Hey, I was just thinking: anyone read any John LeCarre? Here's the proposition: Do you think your skills as an addict would make you a good spy? Now, give me a sec;THINK: we are used to meeting people on the street, using sleight-of-hand to pass small objects back & forth, we memorise phone #'s, license plates, makes & models of cars, we can stand on a corner for a while & look as if we belong there, we can identify a person from 3 blocks away by the way they walk- all this is traditional spy tradecraft,according to LeCarre, at least-so whadda ya think? Do we have a new career as spies or what?Maybe we can contact an Intelligence Agency & offer our services, see what they say...Whaddaya reckon?
Already tried it; applied to be a Staff Operations Officer, which is essentially a spy, because of my law degree, Middle Eastern looks, and because I speak four laguages. They set you up somewhere overseas with a sham job; your real job is to encourage and convince govnt officials (or anyone who has useful information to give) to reveal their secrets to you in exchange for money, US citizenship, etc.
The bad news? If you get caught by the "enemy", you're f#cked; unlike what you see in the movies, no one comes to rescue you. In fact, no one will even acknowledge who you truly are! Plus the pay is mediocre, you can't tell most of your family and friends what it is that you do, and, oh yeah, I would have had to work for the current administration. And, MOST importantly (at least for an addict), you can't have used any drugs in the last year (which, at the time, was a problem for me- hell, I was constantly on drugs when I applied there!) and you can't have been involved in selling drugs in ANY capacity in last seven years (yeah, this one was a problem for me too; not that I was Scarface of anything). They tell you that they will eventually give you a polygraph, so if you can't meet this criteria, they tell you not to bother wasting their time and to come back when you can meet this criteria. And, as a criminal defense attorney I have since learned that polygraphs ARE NOT as easy to beat as you might believe, unless you can control your sphincter better than Roy can control white tigers (ok bad example).
On the day of the first face-to-face clandestine meeting, we had to actually find where it was located without asking anyone (I sh#t you not, they gave you vague directions but that was it, sort of a "first test" type thing.) To top it off, I was high as sh#t on coke, though I'm proud to say I still found my way there! I just couldn't sit still, and kept thinking of the nice gram I still had left in my car. When they took a break for a buffet dinner (you can imagine how appetizing that sounded to someone high on blow) I bailed, having discovered in the first half of the meeting that I would eventually be disqualified anyways because of my drug use and involvement.
Now I've revealed some of their secrets and I'll probably be tracked down and whacked because of this post. Hopefully they have better things to do. More likely, they aren't even paying attention, like the rest of you. Thank god for short attention spans!
Robert
The bad news? If you get caught by the "enemy", you're f#cked; unlike what you see in the movies, no one comes to rescue you. In fact, no one will even acknowledge who you truly are! Plus the pay is mediocre, you can't tell most of your family and friends what it is that you do, and, oh yeah, I would have had to work for the current administration. And, MOST importantly (at least for an addict), you can't have used any drugs in the last year (which, at the time, was a problem for me- hell, I was constantly on drugs when I applied there!) and you can't have been involved in selling drugs in ANY capacity in last seven years (yeah, this one was a problem for me too; not that I was Scarface of anything). They tell you that they will eventually give you a polygraph, so if you can't meet this criteria, they tell you not to bother wasting their time and to come back when you can meet this criteria. And, as a criminal defense attorney I have since learned that polygraphs ARE NOT as easy to beat as you might believe, unless you can control your sphincter better than Roy can control white tigers (ok bad example).
On the day of the first face-to-face clandestine meeting, we had to actually find where it was located without asking anyone (I sh#t you not, they gave you vague directions but that was it, sort of a "first test" type thing.) To top it off, I was high as sh#t on coke, though I'm proud to say I still found my way there! I just couldn't sit still, and kept thinking of the nice gram I still had left in my car. When they took a break for a buffet dinner (you can imagine how appetizing that sounded to someone high on blow) I bailed, having discovered in the first half of the meeting that I would eventually be disqualified anyways because of my drug use and involvement.
Now I've revealed some of their secrets and I'll probably be tracked down and whacked because of this post. Hopefully they have better things to do. More likely, they aren't even paying attention, like the rest of you. Thank god for short attention spans!
Robert
I don't think I'd make a good spy, Maybe a good Steve Niles character though, like a Cal MacDonald, I think I remember him usuing a hot shot to kill a monster once...
great post newbie!
even though its probably all true it really made me laugh.i havent laughed this hard for a while.loved your assimalation with roy and the tigar.
even though its probably all true it really made me laugh.i havent laughed this hard for a while.loved your assimalation with roy and the tigar.
Oh, it's true all right. Believe me, I'm not smart enough to make up anything that twisted.
Stop it.....only Alaska.....I am laughing so hard.....I don't want to laugh....I want to be mad......girl you crack me the heck up.......newbie that is hilarious.
You have a point Alaska......we learn to wait too.....I never knew cars.....I had to use my super dee dooper spy skills to size up a backward sting all the time...meanwhile some dealer is in an alley with a line waiting going let me see your tracks....get them sleeves up y'all.....now that is plain nuts.....I am so glad I got two years soon cause that zany, crazy, dangerous stuff takes alot of time.
O.K. so if you scored, and walked, and see a guy with a looong T-shirt, but he has cop pants on......would ya go back to the same place the next day.....our eyes actually met......I saw the walkie talkie.....I GO BACK.....BAM busted...wet my pants, and peed on a police officer.....little white short shorts....all the while thinking "I saw this coming".......so I would not make a good spy CIA or otherwise, and if i was a cop I would let everyone go....I would feel bad......too funny Alaska.....right about those numbers......put another 50 cents in please.......again, and again....half the dope money went on payphones i swear........you guys are funny....here's to clean time.
You have a point Alaska......we learn to wait too.....I never knew cars.....I had to use my super dee dooper spy skills to size up a backward sting all the time...meanwhile some dealer is in an alley with a line waiting going let me see your tracks....get them sleeves up y'all.....now that is plain nuts.....I am so glad I got two years soon cause that zany, crazy, dangerous stuff takes alot of time.
O.K. so if you scored, and walked, and see a guy with a looong T-shirt, but he has cop pants on......would ya go back to the same place the next day.....our eyes actually met......I saw the walkie talkie.....I GO BACK.....BAM busted...wet my pants, and peed on a police officer.....little white short shorts....all the while thinking "I saw this coming".......so I would not make a good spy CIA or otherwise, and if i was a cop I would let everyone go....I would feel bad......too funny Alaska.....right about those numbers......put another 50 cents in please.......again, and again....half the dope money went on payphones i swear........you guys are funny....here's to clean time.
I've definitely done some desperate stupid stuff to get my dope, on the other hand I've done some top notch cons to get the cash. I think most of us would be good actors.
Ha ha Zekk, totally!! I think that's our true calling over here! Able to convince people we are sober when we are high as a kite, that's a feat!
Well, hey now, I'm not so wide off the mark here, remember that Bridget Fonda flick, w/ Gabe Byrne? The Assassin? (The Little Nikita remake?) Ol'Brigie was supposed to be a street-kid/junkie type,then they trained her to run around whackin folks, so, I am @ least as sane as a Hollywood scriptwriter.Sounds like Newbie didn't give himself a chance, Dude, you stick w/ us on this Site & stay clean for a year, THEN go back & re-apply. WHEN they hire you, you can tell them "Hey, I know all these people, they'd be real good pavement artists..." YOU can be our foot in the door, OK?
