its been awhile!!! Pop in and say hello and let us know how you are doing....
Cookster
Good call. How ya doin Lookinup?
HI, Hey, I'm ok. I dream of the day when I can say I feel good most of the time. I'm only 45 still Young, Loving, Creative, Active, Smart & Something I rarely say or believe I'm pretty & still cute ha ha. Did I mention my pride & ego. God, thats it! Religion b/w. My gift, I don't even now believe. I've been busy didn't drink again for 21 days. My Mother In- law passed away 8/14 up to Port Angelas & PT. Townsend, WA. back late 8/19. My husband never cried. I tried not to drink. Then my avoidance attachment style towards family gave in or gave up. Oh yes and nearly all of them drank bunches/weed to. You should have felt the tension as my Father In Law & Step Mom In Law are Mormons with some others. I'm not saying anything is wrong for those who are Mormons but please leave me alone! Let's not discuss how much I drank & how once you start then you just want to again & again. Darn detox again just before Daughetrs b-day I'm thinking you all understand/well the drinking part. Getting ready for trip, daughters 20th B-day glad not her 21st. Yes, was it temptation or the fact that no body knows how sick I am. Thats the one. I really do feel so phys. sick as my body is doing the flip flop. I just want so bad to be able to rest/ I don't know how much longer I can fake it. I'm so, so, so freaking tired. God is the one who keeps me going . How will I pull off this trip ? When I just need to detox. MY HP?GOD?JESUS I'm not sure I can manage not drinking, before the next trip,or on the trip! My body is dependant on it. I sure wish I had a Sister, Brother, Mother, Father, Husband , Family Member , or a Friend to stay with so I could get thru the withdrawals. Well I don't so, I will just keep surviving . I need a place of rest. I'm so so tired . AA did'nt wk for me. Glad for those who it wks for. So, before I was such a bad person. I mean that I believed that from so long ago a bad person when I knew inside my heart its not TRUE. I am A really lovely person I was so really wonderful Me the Friend, The Mom, The Daughter, The Grandaughter, The Sister, The Niece, The Cousin, The Aunt, The Wife, The Vollunter, The Worker, Who's Me? Guess what not much has changed except for guess what yep getting older.
I'm headed to Montana this Fri. Hubby & I have never been further than camping trips in OR. & one wknd. trip to Seattle/23yrs. married I don't feel safe with Him or Bear Country. He is not my Friend, I'm scared !!!!. I wished I could say I was kidding, or just an anxiety thing. Actually it's both. Were going to be gone for two wks. I'm afraid of Bears !!! This is not my dream vacation/well part of it is. I'm really afraid of bears & him.
Cookster I knew you would make it. I feel I've known you Zak my whole life. It's your posts I relate to the most so it would be natural to say your words/writings at times seem to be my own words. I find so much comfort in your posts Zac. Ginge my trucker friend. How can I say thankyou enough for bringing supplies that are so much needed/my Dad did too. Lacey for along time I'VE ADMIRED YOU !!! For tons of Reasons/Artist I wonder what the Math teacher's real name is ? A new school yr. yet, to begin. Congradulations on six months of sobriety I'm so happy for you I'm so proud of you Cookster. I will try to stay with you guys. I'll try even harder to stay here for my Girls.
A great soul The Wonder Woman it will get easier stay married to their Dad. I've got a feeling it's supposed to be. I found the teenage yrs. were the hardest, but like the Cooster said they come back to you You are the Coolest Gal .Because you raised them with so many gifts. Your spirit is so teaching /giving. I love you WW. VWgirl, I know it's easy for me to say I pray for you & your girls. They will be better then just OK. They to have a great Mom sounds like a Dad to. They will come back & get it . Be Patient, continue to be sober. KEEP PRAYING ! Those girls of yours will love you no matter what. Just a little more ageing/wisdom to go.. They will see what God sees what we see in you a Beautiful, Loving , Smart Woman. Yep, thats Geri !!!!
