had different parents.
love
Diff xxx
I feel so sorry for this baby, to be born into this. It will grow up wishing it had different parents.
love
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
Don't close friends out because you don't want to talk about it. If I went to a friend and said, "I just need to hang out with you. I'm going through something right now and I really, really don't want to talk about it so I need your friendship and understanding about this. Please don't ask quesitons, just be there for me." I'm sure they would do it for me. Yes, they'd be curious but they would do it.
As far as the baby wishing he/she had different parents...you're the only one who can change or affect the way your baby will feel about you. It's TOTALLY in YOUR hands. Be the kind of mom you want for your child.
You're right...I don't know the WHOLE story of your relationship and it's not my business, but that's water under the bridge. TODAY you can choose to change things and start moving in the right direction. When they place that beautiful baby in your arms, you will know what love is all about. You will want to do anything and everything to make that baby happy and keep him/her safe. I have every confidence you will be a good mom to this baby, but it is in your hands.
Love,
Susan
Don't close friends out because you don't want to talk about it. If I went to a friend and said, "I just need to hang out with you. I'm going through something right now and I really, really don't want to talk about it so I need your friendship and understanding about this. Please don't ask quesitons, just be there for me." I'm sure they would do it for me. Yes, they'd be curious but they would do it.
As far as the baby wishing he/she had different parents...you're the only one who can change or affect the way your baby will feel about you. It's TOTALLY in YOUR hands. Be the kind of mom you want for your child.
You're right...I don't know the WHOLE story of your relationship and it's not my business, but that's water under the bridge. TODAY you can choose to change things and start moving in the right direction. When they place that beautiful baby in your arms, you will know what love is all about. You will want to do anything and everything to make that baby happy and keep him/her safe. I have every confidence you will be a good mom to this baby, but it is in your hands.
Love,
Susan
Diff,
You know that old saying "You are only as sick as your secrets"....maybe it would be healing for you to disclose some of those aspects of your relationship that you deem too shameful to make known. I have a feeling that just about every skeleton in the myriad of people's closets that post here has been aired on the boards at one time or another.
If you speak the mental demon's name and stare it down rather than avert your eyes from its gaze...then it is within your control and power and there is a better chance of slaying the beast...especially if you are flanked by the support of the rest of us here.
I know that feeling of longing for the abuser and feeling abandoned when i should be feeling relieved.....somewhere along the way..without we knowing it..we gave them a piece of ourselves (although they wanted our souls)...and our battered self esteem almost needs to be whipped periodically by our abuser in order for us to feel again...even if it is pain....there is a twisted unhealthy merit to be gained by the abuse....another form of self mutilation which for some can be comforting at times when one is at their breaking points..
I think Susan is right in that maybe the answer isn't so much that we long for the abuser or the individual in question....we are lonely and having been subjected to negative companionship for so long we fear or forgot what feeling good or being with good people is all about..
maybe i am not making sense to you..
but i just want you to know that nobody is here
to judge...just to listen..and sometimes that is a start
luv MARY
You know that old saying "You are only as sick as your secrets"....maybe it would be healing for you to disclose some of those aspects of your relationship that you deem too shameful to make known. I have a feeling that just about every skeleton in the myriad of people's closets that post here has been aired on the boards at one time or another.
If you speak the mental demon's name and stare it down rather than avert your eyes from its gaze...then it is within your control and power and there is a better chance of slaying the beast...especially if you are flanked by the support of the rest of us here.
I know that feeling of longing for the abuser and feeling abandoned when i should be feeling relieved.....somewhere along the way..without we knowing it..we gave them a piece of ourselves (although they wanted our souls)...and our battered self esteem almost needs to be whipped periodically by our abuser in order for us to feel again...even if it is pain....there is a twisted unhealthy merit to be gained by the abuse....another form of self mutilation which for some can be comforting at times when one is at their breaking points..
I think Susan is right in that maybe the answer isn't so much that we long for the abuser or the individual in question....we are lonely and having been subjected to negative companionship for so long we fear or forgot what feeling good or being with good people is all about..
maybe i am not making sense to you..
but i just want you to know that nobody is here
to judge...just to listen..and sometimes that is a start
luv MARY
Hi, I had a call from him last night. Drunk and apparantly having a ball, with a bunch of people I don't know. He called again this morning but I didn't get to the phone in time so I called him back, and had no recollection of the phone call last night, when he just upset me more. We spoke for about a minute, and I told him everything was not fine, and I wasn't happy, and he'd really upset me, then he rang out of talktime. I'd topped up his phone yesterday morning, and he claims he didn't know he had talk time (he rang me off one of his new friends phones last night, and when I called him back at his request, he just hung up on me) but he still managed to run out of talktime (international mobile calls charge you even when it's not you making the call) in 60 seconds.
