Hi everyone
I know i haven't posted in a really long time, I hope its ok. Hope everyone is doing ok, Ginge i've been in touch with but Val, LD, VW, Zac, Idgie, Izzy and everyone else I hope you are ok.
I'm still struggling with the drinking and also with depression and other bad habits. None of the bad stuff I do makes me feel better but I keep doing it anyway because i don't know what else to do. I don't really have any support except my brother but there's some stuff I can't tell him because it would just make him worry and he cant really help. He keeps telling me to see a dr and get on meds for depression but i have no insurance and hardly any money so what can I do. So I just keep drinking, hurting myself, hating myself and then I go out and put on a false face and pretend everything's fine. I keep thinking that if no one else knows how bad things are they are somehow not that bad. Stupid.
I dont know what to do and i'm not sure why I'm even here except hoping maybe someone can offer some words that might make me feel a little less alone. My brother tries but he's never been depressed in his life and admits he doesnt really understand. Sometimes I get angry with him because everything seems so easy for him. He used to smoke weed every day and binge on coke and gave them both up like nothing, and when he gets down about something he can shrug it off so fast. I can't figure out how we could have come out of the same womb.
Sorry to ramble on but I really needed to get some of this stuff out. Probably I shouldnt be here after being gone so long, I'm sorry. Anyway I hope everyone is doing ok, thanks for letting me spill it.
-Amy
Hiya Amy... everything you write rings true to me and I'm there too... I'm still struggling with depression and drinking but my Psychiatrist has now prescribed me a mood stabiliser...
You have as much right to be here as any of us... that's your depression speaking... I think of it like a little monster on your shoulder and he'll do anything to bring you down... if you can just tell him to shut up for a while maybe you could find some breathing space... although I know how difficult that is.
I'm struggling with the cycle that depression brings too... It's so hard to do somehting different because what we've been doing we've done it for so long that it becomes normality and any deviation from that is really scary... for me I can cope about a week 10 days without a drink and then reality becomes too much and I binge again... but I know one day I'm going to beat this... and that's what keeps me going... Try and keep your chin up and you know where I am if you need to chat XX
Izzy X
You have as much right to be here as any of us... that's your depression speaking... I think of it like a little monster on your shoulder and he'll do anything to bring you down... if you can just tell him to shut up for a while maybe you could find some breathing space... although I know how difficult that is.
I'm struggling with the cycle that depression brings too... It's so hard to do somehting different because what we've been doing we've done it for so long that it becomes normality and any deviation from that is really scary... for me I can cope about a week 10 days without a drink and then reality becomes too much and I binge again... but I know one day I'm going to beat this... and that's what keeps me going... Try and keep your chin up and you know where I am if you need to chat XX
Izzy X
Thanks Izzy... I'd really like to give meds a shot, I'd try almost anything at this point, but no $$... started a new job in February and it was going great, was supposed to get insurance starting this month but now the company is shutting down and I'll be looking for work again soon. It hasn't helped things. I try so hard to push away that voice that tells me I'm no good but its really hard. I have another brother who likes to tell me I can just "decide to be happy" and it makes me want to smack him because he's f-ing clueless.
And that's exactly how I feel, like I've been doing the same things for so long that I can't break away from them, the thought of changing things is so scary because what if I somehow fix all the other stuff and I still suck, you know? So I sabotage myself all the time. And shoot, at this point I'm lucky if I go 2 or 3 days without drinking. I hate being alone with myself without altering my state because I dont like myself much. But everything you said rang true to me too, it makes me feel a little better that there's someone out there who understands. I've got to go now but thanks for replying Izzy, I appreciate you being there. No internet at home but I'll try to check back tomorrow... you and everyone have a good night or day...
-A.
And that's exactly how I feel, like I've been doing the same things for so long that I can't break away from them, the thought of changing things is so scary because what if I somehow fix all the other stuff and I still suck, you know? So I sabotage myself all the time. And shoot, at this point I'm lucky if I go 2 or 3 days without drinking. I hate being alone with myself without altering my state because I dont like myself much. But everything you said rang true to me too, it makes me feel a little better that there's someone out there who understands. I've got to go now but thanks for replying Izzy, I appreciate you being there. No internet at home but I'll try to check back tomorrow... you and everyone have a good night or day...
-A.
Amy, of course its ok for you to post here even if you haven't posted for a while. The only thing that's not ok is to give up. You obviously haven't given up, you are still trying GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! I know what its like to not be able to go without drinking; it was no fun at all having alcohol running my life for me. Keep posting, it will help you feel not alone which will help ease your depression. Having to find a new job and dealing with addiction & depresion is an awful lot to deal with. Take things one at a time if you can.
Stay in touch, I'll be thinking of you.... Cookster
Stay in touch, I'll be thinking of you.... Cookster
Hi CB good to see you back - sorry things are rough for you.
Perhaps losing your job will be a blessing in disguise. Maybe now would be the perfect time to go into a rehab??? What have you got to lose?
Sounds like you are struggling trying to do it on your own.
