I just don't know. My dad made a really nasty joke about me this morning, I'm not even gonna write what he said because it hurt me so much. It's not even jokes he makes, they're just designed to humiliate me. He makes me feel totally worthless like I'm a total non entity. Just something to be laughed at and ridiculed and when I don't laugh with him or tell him he's not funny I get so much abuse I just have to go along with it all even when all I want to do is go and cry. And I did today, practically all day. I went out with my mum this afternoon and I just broke down sobbing in the middle of the street with everyone staring at me, but I didn't care.
I just feel like I'm so horrible a person that I must deserve all this s*** that gets handed my way I feel so worthless and depressed that I don't deserve to be happy, I'm just a waste of space. I try so hard to do the right thing by him and be nice to him and what I get back is just nothing. But I'm not about to start any crap with him because he's doing it to me, that's just childish.
I don't know how I'm gonna get past this whole mental block thing I have because since I could talk I've had it drummed into me that I'm useless and worthless and a piece of s***. His words, not mine. My own mum even suggested I go get some whisky to make myself feel better! Can you believe that? She knows I have a drink problem, I feel so lost. I don't know what to do.
I don't have faith that there is a God because of everything that's happened to me, how do I get past that? I don't even know if that's the solution.
Please help!
Izzy
Izzy, you are a beautiful, loving and giving person who has shown immense strength in surviving what sounds like a very difficult family situation.
Read your own post and imagine another name on it....Chris, say, or pirate, or zipper, or Martin, or SKQ or Valarie or Zac or any one of the warm and caring and good people who come to this site.....would you think THEY deserved such treatment? Would you imagine that any of us would escape from such a situation without EXACTLY the same feelings you have about ourselves?
We're all human beings Izzy and anyone....ANYONE who has been treated like you have been treated would end up feeling as you do.
So remember: NONE OF THIS IS REALLY ABOUT WHO YOU ARE; IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM. And you know it. Deep down and despite all the brainwashing and propaganda that brings you down, a very important part of you still knows that you are a good and worthwhile person who has gifts and talents still to blossom....you don't have to believe the rubbish your parents throw at you, because that's all it is, but be aware that as you've grown up from a very young age with all this it is inevitable that inside you a PART of you echoes the terrible and unfair judgements they have hurled at you over the years.....there's likely to be an internal judge inside you that has assumed that these powerful adult figures MUST BE RIGHT and so it has accepted their opinion of you.....they have taught it to.......and every time you make a mistake of any kind it probably beats up on you internally.....sending your inner Child running for the hills in tears and fear......
Nurture that hurt Child Izzy, love it as you'd love any abused Child, and when you hear those rubbish judgements inside your head look at your mum and dad and remember that those inner judgements are really only recordings of the rubbish they've thrown at you over all these years. THEY ARE NOT ACCURATE AND THEY ARE NOT TRUE.
I know it, anyone who reads your words knows it, and deep deep down, you know it too.....make space for that frightened inner Child to return....keep it safe by protecting it from that inner critic....don't listen to any harsh judgments you make of yourself.....treat your inner Child well....make space for it to play, to be heard, ....be kind to yourself Izzy...this is what it is all about in the end - show YOURSELF that you're worthy of love....because you are....and the vast unconscious resources that have been battered and bruised for so long will gather and rally to your aid.....give them a banner to rally around....be good to Izzy...open your heart to yourself and love you as you would any Child abused in this way, any wounded animal.... here is your Higher Power Izzy, deep inside the wonderful, magical human organism that is you; a far, far greater power than our tiny little conscious minds....the incredible power of our good and healthy unconscious can quell the self-doubt and self-loathing and guide us towards the light.
From the fist day on this board I loved your soul. Your parents have given the World a gift, it is THEIR tragedy that they do not yet realise it.
I'm so glad I know you.
Read your own post and imagine another name on it....Chris, say, or pirate, or zipper, or Martin, or SKQ or Valarie or Zac or any one of the warm and caring and good people who come to this site.....would you think THEY deserved such treatment? Would you imagine that any of us would escape from such a situation without EXACTLY the same feelings you have about ourselves?
We're all human beings Izzy and anyone....ANYONE who has been treated like you have been treated would end up feeling as you do.
So remember: NONE OF THIS IS REALLY ABOUT WHO YOU ARE; IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM. And you know it. Deep down and despite all the brainwashing and propaganda that brings you down, a very important part of you still knows that you are a good and worthwhile person who has gifts and talents still to blossom....you don't have to believe the rubbish your parents throw at you, because that's all it is, but be aware that as you've grown up from a very young age with all this it is inevitable that inside you a PART of you echoes the terrible and unfair judgements they have hurled at you over the years.....there's likely to be an internal judge inside you that has assumed that these powerful adult figures MUST BE RIGHT and so it has accepted their opinion of you.....they have taught it to.......and every time you make a mistake of any kind it probably beats up on you internally.....sending your inner Child running for the hills in tears and fear......
