Hiya - I'm Sammy, An Addict Grateful For Recovery

From NA basic text, page 3.

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another -- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

I remember the first time I came to recovery. I had called in sick at work that day. The evening before I just had a script for Fiorinol#3 filled and being hung over, I wanted to stay home and "nurse" my headache with my headache medication. And that I did.

By noon, I had taken about 20 pills and was experiencing diplopia (double vision). The chaos and drama that I loved to create convinced me that I had a brain tumor and needed to see my neurologist.

So loaded, I got in my car and drove to his office, only to be whisked to the adjoining hospital's neurology lab for an EEG. You see, the previous year, I had experienced grand mall seizures as a result of abrupt Xanax withdrawal. However, since my drug screen had tested negative, it never occurred to me to tell the doctors about the discontinuation of the Xanax or my addiction to Benzos - such a good addict I was. Hence, diagnosis Epilepsy = legal scripts for Valium and Tranxene with refills!! So this doctor theorized that the double vision might be something to do with the epilepsy.

I was unaware, but when an EEG is done there is a particular brain wave reading that will alert the reader if the patient is under the influence of a CNS depressant. Mine must have been flat, because this neurologist questioned me as to what I had been taking. I finally confessed what I had ingested that morning and that there MIGHT be a problem with THAT particular pill. That evening, I was admitted (reluctantly) to a rehab hospital for detox and a 28 day treatment program.

The next day I realized where I was and called various family members to collect me. I couldn't believe and was incensed that I had been put on a ward, number 1, with a bunch of alcoholics and addicts; number 2, and to top it off, the door was locked preventing me from leaving on my own. After all, I hadn't loss my family, my home, my car, my job or did not look like the wretched, lost souls that had become my new acquaintances. In my mind, I just had a little problem with the Fiorinol I had taken that day and I knew that I would not take it like that again. I was different than these people that I saw there. My family members refused to come and get me so I sat and stewed for the remainder of the 28 days that I stayed there.

In retrospect, sadly, upon being discharged, I left that treatment center in the same if not more denial then when I entered. When I left, it was suggested that I not use, go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps and find a loving, nurturing Power much greater than self and pray to this Power.

Huh?

Did I really need to do this?

Because, because, because, once again, I was different. The term I believe is called terminal uniqueness and it took quite some before I came to the realization that I was as common as a blade of grass in a 50 acre field. At that time, I truly believed that I could do this on my own and didn't need a room full of addicts to tell me how to live my life.

I wanted to start the beginning of my story with anyone who is interested with this. On page 4 of the NA text under "Who is an addict" it says: "Some of us used, misused and abused drugs and still did not consider ourselves addicts. Through all of this, we kept telling ourselves, "I can handle it." Our misconceptions about the nature of addiction included visions of violence, street crime, dirty needles and jails." This certainly applied to me. My perception of an addict was the street bum, the person who had nothing materially but the clothes on their back...I soon realized that my perceptions were about to drastically change...and in that change I admitted that I am an addict, my name is sammy, and I'm grateful to be here.

After being discharged from the hospital from my first attempt of recovery, I did attend a few AA/NA meetings with another addict I had met while in treatment. But they were few and far between. I always looked for the differences instead of similarities between myself and other recovering addicts. And that difference only served to reinforce the terminal uniqueness that I thought applied to me. It kept me in my denial and the mere thought of seeking a sponsor and working the steps was out of the question - I mean who did they think they were dealing with?

Another suggestion was that I change professions. I had been employed in the medical arena for the majority of my adult life and this was the primary source of my supply. Upon being discharged from treatment, I immediately went back to work at the physicians office where I had worked declaring myself cured after all, I had been through a 28 day treatment program and I was clean! I continued to work 60-hour weeks and be a dutiful wife and raise a family - yet I was dying on the inside.

I did absolutely nothing to initiate any life style changes that had been suggested. Within a few short months, the obsession to use set in. The idea that I could take a pill began became the prominent thought in my mind.

