Hi to everyone out there.I have been logging on as a guest for the past couple of mths.Never had the courage to post as im still in active addiction.Tried 4 times,all at home by myself.Did subutex once.What a dream that was.the rest no meds just cold turkey(twice turkey turned to chicken & i didnt get past the 1st wk) but the last time stayed clean almost a year before relapse!but then crap happened & i went on a bender which has lasted 7mths now.I cant take it anymore though.This addiction of mine has to stop today.I want to take control of my life again.Iv been saying this every day for 2wks now."this is my last time" then the next day im at it again,afterwards saying "this is my last"!!!
The crazy thing is,iv managed to fool everyone around me,nobody knows.I dont get high.I smoke just enuf h not to get sick (to the outside world im functioning normally,or maybe they dont know the difference between a clean,normally a bit crazy me & a high me,maybe i dont know the difference anymore either) then hide whats left in my undie draw.A person would think if i have that much control kicking it should be a breeze.
Anyway,iv finally decided that "THIS WAS MY LAST".Iv actually flushed what was left.(then almost took the loo apart,crying at my false courage)
Its always easy for me to say it when im not sick,then at the 1st sign of sweating im at "my man" so fast i worry more about a speeding fine than the police!
Anyway,Subutex is really expensive in my town so iv got to go it alone again.Im hoping all you wonderful people out there will hold my internet hand and be my strength,cause i know im going to start losing my own strength in a couple of hours.
Please pray for me,as where im at now is - I dont want to live but I dont want to die!
Thank you for listening.
Good luck, Zaine.
You've done it before, so stay strong and do it again.
Only this time, do yourself a favor and seek some help once you get clean so you don't ever have to go through this again.
Mark
You've done it before, so stay strong and do it again.
Only this time, do yourself a favor and seek some help once you get clean so you don't ever have to go through this again.
Mark
Hello Zaine, if your'e up to typing let us know how you are. Youve got my prayers love, you CAN do it, you WILL do it we're here for you all the way. I'm going to make you a promise right now that i'll check in on you at least twice a day, youve got my word x I don't hold hands but i'll give you a great big cyber hug anytime you need it! Good luck my new friend love kitty xx
Zaine,
How are you?
Flushed your dope? That speaks volumes. You mean business.
Hang tight. You know the drill. I truly feel for you.
BTW, you said nobody notices. I swore when I picked up a few times and didn't go into full blown nods that nobody knew. Later when I was clean they'd say "I knew something was up. I just didn't want to believe it was dope".
You can do this. DIY or D-I-E? You keep using you're more apt to D-I-E, right? Feel better.
How are you?
Flushed your dope? That speaks volumes. You mean business.
Hang tight. You know the drill. I truly feel for you.
BTW, you said nobody notices. I swore when I picked up a few times and didn't go into full blown nods that nobody knew. Later when I was clean they'd say "I knew something was up. I just didn't want to believe it was dope".
You can do this. DIY or D-I-E? You keep using you're more apt to D-I-E, right? Feel better.
Hi everyone
Im still here!Its day 5 and to say i feel like crap would be a wonderful feeling.I cant wait to feel like crap.Now,I feel like iv been hit by a train and it keeps going round the track and hitting me again.Thanks for all the words of encouragement,i havnt had the umph to type till now.Iv only just surfaced properly to do more than use the bathroom.I moved my pillow and duvet in there on the weekend.hahaha,actually many a true word said in jest,i actually did.Im going to now make full use of the bathroom facilities,apart from just the loo!im sure i smell really bad.in fact i know i do.I have noticed that heroin withdrawal has a very distinct smell,anyone else notice that or is it my imagination???
I took my annual leave to get off this rollercoaster so have 5 more days to pull myself together.I have stayed hydrated but food doesnt stay down.I dont mind that so much as the feeling of having boulders on my shoulders.Does anyone have any advice on getting any energy back?That for me is the worst.my hallway feels a mile long so i dont attempt the walk to the kitchen.I just drink water straight out the bathroom taps!Thank heavens i have an on-suite bathroom.
Well,maybe the bath will make me feel more human,and it might also give me the energy to make some toast.Any advice on that too?what might i be able to stomach now.my throat is so raw?
But to all of you who are holding my hand,I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU.it means so much to me and has also given me a bit of accountability,which has helped.