Nurture that hurt Child Izzy, love it as you'd love any abused Child, and when you hear those rubbish judgements inside your head look at your mum and dad and remember that those inner judgements are really only recordings of the rubbish they've thrown at you over all these years. THEY ARE NOT ACCURATE AND THEY ARE NOT TRUE.
I know it, anyone who reads your words knows it, and deep deep down, you know it too.....make space for that frightened inner Child to return....keep it safe by protecting it from that inner critic....don't listen to any harsh judgments you make of yourself.....treat your inner Child well....make space for it to play, to be heard, ....be kind to yourself Izzy...this is what it is all about in the end - show YOURSELF that you're worthy of love....because you are....and the vast unconscious resources that have been battered and bruised for so long will gather and rally to your aid.....give them a banner to rally around....be good to Izzy...open your heart to yourself and love you as you would any Child abused in this way, any wounded animal.... here is your Higher Power Izzy, deep inside the wonderful, magical human organism that is you; a far, far greater power than our tiny little conscious minds....the incredible power of our good and healthy unconscious can quell the self-doubt and self-loathing and guide us towards the light.
From the fist day on this board I loved your soul. Your parents have given the World a gift, it is THEIR tragedy that they do not yet realise it.
I'm so glad I know you.
Izzy. I can feel your pain as I read your post. I know you are hurting and it saddens me to know that you hurt so much. Izzy please keep telling yourself that you ARE WORTHY.and don't ever let anyone make you think otherwise. I wish I could help you I really do but I don't know what to say to you other than that you are precious and you deserve love and you are important and you have rights Izzy. you owe it to yourself to start loving yourself. The cruel behaviour of your parents is bringing you to a bottomless pit of pain and suffering Izzy. They will destroy you if you let them, BUT ONLY if you let them. As hard and difficult as it is please try and remain strong. They are the ones who are wrong, For you are good and kind and loving. I think they see these traits in you and they want to destroy the good they see in you. Let Good overcome wickedness Izzy.Let your light shine through no matter how dark it seems to be, don't let them put your light out Izzy. Don't let them make you hate yourself. by doing so you will let them win and you will be lost in the darkness. Try and be strong Izzy and please know that people do love you and care for you and that you deserve love and most of all you deserve and owe yourself SELF LOVE . you are worth it girl ! God bless and be safe (((((( ))))))) xxxooooo
Gidday Izzy
Your Dad has power......the power to hurt....when he is fearful, he has the power to give that fear away to others as another emotion pain, its sad Izzy but this man has power over you in life and as long as he sees he is firing hits he will keep you as a target.
You love him and you hate him, your Mum has been formed by him and she can only answer your cries with her own fears and she is scared because how will she cope when her controller passess one day and also the side of you that depends on him is also in turmoil as it is a love/hate relationship
I know i have written a lot of you down but i should be writing i...because this is what my Dad had over all of us kids and when we were told that we were sh@t everyday we started to believe it and built a life around that thinking, my mum in the end and untill her death just stayed the victim and blamed herself for everything bad that happened, even after my Dad died, she was on her death bed and said sorry to me for not being a good Mum.....I cried and hugged her and said god knows and he will welcome you...she cried and not because of what i said but because she had made me cry...I love my Mum
I also love my Dad and have more talks to him now he is dead than when he was alive, because alive he was in his own addiction and coped the only way he knew by stealing others energy via anger and pain...when he died it felt like a 3 tonne weight had been lifted from my shoulders and i was free, all of us kids were free......Mum wasnt she wanted and needed him back because he had done a beautiful job on her and untill she died she was always uncomfortable when we told her that we loved her, because she felt she was to blame.
Why the long answer Izzy well it was cleansing for me and as long as you allow your Dad to energise himself off you he will keep doing what he does best and i know there are no real answers in my post but you have to believe that there is a god and he/she does care...take freddie for some longer walks and allow the wind, rain, sun and freedom to wash away some of your fears
light and love Zac
Your Dad has power......the power to hurt....when he is fearful, he has the power to give that fear away to others as another emotion pain, its sad Izzy but this man has power over you in life and as long as he sees he is firing hits he will keep you as a target.
You love him and you hate him, your Mum has been formed by him and she can only answer your cries with her own fears and she is scared because how will she cope when her controller passess one day and also the side of you that depends on him is also in turmoil as it is a love/hate relationship
I know i have written a lot of you down but i should be writing i...because this is what my Dad had over all of us kids and when we were told that we were sh@t everyday we started to believe it and built a life around that thinking, my mum in the end and untill her death just stayed the victim and blamed herself for everything bad that happened, even after my Dad died, she was on her death bed and said sorry to me for not being a good Mum.....I cried and hugged her and said god knows and he will welcome you...she cried and not because of what i said but because she had made me cry...I love my Mum
I also love my Dad and have more talks to him now he is dead than when he was alive, because alive he was in his own addiction and coped the only way he knew by stealing others energy via anger and pain...when he died it felt like a 3 tonne weight had been lifted from my shoulders and i was free, all of us kids were free......Mum wasnt she wanted and needed him back because he had done a beautiful job on her and untill she died she was always uncomfortable when we told her that we loved her, because she felt she was to blame.