Stacey , Gorden 23 If you can do it I can to !! I sure hope so cause I literally feel sick. I just keep trying to go like a 20/30yr. old What a great actress I am. You were the first person to welcome me here on the board > Thankyou Stacey, you have the sweetest spirit, perhaps it is because you have suffered more than most of us on this Earth. I really do love you and gain strengh from your courage & success.
SKG, You make me laugh what an entertainer /smart guy you are. Excellent writer. An all around high acheiver. Yet, a kind & giving human. Take care keep doing what you do. Smile, cause that's what you make others do SMILE!
Idgie, I don't miss you. Because, your heart is with me always. I know you, I'm thankful for your time spent here with us. We are a part of each other now & always.
Izzie, I love you! God is inside all of us. Even if we don't belive it or know it. God is inside of us all.
Cookster once again thankyou, for wondering about me. It's really really wonderful to know someone cares. Thankyou, for reminding me of what I know deep inside of me . I am warm, insightful & a few other good things to. I'm going to believe it more & more.
Now to my fellow Americans: Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm grateful to have been born in this great land. I'm proud to be born here I'm not so sure I'm proud to be called an American? I wished I was a Canook/ Canadian.
Well hell only 25milion & lots of wilderness. I had better learn a lot more about thier politics.
I am what I am. You don't have to love me or like me, but it helps me because you are all so kind !!!!
It's after midnight, one more day to spend with my girls & one girls birthday wants me to lay out in the sun with her sissy & me. How do I say no when theres so much packing/cooking to do before the trip? Because, I'm blessed that my daughter who is turning 20 tomorrow wants to spend her B-day all day on her day off with me & later with her little family Well good thing all Jenn wants is to play games with us & Grams, Pizza, Salad. I wonder if Jenn knows Gram's, literally can't see much? Its OK Grams & I will know what to do with the heart fields.
Love Always, Your Friend, Chris
I'm headed to Montana this Fri. Hubby & I have never been further than camping trips in OR. & one wknd. trip to Seattle/23yrs. married I don't feel safe with Him or Bear Country. He is not my Friend, I'm scared !!!!. I wished I could say I was kidding, or just an anxiety thing. Actually it's both. Were going to be gone for two wks. I'm afraid of Bears !!! This is not my dream vacation/well part of it is. I'm really afraid of bears & him.
Cookster I knew you would make it. I feel I've known you Zak my whole life. It's your posts I relate to the most so it would be natural to say your words/writings at times seem to be my own words. I find so much comfort in your posts Zac. Ginge my trucker friend. How can I say thankyou enough for bringing supplies that are so much needed/my Dad did too. Lacey for along time I'VE ADMIRED YOU !!! For tons of Reasons/Artist I wonder what the Math teacher's real name is ? A new school yr. yet, to begin. Congradulations on six months of sobriety I'm so happy for you I'm so proud of you Cookster. I will try to stay with you guys. I'll try even harder to stay here for my Girls.
A great soul The Wonder Woman it will get easier stay married to their Dad. I've got a feeling it's supposed to be. I found the teenage yrs. were the hardest, but like the Cooster said they come back to you You are the Coolest Gal .Because you raised them with so many gifts. Your spirit is so teaching /giving. I love you WW. VWgirl, I know it's easy for me to say I pray for you & your girls. They will be better then just OK. They to have a great Mom sounds like a Dad to. They will come back & get it . Be Patient, continue to be sober. KEEP PRAYING ! Those girls of yours will love you no matter what. Just a little more ageing/wisdom to go.. They will see what God sees what we see in you a Beautiful, Loving , Smart Woman. Yep, thats Geri !!!!
Stacey , Gorden 23 If you can do it I can to !! I sure hope so cause I literally feel sick. I just keep trying to go like a 20/30yr. old What a great actress I am. You were the first person to welcome me here on the board > Thankyou Stacey, you have the sweetest spirit, perhaps it is because you have suffered more than most of us on this Earth. I really do love you and gain strengh from your courage & success.