My water has run so im off to wash away the grime.
Again - THANK YOU.
Zaine
Im still here!Its day 5 and to say i feel like crap would be a wonderful feeling.I cant wait to feel like crap.Now,I feel like iv been hit by a train and it keeps going round the track and hitting me again.Thanks for all the words of encouragement,i havnt had the umph to type till now.Iv only just surfaced properly to do more than use the bathroom.I moved my pillow and duvet in there on the weekend.hahaha,actually many a true word said in jest,i actually did.Im going to now make full use of the bathroom facilities,apart from just the loo!im sure i smell really bad.in fact i know i do.I have noticed that heroin withdrawal has a very distinct smell,anyone else notice that or is it my imagination???
I took my annual leave to get off this rollercoaster so have 5 more days to pull myself together.I have stayed hydrated but food doesnt stay down.I dont mind that so much as the feeling of having boulders on my shoulders.Does anyone have any advice on getting any energy back?That for me is the worst.my hallway feels a mile long so i dont attempt the walk to the kitchen.I just drink water straight out the bathroom taps!Thank heavens i have an on-suite bathroom.
Well,maybe the bath will make me feel more human,and it might also give me the energy to make some toast.Any advice on that too?what might i be able to stomach now.my throat is so raw?
But to all of you who are holding my hand,I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU.it means so much to me and has also given me a bit of accountability,which has helped.
My water has run so im off to wash away the grime.
Again - THANK YOU.
Zaine
Bryn aint kiddin, if you flushed your dope you must mean business, Hell if mine even got wet from the rain -I went back to argue with the dealers
Id say they exchanged the wet bags about 1 time in 20yrs
ohTheDaysThatWere
jack
Id say they exchanged the wet bags about 1 time in 20yrs
ohTheDaysThatWere
jack
Zaine,
Hi m8,my names Eck..You will feel alot better after a bath m8,,why not try,n,have 2 or 3 baths a day if u have access to the hot water,n,just lay,n,soak,,will make u feel better plus it will pass some time..Zaine in the past when i,ve been sick and cant eat i normally start eating salads..I guarantee you,ll keep it down m8 just dont over do it to start with then maybe some soup,scrambled egg etc..Its actually better when someone is there makin it for you though some of us dont have that luxury anymore,,As you start keepin the food down your strength will gradually come back to you...You seem do be trying your best so good on ye buddy...
Take care..
Eck...
Hi m8,my names Eck..You will feel alot better after a bath m8,,why not try,n,have 2 or 3 baths a day if u have access to the hot water,n,just lay,n,soak,,will make u feel better plus it will pass some time..Zaine in the past when i,ve been sick and cant eat i normally start eating salads..I guarantee you,ll keep it down m8 just dont over do it to start with then maybe some soup,scrambled egg etc..Its actually better when someone is there makin it for you though some of us dont have that luxury anymore,,As you start keepin the food down your strength will gradually come back to you...You seem do be trying your best so good on ye buddy...
Take care..
Eck...
I know exactly what you mean about the smell of clucking & it's pretty rank & distinctive!! Not sure why the sweats smell stronger than normal - it can only be all the s*** coming out of the system! just one of the many horrible things about starting to withdraw. i'm super impressed with you sticking to your plan. i know i've wasted countless holiday days from work by taking them off to do a cluck then ended up using more than normal as "today really will be my last day". i've not tried that one for a good few years as i got tired of wasting my holiday & failing. however, been seriously thinking about trying again recently as i just can't bear the thought that it's almost another christmas & it's almost another year still on it. so i truly hope you do it for you, & i hope you become another of those who fights & wins, because it always makes it seem that little bit more possible to the rest of us!! keep updating & keep pushing on through. you're doing an amazing thing!!!