The only problem as I perceived it was most of the physicians that I had been working with had locked up their controlled substance samples and my supply was at minimum scarce to pilfer. I am not going to go into the gory details but within six months of the time that I started using again, I was caught in my illegal activities of stealing, lying, and a sundry of not so hot behavior that came with my active addiction. So, back to rehab for me. However, in addition to having to go through detox again, this time I had a courtroom appearance to make. And you know, as serious as my consequences had become, I still treated rehab as a joke. I remember walking in there and saying, Oh, Im just here for a booster shot! There must have been something I missed the last time I came in here? For two weeks I stayed in the rehab hospital, praying that I would be out of there before I was asked to do my first step. I was so self conscious, self centered (yes my ego manifested itself in ways of being grandiose to subservient) and so afraid that no one would like me if I gave the wrong answers to my first step (like I thought I did the first go round). The sad thing was that I didnt know how to answer the questions that were posed to me by the counselors, when doing my first step. For so many years I had denied my every feeling with the use of mood-altering substances in order that I would not have to face my fears. Looking back on it, I had absolutely no clue who I was or what I really felt and yet I could not fathom the strange dichotomy of being powerless over anything. Had my life become powerless and unmanageable? You bet it had, but I rationalize with what I perceived as rational lies every situation to adapt to the needs of my ego.

Needless to say, I did not have that job waiting for me when I was discharged this time from treatment. Again, it was suggested to go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, find a loving, nurturing Power much greater than myself and change my profession. Again, I tapped danced around the periphery of the 12-step rooms and did not work any steps and again, within six months I began using.

They say that you pick up where you left off. This was so true for me. My usage this time was clouded with the deluded thinking that I had been off of pills for six months and it wouldnt hurt to take a pill now and then when I had a headache. I went to visit that same neurologist who had initially had me hospitalized for my addiction and he became so befuddled about what I had used in the past, he said to me, your problem was with Valium and the Benzos, not Fiorinolright? You can take Fiorinol? Not believing what I just heard and being in the denial I was in, of course I said right, and those Fiorinol #3s for the real bad headaches, Doc works like a charm. Like a kid with a new toy, off to the pharmacy I ran to begin another cycle of swirling in the abyss of my active addiction.

continued next post


The quantities and frequencies of which I used that drug began with as much as where I had left off six months previously. Within a two-week time span, I was living to use and used to live. I did everything so whacked out of my head from trying to take care of my family to driving a car. I was sited for numerous traffic accidents including felony hit and run and failed miserably at trying to take care of my children. I was back contacting old using friends to find any place where I could score my daily fix. It didnt matter what the drug wasyour drug was my drug. The last night I used, I took eighty Fiorinol pills within a 24-hour period. My intention was not to commit suicide, although that is what I was doing over the years, however, I was in a blackout and chasing the high.

The next morning my baby child walked into my room and could not wake me. By the grace of God, a friend stopped by my home and called 911. I dont remember going to the hospital or having my stomach pumped in the emergency department. For four days I laid in a coma in an intensive care unit. When I woke nothing made sense. I didnt know where I was or how I got there. The doctors told my family that there was absolutely no reason why I should have lived with the amount of drugs I had taken. The next day after I had wakened my family had me committed on a green sheet warrant. They were afraid I would walk out of the hospital and to have me deemed mentally incompetent was the only way they could make me stay there. I dont remember much about the sanity hearing I sat through only that I knew my way wasnt working. Intuitively I knew, the gig was up.

Something happened this time. I began to come to grips with the idea that something pretty powerful had control of my life and that it would take something even more powerful to heal me. I began attending an outpatient therapy group, going to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor and gained some responsibility regarding my recovery. Things appeared to straighten out a little in my life and I experienced moments of serenity. A few months after completing this outpatient program, my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the people in this fellowship of recovery walked with me everyday that we dealt with it. I knew he was dying and in the back of my sick mind. I could hear this voice sayingonce hes dead you can use again because you wont have anyone to be accountable too. I guess its pretty obvious how rocky our marriage had become - yes this disease affects the entire family.