SKG, You make me laugh what an entertainer /smart guy you are. Excellent writer. An all around high acheiver. Yet, a kind & giving human. Take care keep doing what you do. Smile, cause that's what you make others do SMILE!
Idgie, I don't miss you. Because, your heart is with me always. I know you, I'm thankful for your time spent here with us. We are a part of each other now & always.
Izzie, I love you! God is inside all of us. Even if we don't belive it or know it. God is inside of us all.
Cookster once again thankyou, for wondering about me. It's really really wonderful to know someone cares. Thankyou, for reminding me of what I know deep inside of me . I am warm, insightful & a few other good things to. I'm going to believe it more & more.
Now to my fellow Americans: Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm grateful to have been born in this great land. I'm proud to be born here I'm not so sure I'm proud to be called an American? I wished I was a Canook/ Canadian.
Well hell only 25milion & lots of wilderness. I had better learn a lot more about thier politics.
I am what I am. You don't have to love me or like me, but it helps me because you are all so kind !!!!
It's after midnight, one more day to spend with my girls & one girls birthday wants me to lay out in the sun with her sissy & me. How do I say no when theres so much packing/cooking to do before the trip? Because, I'm blessed that my daughter who is turning 20 tomorrow wants to spend her B-day all day on her day off with me & later with her little family Well good thing all Jenn wants is to play games with us & Grams, Pizza, Salad. I wonder if Jenn knows Gram's, literally can't see much? Its OK Grams & I will know what to do with the heart fields.
Love Always, Your Friend, Chris
Hi, Chris,
When I was 'white knuckling" it back beginning in August, I went to see a psychiatrist.
"A psychiatrist is a physician who deals with mentally ill patients. Psychiatrists are MDs, so they can prescribe medication. As a result, they usually deal with clinical issues such as schizophrenia and manic-depression whose treatments tend to require medication."
Yeah, insurance paid for it, but I decided that was a beginning, so I started seeing one and told them the problem. I was prescribed Librium to help me down from the withdrawals, and then to Campral and Antabuse. Again, they work--if you work them. Antabuse will make you wish you were dead if you try to drink over it--trust me. More wicked than any sickness I ever experienced because, you guessed it, I had to see just how bad it could be. It was.
My point is that there are a BUNCH of different ways to get sober. Staying sober, to me, means making a conscious effort to stay that way and to take care of me. To make the CHOICE to live my life differently and to take stuff from meetings that I can apply. Have I done the 12 Steps? Nope--but I've taken pieces of them with me. Have I missed a couple meetings? Yup--and have gotten to the point in my sobriety when I KNOW I need to get to one because I'm all up inside my head and it's a frightening place to be alone! :)
Lookin, my sobriety is a selfish one because I HAVE to do this for me and me alone--and my Spousal Unit doesn't get it, alothough she doesn't try to sabotage me--because I can lie and hide stuff to alot of people, but I can't hide from me!
I'm likin' me for the first time since I was probably 12-13 years old in a peaceful way that can only be described as serenity. I don't need to do s*** for everyone/with everyone/because of everyone anymore--and it feels GOOD. MY HP is working me and, as long as I remember to be thankful and work my sobriety consciously, it's simple.
There IS hope. Thanks for being honest with yourself. You don't have to do it all at once, either.
When I was 'white knuckling" it back beginning in August, I went to see a psychiatrist.
"A psychiatrist is a physician who deals with mentally ill patients. Psychiatrists are MDs, so they can prescribe medication. As a result, they usually deal with clinical issues such as schizophrenia and manic-depression whose treatments tend to require medication."
Yeah, insurance paid for it, but I decided that was a beginning, so I started seeing one and told them the problem. I was prescribed Librium to help me down from the withdrawals, and then to Campral and Antabuse. Again, they work--if you work them. Antabuse will make you wish you were dead if you try to drink over it--trust me. More wicked than any sickness I ever experienced because, you guessed it, I had to see just how bad it could be. It was.