Hey there zaine,iv'e been checking in on you lots in the last few days, your'e doing really well, that odd smell thing i thought that only happened to me lol. I put it down to the constant cold sweats and the fact that it was damn near impossible to crawl out of bed. Eckie's right about good warm baths, it sounds silly but it works i was in labour a loooooong time with my daughter and next to my epidural and c-section it was the only thing that eased me! as much fluid as you can ingest, the whole vitamins and amino acids i would recommend trying to get at least vitamin c. Another thing that makes you feel instantly better albiet just for a litte while is er................ Please excuse the heat your experiencing, its from the red cheeks i have suggesting this, and i know it works lol. I take it your a guy sorry if i'm wrong, not that it matters it works anyway. I dont know if youre single or have a partner, and i also understand you'll be cream crackered but its worth the effort. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS SO I'LL JUST SAY IT! KNOCK A COUPLE OUT OR HAVE A BIT OF SLAP N TICKLE LOL! It releases lots of seratonin and other natural HAPPY HORMONES your brain's craving right now. Its worth a shot eh? lol keep it up (no pun intended) your'e doing well love kitty x
Hi Zaine, I'm Reshie.
I know just what you mean. Living that double life. Pretending to everyone in your family and all the "straights" (I'm sorry;I don't like the word either) that you're just like them. Never getting 'high' any longer;that ship has long since sailed. Reduced to taking risks dangers just to get 'normal'. Note I didn't write "feel" normal.You actually don't feel anything like real happiness or a sense of achievement or even love. Your thoughts,life,actions,relationships are dominated by just the one thing: heroin.
You are never happy because no matter how much good you do, how many people you help, how kind you are, in your heart of hearts you know that you are lying to every one of them. I became morose and withdrawn; I would put on my " normal, happy face " whenever I had to deal with the real world but as time goes on, it wears you down. It becomes more and more difficult as the strain of leading two lives just proves to be too much hassle so,in my case, I started to avoid family and friends and gravitated towards users. I never trusted a single one of them as they would've stole off me (and did, countless times) but at least I knew what they were and vice versa. There was no need for any pretence. I didn't have to think up excuses if I had watery eyes, runny nose, aching limbs and back and restless limbs. They knew. They understood. They would never judge. They would never ask questions. They became friends by default.
Eventually I just hated myself. The self-loathing reached epic proportions and it showed. I would wear the same clothes for days, I rarely looked in a mirror. My outside appearance began more and more to reflect my feelings inside. I looked terrible and felt equally awful. I lived on autopilot.
Wake,
door,
raise,
score,
haste,
more
and more,
and wake
on a floor.
It is an exsistence not a life. All of life's issues are distilled and reduced to getting and taking this drug. It destroyed me. It made everything hollow and meaningless including people. I lost everything. I ended up shackled to this drug; it became a prison cell for my mind. It became my wife,mistress,best friend and worst enemy. I couldn't live with it nor could I live without it. The ultimate catch-22. I was quite literally in hell.
I don't know what is going to happen to me in the days I have remaining but one thing I do know; even if I manage to carry on where I started last October and never go back to that hellish exsistence, I will always be a junkie,one temptation away from getting back on that merry-go-round circus of an exsistence. Which is why I am here.
Here, I am surrounded by people towards whom I am afforded the luxury of honesty. I can be myself, pour out my woes (to a point;there are limits to peoples' patience), be honest, be me; all my idiosyncrasies, failings, mistakes etc.... I get opinions, I am often chided and deservedly so (maybe not always), I find the voices of reason and of wisdom but most of all, I find the solace of belonging. To know:" I am not alone." and you know Zaine, that is a powerful shield against this weapon of mass destruction that is killing people and tearing families apart. I hope you find your way to stay the course. To stay clean. To stop having an exsistence and trade up for a life.
I hope you get to feel once again
R>
I know just what you mean. Living that double life. Pretending to everyone in your family and all the "straights" (I'm sorry;I don't like the word either) that you're just like them. Never getting 'high' any longer;that ship has long since sailed. Reduced to taking risks dangers just to get 'normal'. Note I didn't write "feel" normal.You actually don't feel anything like real happiness or a sense of achievement or even love. Your thoughts,life,actions,relationships are dominated by just the one thing: heroin.
You are never happy because no matter how much good you do, how many people you help, how kind you are, in your heart of hearts you know that you are lying to every one of them. I became morose and withdrawn; I would put on my " normal, happy face " whenever I had to deal with the real world but as time goes on, it wears you down. It becomes more and more difficult as the strain of leading two lives just proves to be too much hassle so,in my case, I started to avoid family and friends and gravitated towards users. I never trusted a single one of them as they would've stole off me (and did, countless times) but at least I knew what they were and vice versa. There was no need for any pretence. I didn't have to think up excuses if I had watery eyes, runny nose, aching limbs and back and restless limbs. They knew. They understood. They would never judge. They would never ask questions. They became friends by default.
