Hello. I.m Nel
I have been fre of pot for 5 days now. It hasnt been as bad as i thought it would. I have a problum with anger. I was sexually abused and physicaly as well as mentally. My stepdad was very abusive to me and my mom. He beat her, shot her and really destroyed her. My mom died of a heart attack at 46 years old. I at that time was 16. And I had a son who was 3 months old when she died. My self and my son went to live with mt grandparents and brother. My grandparents raised my brother. They didnt wont me, So my mom raised me. they knew that my stepdad beat my mom, they told me to kill him. They told me that it was my job to protect my mom, I was 10 then. So I just let my stepdad have sex with me , becouse I saw that it made things better for my mom. When she died I was there at home with her. She went so fast. I go to live with grandparents, they wouldnt let me crie or greave for my mom. My grandfather who was my heart told me that I killed my mom. All they wonted was to take my son from me. You see in my family boys are to be worshiped. Girls are for slaves. I tried to kill my brother, I had had enough of his abuse,and the family treating him like gold. I thank god didnt succed. I started usind pot and doing BI62. I have been depressed and fat all my life and that kept me feeling happy not to mention the waight lose. I moved into my own place at 16. I tried to stay away from my family. but my granparents and auntie were getting old, and they had my son so i moved back. my auntie died 6months after my mom, my grand moter 1yre after mom, my grandfather a yr after her. So know im really alone. with my son. whoy is mentally handicapped. My grandfather left everything to my son, so that when he turned 18 he would come into some money and a home so that he would have to wont for anythig. Mt dear brother spent every dime of my sons inherratence. And to this day to lives in My sons home. I never fought for these things. I just trusted God to provide for our needs. My brother has let the house go to s***. My son and I at one time was homliss. we had 3 houses and my brother wouldnt let us stay in any. But over the years hes stayed with me. He is asick, spoiled, selfish basterd that he has all ways been all his life. I hate him, but i wont turn him away like he did me. I have so much anger inside. it comes out on my kids. I smoke pot to cop with all these feelings. I have had counseling. but I cant tell them the truth about me. For fear they will take my kids. Im not like I was, I am a lot better. I dont touch my kids in anger. I try to controll my anger but I sometimes cant. I dont know what a real mother is like are if im doing this right. But I do try. My son know one will help me with him. So it gets hard to be with him every day. He cant sit down he eats everythig from food to none food items. I have to watch him 24hrs a day. My daghter is a very help full child. she is so detrermind to set and achive the goals that she sets for her self. she has dyslexia. But she dont let that stop her. My son is so smart, he s loving and has a smile that would melt the grenches heart. I look at My Blessings and I dont know hwo the turned out so good, considering who there mom is. My son Graduated high school last year and my dauhghter is winning singing compations.I had to stop the pot for these reasons. it kept me isolated from my self and my kids. it tokk controll of me. I smoked crack untill I saw that it was going to cost me the two most importene people in my life, and my life. so the same thing for pot. I have held this in for 23yrs. And I have made up my mind that Not the past nore the drugs will no longer have a hold on me. I hope that my letter, or my rantings will in some way help someone. If only to see that after all these things I and my children are still here. Its hard to live when every part of you being says lets just die. But yet agin I rise. I rise for my kids, I rise for eveyperson who has been abused, I returning to school. afetr it all over I hope to be a counseler. But until then one day at a time. Thanks
Dear Nel
I read your thread and you have endured much throughout your life.I wish you strength and much compassion. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor specializing in the areas you have described.Pot seems to be the least of your problems but should also be worked on .
Best of Luck
I read your thread and you have endured much throughout your life.I wish you strength and much compassion. Have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor specializing in the areas you have described.Pot seems to be the least of your problems but should also be worked on .
Best of Luck
God is watching you.
God has a plan for you.
God will help you.
God has a plan for you.
God will help you.
