For 10 years (my entire adult life) I have been with my fianc who is an addict. I have learned over the years that this time of year he will be gone. I have stood by him through prison, cheating, abuse, and pulled him out of such horrible conditions that I can't even write about. Yes I know I am his enabler but I don't know how to walk away. No matter what he does I still feel like it is "my job" to protect him. I have no idea how I have continued my life and reached most of my life goals being with this man (graduated with my masters, have my dream job, two wonderful kids and about to buy my first house). When I try to leave, that's when he becomes crazy.
This time I thought, hoped, prayed that it would be different. When I left him last February I was done. I actually packed everything and took it to where he stayed, I ignored texts and phone calls were only answered by our kids I even ignored him when he showed up to my work. I did so good until the hospital called me (his emergency contact) because he was not able to make decisions. This was a life/death situation so what was I to do? When I got to the hospital there were people in his room. I didn't know them, who were they? I knew who they were! I kick them all out I told them not to come back I told them that if they did they would regret it. I stayed with him for a week making the decisions to help him. To make this shorter, he came home from the hospital.
March till December have been the best months of my life! We were us again. We did everything together. He started school and even got a job starting after the New Year. All of this he did for himself, I did nothing! 2 weeks ago, he didn't come home. When he did he told me he used and how sorry he was. I know how hard the holidays are for him so we talked and discussed all his hard work and our next step. Today is New Year's Eve. It has been 4 days since I have seen him. E has called and text asking for our account passwords (I changed everything) and money because he was hungry. He wanted to come home and I said no...but how do I keep saying no. I love this man I don't want to live this life anymore. I read all these post and talk to my mom who has been clean for 8 years from meth but how do you do it? How do you walk away?
you have answered that question yourself "i dont want to live this life anymore" - it will not change unless you change it-you are enabling this guy in his addiction-he knows that no matter how bad things get you will be there to pick up the pieces- you cannot fix this guy-only he can do that- sure you want to help him-thats natural, but you need to decide what is good for you- you need to put some boundaries in place and more importantly stick to them- you have to start taking care of you-you are not responsible for this guy's life - he is an adult and must learn to live with the consequences of his actions- if you decide to stay in this relationship, every time he leaves the house you wil wonder if he is coming back or going to score drugs-you want to live your life like that? do you want to be in a relationship where there is no trust? that what living with an addict involves and it will not change for a long time even if/when he is in recovery - that doubt will always be in the back of your mind-thats the reality of addiction-we (addicts) lie, cheat, manipulate and do whatever needs doing to obtain are drug/drink- be in no doubt when an addict is in active addiction/using- the drugs come first-always will win out-thats the reality of addiction and life with an addict-you need to take all this on board before you make this choice-i am sorry if i sound harsh but there is no point in trying to dress it up-addiction destroys lives-those of the addict and those of the people that are closest to the addict- only the addict can make the decision to chose recovery -i hope you make the right decision for you and wish you the best of luck with whatever path you chose to take-
Mom. you are not alone.
For every alcoholic/addict there is a roomful of people (family/friends etc) affected by him/her.
There is a great 12 Step program for friends/family of addicts and that is Nar-Anon. There you will meet many people in exactly the same situation as yourself and they are getting their life back on track.
You could join them in recovery by looking Nar-Anon up in your local phone book or on-line at http://www.nar-anon.org/ . Give them a call and find a meeting in your area.
All the best.
Bob R
For every alcoholic/addict there is a roomful of people (family/friends etc) affected by him/her.
There is a great 12 Step program for friends/family of addicts and that is Nar-Anon. There you will meet many people in exactly the same situation as yourself and they are getting their life back on track.
You could join them in recovery by looking Nar-Anon up in your local phone book or on-line at http://www.nar-anon.org/ . Give them a call and find a meeting in your area.
All the best.
Bob R
Reading "Let me fall..." is a very good experience.
Not only did I read "Let me fall.." but I have copied it into a journal that I am starting to document my daughter's cycles, my ideas that have worked, things that went wrong, things I read that seemed great and if they really were, etc.
Also,
yes...
point taken, being face to face with others who know first hand will be a good thing, it will be a good thing, it will be a good thing!
Ahhh we all need courage!
Know that you are not alone.
Know that what ever you do be it good or bad is something! Continue to learn, and move forward!
Not only did I read "Let me fall.." but I have copied it into a journal that I am starting to document my daughter's cycles, my ideas that have worked, things that went wrong, things I read that seemed great and if they really were, etc.
Also,
yes...
point taken, being face to face with others who know first hand will be a good thing, it will be a good thing, it will be a good thing!
Ahhh we all need courage!
Know that you are not alone.
Know that what ever you do be it good or bad is something! Continue to learn, and move forward!
To Mom04, I am in the same situation. Not sure how these post work. I can tell you to be strong and ignore him. It is my Anniversary and my husband is texting me asking me if it is over. I am going to reply Yes. As hard as it will be, I want it to be over today, on our Anniversary. Good luck to you and everyone that post here.