Eventually I just hated myself. The self-loathing reached epic proportions and it showed. I would wear the same clothes for days, I rarely looked in a mirror. My outside appearance began more and more to reflect my feelings inside. I looked terrible and felt equally awful. I lived on autopilot.
Wake,
door,
raise,
score,
haste,
more
and more,
and wake
on a floor.
It is an exsistence not a life. All of life's issues are distilled and reduced to getting and taking this drug. It destroyed me. It made everything hollow and meaningless including people. I lost everything. I ended up shackled to this drug; it became a prison cell for my mind. It became my wife,mistress,best friend and worst enemy. I couldn't live with it nor could I live without it. The ultimate catch-22. I was quite literally in hell.
I don't know what is going to happen to me in the days I have remaining but one thing I do know; even if I manage to carry on where I started last October and never go back to that hellish exsistence, I will always be a junkie,one temptation away from getting back on that merry-go-round circus of an exsistence. Which is why I am here.
Here, I am surrounded by people towards whom I am afforded the luxury of honesty. I can be myself, pour out my woes (to a point;there are limits to peoples' patience), be honest, be me; all my idiosyncrasies, failings, mistakes etc.... I get opinions, I am often chided and deservedly so (maybe not always), I find the voices of reason and of wisdom but most of all, I find the solace of belonging. To know:" I am not alone." and you know Zaine, that is a powerful shield against this weapon of mass destruction that is killing people and tearing families apart. I hope you find your way to stay the course. To stay clean. To stop having an exsistence and trade up for a life.
I hope you get to feel once again
R>
kitt sez
HAVE A BIT OF SLAP N TICKLE
gotta love those Scots, the saying over there are too much- lol
jack
(I think Im cream crackered kitt- -do I need a bit of the ol slap and tickle too??)
-------I dont even know what the fukc Im saying here but its sounds sooo funny-------
and resh-
I dont know how old you are - but Im moving into my mid 50.s- -Live and learn my friend. You will be surprized how you thought- 20 yrs from now - - I cant believe ,that just by living and learning every day how much wiser and tolerlant I got without even trying- it just happens*
Patience buddy- you,ll be fine- -
heathly thoughts and good karma,
jack
HAVE A BIT OF SLAP N TICKLE
gotta love those Scots, the saying over there are too much- lol
jack
(I think Im cream crackered kitt- -do I need a bit of the ol slap and tickle too??)
-------I dont even know what the fukc Im saying here but its sounds sooo funny-------
and resh-
I dont know how old you are - but Im moving into my mid 50.s- -Live and learn my friend. You will be surprized how you thought- 20 yrs from now - - I cant believe ,that just by living and learning every day how much wiser and tolerlant I got without even trying- it just happens*
Patience buddy- you,ll be fine- -
heathly thoughts and good karma,
jack
Friggin in the Riggin coz theres fcuk all else to do...Absolute beauty Kitty,,if nowt else you,ve made my day....Talk about honest....You have it in abundance...What a scream,n,heres me feeling guilty..The heat is probably OUR cheeks...
You know posts like that and others that have been made by yerself and others make it worthwhile tuning in to this site when possible,its not allways doom,n,gloom we can laugh at ouselves once in a while too...U listening Reshie??n,
Seriously,a chuckle a day keeps the Reaper away,n,well done Kat,Jack,n,all you others who put help put a smile on our faces...Respect...
ECK...
yeah I hear u Eckie; loud & clear.
Sorry but I'll try turning my hand at the odd joke every now and then. I just saw a guy fighting for his life and his sanity and I didn't see anything to laugh about.
But maybe that's just me.
I'm doing the best I know in helping myself and others. If I have missed the point of this site, please someone point it out to me and I'll graciously F off.
Mum and more? KK? Jack? Bryn? Just say the word and I'm gone.
Sorry but I'll try turning my hand at the odd joke every now and then. I just saw a guy fighting for his life and his sanity and I didn't see anything to laugh about.
But maybe that's just me.
I'm doing the best I know in helping myself and others. If I have missed the point of this site, please someone point it out to me and I'll graciously F off.
