Hello. I have just sat at my computer on and off for the past two days reading and trying to take in as much info as possible in order to understand where my addict bf is coming from, how I fit into the picture, how to help him, and how to move on myself. You have all made my heart ache.
Heroin is the ultimate test to a humans' courage to survive. Who needs to die to see the devil.
WOW.
And now I sit in a daze of fear, dispare, and yet hope because I have read some amazing stories of some very strong people who have fought the devil on a daily basis and are winning. But...... I have also read some very sad and scary stories of people who are trapped in a living hell that will torture themselves and everyone around them indefinately.
For those that want to read my story/speal thank you but this is a warning for others as this will be a blurb that may seem like a never ending story or one that has been heard a million times over.
My story starts with a run in with an old friend, Ryan. I am a single mum of a 9 yr old who just put herself through business school while working and being a single mum.
Ryan was my first bf in highschool and a friend that has entered my life on and off but just as a friend. We broke up after a small stint in highschool and I started dating a mutual friend (with whom I have a child with). Many years later and after having my son I dissasociated myself from that crowd as I had goals and a different outlook on things and life at that time. This process included leaving my son's dad because of an alcohol and drug problem (this seems to be a issues with many people we were associated with).
This sega begins with Ryan and I running into each other at my apartmemt. We had not seen each other in probably 10yrs except a brief encounter/quick hello 3 yrs ago. He happend to be staying at the unit accross from mine. I was very uncertain of him as I know his past and because of my ex, but as an old friend we started to hang out. Ryan has been in and out of trouble since I can remember and I knew I should be very careful but as a friend I sat and listened to him and for some reason or another I started to let him in to my world. I started to believe what he was saying when he said he wanted to change his ways and do things proper. I started to believe him and in him. He was sweet, loving and believable.
As things progressed (and as I should have noticed the warning signs) his room mates moved out and Ryan had no where to go so I let him move his stuff into my place. I could go on forever into the detail of event and things but there isn't enought time in the day to carry on. He was sweet nice and full of how he would like things to be.......but......things started to get crazy. His behavior changed dramaticly and every symptom of oxycotin and heroin addiction appeared. To make a long story short, I was taken advantage of finacially and emotionally. I was close to his mum and so I opend up and told her what I thought was going on. His mum had also been manipulated and taken advantage of finacially and emotionally.
Anyway... the story is this. After a couple of months of being held emotionally hostage ( I know I had a choice and I know all about the books through this site "Codependent" and believe me I am running out tomorrow to buy them because I know I have my own issues to deal with but the story is how it is at that moment in time and all I could think of was helping). Ryan had attempted to go cold turkey a couple of times and also through a stint of rapid detox through a friend who could get prescrition s***. This did not work and after much mello drama and "s***" I told him no more and I told him that he was killing himself and emotionally killing me and his mum and that we were finally talking and figuring out many non congruant stories and that we were not going to help him continue this sega. He has taken advatage of and hurt my son, myself, and his mum. I was calm but firm yet supportive.
Ryan ended up calling his mum and asking for help and left willing to face the excruciating withdrawl symptoms. I know this is a very hard and admiral thing he did but the road is still long and hard and full of what if's. Ryan left on a bus 4hrs away and to his mums. After a day at his mums he could not handle things and accepted and went willingly (thank god) into a 5 day stint at the hospital detox.
Where I stand now is how much support do I give. In the final months Ryan treated me like..... (I hate swearing but.....) he treated me like s***, lied, stole, and took advantage of me and his mum in everyway possible. I do not want him to think this is okay. I know this was the drugs, but some how and some way he must take responsibility for this. When I reflect I still see his face and hear his voice even though I know it is the devil within.
On Ryan's 3rd day into detox he called me collect. He was calm and said he wanted to hear my voice and we made small chit chat. (No sorries for his behavior though. I am not looking for any asskissing by an means but I know once he says sorry he is serious and since it didn't happen I am suspisious).
My worry is he asked me to get his last pay cheque from work and keep it for him and that he would call me in a few days. I asked him what his plans were and he if he was planning on going into the rehab his mum had found. He said that he was going back to his mum's after detox and then he had to deal with some things first before even considering rehab.
What I need to know from anyone and all that have been addicts or have experienced this situation as a loved one is....... how much support should I give him without enableing or excusing him?!?!?!?!?!
Should I keep talking with him and telling him I believe in him etc.but that he can not come back until he has dealt with stuff. Or , should I tell him that I am supporting him from a distance and that I need him to go into rehab and deal with his demonds before I can talk to him agian. (his request for his paycheque has made me question his stregnth).