After my husbands death, I found that my contact and attendance of the meetings began to slack. Someone recently posted about how amazing it is that they got clean and the same behaviors of the past kept repeating themselves. This is what happened to me. Although, by the grace of God, I wasnt using there were multiple other defects that I had not rigorously been honest with myself about. I had not practiced the principles of this program in all my affairs. If nothing changes, nothing changes. After coming into quite a bit of money from my husbands pension and life insurance, I found myself caught up in a new addiction with old behaviors and that was my newfound wealth. Additionally, I began using again - surprise, surprise, - complacency does that to me. The next thing I knew, because of my blatant disregard for my children and my self-centeredness, I was summons to court to face charges of child neglect. You could not have convinced at the time that I was neglecting my children, after all - they had everything money could buy - beautiful clothing, latest electronic games, house on the hill, best food money could buy yada, yada, yada, and I built a big time resentment on that one - yet when I used, I was not available emotionally to them and when I wasnt using I was so hung over that it was like living with a starving bear. Looking back on it, God always does for me what I cannot do for myself and I am so very grateful that he worked thru family members to take care of my children when I was unable. I eventually petitioned the Courts to give temporary custody of my children to family members, so I could get well, but I digress.

My easy newfound wealth quickly evaporated in a sea of material possessions and fast people. I soon began receiving phone calls from creditors and the mortgage company was about to call my mortgage because I was two months in arrears. I ended up selling my home and moving in with a friend of mine who was in the program of AA. I was broke, lonely, jobless; no family because I had alienated them, mentally and spiritually bankrupt and yet held on to the hope that there was a solution. In my desperation, I got down on my knees and prayed to God that I would do His will and not mine. This became my mantra - Thy will be done - Thy will be done. After a few months of reciting that mantra, He led me back to the rooms of 12-step recovery.

Its kind of odd how the very thing I fought, 12-step recovery, is the very thing that saved my life. I looked at and researched every type of recovery program that I could find, only because what 12-step had told me I needed to do I didnt want to work. Once I realized that the easier, softer, way was going to take some work on my part and that it wasnt going to be handed to me, I slowly became more willing to do it. After subscribing to the thought of instant gratification all my life, I was up against something that I needed to put the effort forth to make it work. As with all things that are worthwhile they take work. Working the steps, having this fellowship, only aided me in realizing that I mattered. I have been created in the image of my HP. How arrogant of me to tell the God of my understanding what and how I was going to be and everyday that I put the power in those pills in my mouth to relieve me of self, that is exactly what I did. My will was getting in the way of His will.

Today, I celebrate another day of sobriety. It has been seven years that I have been clean and in this program. Im happy to say that I did regain custody of my children and enjoy the love I can give and receive from my family. I have changed careers. I went back to college and graduated in December 2000. The God of my understanding has a great sense of humor! My first job in my new field was with the highest Court of the State I live in that I helped to write the judicial opinionsthe very judicial system that had deemed me mentally incompetent a few 24 hours ago.

I have experienced love in my life that I often found illusionary and dreamed about. I continue to give back daily to the still suffering addict by visiting hospital detox units, sponsoring members, and serving on a chair committee of a local community mental health substance abuse program for recovering women. Life isnt always a bowl of cherries; there are days I get the cherry pits.

Recently I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma, which resulted in having to have my right kidney removed. Since then, I have had ongoing urinary infection for the past 4 months. Ive had further diagnostic surgery for this problem and have just started another round of long term antibiotics. Instead of pills, I have come to acquire a taste for yogurt to please my body - talk about wipe out of the G. I. Tract!

However, with all that said, serenity to me is that whenever I am given the cherries or the cherry pits, I dont have to take mood altering drugs to deal with whatever Im dealt. The greatest thing I can say about today is how extremely grateful to God I am for leading me to the rooms of AA and how extremely grateful I am to AA for giving me a God to thank. There was my beginning of my spiritual awakening and it gets better and richer each and everyday. Ah yes...this recovery stufftis truly a gift!

Thanks for letting me share.

Safely in Gods care ~

Sammy

dos 07/01/98
In all the time I've known you Sammy, I've never heard you're entire story in one sitting...I am in awe.