Why the long answer Izzy well it was cleansing for me and as long as you allow your Dad to energise himself off you he will keep doing what he does best and i know there are no real answers in my post but you have to believe that there is a god and he/she does care...take freddie for some longer walks and allow the wind, rain, sun and freedom to wash away some of your fears
light and love Zac
Hi Izzy,
I'm not sure there is a simple answer to your question. I suspect that one doesn't stop all negative thinking in a single event. My guess is that developing a positive self image is a process and that process may well take as long as it took to absorb all those negative images. I believe the start of this process is something like what Zak said; know that your father is a frightened and weak man which is where the hurtful comments are coming from. If you can see this, I suspect that his comments will lose their power. Wishing you well....
one day at a time, Cookster.
I'm not sure there is a simple answer to your question. I suspect that one doesn't stop all negative thinking in a single event. My guess is that developing a positive self image is a process and that process may well take as long as it took to absorb all those negative images. I believe the start of this process is something like what Zak said; know that your father is a frightened and weak man which is where the hurtful comments are coming from. If you can see this, I suspect that his comments will lose their power. Wishing you well....
one day at a time, Cookster.
Hi Izzy
Its so hard when you are getting negative self-image from those who should be uplifting you - your parents.
Try your best to see your Dad as a sick and injured person (spiritually and emotionally). He is reacting like that to you because he hates himself - and that is the only way he knows how to express it. His hatred of himself has grown so huge and terrifiying his only way to make himself feel better is to diminish the people around him.
If you can picture him like this - a scared and terrified boy - consumed with self-loathing and self-doubt it may help you to understand and not take to your heart the mean and hurtful things that he says.
I think the only way to begin loving yourself Izzy is to find a way to connect with and explore your spiritual side and develop an understanding of your own HP.
my thoughts are with you Izzy
Its so hard when you are getting negative self-image from those who should be uplifting you - your parents.
Try your best to see your Dad as a sick and injured person (spiritually and emotionally). He is reacting like that to you because he hates himself - and that is the only way he knows how to express it. His hatred of himself has grown so huge and terrifiying his only way to make himself feel better is to diminish the people around him.
If you can picture him like this - a scared and terrified boy - consumed with self-loathing and self-doubt it may help you to understand and not take to your heart the mean and hurtful things that he says.
I think the only way to begin loving yourself Izzy is to find a way to connect with and explore your spiritual side and develop an understanding of your own HP.
my thoughts are with you Izzy
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Ditto what Zipper posted, me too Izz, me too....lifting you up....
Dear Izzy,
It came to the point for me in my life that I told my parents at seperate times to their faces what they were saying to me, what they had been doing to me was having a profoundly painful effect on me. That they needed to stop, or I would no longer be a part of their lives.
I tried this when I was younger with my Dad received beating's for it. Pants down underpants to. Do you know how humiltaing this is for a little girl who's 7and 8 yrs old; who's also being sexually molested by her best friends father. Who doesn't have an adult she can trust to tell. Dad could run faster then me. But Mom couldn't. I thank God my parents were divorced, he scared the s*** out of me. I ran away from home from my Mom when I was 12 then again 16.
For years I used alcohol as my voice it gave me courage. Now I find courage thru Christ! Please find the courage Izzy to tell your Dad to stop talking to you like this. Write it to him. Quote him. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him why he would want his own daughter to feel so hurt, so sad, so humilated. It is possible that he really doesn't know how badly he is hurting you, humilating you.
If it was me and I'm a fighter Izzy. I would let him know. Because if you don't he will keep doing this. Now I'm sorry if youv'e already done this. If thats the case .
If your in your early 20's, which I think you mentioned before. Move out! I know you have this disorder. Many other people have your disorder. There are people who have schizophrenia, bi-polar, mood diorders, depression, para & quad lapregic's, amputee's, blindness etc. They live on their own. Dare to dream Izzy.
I don't know if you take meds for your disorder. Get more proactive with your medical team. Demand it politely! Find a job. Find a roomate to help with expensenses. Get mad and do something to get yourself out of this situation. It's been going on for far to long now.
The longer you live at home and depend on your parents the harder it will be to become independant woman. I think you would be pleasantly surprised. If your still to young or, not quite ready. Start getting ready. I told my alcohol and drug counselor I was getting ready to get ready to make some big and necessary changes in my life.
I finally figured out at the age of 45 that nobody was going to do this but me. I just don't want you to spend more years suffering girl. Fight Izzy find your true voice tell them, like you do us. You are strong you are courageous. You are kind and lovable! You deserve peace and happiness! Fight for it Izzy!