My point is that there are a BUNCH of different ways to get sober. Staying sober, to me, means making a conscious effort to stay that way and to take care of me. To make the CHOICE to live my life differently and to take stuff from meetings that I can apply. Have I done the 12 Steps? Nope--but I've taken pieces of them with me. Have I missed a couple meetings? Yup--and have gotten to the point in my sobriety when I KNOW I need to get to one because I'm all up inside my head and it's a frightening place to be alone! :)
Lookin, my sobriety is a selfish one because I HAVE to do this for me and me alone--and my Spousal Unit doesn't get it, alothough she doesn't try to sabotage me--because I can lie and hide stuff to alot of people, but I can't hide from me!
I'm likin' me for the first time since I was probably 12-13 years old in a peaceful way that can only be described as serenity. I don't need to do s*** for everyone/with everyone/because of everyone anymore--and it feels GOOD. MY HP is working me and, as long as I remember to be thankful and work my sobriety consciously, it's simple.
There IS hope. Thanks for being honest with yourself. You don't have to do it all at once, either.
SKG is so right there; there is always hope. The first time I tried to stop drinking I was about 22. I didn't achieve it until I was 32. It is not easy Lookinup as well you and everyone here knows. When you finally do it, you will come to realise it is the best thing you have ever done. I am realising that now. I hit one and a half years clean and sober on Tuesday and I can't believe the changes that have happened to me and my life. I never realised just what all that substance abuse did. So ahead of you Lookinup, should you get sober is a life you just won't be able to imagine right now. You are a really good person and you do have all those qualities you know you have really, and yeah I bet you are cute!! I am starting to realise that I am not so bad looking. I thought I was ugly and gross for years. I am starting to see that I am a great person. When the clouds lift, and the light comes in, you and your life can shine. I hope this is your path Lookinup, I hope this will happen to you.
All the very best.
All the very best.
Hey Lookinup,
its good to hear from you again! I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling; I know what its like ( as do all of us on this board). I think I got off quite easily, I didn't get beat up as badly as some have by the "beast" I know there are others who have more of a struggle than I; just the same though, I'd like to think that everybody can find sobriety and I hope you do. It sounds like you are having some successes staying sober for periods of time. You know I'm pulling for you!
Enjoy your camping trip in Montanna. Try not to worry too much about the bears, just don't keep food in your tent and don't camp near garbage cans and stuff like that. My neighbor saw a bear in her garden a few years ago and chased it out of her yard swatting it with her broom; she takes her garden seriously. We always get bears in town in the fall, they come in when the fruit trees have ripe fruit on them.
Well another two weeks and I'll be back in school again..... It has been so nice to have the summer off and to catch my breath... working and getting/staying sober kept me very busy and I was feeling a little worn thin. I'm looking forward to starting a new school year without the monkey on my back.
one day at a time.... Dennis
its good to hear from you again! I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling; I know what its like ( as do all of us on this board). I think I got off quite easily, I didn't get beat up as badly as some have by the "beast" I know there are others who have more of a struggle than I; just the same though, I'd like to think that everybody can find sobriety and I hope you do. It sounds like you are having some successes staying sober for periods of time. You know I'm pulling for you!
Enjoy your camping trip in Montanna. Try not to worry too much about the bears, just don't keep food in your tent and don't camp near garbage cans and stuff like that. My neighbor saw a bear in her garden a few years ago and chased it out of her yard swatting it with her broom; she takes her garden seriously. We always get bears in town in the fall, they come in when the fruit trees have ripe fruit on them.
Well another two weeks and I'll be back in school again..... It has been so nice to have the summer off and to catch my breath... working and getting/staying sober kept me very busy and I was feeling a little worn thin. I'm looking forward to starting a new school year without the monkey on my back.
one day at a time.... Dennis
Hi there ~ Thanks for the kind words...I got sober when I was 44 years old...just try to stay in today....I know the fatigue and tiredness, I use to shut my office door the first year of sobriety and catch a five minute nap some days....it will get better, your body is healing. My Sponsor use to say to me in my early sobriety, remember you were out there for 28 years, your physical health will take time to return...trust the process...mental, spiritual and physical. I can't keep this gift of sobriety if I don't give it away by reaching out to the still suffering alcoholic and recovering alcoholic....Thank you for keeping me sober today, one alcoholic talking to another, that's how it works! You don't have to do this thing alone, we are here for you!