I'm just so very grateful that with my wake up call, I got to wake up.

Thank you for sharing that.

Love
Cowgirl

PS..guess I don't get to go to dinner after all...poopie husband, lol
Your story is so scary and at the same time inspiring...

You have been through the fires of hell and lived to tell about it (more than once) I am amazed and impressed....

Englightening, and makes me think if she can accomplish all this, what might I do with some clean time under my belt!

Thanks for posting your story Sammy and best wishes for the rest of your life!
I love to hear your story. It is like I am looking at my own story. I to was different and did not need NA to help me any longer and I ended up staying clean for 2 and half years and relapsed when I moved to new orleans I will never forget a guy from my home group caling me asking me if I was ok and If I made it back he hoped I made it back alive. I thought what an idiot and I have never stolen for my drugs and I have never overdosed or gone to jail.

Well to make a long story short I saw this guy at a meeting about 6 months ago and told him I had made it back but understood what he was talking about. I had overdosed 9 times and stolen and gone to jail twice and been in and out of institutions. He was so glad to see me and was so thankful that I had made it back. I know today that the twelve step program is a god giving gift to me and I am so greatful to be here and share my experience strength and hope. I know today there are alot of us who dont even make it here muchless to NA or AA.

They have no idea what they are missing and I truly beleive it is a very powerful program and it teaches us to lean on a power greater than ourselves. I never believed in god until NA and now I have my own personal relationship with him. I know that today I am blessed to even be here and cannot began to describe my gratitude.

I hear god speaking through people every meeting I go to and that is a very spiritual program. one of my favorite quotes is religion is for those who are afraid of going to hell but spirituality is for those who have already been there. just thought I would share that with you. Your commitment to recovery only inspires me and I wish everyone could experience the gifts that a twelve step program can give you. I know I wish I could make everyone go there and give it a chance. It is addicts helping addicts and we you go in there and are so down they love you until you are able to love yourself. I am so greatful for having my family in the program and dont know what I would do without them. Sincerely,
April
Sammy, thank you for sharing. Awesome. I will go back and read it again, because there's so much that I probably missed the first time....

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Dear Sammy,

What a success story! Thanks so much for sharing. It will be an inspiration to many who feel there is no way out. I'm so glad you were able to overcome your addiction. It would have been a great catastrophe to lose such a special person. I'm so proud of you!

Love,
Susan
Wow. Thats it. Just wow.. Thanks for sharing, I have goosebumps about my entire body... How did you know thats just what I needed to read tonight? (along with 10 other people :)

with love and support

Kelly
Sammy, I do not usually post over here (I'm a recovering alcoholic/cocaine addict) but you were kind enough to post back to me when I was going through some really rough times back in October of last year. I went to a Speaker meeting tonight and heard exactly what I needed to hear and then came home and read your post. Unbelievable, miracles aren't we...you are an amazing woman. Let me repeat that, you are an amazing woman! I too, am so grateful for the Program...it does take a bit of work, but I am learning so much about myself by working the Steps, it makes life so much better, one day at a time. Thank you for performing a 12 step call on this here alcoholic and addict, and also for the countless others who will read your post as well. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us. With the utmost of respect, VWGirl
-Wow What a remarkable gift you have given to others, in the gifts of your message. Thank you.

ellie
My dear Sammy,
once again, as usual, I am in awe of you. While over the time I've known you, I've heard parts of your story, never in it's entirety.
Our stories are so different yet so the same, because we are the same. Sharon told me a long time ago that our addiction is like an elevator, it's just up to us what floor we get off on, and we all know what the ground floor is. I've heard that since, but she was the first to say it to me and it stuck in my memory.
I am so happy that you got off before the ground floor because otherwise I never would have had the awesome blessing of coming to know you.
Someone without this disease might ask how this beautiful soul, this brilliant woman with her life so together could have ever been where you've been? They could not imagine the driving force behind this disease we share or that someone like you could have ever had it, but we know that addiction doesn't discriminate.
Thank you for sharing, Sammy, it was awesome.
I will never catch up to you and that's just fine by me. I proudly walk in the footsteps of those ahead.
You are a joy to follow and a joy to know.
With love and respect always, Kat
xxxxoooo
Sammy,
Your story is a story of strength and hope for any of us suffering from the grips of alcohol and addiction.

