Oh Izzy my love, please don't hurt yourself. You are a precious gift to this World and we need you safe, well and happy. You're an intelligent person Izzy, and if you were on the outside looking in at your family you'd realise right away that your feelings are a natural response to the situation you're in and the behaviour - the treatment - you're getting from those around you. You are just trying to cope the best you know how. I don't want to write about your situation because I'm guessing, but maybe you've read enough about my background to make you wonder what your situation is doing to you.....and my mum and dad weren't always criticising me like yours do either, so far as I recall.....so just think how well you're dong! In my case I think most of the damage was emotional neglect....just not giving me love and affection as a very small child....there was some abuse when I was very young, but I didn't have the continuous, negative stuff you've had for so long.....I know I was enraged at my parents, but of course I was frightened to express that or even let myself feel it....I felt I must be "bad" for being angry with mum and dad, after all, they were the adults, they MUST be right, right? I must really be unlovable. Yeah, right.
No hugs, kisses, love as a baby/toddler/child.......my parents didn't love me, and that MUST be my fault...and I was angry with them for not loving me...and only bad people are angry with their parents, right? Yeah, right again.
....so I felt guilty as well ....and on top of that of course I loved them....and the hurt and angry part of me was angry with myself about THAT ,and ashamed at my weakness when it wanted to lash out at them....and none of this could be expressed of course.....so roll on 45 years of hurt, sadness, abandonment, anger, guilt, shame, depression....if anything you're doing better than me Izzy, you see all this going on and you reach out for support....you're a smart cookie and have so much to give to people.....please don't damage yourself, what you're feeling is a normal response to an extraordinary situation....there's nothing wrong with you...you're doing brilliantly....and when you are free of the circumstances you're living in you will blossom and grow and find joy because people will be drawn to your shining soul.
Izzy, is there anyone close to you who you really trust and can talk to about your feelings? I'm sorry you don't find any comfort talking to your psychiatrist. Would your GP refer you to a counsellor, someone who will just listen? And do you call The Samaritans Izzy? They're not just there for people about to jump off a bridge, they're there for anyone in emotional distress and they are generally really good. I've called them dozens of times in the past year Izzy....don't hurt your beautiful body....and you are beautiful Izzy, from the inside out....everything I hear in your posts speaks of a wonderful soul....I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. You deserve so much more happiness than you could know.
If you feel love for you on this board Izzy it is because there IS love for you here. The whole World is full of love and affection for you Izzy, and it is waiting patiently for the moment that you realise you are so completely and utterly worthy of it....you will find yourself surrounded by love Izzy. Trust me. Someone close to my heart told me it would be well, and I'm learning to believe that quiet, loving voice.
Don't hurt yourself Izzy, call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 You might be able to get through now I've finally taken them off speed dial ;)
Love,
Martin
Izzy,
Wow, I can totally relate to the words of that song; that rang true for me as a child too....(my Dad was extremely abusive to my Mom) and also to his children. I stuffed all that sh*# down and poured alcohol and threw drugs on top of all of the pain. By working the 12 steps of AA, seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist have enabled me to be free from that pain and turmoil that ran rampant through me....I also, in turn, picked either emotionally and physically abusive men to be with....now, finally, I am breaking the cycle....hang tight Izzy, hang tight.
Geri
Wow, I can totally relate to the words of that song; that rang true for me as a child too....(my Dad was extremely abusive to my Mom) and also to his children. I stuffed all that sh*# down and poured alcohol and threw drugs on top of all of the pain. By working the 12 steps of AA, seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist have enabled me to be free from that pain and turmoil that ran rampant through me....I also, in turn, picked either emotionally and physically abusive men to be with....now, finally, I am breaking the cycle....hang tight Izzy, hang tight.
Geri
Izzy, please, through your pain, remember that self-injuring is as addictive as any drug - you already know this. It will become that slippery slope you already know. Please, please get out of there so you have a shot at getting well.
Comfort~MomNMore
Comfort~MomNMore
Gidday Izzy
It scares the sh@t out of me to answer posts where people have a plan and may use it, because the victim in me can always feel responsible.
Youre counsellor is a male and i know that is reason enough for you to stall....trust starts somewhere, maybe here.
Whatever you decide is up to you as you have choices
I read what i read and i think what i think...sometimes i miss things and sometimes i see things and a lot of times i trust in god and type what i feel and at times i can confuse all of the above
Izzy i dont know all of you and the reasons you stay with your family and i can only answer from what i used to do, i put up with a life of sh@t because i wanted to hear i love you from my Dad
I put up with a life of sh@t because i thought my mum needed the help
I put up with a life of self harm and hate because i couldnt change or make anyone or the situation better so i became a victim and a part of the cycle
My dad was hard wired all his emotions were linked to anger
Mum was hard wired she caused everthing to be bad (In her mind) this is what she thought till the day she died
They have made there choices
I am a mixture of the two with a few of my own demons thrown in for good measure and texture
The only way that i could change anything for the better was to change myself and break the cycle...distance from alcohol and things that affected me negatively and only then could i start to grow and yes there are days that there stones still hit me and hurt and if i added my fear the bruises stayed longer and deeper...small steps, one day at a time
If i had of died it would only of been me that was weak in my Dads eyes and he would of blamed anyone else he wanted to hurt...my Mum would of course blamed herself and i would of lost all of my other choices
endless hope is such a wonderfull choice....take it from me and keep it:)
light and love Zac
It scares the sh@t out of me to answer posts where people have a plan and may use it, because the victim in me can always feel responsible.
Youre counsellor is a male and i know that is reason enough for you to stall....trust starts somewhere, maybe here.
Whatever you decide is up to you as you have choices
I read what i read and i think what i think...sometimes i miss things and sometimes i see things and a lot of times i trust in god and type what i feel and at times i can confuse all of the above
Izzy i dont know all of you and the reasons you stay with your family and i can only answer from what i used to do, i put up with a life of sh@t because i wanted to hear i love you from my Dad
I put up with a life of sh@t because i thought my mum needed the help
I put up with a life of self harm and hate because i couldnt change or make anyone or the situation better so i became a victim and a part of the cycle
My dad was hard wired all his emotions were linked to anger
Mum was hard wired she caused everthing to be bad (In her mind) this is what she thought till the day she died
They have made there choices
I am a mixture of the two with a few of my own demons thrown in for good measure and texture
The only way that i could change anything for the better was to change myself and break the cycle...distance from alcohol and things that affected me negatively and only then could i start to grow and yes there are days that there stones still hit me and hurt and if i added my fear the bruises stayed longer and deeper...small steps, one day at a time
If i had of died it would only of been me that was weak in my Dads eyes and he would of blamed anyone else he wanted to hurt...my Mum would of course blamed herself and i would of lost all of my other choices
endless hope is such a wonderfull choice....take it from me and keep it:)
light and love Zac
