I am new here-trying to find help anywhere I can. My 29 year old daughter has been using drugs for the past 10 years. I knew about the pot smoking, but only recently found out how serious a problem she has. She was rushed to the ED twice last month for heroin overdose. She did one 7 day detox program, but says she can do it on her own and won't go to rehab. She currently lives with her father and me. I know she is using something despite being on probation with drug testing. I know that you all can imagine the confrontations, suspicions, lies and all the insanity that goes along with loving an addict. I know I have to stop enabling, but cannot find it in my heart to kick her to the street with no car (she wrecked hers) no money and no place to live. Suggestions?
Dear Insanity, My son also 29 is a herion addict of at least ten years...I will spare you all the details...Right now by allowing her to stay there you are allowing her to be all comfy in her bed feeding her, and the truth is I have said this numerous times the inmate is running the asulym. ...soon she will be stealing jewelry to pawn begging you for money lying ...truth is she's going to use whether she is there or not. She has proven that to you already...she is not capable of being clean or doing it on her own or she would've done it already. ..so the truth is she continues to use and you are excepting it cause you figure at least your there...or are you....You can no longer enjoy your own home your afraid to say anything because of confronting her and the reaction...so everyone tip toes around the truth...You have options though you said she's on probation are they drug testing her...Although some addicts are smart and will bring clean urine in....but is she leaving evidence of drug usage...get the probation officer involved ...The other option is to tell her you will not allow her to continue this in your home...If she has medical insurance get her back into rehab...usually you are given at least 21 calender days a year...otherwise there get state insurance and usually they will provide a 30 day rehab, after that a halfway house...but by allowing her to stay there it will not stop her from using ..You are enabling it....she will use you abuse you steal from you ...don't make decisions with your heart that's how they beat you.
.be strong be firm.
.be strong be firm.
Dear insanity, one other thought ..You mentioned she over dosed twice last month. .are you can have her baker acted ...As she is a hazard to her own health they will put her in the hospital hold for 72 hours you get power of attorney over her her finances medical decisions. ..As she is 29 that is the only way you will have a say in her care.Then you have access to the fact she over dosed twice and demand a rehab...
Good morning insanity-my son is 29 and about to do 2 yrs on a probation violation- I have found the best way to recover from enabling is to get support! If you hear yourself/others you will see clearly what you need to. Set limits and keep them. There are shelters/sober houses. Really at this point she is an adult. Let her go -it is hard!! But you really don't have your little girl there any way, right. Kick that addict out so that she can find her own way.
Read "let me fall all by myself". I keep it in my purse.
Read "let me fall all by myself". I keep it in my purse.
To Christophers mom and Notagain- Thank you so much for taking the time to share your insights. I plan to attend the only support group in my town on Tuesday evening. I have been in denial too long, thinking that my smart, beautiful daughter once so full of life and happiness is still in ther there somewhere. I need help facing the harsh reality that is my life so that I can do what I must for survival.
Dear Insanity, By going to the meeting you are taking your first step ...When you go there pay attention and try and absorb all you hear.Its hard to believe our children are addicts but the truth is they are...we need to accept that in order to implement what we must do ...we have to realize that their desire is to get high .You need to educate yourself on addiction .Safe guard your valuables, your finances , credit cards. ...If something doesn't seem right don't just ignore it.The addict has a way of using your love and heart against you...The addict has the face of your child...but the truth is its not your child there at the moment.The drug drives them.i am here for you ...