With Love And Respect,
Chris
It came to the point for me in my life that I told my parents at seperate times to their faces what they were saying to me, what they had been doing to me was having a profoundly painful effect on me. That they needed to stop, or I would no longer be a part of their lives.
I tried this when I was younger with my Dad received beating's for it. Pants down underpants to. Do you know how humiltaing this is for a little girl who's 7and 8 yrs old; who's also being sexually molested by her best friends father. Who doesn't have an adult she can trust to tell. Dad could run faster then me. But Mom couldn't. I thank God my parents were divorced, he scared the s*** out of me. I ran away from home from my Mom when I was 12 then again 16.
For years I used alcohol as my voice it gave me courage. Now I find courage thru Christ! Please find the courage Izzy to tell your Dad to stop talking to you like this. Write it to him. Quote him. Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him why he would want his own daughter to feel so hurt, so sad, so humilated. It is possible that he really doesn't know how badly he is hurting you, humilating you.
If it was me and I'm a fighter Izzy. I would let him know. Because if you don't he will keep doing this. Now I'm sorry if youv'e already done this. If thats the case .
If your in your early 20's, which I think you mentioned before. Move out! I know you have this disorder. Many other people have your disorder. There are people who have schizophrenia, bi-polar, mood diorders, depression, para & quad lapregic's, amputee's, blindness etc. They live on their own. Dare to dream Izzy.
I don't know if you take meds for your disorder. Get more proactive with your medical team. Demand it politely! Find a job. Find a roomate to help with expensenses. Get mad and do something to get yourself out of this situation. It's been going on for far to long now.
The longer you live at home and depend on your parents the harder it will be to become independant woman. I think you would be pleasantly surprised. If your still to young or, not quite ready. Start getting ready. I told my alcohol and drug counselor I was getting ready to get ready to make some big and necessary changes in my life.
I finally figured out at the age of 45 that nobody was going to do this but me. I just don't want you to spend more years suffering girl. Fight Izzy find your true voice tell them, like you do us. You are strong you are courageous. You are kind and lovable! You deserve peace and happiness! Fight for it Izzy!
With Love And Respect,
Chris
Thank you for all your support guys.
Yes Chris, I do know how humiliating it is to be hit and molested and how damaging it is. I too have been in very similar situations with my dad and another family member who is now dead. Thank God.
I'm not ready to move out, yet, I don't feel mentally strong enough, and for other reasons too, I can't just abandon everyone, not at this time when my dad is going into hospital for an operation because he has cancer. I hate what he's done to me but I don't hate him, I guess it's like other people who have been abused, mentally or physically (I have been both) I still want to stick up for him and look after him no matter what he does to me. Sick or stupid? You decide...
I'm feeling a bit stronger about the situation, I get hurt I go cry and take it out on myself in other ways then I pick myself back up and get on with it... that's what I feel I need to do. I'm on meds and have been for two years, they're helping.
I have other responsibilities here, I can't just abandon everything, I don't want to.
My dad will be out the house for a while when he's in hospital, a little breathing space for me. I'm worried for him and I care.
Thank you for your advice, I shall think about it for some time, the same with all you others who have posted on this topic. Your support and fresh views encourage me to keep fighting for myself, I'm not a quitter and one day I shall find inner peace, I'm edging ever closer with my therapy. I find it a comfort that all you people care enough to give me your thoughts and experiences and advice, I find it amazing and you don't know how much this all means to me.
Thank you!
Also I wanted to share my joy in that a Giant Schnauzer took Best in Show at Crufts! I'm ecstatic! My little one is a Miniature Schnauzer and me and all my Schnauzer chums have been celebrating! It's good to get some recogntion for the breeds!
Wishing you all well,
Izzy
Yes Chris, I do know how humiliating it is to be hit and molested and how damaging it is. I too have been in very similar situations with my dad and another family member who is now dead. Thank God.
I'm not ready to move out, yet, I don't feel mentally strong enough, and for other reasons too, I can't just abandon everyone, not at this time when my dad is going into hospital for an operation because he has cancer. I hate what he's done to me but I don't hate him, I guess it's like other people who have been abused, mentally or physically (I have been both) I still want to stick up for him and look after him no matter what he does to me. Sick or stupid? You decide...
I'm feeling a bit stronger about the situation, I get hurt I go cry and take it out on myself in other ways then I pick myself back up and get on with it... that's what I feel I need to do. I'm on meds and have been for two years, they're helping.
I have other responsibilities here, I can't just abandon everything, I don't want to.
My dad will be out the house for a while when he's in hospital, a little breathing space for me. I'm worried for him and I care.
Thank you for your advice, I shall think about it for some time, the same with all you others who have posted on this topic. Your support and fresh views encourage me to keep fighting for myself, I'm not a quitter and one day I shall find inner peace, I'm edging ever closer with my therapy. I find it a comfort that all you people care enough to give me your thoughts and experiences and advice, I find it amazing and you don't know how much this all means to me.