So, I topped up his phone again and rang him to tell him I'd done it, but he didn't answer his phone, so I texted him and said that I see he's ignoring my calls again, but I've topped up his phone regardless, and added that I don't know who he's using all his talk time up on, but it sure as hell isn't me.
I won't bother topping his phone up again. If he can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to me, then I'm not going pay out good money so he can use all his talk time talking to other people.
I had a meeting with a woman from housing today, and she has received the letter from my shrink, and said that she will be doing her utmost to rehouse me as soon as possible, but I could still be waiting a month. But a month I can do. Just to know that I have something in the pipeline makes me feel better. He's been trying to influence my decision as to where I will live, based on his needs (he's still thinking that wherever I go, he will follow) but he's messed up so badly, that I don't think I need to listen to him. I'll go anywhere where I can have my own front door, that nobody can chuck me out of, a place where I feel safe, a place where me and my baby can have peace and sanctury. He still thinks that when he returns from Ireland, everything will be hunky-dory between us, but the longer he's away, the more used I get to living without him, and the less I need him. Pain is always a great teacher (when a child touches something hot, that burns, they won't go near it again...), and I've learned to try and heed it's lessons. He abandoned me because he's too much of a coward to face up to what he has done to me. He thinks that give me a little time and I'll miss him like crazy. Don't call me, and I'll worry about him. And it's true, that was how I was feeling. But I think I was in shock. And it's true about not really missing him (what does he give me that's so great that I can't live without it) but feeling isolated and lonely.
But what do I tell myself about who I am. I'm a stand-up chick, I'm a survivor, I'll find my feet just about anywhere. I just need a little time to adjust. And he doesn't realise it, but him going away is giving me that time. I remember when my ex went into hospital, back in 2004. I knew the relationship was dying, but when he first went in, I was so sad and lonely. I missed his company so much. He was in for 3 months, and by the time he came out, I'd completely adjusted to living alone, and was really quite enjoying it, and it was difficult to adjust to him coming home. I didn't really want him back, and it was only a matter of time before I left him for good. I learned that the will to survive is stronger than the desire to fight a losing battle - what is it Ghengis Khan said "a wise warrior will not fight a battle he knows he cannot win". Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war, and why should I battle to save a relationship that where I am being abused. I've done self-sacrifice. Been there, read the book, seen the film, bought the T-shirt etc. And it doesn't lead anywhere good. It just makes me ill. I know all these things, it's just a matter of reminding myself that I know, and taking the appropriate action. He hits me. He hurts me physically and mentally. I do love him, but I love myself more, and I don't deserve to be treated like that, especially when I am carrying his child, and the bottom line is that he's not good enough for the likes of me. The first time he used violence against me, he lost the right to have any say over my life. I didn't screw us up, he did. And when I'm gone, he'll hurt a thousand times worse than I do. He's not just losing me, he's losing his child too. And he knows he needs me. Apparantly he told one of his friends (who told me) that he can't cope without me, and if I leave him, he's ucked. He should have thought about that before he made it impossible for me to stay, shouldn't he? And what do I tell all these people who want to help their addicted loved ones? Let them take the consequences of their actions, coz it's the only way they'll learn. So why should I keep on cushioning the blows for him? It's right that he suffers. You inflict unnecessary suffering on others, you shouldn't be surprised when it comes back to visit. It was that thought that enabled me to forgive all those who had hurt me. I don't need to exact revenge, because revenge comes looking for you all on it's own. What goes around comes around, and that's the truth.
The only thing I'm torn over is our child. I want my baby to have a daddy. But he's made such a song and dance about that, that he really doesn't deserve our child. He'd rather I had an abortion and never even told him I was pregnant. Well that's what he tells me, anyway (in between the times when he tells me that we'll be fine, and by the time the baby comes, he'll have sorted his head out and we'll be happy). And I don't want our kid to grow up in that kind of atmosphere, where mummy is afraid of daddy. He'd have to work really hard to convince me that it's safe to let him be a part of our lives.