Just an update. My daughter was taken to jail Oct 29th. She was using heroin again and got caught. Her probation officer called me because my daughter swore she was doing really well until the relapse the night before. The officer said I could come get her and take her to the hospital for detox if that were true or they could take her to jail right then. I hesitated, but knew in my heart she had been using for a while, so I said to take her to jail. It was horrible! My daughter was crying and begging me to save her in the background. I didn't. She called last night crying still and begging me to get her out. She is freezing-has no socks,personal care items, nothing. She said she doesn't deserve this since she is not like "those" people. She has never stolen or hurt anyone (according to her). I have heard so many stories of prison being too easy...work-out rooms,computers, opportunities to continue education. I didn't realise they were not even given socks. My daughter has Raynaud's and her toes swell up and get purple and painful when cold. I know this is wordy, but all the mothers say how great they felt when their addicts were in jail. I did not sleep and feel horrible! Thanks for listening
Dear Insanity,My son is currently in prison...As per your letter you said us other Mothers feel great our kids are in jail...Seriously are you kidding...no insanity great is not even in the equation. ..my heart hurts...I am deeply saddened that my beautiful handsome talented son has been infected with drugs..I have had ten years filled with herion cocaine arrests rehabs I could go on...it is a life I wish on no one ...I pray daily for strength..I have fought insurance companies begging them to give my Chris more time in the rehabs...I slept in front of his bedroom door so he couldn't sneak past me and get out to get drugs...Don't you dare even think for one second think I feel great....what do I feel. .I sit here in my chair a half hour ago my son Chris called me from prison...I ask if he's ok...I hear a glimpse of my son when at the end of a two minute talk he tells me I love you Mom...I tell him I love him...I beg him be safe..he is in maximum security..his cell mate accused of murder. ..He was transferred to maximum because him and another inmate got into a fight..He said he had to defend himself...back to my thoughts as I sit in my chair...I know at the minute my son isn't sticking a syringe in his arm I once caressed with baby lotion...I know the hand I once held onto so tightly so he wouldn't wander isn't holding a bag of herion in it...I know his future will be a challange because of his arrests...grandchildren I can't even imagine cause he can't even take care of himself....I sit here in my chair I can't allow myself to think he is in jail with steel bars limiting his movement....I can't believe he is in jail and as a country we offer no rehab or counseling to these inmates...the madness will continue...do I feel great no..I don't recall what it is to feel great....I am tired at the moment I miss my son,I am living pay check to pay check because I have gone through so much money for rehabs and such....I ask God to please watch over my son...God may he be stopped and be uncomfortable long enough to realize what he has lost...God allow him time to think ...give him strength to end the journey of drugs and start to recover ....God please I beg you please bring an end to all this I beg you...no insanity I do not feel great.
Dear Christopher's Mom- Forgive me. Of course non of us feel great. It seemed that jail brought some sort of relief to others and it doesn't to me. The loss of a child is too painful to endure. Thank you for sharing and caring
Dear Insanity there is no reason to apologize we are family that have bonded ..we are all here desperate to stop the addictions that have infected our children ourselves our homes our lives... the only relief I feel is knowing at the moment my son isn't able to inject those horrible drugs in his veins...I pray that maybe on this day as its another day he hasn't been able to use maybe Chris will stand still long enough to want to put a period to all this...Mom I can't allow myself to wonder if he's cold he's hungry ..what I need to say is maybe if he is uncomfortable enough he will turn his ship and sail in a new direction...Big hug to you Mom it's not easy it's torment from them using to the jail torment ..as Mothers we would lie down our lives for our children..we would take on anyone that would harm them...Right now we have to be strong pray and stand on the sidelines as our children are behind bars ..I pray tonight for my Chris for your daughter for all those who have lost there way....it has to be uncomfortable for them that's the only way we might begin to be able to make a opening for us to be able to help them...but mostly for them to want to help themselves
Dear Insanity,
You are a mother and have the heart of a mother.
Everybody is in a different situation.
Some have learned to be more detached and to also feel maybe jail is a good lesson so that the person will clean up their act and while there they can't use drugs.
On my part I am sorry to say that I am not a mother but the sister of an addict.
He has extorted money from us for so many yearrs, blackmailed us, made us tremble in fear, break stuff at times, verbal abuse.... Just hell.
Still he is there running around under my mom's roof, rent free, food is paid for, playing his sweet dictator role, doing his drugs and is a master in making us shut up.
So I do confess I am one of those people who will celebrate the day when this criminal goes to prison because this is where he belongs.
I still know that I will feel sorry for him because I do have a heart but I believe that there should be consquences for your actions.