You have been an inspiration to me. I am thankful for all your support as I have really found my point of addiction .... alcoholism. I thank you for the patience you have had in walking this through with me all these years. Smile. You helped me find my way to the right place and although I'm early in my recovery I have hope.

We have to be so willing to walk ourselves through to recovery. True recovery. You did that with many bonks on the head like most of us. My process was slow also. I'm not a drug addict, I'm an alcoholic. Starting at the age of 15 with regular use. Took me a long time to accept what is in my life.

I'm grateful for people like you and also for finding AA. i knew I had to stop but that to stop completely I needed something outside of myself because for about 25 years I could never do it alone. I am fortunate because I did not lose it all but the disease was always there. The support I have found in AA has really begun a wonderful process. Support f2f with women and men just like me.

I have pretty much stayed off this board as I have had to look other places for the kind of support I need and I find to immerse myself within it fully takes most of my time. However, I wanted to repsond to your post. To just say you are a miracle and an inspiration. I'm so glad you made your way through all the muck to be able to see your spirit here where you are now. To know you and love you.

Amy
Sammy, God knew what he was doing when he kept you here. I know it was already said, but you are truly and inspiration to me and I hope to be just like you when I grow up.
Thanks for sharing that; I needed to hear a few things in there.

Kerry
Sammy

you never cease to amaze me. You are my inspiration. I don't even know what to say. Just wanted you to know you are very loved and looked up to, and to thank you for ALWAYS being there for me...

Love ya much
Stacey


Sammy:

Wow. Excellent post. You sum up so many of the same feelings I had. Especially me thinking I am different than the other addicts. I always thought I wasn't as bad as others before I went back to AA and that I didn't need the Program. I went back with a lot of reservations and a lot of restrictions of what I would and wouldn't do. Ha! Self will at it's finest. Thank God the door of willingness was slightly ajar and I suited up and showed up because the miracle did happen. I soon realized my self will was what got me loaded. I realize now I was living a life of delusion and self denial. Thanks to people like you on this board, the rooms of AA and many wonderful sober friends who are there for me in my life I have been given a very rich life back. One beyond my wildest dreams. Sammy, you are a beautiful soul. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You definitely touched this addict today.

Peace,

Rachel
Hi Sammy,

You know, it's really cool to have a hero! Very hard to find these days, and yet here you are at our fingertips. I know you'll keep up the good fight. Please know you've given me the strenght to keep trying today as well.

Love You, Beck
Sam, everyone has said it already..great post
Sammy..........First of all God Bless you.............
i am thumper.............and your words are running through my veins right now..........amazing..............i really needed to read a tetimony like that.........
here i am doing fine for 25 days (no vicodin)......and the headaches, the pain.........
and here i am with 12 lortabs.............i got a script
i read your story over and over carefully and i am thinking twice about these pills and taking them here and there for my headaches...........i am really starting to understand that............some people just cant take pills........
i really dont know what to say............i feel stuipd..........
stupid that i got a script for 15 lortabs.and no refills..............i just didnt know what else to do to for the headaches..i have tried motrin and alleve......i work alot and i go everyday.......never mind....i need to trust God.

i love Jesus so much...............i know that the Lord willnot let me down..........
i let my self down..........
and i am going to say what you did........
thy will be done.................thy will be done............
Lord thank you for Sammy
Lord please help me ...........i am weak..........
thank you so much for sharing your story.........
God Bless you................love u.....................thumper
However, your cat avater scares me....
Sammy...I am in tears....I can relate all too well to your story with all the typical and relapse modes I also experienced. I believe in surrendering our will...my health has suffered through the years and all the pills and hospitalizations did not help...just a merry-go-round of lies you can't get off. I am so priveledged to know you and hear your words...thank you. Sharonn