Thank you!
Also I wanted to share my joy in that a Giant Schnauzer took Best in Show at Crufts! I'm ecstatic! My little one is a Miniature Schnauzer and me and all my Schnauzer chums have been celebrating! It's good to get some recogntion for the breeds!
Wishing you all well,
Izzy
Izzy,
I want you to know that your openness and courage has helped a very hurt little boy inside me find the way to let me feel the hands around his throat and the fists in his chest....helped me understand the nightmares about falling downstairs on my bed....helped me understand the intense and seemingly irrational anger I've felt towards my mother all my life...helped me believe my body when it told me I'd been abused even though my mind doesn't have the words or pictures, only the smell and sense of that wardrobe...and the door opening.....helped me look my counsellor in the eye and say "I know it is true. I don't understand it and I can't remember it but I know these feelings are real.....helped me cry tears that have been locked inside for 45 years...helped me pick up the phone to the Samaritans and howl with pain.....helped me stay alive....helped me find my centre.....
You did that Izzy....you and other people here and in my life who have shown courage and kindess in equal measure.....and I bet you've done it for other people too.....
Just look at what you are doing for people Izzy.....just look....I'm 50....and I never knew....but you made it possible for me to look.....helped give me the courage to listen.....to consider the possibility that I might just be a victim.....and a survivor......
And today, for the first time in months, I feel the possibility of a life without the draining, unconscious depression, fear and dread that robbed me of so much joy and strength and pleasure for so long. No longer. The sun is coming out.
Thank you for what you do, from the bottom of my heart.
I want you to know that your openness and courage has helped a very hurt little boy inside me find the way to let me feel the hands around his throat and the fists in his chest....helped me understand the nightmares about falling downstairs on my bed....helped me understand the intense and seemingly irrational anger I've felt towards my mother all my life...helped me believe my body when it told me I'd been abused even though my mind doesn't have the words or pictures, only the smell and sense of that wardrobe...and the door opening.....helped me look my counsellor in the eye and say "I know it is true. I don't understand it and I can't remember it but I know these feelings are real.....helped me cry tears that have been locked inside for 45 years...helped me pick up the phone to the Samaritans and howl with pain.....helped me stay alive....helped me find my centre.....
You did that Izzy....you and other people here and in my life who have shown courage and kindess in equal measure.....and I bet you've done it for other people too.....
Just look at what you are doing for people Izzy.....just look....I'm 50....and I never knew....but you made it possible for me to look.....helped give me the courage to listen.....to consider the possibility that I might just be a victim.....and a survivor......
And today, for the first time in months, I feel the possibility of a life without the draining, unconscious depression, fear and dread that robbed me of so much joy and strength and pleasure for so long. No longer. The sun is coming out.
Thank you for what you do, from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Izzy,
Girl I worry so much about you. I have seen a bit of your old pattern creeping back up. You know what part of that quote I am talking about too. Please seek out help and have you told your therapist? We all find coping mechanisms. I use an eating disorder so I am not throwing stones. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I see in a few of your posts that you are mentioning old coping skills again.
If you need a friend to chat please by all means email me okay. I don't want you to feel alone Izzy.
vlchavis@hotmail.com (put Izzy in the subject line)
Your Friend Valarie
| QUOTE |
| I'm feeling a bit stronger about the situation, I get hurt I go cry and take it out on myself in other ways then I pick myself back up and get on with it... that's what I feel I need to do. I'm on meds and have been for two years, they're helping. |
Girl I worry so much about you. I have seen a bit of your old pattern creeping back up. You know what part of that quote I am talking about too. Please seek out help and have you told your therapist? We all find coping mechanisms. I use an eating disorder so I am not throwing stones. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that I see in a few of your posts that you are mentioning old coping skills again.
If you need a friend to chat please by all means email me okay. I don't want you to feel alone Izzy.
vlchavis@hotmail.com (put Izzy in the subject line)
Your Friend Valarie
Dear Izzy,
I don't think your sick or stupid in not wanting to abandon your Dad, or your responsibilities. What I do think is I see someone who shows great love the same as Christ did to others who persecuted him. I see incredible love and strength in you. One I didn't have, or was unable to show at your age.
I think it's healing to cry. It's a normal reaction to pain. It's the other things you say you do to yourself that is of concern. I know your working towards your goals though. It takes time for many of us whov'e been abused.
Because I'm a person that has been abused and a caring person I don't like to see it happening to you. It's my hope and prayer that you will find the courage to talk to your Dad about this when your ready. Until then keep doing the best you can Izzy thats all any body can anyway. I some how knew you were a fighter, like me. I think you have to be to survive. We do keep getting better because we fight we don't completely give up. We question things that aren't right. But, eventually action is required.