Gidday Lookinup
Light, love and energy to you with every typed letter i send you energy.
I know the fear, worry, negativety and walking up to the abiss of not having alcohol as an emotion is impossible or so i used to think so.
I tryed to die at 18 by od ing and i had one of the best trips ever and even then instead of realising the bonus of drugs i thought what a looser i cant even kill myself and so i let goe of the reins and alcohol became my life and god carried me in his eyes because i did not want his arms.
I tryed so many ways of stopping and thought so many times of dying but in the end because i liked attention good or bad, death was not an option but what could i do as alcohol was killing me sofly and slowly physically and hard mentally.
The last drink i had i done it all hurt people, cheated and then wanted to die but again blackout beat me to death and so i woke in the morning surrounded by the damage, fear and self loathing......TODAY i am going to die and i had a plan so i would die before i got drunk only thing was i was sober and the me that cared was thinking a bit and i like attention and having a funeral is great for attention but then it sort of stops so i got help and it was the attention seeking that saved me and a byproduct of that was recovery and finding out i am a good person etc etc
Bloody hell im starting my life story Hey Lookinup i know you can do it and one day gradually you will start to think about you and how beautiful you are inside and out, i bet you write beautiful poetry.....
Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful it comes out in us in many ways, some you can see the problem and some they keep it all inside and tear themselves apart internally.
God, Higher Power whatever you believe in is ther for you and carrying you so ask him if you can be guided to a point where you can walk with him and become stronger in your resolve to stop drinking and overcome the fear.
I know fear i wear it well and the coat always fits well when i grab it back before i allow myself to think of a better outcome
My first poem in recovery was
I looked in the mirror and what did i see....surprise, surprise someone worthwhile was lookin back at me
Lookinup you know you are beautiful and so does God allow him to keep you safe on all that is in front of you with the camping and life
Light and love Zac
Light, love and energy to you with every typed letter i send you energy.
I know the fear, worry, negativety and walking up to the abiss of not having alcohol as an emotion is impossible or so i used to think so.
I tryed to die at 18 by od ing and i had one of the best trips ever and even then instead of realising the bonus of drugs i thought what a looser i cant even kill myself and so i let goe of the reins and alcohol became my life and god carried me in his eyes because i did not want his arms.
I tryed so many ways of stopping and thought so many times of dying but in the end because i liked attention good or bad, death was not an option but what could i do as alcohol was killing me sofly and slowly physically and hard mentally.
The last drink i had i done it all hurt people, cheated and then wanted to die but again blackout beat me to death and so i woke in the morning surrounded by the damage, fear and self loathing......TODAY i am going to die and i had a plan so i would die before i got drunk only thing was i was sober and the me that cared was thinking a bit and i like attention and having a funeral is great for attention but then it sort of stops so i got help and it was the attention seeking that saved me and a byproduct of that was recovery and finding out i am a good person etc etc
Bloody hell im starting my life story Hey Lookinup i know you can do it and one day gradually you will start to think about you and how beautiful you are inside and out, i bet you write beautiful poetry.....
Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful it comes out in us in many ways, some you can see the problem and some they keep it all inside and tear themselves apart internally.
God, Higher Power whatever you believe in is ther for you and carrying you so ask him if you can be guided to a point where you can walk with him and become stronger in your resolve to stop drinking and overcome the fear.
I know fear i wear it well and the coat always fits well when i grab it back before i allow myself to think of a better outcome
My first poem in recovery was
I looked in the mirror and what did i see....surprise, surprise someone worthwhile was lookin back at me
Lookinup you know you are beautiful and so does God allow him to keep you safe on all that is in front of you with the camping and life
Light and love Zac