Mum and more? KK? Jack? Bryn? Just say the word and I'm gone.
GO ZAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS ON DAY WELL ALMOST SIX!!!!!!!!!!
Ya put your couch in your bathroom? That's classic. You can't make that chit up. Hey, it makes sense.
You're doing really well, Zaine. Maybe force yourself to get in the bath or shower? Hot. Man, I can remember that feeling like it was yesterday. The scratch of the towel against your skin. The smell still lingers. Your da*n hair even hurts to dry it with a towel or your hand. Feels like ya climbed a mountain but ya know that can really help.
Keeping the food down? I got nothing. The boulders on your shoulder? Nothing there either. My big tip was always to get wedged in between something. Like cacoon yourself. You do need to get some nourishment into you though. Do you have a trusted person to go to the store for you? Get some maybe ice pops or that stuff they give babies. Oh or baby food and crackers.
We feel for ya and have been there. I'll say a prayer to Saint Clara tonight you get through this with less pain.
Zaine ya know the smell? I used to look at it as a good thing. Like "Hey, it's leaving my body. I can even smell it go". For energy maybe the hallway walk? Little pep in your step for a few hallway walks? Oh DANCE! Seriously.
Does anyone know or had the REAL KICK? Like the end of the withdrawls where no lie it's like your posessed by a demon or something? You just want to shake it out of ya? That part is when I used to dance. Sick dance, but dance all the same.
O.K. Slap&Tickle? Girlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll if my man who let me kick at his place even touched me I'd freak. Slap&Tickle your dang self. Meaning I got with myself and could care less what he did. Pretty sad after I robbed him so many times. Lord knows only a person loves ya would just let ya stink up their bedroom. Let you sleep in their bed when they took the couch. Better yet NOT SLEEP and turn their lights on and turn on their TV and cry at commercials.
Zaine, yeah Slap&Tickle yourself. Only Kitte.
Hang in there Zaine. You can do this. Like Jack said that was powerful you did that flushing.Don't look back. Ya got another four days off so that's cool.
Couch in the bathroom beats being chained to the toilet tank like a bear in the circus.
Much respect for ya Zaine. You want this. You can do it.
Ya put your couch in your bathroom? That's classic. You can't make that chit up. Hey, it makes sense.
You're doing really well, Zaine. Maybe force yourself to get in the bath or shower? Hot. Man, I can remember that feeling like it was yesterday. The scratch of the towel against your skin. The smell still lingers. Your da*n hair even hurts to dry it with a towel or your hand. Feels like ya climbed a mountain but ya know that can really help.
Keeping the food down? I got nothing. The boulders on your shoulder? Nothing there either. My big tip was always to get wedged in between something. Like cacoon yourself. You do need to get some nourishment into you though. Do you have a trusted person to go to the store for you? Get some maybe ice pops or that stuff they give babies. Oh or baby food and crackers.
We feel for ya and have been there. I'll say a prayer to Saint Clara tonight you get through this with less pain.
Zaine ya know the smell? I used to look at it as a good thing. Like "Hey, it's leaving my body. I can even smell it go". For energy maybe the hallway walk? Little pep in your step for a few hallway walks? Oh DANCE! Seriously.
Does anyone know or had the REAL KICK? Like the end of the withdrawls where no lie it's like your posessed by a demon or something? You just want to shake it out of ya? That part is when I used to dance. Sick dance, but dance all the same.
O.K. Slap&Tickle? Girlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll if my man who let me kick at his place even touched me I'd freak. Slap&Tickle your dang self. Meaning I got with myself and could care less what he did. Pretty sad after I robbed him so many times. Lord knows only a person loves ya would just let ya stink up their bedroom. Let you sleep in their bed when they took the couch. Better yet NOT SLEEP and turn their lights on and turn on their TV and cry at commercials.
Zaine, yeah Slap&Tickle yourself. Only Kitte.
Hang in there Zaine. You can do this. Like Jack said that was powerful you did that flushing.Don't look back. Ya got another four days off so that's cool.
Couch in the bathroom beats being chained to the toilet tank like a bear in the circus.
Much respect for ya Zaine. You want this. You can do it.
Hi all.