Congratulations on your dog breed getting the best in show. You sound so happy and excited. That made me smile. I watch Animal Planet here in the states and enjoy watching the dog shows. I also like orangutang island. They are called people of the forest. I wished I could hold a baby one their so cute to me. Have good day evening whatever time it is where you live. I think your in the UK?
Love, Chris
I don't think your sick or stupid in not wanting to abandon your Dad, or your responsibilities. What I do think is I see someone who shows great love the same as Christ did to others who persecuted him. I see incredible love and strength in you. One I didn't have, or was unable to show at your age.
I think it's healing to cry. It's a normal reaction to pain. It's the other things you say you do to yourself that is of concern. I know your working towards your goals though. It takes time for many of us whov'e been abused.
Because I'm a person that has been abused and a caring person I don't like to see it happening to you. It's my hope and prayer that you will find the courage to talk to your Dad about this when your ready. Until then keep doing the best you can Izzy thats all any body can anyway. I some how knew you were a fighter, like me. I think you have to be to survive. We do keep getting better because we fight we don't completely give up. We question things that aren't right. But, eventually action is required.
Congratulations on your dog breed getting the best in show. You sound so happy and excited. That made me smile. I watch Animal Planet here in the states and enjoy watching the dog shows. I also like orangutang island. They are called people of the forest. I wished I could hold a baby one their so cute to me. Have good day evening whatever time it is where you live. I think your in the UK?
Love, Chris
Izzy,
How ya feeling these days?
Geri
How ya feeling these days?
Geri
Hi guys, my dad had his operation two days ago and it went well. He's still on Morphine and pain killers but he's been up today and sat in the chair next to his bed. I didn't go to see him as I had to look after the dog as nobody was in all day except me.
Am feeling more positive today, but the past few days have been tough. When we all went to see my dad after his op, when he was coming out of recovery and was in the high dependency unit I felt like my sis and my mum didn't want me there, they ignored me and just spoke between themselves, even when the nurse came round to tell us we could go for a cup of tea while they got my dad settled I might as well not have been there. They decided between themselves that they would just wait and I never even got asked, I felt like getting up and walking out.
My dad is quite keen on my little collection of teddy bears and he's always enthusistic when I get a new one, and it just so happened that I had a new one coming in the post the day after his op so I took it along to the hospital to show him.I'll put in a link here to let you all see him!
http://www.bearbits.com/cgi/archive...viewItem=113,22
My sis had a go at me for taking it into the ward telling me the nurses wouldn't be very impressed at having that in there, I felt like punching her in the face. She does nothing but boss me about and I just take it... I hate myself for that too. My dad liked that I brought him along though.
All in all things are ok. I keep telling my new Psychiatrist that I'm fine and everything is ok, he just asks so many questions and by the end of the session I just say anything to shut him up. It's exhausting.
My dad has all these people visiting him in the hospital, I feel pretty cheated about that too, when I was in for a week after I tried to kill myself, not one friend or family member came to see me except my mum. It makes me feel like crap, like I don't even matter, yet this man who's abusive and things has all these people concerned for him?
I don't know, I feel like giving up right now. I'm invisible.
Hope everyone is doing ok?
Best Wishes,
Izzy
Am feeling more positive today, but the past few days have been tough. When we all went to see my dad after his op, when he was coming out of recovery and was in the high dependency unit I felt like my sis and my mum didn't want me there, they ignored me and just spoke between themselves, even when the nurse came round to tell us we could go for a cup of tea while they got my dad settled I might as well not have been there. They decided between themselves that they would just wait and I never even got asked, I felt like getting up and walking out.
My dad is quite keen on my little collection of teddy bears and he's always enthusistic when I get a new one, and it just so happened that I had a new one coming in the post the day after his op so I took it along to the hospital to show him.I'll put in a link here to let you all see him!
http://www.bearbits.com/cgi/archive...viewItem=113,22
My sis had a go at me for taking it into the ward telling me the nurses wouldn't be very impressed at having that in there, I felt like punching her in the face. She does nothing but boss me about and I just take it... I hate myself for that too. My dad liked that I brought him along though.
All in all things are ok. I keep telling my new Psychiatrist that I'm fine and everything is ok, he just asks so many questions and by the end of the session I just say anything to shut him up. It's exhausting.
My dad has all these people visiting him in the hospital, I feel pretty cheated about that too, when I was in for a week after I tried to kill myself, not one friend or family member came to see me except my mum. It makes me feel like crap, like I don't even matter, yet this man who's abusive and things has all these people concerned for him?
I don't know, I feel like giving up right now. I'm invisible.
Hope everyone is doing ok?