I can remember times last year when I never, ever thought I'd be able to get even a month of sobriety - it seemed an impossible goal. But I did it. I have stumbled a lot of times, but just keep getting back up. Right now I have 6 weeks sober - that is HUGE for me.
I just got desperate Amy and begged my HP for help. And when I really asked from the heart and was willing to start doing the hardand scary things in recovery well - it started working for me. The obsession was removed and the cravings lessened and my moods are a lot better now. I've still got an incredibly long way to go - I know that. But when I compare how I am now to this time last year!!!! Wow. What a change.
You can have it too Amy, just surrender completely, humble your pride and you'll gain something that is so much more.
love
Idgie
Perhaps losing your job will be a blessing in disguise. Maybe now would be the perfect time to go into a rehab??? What have you got to lose?
Sounds like you are struggling trying to do it on your own.
I can remember times last year when I never, ever thought I'd be able to get even a month of sobriety - it seemed an impossible goal. But I did it. I have stumbled a lot of times, but just keep getting back up. Right now I have 6 weeks sober - that is HUGE for me.
I just got desperate Amy and begged my HP for help. And when I really asked from the heart and was willing to start doing the hardand scary things in recovery well - it started working for me. The obsession was removed and the cravings lessened and my moods are a lot better now. I've still got an incredibly long way to go - I know that. But when I compare how I am now to this time last year!!!! Wow. What a change.
You can have it too Amy, just surrender completely, humble your pride and you'll gain something that is so much more.
love
Idgie
Hi Ciaobella (Amy),.
I know all about self sabotage...done it so many times. I even had been doing it in sobriety. Things start to go good and then here I go and do something ususally dumb to sabotage myself...then get the thought oh well I screwed up I might as well add to it and get drunk or high. Instead though this time I pick up the phone or whatever so I don't drink. I have been told I can start my day over at any time. So thats what I do....I dont self sabotage so much anymore.
As far as money problems and insurance problems, I know them all too well. Even sober I still have them. It just gets easier to deal with them the longer I stay sober. I no longer think its the end of the world if I can't pay all of my electric bill or whatever. I just do the best that I can, that is all any of us can do. I ususally call and work out a payment plan, most of the time they are willing to work with you as long as you keep up your end. As far as insurance goes, I have gone to clinics when I had no insurance and it took alittle longer but I did get help there as well.
Even though I got sober didn't mean my financial and other problems went away. Just the way I deal with them is different. And it does get better, just hang in there. I know that while your going through it that it sucks, and when you hear someone say it gets better you might think to yourself...well it sucks for me right now , I'm glad it gets better for you but I'm just not there yet. And thats ok. When people used to tell me that I used to think...well s***...I dont care whether you got through it or not, cause right now I am and it sucks and I wish people would just leave me alone...lololol....thats ok to...but it does get better , the longer you can stay sober, I promise you that. I know it sounds cliche but it will get better. Just dont give up on yourself. You are worth it....we all are. Hope this made some kind of sense to you or helped alittle. I'm not the best at putting it out there the right way all the time....progress not perfection right? lolol
Try and have a good day or night wherever you are...take care of yourself and give yourself a break....God bless...
huggs.. gi :o)
ps...keep posting , we need you here....
hello to everyone else!!!!!
I know all about self sabotage...done it so many times. I even had been doing it in sobriety. Things start to go good and then here I go and do something ususally dumb to sabotage myself...then get the thought oh well I screwed up I might as well add to it and get drunk or high. Instead though this time I pick up the phone or whatever so I don't drink. I have been told I can start my day over at any time. So thats what I do....I dont self sabotage so much anymore.
As far as money problems and insurance problems, I know them all too well. Even sober I still have them. It just gets easier to deal with them the longer I stay sober. I no longer think its the end of the world if I can't pay all of my electric bill or whatever. I just do the best that I can, that is all any of us can do. I ususally call and work out a payment plan, most of the time they are willing to work with you as long as you keep up your end. As far as insurance goes, I have gone to clinics when I had no insurance and it took alittle longer but I did get help there as well.
Even though I got sober didn't mean my financial and other problems went away. Just the way I deal with them is different. And it does get better, just hang in there. I know that while your going through it that it sucks, and when you hear someone say it gets better you might think to yourself...well it sucks for me right now , I'm glad it gets better for you but I'm just not there yet. And thats ok. When people used to tell me that I used to think...well s***...I dont care whether you got through it or not, cause right now I am and it sucks and I wish people would just leave me alone...lololol....thats ok to...but it does get better , the longer you can stay sober, I promise you that. I know it sounds cliche but it will get better. Just dont give up on yourself. You are worth it....we all are. Hope this made some kind of sense to you or helped alittle. I'm not the best at putting it out there the right way all the time....progress not perfection right? lolol
Try and have a good day or night wherever you are...take care of yourself and give yourself a break....God bless...
huggs.. gi :o)
ps...keep posting , we need you here....
hello to everyone else!!!!!
Hey Ciaobella gidday
Keep posting and it is so good to see you back on the boards
Addiction , depression etc are all drive engines in the web of my brain and to sort out the clutter i need to defrag now and then and meetings and definetly posting helps.