An eye for an eye.
I am not saying that everybody is in my situation but you do not get callous like this overnight.
I really pray for your daughter and for you and for everybody else on this message board.
You are a mother and have the heart of a mother.
Everybody is in a different situation.
Some have learned to be more detached and to also feel maybe jail is a good lesson so that the person will clean up their act and while there they can't use drugs.
On my part I am sorry to say that I am not a mother but the sister of an addict.
He has extorted money from us for so many yearrs, blackmailed us, made us tremble in fear, break stuff at times, verbal abuse.... Just hell.
Still he is there running around under my mom's roof, rent free, food is paid for, playing his sweet dictator role, doing his drugs and is a master in making us shut up.
So I do confess I am one of those people who will celebrate the day when this criminal goes to prison because this is where he belongs.
I still know that I will feel sorry for him because I do have a heart but I believe that there should be consquences for your actions.
An eye for an eye.
I am not saying that everybody is in my situation but you do not get callous like this overnight.
I really pray for your daughter and for you and for everybody else on this message board.
Dear friends
I know that my daughter must make this journey. My problem with this jail is the dehumanizing element which I don't believe anyone deserves. I put money in an account so she could get underwear and socks-they took away her bra because it had an underwire. I thought she would be able to purchase these items immediately, but she could only order them. She will have her underwear in a week! Doesn't even an addict deserve underwear??? I am trying to stay strong. Thanks for all the support.
I know that my daughter must make this journey. My problem with this jail is the dehumanizing element which I don't believe anyone deserves. I put money in an account so she could get underwear and socks-they took away her bra because it had an underwire. I thought she would be able to purchase these items immediately, but she could only order them. She will have her underwear in a week! Doesn't even an addict deserve underwear??? I am trying to stay strong. Thanks for all the support.
Have you tried to speak to a social worker who will be able to help you as to the treatment your daughter is getting in prison.
I am sure that there is something you can do about it hopefully.
I am sure that there is something you can do about it hopefully.
What a wonderful forum to help those like myself that are in need. My son is 20, and his heroin use began just a few months ago. His mother and I are divorced, and she is currently being charged with meth peddling. Thank the dear Lord I was able to get him away from her. I am remarried, and my new wife is very supportive, but this is all getting too crazy now. We've caught him in the bathroom passed out with syringes on the counter. Got him into rehab, and he was back to his normal self for a couple weeks, but you can tell when the change takes place. And sure enough, we found needles under his bed again.
I've talked to a counselor at my job, and she tells me I should just let him go now. Tough love. And yes, as many have echoed on this board, it just kills me inside. But, I've come to realize after reading here, it's the only potential end to this madness. I am however offering him another shot at rehab, and if there's any funny business at all, I will finally make the final move, although it will break my heart. But he's ruining our life, something has to give this time.
I've talked to a counselor at my job, and she tells me I should just let him go now. Tough love. And yes, as many have echoed on this board, it just kills me inside. But, I've come to realize after reading here, it's the only potential end to this madness. I am however offering him another shot at rehab, and if there's any funny business at all, I will finally make the final move, although it will break my heart. But he's ruining our life, something has to give this time.
Dear insanity,
Hang in there. It is not a good feeling knowing your child is somewhere where we don't feel they belong. My daughter had a heart condition and kept calling up crying that she hadn't had her medicine and she was dying and anything to tug at my heart strings. I visited her and talked to the nurse and the warden and found out she did get her meds and a doctor did see her and what she needed, she was given. I would see her and she had makeup on and her hair would be braided. She actually looked healthy while in there.
When she was out on probation, I made sure she was there on time, got counseling, paid restitution and even after doing all that, she still violated her probation. So what good did it do? Not a damn thing. These are their consequences, not ours.
Take care of YOU. Read up on codependency. Addicts are very resourceful and will do what they need to get what they want.