Best Wishes,
Izzy
Izzy,
Show glad you posted and shared your bear with us. I just had to give my oldest daughter a pep talk about how good a person she is and that she is not a piece of crap....she is very depressed today....so I'm with you in spirit and sending good thoughts your way...you are special and you are worth it! You are doing the best you can with the coping skills you currently have..........Geri
Show glad you posted and shared your bear with us. I just had to give my oldest daughter a pep talk about how good a person she is and that she is not a piece of crap....she is very depressed today....so I'm with you in spirit and sending good thoughts your way...you are special and you are worth it! You are doing the best you can with the coping skills you currently have..........Geri
Izzy, your spirit shines.....there's no way you're invisible girl. No way. You have changed my life these past few weeks. You absolutely have. And helping me has helped my two 14 year old kids....and taken a weight off my 24 year old's shoulders, and some worry from my brother and my parents and my friends...and has even helped me to stop adding stress and drama to my ex's life....you.helped me to cope better and so have helped them, too....Invisible? You're helping people you don't even know because you were kind enough and open enough and brave enough to suggest something to me that touches on your own life. You chose to step forward and help. And it did.
I don't know why your family behave as they do, but there are plenty of us who need someone else to blame for stuff.....a scapegoat....I see that in a family close to me....young kid gets blamed for everything and all the others moan about what he's doing all the time....make out he's trouble, useless, a problem to be "solved".......it stops the others having to look too closely at themselves....
Your Bear's a handsome lad and I'm glad your dad liked him. It was lovely that you took him in to see your dad....Izzy, you need to listen to the people on this board because for whatever reason it seems your family are consistently negative around you and that's incredibly difficult for anyone to cope with without becoming depressed and upset. You did a nice thing for your dad because you are a really nice person and everyone who intereacts on this board knows that.
Time for Izzy to know it too. You are a hero to me.
I don't know why your family behave as they do, but there are plenty of us who need someone else to blame for stuff.....a scapegoat....I see that in a family close to me....young kid gets blamed for everything and all the others moan about what he's doing all the time....make out he's trouble, useless, a problem to be "solved".......it stops the others having to look too closely at themselves....
Your Bear's a handsome lad and I'm glad your dad liked him. It was lovely that you took him in to see your dad....Izzy, you need to listen to the people on this board because for whatever reason it seems your family are consistently negative around you and that's incredibly difficult for anyone to cope with without becoming depressed and upset. You did a nice thing for your dad because you are a really nice person and everyone who intereacts on this board knows that.
Time for Izzy to know it too. You are a hero to me.
Hi Izzy -
Your sister is treating you exactly as she has been taught to do by your parents - shame on her, shame on all of them. I understand the responsibility you feel, but they would manage without you and maybe even find out how much you contribute and care for them. Izzy, I am concerned about the same thing Valarie posted about - I remember a discussion on the subject awhile back. Be careful, Izzie.
Thiis is troubling, too. How can he help you if you won't let him? He asks questions because that's his job, to help you delve into yourself and pull out what you need to find all that self-worth and joy that you are overdue for. Everything is not fine and okay, how can it be when you feel so lousy and invisible?
I hope you'll put yourself first, Izzy,. Take a leap of faith. My girl has had some of your same troubles; she'll be 21 next month and is living with two roommates and making it. Nothing special, just a little place, working at Starbucks, hanging out with friends she met through work and NA - she never had any real friends before. She never thought she could get there - told me once that when she looked in the mirror she didn't see anyone, anything, nothing was there. It took a lot of courage for her to try to make it on her own and she has gotten more positive feeling from that than from all the therapy in the world. Independence is a huge step towards feeling good about yourself - and yes, it can be scary, but many worthwhile things are.
Zac made an especially insightful post - I was moved by his understanding and eloquence. Listen to him and to your other friends here. You are a kind soul and very generous to others, be as kind to yourself. How do you stop hating yourself? Baby steps...baby steps.
Positive stuff coming your way~MomNMore
Your sister is treating you exactly as she has been taught to do by your parents - shame on her, shame on all of them. I understand the responsibility you feel, but they would manage without you and maybe even find out how much you contribute and care for them. Izzy, I am concerned about the same thing Valarie posted about - I remember a discussion on the subject awhile back. Be careful, Izzie.
| QUOTE |
| I keep telling my new Psychiatrist that I'm fine and everything is ok, he just asks so many questions and by the end of the session I just say anything to shut him up. It's exhausting. |
Thiis is troubling, too. How can he help you if you won't let him? He asks questions because that's his job, to help you delve into yourself and pull out what you need to find all that self-worth and joy that you are overdue for. Everything is not fine and okay, how can it be when you feel so lousy and invisible?
I hope you'll put yourself first, Izzy,. Take a leap of faith. My girl has had some of your same troubles; she'll be 21 next month and is living with two roommates and making it. Nothing special, just a little place, working at Starbucks, hanging out with friends she met through work and NA - she never had any real friends before. She never thought she could get there - told me once that when she looked in the mirror she didn't see anyone, anything, nothing was there. It took a lot of courage for her to try to make it on her own and she has gotten more positive feeling from that than from all the therapy in the world. Independence is a huge step towards feeling good about yourself - and yes, it can be scary, but many worthwhile things are.