You are never alone and by posting you can get rid of some of the clutter in your mind and there are so many life wise people on these threads.
Light and love Zac
Keep posting and it is so good to see you back on the boards
Addiction , depression etc are all drive engines in the web of my brain and to sort out the clutter i need to defrag now and then and meetings and definetly posting helps.
You are never alone and by posting you can get rid of some of the clutter in your mind and there are so many life wise people on these threads.
Light and love Zac
Hi Ciaobella, I'm so happy you came back to this board! All of us have the right to come & go from this board as often as we need. Remember there is no judgement here. None of us want you to feel alone because we all know how awful it feels. So keep coming back. Sometimes I just read on this & some of the other boards & it's very comforting. Sometimes I post & it helps to heal by letting some of it out, sometimes it builds my security within myself. Ciaobella know one who's ever suffered with chronic depression can really understand, they don't know why we can't just snap out of it. It really is a medical condition. I don't know if your in the states or from another country. If theres an AA or Na meeting around please go to one. Reach out to somebody for help even if your afraid. Remember many of them have walked in your shoes. They could offer you some advice on what to do next. Give you a hug if you want one. Look in your phone book & call your Health Dept. explain your situation to them if they don't have answers they should be able to refer you to another agency. Your local hospital should also provide some options for you. Call the inpatient & out patient facilities many of these programs have scholarships available to those without Ins;or funds. Many church's also provide free counseling. I know that this will take some time & effort. But you have to start somewhere. Ciaobella you are worth it ! Get into action! I finally realized I couldn't do it alone anymore & nobody was going to intervene for me I had to start making the calls & it did take time. I felt frustrated, hopeless. I kept coming back to this board for support. And yes, I kept drinking every few days after all thats how I was surviving. I finally made it to Out Patient Rehab, I do have some med. Ins. But like I said there are free programs. In fact my counselor volunteers her time @ Good Samaritan Ministries & it's donation based. Ciaobella I had to start somewhere to & I'm glad I did. The counseling & rehab are really helping me alot. I've been going for 3 wks now. I've been sober for 14 days, it's a miracle & you can have it to. I don't feel as depressed it really does help. Also I'm sure you know alcohol is a depressant drug, so it makes our depression even worse. I'm not as depressed also because I'm not adding to my depression by putting a depressant drug into my body. I will keep you in my prayers! Please check in with us when you can! Love, Chris
Hi Bella....glad you are back girl! You seem to be caught up in the depression cycle. It's a bunch of bs I know but It will pass. You drink to make yourself feel better but it only makes you feel worse then you want to drink to escape again and so on and so on. Keep posting girl as I know when I drop off for long periods of time it always ends up hurting instead of helping me.
Your old Pal Valarie
Your old Pal Valarie
Thanks so much everyone for your replies. It really does help to be reminded that there are people out there who have an idea how Im feeling. Thats the hardest part of the whole thing, is feeling like theres no one in my life that gets it and no one I can just spill my guts to. I do have friends but big surprise they all have issues too and none of them seem to want to do anything about them. Im glad to have my brother there even though he doesnt understand because at least he listens and tries and knows its not a matter of just deciding to be happy like my other brother always tells me. I still havent told anyone everything, there are certain things i'm not ready to talk about yet, too ashamed. But maybe eventually i'll be able to tell someone. Anyway all my old friends here from before, i've missed you and am so glad you welcomed me back, for some reason I was so scared no one would want me back here. And to the newer people, Cookster and Chris, plus Gina who was here but i didnt really know, thank you guys too. i forgot how nice it was to have a safe place like this to come to where people support and encourage each other. And to VW and LD I hope you are doing ok wherever you are...
I did get some good news the other day - my company isnt shutting down, at least not in the near future. The insurance thing is still iffy but at least I wont have to look for a job now. Thats good becuase I really hate interviews, I get so insecure and anxious i feel sick to my stomach. hopefully the insurance will go through eventually too but at least i still get a paycheck.
I'm going to keep checking in when I can... my friend said she has a computer i can have, i just need to get it from her. Then I can get online at home again. i'm at work now so I should probably actually do some work, but i will check back when I have a chance. Wish me luck for a sober and productive weekend... I'm going to try really hard. And I wish one to all of you...
-Amy
I did get some good news the other day - my company isnt shutting down, at least not in the near future. The insurance thing is still iffy but at least I wont have to look for a job now. Thats good becuase I really hate interviews, I get so insecure and anxious i feel sick to my stomach. hopefully the insurance will go through eventually too but at least i still get a paycheck.
I'm going to keep checking in when I can... my friend said she has a computer i can have, i just need to get it from her. Then I can get online at home again. i'm at work now so I should probably actually do some work, but i will check back when I have a chance. Wish me luck for a sober and productive weekend... I'm going to try really hard. And I wish one to all of you...
-Amy
Hi Amy, So glad your job isn't going away,must be a big sigh of relief for you! Don't forget about the free,reduced help available to you. You just have to make the time to do the research. Most of us don't get better without some help! I tried for yrs, & was only fooling myself. Wishing you a safe,sober Easter!
God Bless, Chris
God Bless, Chris
