I am quite desperate. My son used to be affectionate, responsible, helpful- and an exceptionally good student. Unfortunately, this year, his friendship group has changed, and whereas his friends were always at our house, his new friends are more than a little elusive. He used to go to gym, and swim and exercise regularly, but now seldom does. healthy food seems to hold little appeal.As his appearance has become grubbier and grubbier, his behaviour more and more abrupt and non communicative, and his school performance almost non existent, I took to doing the unforgivable, and searched his cupboards in his absence- and found several bongs, papers, and a small bag of marijuana. To make matters worse, I also found a recently begun diary which includes pages of expressions of self loathing, mention of cutting himself, and contemplations on how many people would notice if he was dead. As I found all of this in a way I really shouldn't have, I can't confront him with it. His father is teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown at present, so I can't confide in him either. The guidance councillor at his school is a good deal less than helpful, and I just don't know what to do.
Hi there!
I was reading your post and although i dont have any kids of my own, as i still think im far to young for kids (im only in early 20's) - so i am not going to tell you how or what you should be doing, except i wanted to ask you a question...
Firstly, i wanted to say that i am sorry for your pain, hurt and desperation - i am aware of those feelings and know that they are difficult to deal with - but hang in there!!
You said your son was affectionate..in your post, and your husband is having a nervous breakdown? Why do you feel that you cannot confront him?? That affectionate side of him is hiding and is being supressed and forgotten at the moment, but its still there and at the end of the day, he is still your son. I think (my opinion) that maybe you should try and confront him. I remember that was the only way i told my mother about my drug habits, was because every single day she would just casually pass comments and ask how i was doing and that i was worried. She also told me every day that she loved me and if there was anything wrong i could speak to her. I brushed it off as nothing, but deep down i knew she knew and i started feeling bad and desperate to quit. And when i told her, she smiled and said she knew. Mothers - (and this is something i will always believe) have a very close connection with their children and will always know when something isnt right. Try and speak to him, or at least tell him you love him. He might be hurting inside or angry, but if he know that his family is there, im sure he will open up??
Is your husband have a nervous breakdown because of your son? If so then, i think you two need to confront each other and the situation. By ignoring a problem will not make it worse!! You are in together and need to tackle all problems (especially when it comes to your children) together.
Once again, i am sorry for what you are going through, but talk to your family, or even go see a family shrink??
Take Care
Hugs
Cyndi
I was reading your post and although i dont have any kids of my own, as i still think im far to young for kids (im only in early 20's) - so i am not going to tell you how or what you should be doing, except i wanted to ask you a question...
Firstly, i wanted to say that i am sorry for your pain, hurt and desperation - i am aware of those feelings and know that they are difficult to deal with - but hang in there!!
You said your son was affectionate..in your post, and your husband is having a nervous breakdown? Why do you feel that you cannot confront him?? That affectionate side of him is hiding and is being supressed and forgotten at the moment, but its still there and at the end of the day, he is still your son. I think (my opinion) that maybe you should try and confront him. I remember that was the only way i told my mother about my drug habits, was because every single day she would just casually pass comments and ask how i was doing and that i was worried. She also told me every day that she loved me and if there was anything wrong i could speak to her. I brushed it off as nothing, but deep down i knew she knew and i started feeling bad and desperate to quit. And when i told her, she smiled and said she knew. Mothers - (and this is something i will always believe) have a very close connection with their children and will always know when something isnt right. Try and speak to him, or at least tell him you love him. He might be hurting inside or angry, but if he know that his family is there, im sure he will open up??
Is your husband have a nervous breakdown because of your son? If so then, i think you two need to confront each other and the situation. By ignoring a problem will not make it worse!! You are in together and need to tackle all problems (especially when it comes to your children) together.
Once again, i am sorry for what you are going through, but talk to your family, or even go see a family shrink??
Take Care
Hugs
Cyndi
My heart goes out to you. It is so terrible to watch a child fall into this kind of behavior. I have a nephew who is also going through this, and I have to stand by while his parents struggle with these issues each day. It is an extremely fine line that must be walked.
I wish I had some wise advise as to concrete action you can take to save your son, but I do not. I will submit to you that his current behavior is not deserving of your trust, and I can promise you that it is unlikely that he will pull out of this on his own if you ignore the problem. Unfortunately, issues regarding drugs rarely improve when left unattended.
It is damning situation, since you know the problem will only worsen if left unattended, and if confronted, you can expect a lot of manipulative hysteronics: how dare you search my room? don't you trust me? no wonder I am behaving as I do. If you feed into this manipulative nonsense, you are in essence enabling your son's drug use.
My main focus is working with addicts who have come around to acknowleging they have a problem, and for all addicts, that is a central issue. Until someone acknowleges that they have a problem, there is little that can be done to help them.
I would urge you to take some steps to learn more about what you are dealing with. Al anon and Nar anon are excellent places to start. The people in those meetings have been there, and they can offer insights that are beyond me. Key to the process is not enabling your son's behavior through denial or tacit acceptance. The sooner he can learn that his actions have adverse consequences for which he must be held accountable, the sooner he may begin to recognize what the pot (and perhaps other drugs) is doing to him.
In light of some of the other family issues you are experiencing, it leads me to wonder whether your son is acting out in response to larger family issues. You might also consider some family counseling.
Officer Chris? Silent Partner? You guys feel free to chime in here--I am always out of my depth when it come to addressing family members of drug abusers so please jump in there if you can.
Good luck. Let us know how it is going.
August
I wish I had some wise advise as to concrete action you can take to save your son, but I do not. I will submit to you that his current behavior is not deserving of your trust, and I can promise you that it is unlikely that he will pull out of this on his own if you ignore the problem. Unfortunately, issues regarding drugs rarely improve when left unattended.
It is damning situation, since you know the problem will only worsen if left unattended, and if confronted, you can expect a lot of manipulative hysteronics: how dare you search my room? don't you trust me? no wonder I am behaving as I do. If you feed into this manipulative nonsense, you are in essence enabling your son's drug use.
My main focus is working with addicts who have come around to acknowleging they have a problem, and for all addicts, that is a central issue. Until someone acknowleges that they have a problem, there is little that can be done to help them.
I would urge you to take some steps to learn more about what you are dealing with. Al anon and Nar anon are excellent places to start. The people in those meetings have been there, and they can offer insights that are beyond me. Key to the process is not enabling your son's behavior through denial or tacit acceptance. The sooner he can learn that his actions have adverse consequences for which he must be held accountable, the sooner he may begin to recognize what the pot (and perhaps other drugs) is doing to him.
In light of some of the other family issues you are experiencing, it leads me to wonder whether your son is acting out in response to larger family issues. You might also consider some family counseling.
Officer Chris? Silent Partner? You guys feel free to chime in here--I am always out of my depth when it come to addressing family members of drug abusers so please jump in there if you can.
Good luck. Let us know how it is going.
August
My son began smoking marijuana when he was a senior in high school. He came home one night and I immediately knew he was stoned. I was mad of course, but then he said " I could be doing worse than pot". I figured he could be right, if he could do it responsibly. Boy, I wish I could take that moment in my life back. marijuana is a gateway drug, it opens up other opportunities to try harder drugs. And that is exactly what happened. He has been suspended from college(duringhis second year) he has no job, no vehicle and refuses to move back home if I forbid his habits. I too am lost as what to do, but mom to mom, try to stop this before it turns for the worse. I will pray for you and your family, but stand tall, I wish that I had.
Stephanie
Stephanie