Day 7.You guys are all classic.Kitt- your a star sweetie!!!! I will be as honest as you and say that the first place im going when i leave the sanctity of my apartment is the e.r. (im gonna need to have my wrist put in a sling).again,many a true word said.....
The advice has been fantastic.Salads actually work and stay down,altho i wont become a vegan just yet,but they stay.Nobody to go to the store for me but we have a food delivery service in johannesburg,u ring and they bring,so that has helped.My partner is in europe visiting the family,which is another reason i decided to do this now,it would have been hard to lie my way thru this one.The smell is starting to fade,or maybe im just getting used to it.Iv moved back into my bedroom,so i think im alot closer to feeling like crap.Cant wait for it.
Insomnia sucks.its not that i mind not sleeping so much as that i mind spending so much time with myself and my thoughts.Does that make sense????
Again to you all.Tremendous thanks.You are all amazing people,even you reshie,i think your just in a dark place right now,but youll find peace.
Kitt- you have a wonderful day girl,dont do anything i wouldnt (or rather cant wait to)
I think after hearing from all you guys,im going to be okay.
Day 7.You guys are all classic.Kitt- your a star sweetie!!!! I will be as honest as you and say that the first place im going when i leave the sanctity of my apartment is the e.r. (im gonna need to have my wrist put in a sling).again,many a true word said.....
The advice has been fantastic.Salads actually work and stay down,altho i wont become a vegan just yet,but they stay.Nobody to go to the store for me but we have a food delivery service in johannesburg,u ring and they bring,so that has helped.My partner is in europe visiting the family,which is another reason i decided to do this now,it would have been hard to lie my way thru this one.The smell is starting to fade,or maybe im just getting used to it.Iv moved back into my bedroom,so i think im alot closer to feeling like crap.Cant wait for it.
Insomnia sucks.its not that i mind not sleeping so much as that i mind spending so much time with myself and my thoughts.Does that make sense????
Again to you all.Tremendous thanks.You are all amazing people,even you reshie,i think your just in a dark place right now,but youll find peace.
Kitt- you have a wonderful day girl,dont do anything i wouldnt (or rather cant wait to)
I think after hearing from all you guys,im going to be okay.
You are doing well Zaine. Stay strong :)
Good on ye Zaine,,
Yer doing great m8,,didnt realise you were in S.Africa,,saw a bit of it on tv and it was one scary place m8,think it was the worlds most dangerous city,s and of them all that looked the worst..
Again m8,keep on truckin,yer doing great..
Eck
Yer doing great m8,,didnt realise you were in S.Africa,,saw a bit of it on tv and it was one scary place m8,think it was the worlds most dangerous city,s and of them all that looked the worst..
Again m8,keep on truckin,yer doing great..
Eck
Hi Zaine,
The insomnia is what got my girl the worst, but once the sleep comes it is so precious, you can't understand why you ever took it for granted.
You've got some great peeps rooting for you here and you're doing great...stay strong, you're coming into the light...see it...reach for it...remember who you really are...1 part addict, 99 parts wonderful...
Peace ~ MomNMore
The insomnia is what got my girl the worst, but once the sleep comes it is so precious, you can't understand why you ever took it for granted.
You've got some great peeps rooting for you here and you're doing great...stay strong, you're coming into the light...see it...reach for it...remember who you really are...1 part addict, 99 parts wonderful...
Peace ~ MomNMore
GO ZAINE!
Too funny with the wrist. Ya need a sling.
Insomnia like M&M's girl that's what always did me in as well. It's like you're in a movie only watching yourself. Then ya think "Well a human being can't stay awake for twelve days straight, right?" Then ya do and you're so mad and nutted out.
You're coming out the other side. Doing real good. Stay tough.
Hey, Zaine you may start a new trend in the line of furniture in bathrooms.
Indeed that Kitte Katt chica is the best.
Too funny with the wrist. Ya need a sling.
Insomnia like M&M's girl that's what always did me in as well. It's like you're in a movie only watching yourself. Then ya think "Well a human being can't stay awake for twelve days straight, right?" Then ya do and you're so mad and nutted out.
You're coming out the other side. Doing real good. Stay tough.
Hey, Zaine you may start a new trend in the line of furniture in bathrooms.
Indeed that Kitte Katt chica is the best.
Good luck........stay strong..........
