My son is coming home from a 14 day inpatient rehab which involved five days of detox off pain pills benzos and pot. We visited him yesterday and he saying all the right things and read back all of his notes from the group counseling around addiction and using the 12 steps. We are willing to let him come back home and are going to work on a contract that says we have a zero tolerance in our home and he will have to leave if he uses again. I'm afraid that it will be very stressful in our home because we will be highly suspicious of every move because we simply don't trust him based on the millions of lies over the past four years. My question is how do we handle the relationship when we simply have no trust left but still want to support him? We can't stand the thought of being manipulated and lied to again. I wish he was not coming home but he has no means to support himself right now.
DearMimi,Explain to your son that he breached the trust within your relationship and within your home .Trust is not given it is one that is earned whether it be through words or actions.He needs to re-establish the trust as it has been severely damaged. Assure him that you wish to support him in his recovery,yet be firm to no tolerance to drug use....take one day at a time encourage him to be honest with you ....You didn't feel this way after a day or even a few ....it has been years it has been a pattern of deceit that brought you to this place....There has to be a healing period.He needs to earn back what he lost.....He needs to understand........ Understand addiction not only affects the addict.As loved ones of an addict we to need time to recover what has been taken and lost from us.
Dear mimi,
Not knowing how old your son is, I am going to guess he is able to maintain employment and live in a sober-living home. I am concerned that he returned home - unless you too are part of a family support program. In other words, if nothing changes then change won't happen. If there were enabling actions within the family (providing a roof over his head, meals, internet, etc.) and that hasn't changed, then the recipe to return to old behavior is there because nothing has changed.
Part of the addict's program includes steps 8 and 9. It deals with mending broken relationships. It is more than an apology - it includes making ammends for all wrongs including financial and legal. Relapse is also a common part of the journey - and they key is how well the addict gets back into program quickly instead of resorting to old ways. Enabling actions will often make it easier to remain in old ways.
Did his treatment center offer a family support program? Most do, and then they help you get into Al Anon or NAR Anon for ongoing work. This isn't a kind of change where "poof", things get better. A program of recovery takes work and time - for the addict and also the family members.
Please let me know if I can answer other questions.
Good luck,
Flyboy
Not knowing how old your son is, I am going to guess he is able to maintain employment and live in a sober-living home. I am concerned that he returned home - unless you too are part of a family support program. In other words, if nothing changes then change won't happen. If there were enabling actions within the family (providing a roof over his head, meals, internet, etc.) and that hasn't changed, then the recipe to return to old behavior is there because nothing has changed.
Part of the addict's program includes steps 8 and 9. It deals with mending broken relationships. It is more than an apology - it includes making ammends for all wrongs including financial and legal. Relapse is also a common part of the journey - and they key is how well the addict gets back into program quickly instead of resorting to old ways. Enabling actions will often make it easier to remain in old ways.
Did his treatment center offer a family support program? Most do, and then they help you get into Al Anon or NAR Anon for ongoing work. This isn't a kind of change where "poof", things get better. A program of recovery takes work and time - for the addict and also the family members.
Please let me know if I can answer other questions.
Good luck,
Flyboy
