Hi Lollee,
Thank you for your response: Lollee wrote:
"
NY..It actually took OVER a year! For me, the enabling went on for years and that takes time to turn it around. What usually happened in my family is they would stand their ground for a month, maybe three and then I would wear them down and get my way. Because that was always the pattern, it took a bit over a year of complete detachment before I believed them!
We addicts are persistent, if nothing else! I can say, without a doubt, that stopping the enabling (though it took a while for it to sink in for me) was key to me finding recovery. I finally was uncomfortable enough, lonely enough, broke enough, sad enough to try it another way!
"
I know in my case, my husband and I expected life to turn around faster. We have no idea of how deep or long the "bottom" is.... our idea of uncomfortable, lonely, broke and sad is so much different than our addicted loved ones. and of course they don't like the struggle they are in, but it is the drug's addiction that is pushing them, not common sense...
I started thinking it might take a long time bc my son did have about 5 months clean, but once he left sober living and was on his own, he started using again. The rehab/sober living he lived at concentrated on teaching the life skills - grocery shopping and cooking - and decreasing the addictive patterns / behaviors. Like hustling for food and work. and from reading about withdrawls it takes time for the brain and physical body to reverse the symptom the drugs have created.
I know he was exposed to good information, but he did not want to stick to it long enough. I realize it has to take a long time to stop the train, and then put it into reverse, and then get it going in the right direction.
currently, in October, after two friends from home died, my son has said he is done with this, but he just was not able to climb out of it on his own, where he was living in FL, over the past 2 years. His sister offered to let him visit for a few months. That's when I realized that he needed some 'down' time, to give his brain a break from struggling. he is not using, there is no opportunity to. we will see what the next year brings!
I know for some addicts, and I was one of them, it isn't the initial detox that gets them it is the PAWS(post acute withdrawal syndrome) , that nasty cluster of symptoms that persist for a long while after we "quit". The endless depression, disturbed sleep, lack of energy, lack of focus, numbness, sadness etc. It is often these symptoms that lead us back to using. After many, many attempts and a near fatal overdose, I finally surrendere to MAT(medication-assisted treatment)
For me, and I am only speaking for myself, I needed the stability that medication brought to the table. Even when I was clean for a period, the lingering symptoms were so debilitating for me that I could not function at all. I couldn't even begin to listen to anyone about what I had to do to "live sober" with my mind and body rebelling at every corner.
Recovery is such a long and arduos process! I definitely needed a period of stabilization before I was able to put in the work. Everyone is different, and I am in no way recommending my way as the way people should recover! Every individual has to find what works for them.
Counseling, after a period of stabilization, has let me deal with some past issues, while teaching me new tools to relate to those around me. I have found support in the recovery community, also.
Addicts are definitely a persistant bunch! We stand firm in our addiction as the world crumbles around us..and then we use more so we don't have to deal with it! Stopping the enabling, like I said was the key for me. To their credit, they did the detach with love thing very well! I never once felt that they were abandoning me or didn't love me...just that they were no longer going to put up with my crap...or finance it!
I'm glad that you are taking time for yourself to breathe! I know when my family started to show healhier patterns, I was confused at first! How can my mom NOT take my call begging for money?? She's out to lunch with friends??? I was so confused when they started to live their own lives and started meeting with friends, taking up hobbies etc. It was a wonderful demonstration of health, and though it took a while for me to see it, appreciate it and implement those healthy behaviors into my own life, it most definitely helped!
Hang tough! Make sure you are tending to your own physical, mental and spiritual needs. I am often reminded that when flying in an airplane, if oxygen is needed, you put on your own mask first, THEN help those you are with. Recovery isn't much different. You need to put on your mask first!!!! Lots of love coming your way!!!
For me, and I am only speaking for myself, I needed the stability that medication brought to the table. Even when I was clean for a period, the lingering symptoms were so debilitating for me that I could not function at all. I couldn't even begin to listen to anyone about what I had to do to "live sober" with my mind and body rebelling at every corner.
Recovery is such a long and arduos process! I definitely needed a period of stabilization before I was able to put in the work. Everyone is different, and I am in no way recommending my way as the way people should recover! Every individual has to find what works for them.
Counseling, after a period of stabilization, has let me deal with some past issues, while teaching me new tools to relate to those around me. I have found support in the recovery community, also.
Addicts are definitely a persistant bunch! We stand firm in our addiction as the world crumbles around us..and then we use more so we don't have to deal with it! Stopping the enabling, like I said was the key for me. To their credit, they did the detach with love thing very well! I never once felt that they were abandoning me or didn't love me...just that they were no longer going to put up with my crap...or finance it!
I'm glad that you are taking time for yourself to breathe! I know when my family started to show healhier patterns, I was confused at first! How can my mom NOT take my call begging for money?? She's out to lunch with friends??? I was so confused when they started to live their own lives and started meeting with friends, taking up hobbies etc. It was a wonderful demonstration of health, and though it took a while for me to see it, appreciate it and implement those healthy behaviors into my own life, it most definitely helped!
Hang tough! Make sure you are tending to your own physical, mental and spiritual needs. I am often reminded that when flying in an airplane, if oxygen is needed, you put on your own mask first, THEN help those you are with. Recovery isn't much different. You need to put on your mask first!!!! Lots of love coming your way!!!
Not to be glib, but it takes as long as it takes. There is no magical or hard-and-fast timeline...we are all different...the addicts, the codependents...we all take as long as we take to get where we need to be. Everyone stays in a relationship or continues a dynamic as long as it serves something in them, whatever that may be. It may be a sick need to self-punish, or to control...whatever is being served isn't necessarily healthy or good for us. When we are no longer getting something from the behavior, it stops.
If anyone reading has had a struggle with weight, or with quitting smoking, or with procrastination, it's the same mechanism at play with drug addiction. How many times do we tell ourselves, I'll do X or Y tomorrow...by this time next year I will have lost ___pounds, or will be smoke-free...or will have improved myself in thus-and-so way. The problem with drug addiction is that it can and will kill you one way or another, in some unknown time frame: jails, institutions, death. It messes with the brain in a way these other compulsions do not, though they too get us stuck in some seemingly never-endng loop.
It took my girl 7 years and many failed attempts to get and stay clean...it took me four years to stop enabling...I fear my best friend will never get there with her own son...we are all so different and live our lives looking the lens of our own limited experience.
When we know better, we do better.
Peace ~ MomNMore
If anyone reading has had a struggle with weight, or with quitting smoking, or with procrastination, it's the same mechanism at play with drug addiction. How many times do we tell ourselves, I'll do X or Y tomorrow...by this time next year I will have lost ___pounds, or will be smoke-free...or will have improved myself in thus-and-so way. The problem with drug addiction is that it can and will kill you one way or another, in some unknown time frame: jails, institutions, death. It messes with the brain in a way these other compulsions do not, though they too get us stuck in some seemingly never-endng loop.
It took my girl 7 years and many failed attempts to get and stay clean...it took me four years to stop enabling...I fear my best friend will never get there with her own son...we are all so different and live our lives looking the lens of our own limited experience.
When we know better, we do better.
Peace ~ MomNMore