And I've cheered myself up by going out and buying baby clothes. I just love looking at all those sweet little babygro's and vests and jackets, and can't wait for the day I get to put them on my own child.
love
Diff xxx
So, I topped up his phone again and rang him to tell him I'd done it, but he didn't answer his phone, so I texted him and said that I see he's ignoring my calls again, but I've topped up his phone regardless, and added that I don't know who he's using all his talk time up on, but it sure as hell isn't me.
I won't bother topping his phone up again. If he can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to me, then I'm not going pay out good money so he can use all his talk time talking to other people.
I had a meeting with a woman from housing today, and she has received the letter from my shrink, and said that she will be doing her utmost to rehouse me as soon as possible, but I could still be waiting a month. But a month I can do. Just to know that I have something in the pipeline makes me feel better. He's been trying to influence my decision as to where I will live, based on his needs (he's still thinking that wherever I go, he will follow) but he's messed up so badly, that I don't think I need to listen to him. I'll go anywhere where I can have my own front door, that nobody can chuck me out of, a place where I feel safe, a place where me and my baby can have peace and sanctury. He still thinks that when he returns from Ireland, everything will be hunky-dory between us, but the longer he's away, the more used I get to living without him, and the less I need him. Pain is always a great teacher (when a child touches something hot, that burns, they won't go near it again...), and I've learned to try and heed it's lessons. He abandoned me because he's too much of a coward to face up to what he has done to me. He thinks that give me a little time and I'll miss him like crazy. Don't call me, and I'll worry about him. And it's true, that was how I was feeling. But I think I was in shock. And it's true about not really missing him (what does he give me that's so great that I can't live without it) but feeling isolated and lonely.
But what do I tell myself about who I am. I'm a stand-up chick, I'm a survivor, I'll find my feet just about anywhere. I just need a little time to adjust. And he doesn't realise it, but him going away is giving me that time. I remember when my ex went into hospital, back in 2004. I knew the relationship was dying, but when he first went in, I was so sad and lonely. I missed his company so much. He was in for 3 months, and by the time he came out, I'd completely adjusted to living alone, and was really quite enjoying it, and it was difficult to adjust to him coming home. I didn't really want him back, and it was only a matter of time before I left him for good. I learned that the will to survive is stronger than the desire to fight a losing battle - what is it Ghengis Khan said "a wise warrior will not fight a battle he knows he cannot win". Sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war, and why should I battle to save a relationship that where I am being abused. I've done self-sacrifice. Been there, read the book, seen the film, bought the T-shirt etc. And it doesn't lead anywhere good. It just makes me ill. I know all these things, it's just a matter of reminding myself that I know, and taking the appropriate action. He hits me. He hurts me physically and mentally. I do love him, but I love myself more, and I don't deserve to be treated like that, especially when I am carrying his child, and the bottom line is that he's not good enough for the likes of me. The first time he used violence against me, he lost the right to have any say over my life. I didn't screw us up, he did. And when I'm gone, he'll hurt a thousand times worse than I do. He's not just losing me, he's losing his child too. And he knows he needs me. Apparantly he told one of his friends (who told me) that he can't cope without me, and if I leave him, he's ucked. He should have thought about that before he made it impossible for me to stay, shouldn't he? And what do I tell all these people who want to help their addicted loved ones? Let them take the consequences of their actions, coz it's the only way they'll learn. So why should I keep on cushioning the blows for him? It's right that he suffers. You inflict unnecessary suffering on others, you shouldn't be surprised when it comes back to visit. It was that thought that enabled me to forgive all those who had hurt me. I don't need to exact revenge, because revenge comes looking for you all on it's own. What goes around comes around, and that's the truth.
The only thing I'm torn over is our child. I want my baby to have a daddy. But he's made such a song and dance about that, that he really doesn't deserve our child. He'd rather I had an abortion and never even told him I was pregnant. Well that's what he tells me, anyway (in between the times when he tells me that we'll be fine, and by the time the baby comes, he'll have sorted his head out and we'll be happy). And I don't want our kid to grow up in that kind of atmosphere, where mummy is afraid of daddy. He'd have to work really hard to convince me that it's safe to let him be a part of our lives.