Zac made an especially insightful post - I was moved by his understanding and eloquence. Listen to him and to your other friends here. You are a kind soul and very generous to others, be as kind to yourself. How do you stop hating yourself? Baby steps...baby steps.
Positive stuff coming your way~MomNMore
Hi Izzy,
How you doin'?
How you doin'?
Hi everyone, you've had me nearly in tears reading all your posts to me, I feel the warmth and understanding that I've craved my whole life and I hardly know you guys.
Martin, you especially are a wonderful person too, I really appreciate everything you write, especially when I feel you have your own demons that you're only discovering now. It means a lot that you care so much and take the time to make me feel cared about as a person.
Today, everything just got too much, I went to see my dad and the moaning has started again, he kept saying to me when are you going home and I felt like he didn't want me there, so I went home with my aunt who had come to visit him too. I was in on my own and I just felt really depressed. I discovered in my room that my sis had been searching for money again, my stuff was all moved, I just felt suicidal, when my mum got in I tried to talk to her and it just ended up in a massive argument with me in hysterics telling her I was gonna kill myself. I didn't want to be alive anymore, I just wanted OUT. I think about it everyday and have a plan. I think she got a bit of a shock and she tried to comfort me, which made me feel a bit better. She understands when she wants to, I told her to phone my sis in the morning and tell her not to come near this house tomorrow, I don't want to see her. I can't trust her. I'm tired and I'm exhausted, sometimes I just want a hug, you know? A ,little bit of affection without having to beg for it as I've had to my whole life...
I don't hate my dad, I care about him a lot and that's why it hurts so much because of the things he does. My mum said that I'm so used to being rejected that I just expect it, which is true. I can't distance myself from the things he says because it all feels personal as it has been my whole life. I'm really dreading him coming home now because he's going to be in discomfort and he's not going to be able to separate that from us when we're trying to help him. He just complains non stop. He's never thankful, he just feels an emotion and it comes out of his mouth good or bad.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to feel upset or angry with him because I'm not allowed to express it. I can't reason with him so it all boils up inside and I explode, hence the mess my arms are in from cutting myself. I've smashed glass after glass at the wall in a rage, I've smashed plates, banged my head off the wall til I can't feel it anymore, punched myself til I'm black and blue, I scratch myself til I bleed and that makes me feel better. I feel like I deserve it. I'm actually not drinking that much as I can't stand being drunk anymore, so that is one good thing.
Anyway, I'm really tired so I'm gonna head off and try and relax for a bit.
Thanks again everyone.
Much love, Izzy
And to Zac, I didn't acknowlegde it before but I could have written your post myself. You've got it in one. Thank you for sharing all that you've felt.
Just a wee expression of me : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxeHfB-udlI
Martin, you especially are a wonderful person too, I really appreciate everything you write, especially when I feel you have your own demons that you're only discovering now. It means a lot that you care so much and take the time to make me feel cared about as a person.
Today, everything just got too much, I went to see my dad and the moaning has started again, he kept saying to me when are you going home and I felt like he didn't want me there, so I went home with my aunt who had come to visit him too. I was in on my own and I just felt really depressed. I discovered in my room that my sis had been searching for money again, my stuff was all moved, I just felt suicidal, when my mum got in I tried to talk to her and it just ended up in a massive argument with me in hysterics telling her I was gonna kill myself. I didn't want to be alive anymore, I just wanted OUT. I think about it everyday and have a plan. I think she got a bit of a shock and she tried to comfort me, which made me feel a bit better. She understands when she wants to, I told her to phone my sis in the morning and tell her not to come near this house tomorrow, I don't want to see her. I can't trust her. I'm tired and I'm exhausted, sometimes I just want a hug, you know? A ,little bit of affection without having to beg for it as I've had to my whole life...
I don't hate my dad, I care about him a lot and that's why it hurts so much because of the things he does. My mum said that I'm so used to being rejected that I just expect it, which is true. I can't distance myself from the things he says because it all feels personal as it has been my whole life. I'm really dreading him coming home now because he's going to be in discomfort and he's not going to be able to separate that from us when we're trying to help him. He just complains non stop. He's never thankful, he just feels an emotion and it comes out of his mouth good or bad.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have the right to feel upset or angry with him because I'm not allowed to express it. I can't reason with him so it all boils up inside and I explode, hence the mess my arms are in from cutting myself. I've smashed glass after glass at the wall in a rage, I've smashed plates, banged my head off the wall til I can't feel it anymore, punched myself til I'm black and blue, I scratch myself til I bleed and that makes me feel better. I feel like I deserve it. I'm actually not drinking that much as I can't stand being drunk anymore, so that is one good thing.
Anyway, I'm really tired so I'm gonna head off and try and relax for a bit.
Thanks again everyone.
Much love, Izzy
And to Zac, I didn't acknowlegde it before but I could have written your post myself. You've got it in one. Thank you for sharing all that you've felt.
Just a wee expression of me : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxeHfB-udlI