Hang in there. It is not a good feeling knowing your child is somewhere where we don't feel they belong. My daughter had a heart condition and kept calling up crying that she hadn't had her medicine and she was dying and anything to tug at my heart strings. I visited her and talked to the nurse and the warden and found out she did get her meds and a doctor did see her and what she needed, she was given. I would see her and she had makeup on and her hair would be braided. She actually looked healthy while in there.
When she was out on probation, I made sure she was there on time, got counseling, paid restitution and even after doing all that, she still violated her probation. So what good did it do? Not a damn thing. These are their consequences, not ours.
Take care of YOU. Read up on codependency. Addicts are very resourceful and will do what they need to get what they want.
Well, I tried to see my daughter in jail today to decide if things were really as dire as she has led me to believe. Unfortunately, her boyfriend got there before me. She is only allowed one 15 minute visit per week. Guess I'll go right when they open next Tuesday. Meanwhile I keep telling myself that she is where she needs to be....where her choices have led her. Thanks for all the support.
Dear Insanity,We have spoken many times,I know how it feels to have your child in jail....mine is currently incarated...Chris has been in jail now since August it is now his 3rd or 4th stint in jail...We have to be strong we have to make them responsible for their choices their decisions...we tried to grab the Bull by the horns and stop them before it got to this point....they ran anyway...as Mothers we are protective of our children we want them safe we want them to be productive...we want them to take all we tried to teach them along the way and put it to use in a productive way...unfortunately drugs somehow fell into their lives and changed everything. ...we call them our children and they are...but your daughter and my son are now adults...we can't candy coat things Mommy can't make things better. ..what we need to do is allow the full impact of their actions to hit them...Right now your daughter and my son try to make us feel like they have it rough...they want us to cushion it make it easier buy me socks can you put money in my account for snacks...we cannot and I can't stress this enough we have to be strong when Chris starts to say how he hates it there...I say Chris you could've stopped this at any point...I offered you help you knew you could've done things differently. .you put yourself here not me...I said something to my son this time...He said it bought tears to his eyes but I spoke from my heart and was truthful..I said Chris for 10 long years now I have missed out on the pleasure of enjoying my son...so many things we missed out on...your brothers baseball games his graduation. ..we have had to be without you ..now I am getting older Chris time has marched on..I am now suffering with Arthritis and I am slowing down Chris ...we lost ten years ...how many more will we miss...and at what point do you turn it around. .I can't do it for you. .I can cheer you on as you recover but it must be within you...Mom we can't cushion this for them...to do that we would rob them of the lesson...be strong everyday she's in there is a day she is not using...at the moment she may not be comfortable but she is indeed safe. .be strong May God bless you both.
Thank you Christophers Mom.
My husband and I read "Let me fall all by myself" every day and still I need help staying strong. The instinct to protect our children is so powerful. But of course, you are right. They are adults who have closed the door on every opportunity we have offered and there have been MANY. I still pray that she may salvage the rest of her life. I pray for you and your son and all of us going through this so unexpected journey.
My husband and I read "Let me fall all by myself" every day and still I need help staying strong. The instinct to protect our children is so powerful. But of course, you are right. They are adults who have closed the door on every opportunity we have offered and there have been MANY. I still pray that she may salvage the rest of her life. I pray for you and your son and all of us going through this so unexpected journey.
Things addicts say from jail My Webpage
My dear Insanity, I know the struggle but it's like this...best way I explained it to my son...I said Chris you and I are in a pool and I am treading water as hard as I can trying to keep us afloat. ..We keep slipping under the water. .Chris kick your legs use your arms...yet I find myself struggling as he won't help me...so what I did is I swam to the side of the pool for I didn't want to give up...I only had the power to save myself. .Chris needs (and your child) to attempt to work at saving themselves....I promised Chris I will always be on the sideline cheering you on...but he has got to do the work....Until he decides to do it he will only keep going under...The lesson....Right now as hard as it is for us...we have to try and restore a sense of normalcy in our lives....focus on work on what we need to....we have to breathe for a short time..right now the battle field is still...but until they learn the lesson and turn it around we have to get ourselves back together mentally and emotionally...also pray pray pray....