And I've cheered myself up by going out and buying baby clothes. I just love looking at all those sweet little babygro's and vests and jackets, and can't wait for the day I get to put them on my own child.
love
Diff xxx
Hmm, well he's just rung me, very apologetic, and said that his phone has been playing up and doesn't seem to be working, and he asked me how the dog went at the vet today, and then told me he was catching the 9 o' clock ferry and he was coming home. I guess part of me is relieved he's coming home, the part of me that was smarting from being abandoned. And part of me will be happy to see him. But I expect the truth is that he fell out with these so called friends that he went with and ended up with nowhere to stay. I know he spent last night with a bloke he met in the pub. Apparantly. So, he'll be home tonight. I haven't broken it to him that the stinky rottweiler who was living in an outdoor kennel has now moved into his precious and obsessively tidy house. He moved in the day he left but I'm gonna tell him that the vet told me today that he can't sleep outside any more because of his arthritus.
And if anybody was wondering about my dog, coz I do mention him from time to time, the vet said it was probably arthritus but it was hard to examine him because he was so "tense" LMAO!!! Tense, the poor dog was rigid from head to tail! I had to muzzle him, because he would probably bite the vet given half a chance, and he hates wearing a muzzle. He hates strangers being over familiar, and the vet was poking him and prodding him, and Billy was a seriously unhappy dog, and gave his low rumble, which is his "I mean business" growl as opposed to his play snarl, which sounds impressive, but is really just for show. The vet stood up and said "Hmm, we're not going to be able to examine you without a general anaesthetic, are we boy?" The moment I took the muzzle off him, he was fine. But he was pretty good over all. And the vet has given him some anti-inflammatory medicine, which will be a challenge coz Bill only eats dry food, and this is a liquid. I've had an idea though. I've got some left over custard in the fridge. I think Bill would like the custard. Anyway, he's got an appointment to go back next Monday to see if there's any improvement, and if not, he'll have to have x-rays. So I'm pretty hopeful. A woman at the vets who saw the medicine he was prescribed told me that her German Shepherd was taking the same thing and it had done wonders for him.
OK, I've got to clean up a bit, coz Mr Obsessive/Compulsive is gonna be home in a few hours. Put a clean blanket down for the dog. I did give him a bath before I let him sleep in the house, and he did smell vaguely of cherries for a bit, but he does smell a bit "Old Rottie" which of course he is. I sprayed him with doggie deodorant (yes, such a product does exist, 2.99 at Wilkinsons) today, but his brush smells rank, so I don't know if I was making things worse or better. But I've got a can of Oust, and a bottle of Febreeze, so I'll try and minimise the doggie body odour problem. I don't bother moving the dog when I febreeze the dog bed. I hope it's not poisonous!
love
Diff xxx
And if anybody was wondering about my dog, coz I do mention him from time to time, the vet said it was probably arthritus but it was hard to examine him because he was so "tense" LMAO!!! Tense, the poor dog was rigid from head to tail! I had to muzzle him, because he would probably bite the vet given half a chance, and he hates wearing a muzzle. He hates strangers being over familiar, and the vet was poking him and prodding him, and Billy was a seriously unhappy dog, and gave his low rumble, which is his "I mean business" growl as opposed to his play snarl, which sounds impressive, but is really just for show. The vet stood up and said "Hmm, we're not going to be able to examine you without a general anaesthetic, are we boy?" The moment I took the muzzle off him, he was fine. But he was pretty good over all. And the vet has given him some anti-inflammatory medicine, which will be a challenge coz Bill only eats dry food, and this is a liquid. I've had an idea though. I've got some left over custard in the fridge. I think Bill would like the custard. Anyway, he's got an appointment to go back next Monday to see if there's any improvement, and if not, he'll have to have x-rays. So I'm pretty hopeful. A woman at the vets who saw the medicine he was prescribed told me that her German Shepherd was taking the same thing and it had done wonders for him.
OK, I've got to clean up a bit, coz Mr Obsessive/Compulsive is gonna be home in a few hours. Put a clean blanket down for the dog. I did give him a bath before I let him sleep in the house, and he did smell vaguely of cherries for a bit, but he does smell a bit "Old Rottie" which of course he is. I sprayed him with doggie deodorant (yes, such a product does exist, 2.99 at Wilkinsons) today, but his brush smells rank, so I don't know if I was making things worse or better. But I've got a can of Oust, and a bottle of Febreeze, so I'll try and minimise the doggie body odour problem. I don't bother moving the dog when I febreeze the dog bed. I hope it's not poisonous!
love
Diff xxx