I don't know where we stand. Am I just his pawn? Does he really care as he said he once did? I do think he cares or at least did. But I am so unsure and so full of mistrust.
I do not want to give him false sense of reality as I don't know if our relationship will withstand this as I am hurt, confused and feeling very manipulated. I can't make promises on "if's". I also know he can not and should not focus on our relationship but on getting over this hell. As for now I am going to live my life, regain my stability and trust with my son and move on on my own healing my own "issues" . Whatever happens from here is "in the faith of the world, god, or whatever forece is out there is going to be."
But...... I do want to support Ryan. I am his friend and always will be. He does have his mum, but if it doesn't enable him I would like him to know he also has me. But if supporting him means letting go, this is what I need to do. I am just not sure what would be the best decision.
I may be a codependent to some degree and it is an issue I will as a strong driven person deal with....... but the facts are I care and I will never stop caring. Ryan is my friend before I let him into my world as a bf. I want to support him and help him. What should I do. Let him hear my voice in weekly doses (as he contacts me) or tell him that he needs to get help before I can talk to him again?
Please, any advice?
stine.
"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind..........let it be something good."
-Anonymous
"I am an amazing person, who deserves the most amazing opportunities life has to offer. I am strong, I am confident and I am prepared to say NO if saying yes is going to hurt me. I CAN AND WILL OVERCOME THIS MOMENT OF TEMPTATION, FOR I KNOW IT IS MERELY A TRAP, AND I AM GOING TO CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD LOVING MYSELF BY MAKING DECISIONS THAT WILL ONLY HELP ME, ENCOURAGE ME, AND STRENGTHEN MY LIFE AND MY MIND. I AM A MIRACLE and deserve to be treated as a miracle and everday is another opportunity for me to be thankful for my life and to shine.
I can and I will be strong. I will show others how to love me, by showing others how I love myself. I AM PRECIOUS!!! AND I WILL NOT FAIL!!!"
-Anonymous
Whether you are with him or not is entirely up to you. The main thing for you to know is you can't love him enough to make him get clean. You can't get angry enough to make him get clean. You can't buy/bargain his way clean. His recovery has to be his own. You have to do things to make yourself happy. Only you know what those are.
I don't know if you have read these on the Families/partners board but these should help.
Let me fall.
An addicts Plea
They where written posted by Passion a recovering Meth/Ice user who lost her husband to the drug.
I don't know if you have read these on the Families/partners board but these should help.
Let me fall.
An addicts Plea
They where written posted by Passion a recovering Meth/Ice user who lost her husband to the drug.
Yeah, Hurt Dad is right there.
I would suggest that you don't make things comfortable for him when he messes up by a misguided attempt at being helpful. I made that mistake and I feel like crying now after reading your story as it reminds me just how damned painful it is living with an opiate addict.
I would suggest that you don't make things comfortable for him when he messes up by a misguided attempt at being helpful. I made that mistake and I feel like crying now after reading your story as it reminds me just how damned painful it is living with an opiate addict.
Whoops, posted before I had finished there!!
Yeah, as I was saying, don't make things comfortable, let him face the consequences of his behaviour.
I will give you an example of how I didn't do this. He came home drunk and smashed up loads of things in our house basically. The next day I came downstairs to the mess and felt awful for him because he was obviously struggling so much to try and get a life together and it wasn't working. I pondered for ages on what to do, and eventually cleared it all up. So when he got up he didn't have to face anything or do anything, just carry on with his life.
I so deeply regret not understanding the whole enabling thing at the time. It was far to late and I was far too co dependant when I did get it.
It is so heart wrenching the whole business.
Don't get too deeply involved and make the mistakes I did because then you have a whole lot of regret to deal with and what ifs.
All my misguided attempts didn't work anyway because he ended up back on drugs.
I now understand that he wasn't really ready. He took his medication but didn't really do anything else regarding his recovery. I was trying to do it for him which is pointless.
Good luck. I feel for you. It is hard.
Yeah, as I was saying, don't make things comfortable, let him face the consequences of his behaviour.
I will give you an example of how I didn't do this. He came home drunk and smashed up loads of things in our house basically. The next day I came downstairs to the mess and felt awful for him because he was obviously struggling so much to try and get a life together and it wasn't working. I pondered for ages on what to do, and eventually cleared it all up. So when he got up he didn't have to face anything or do anything, just carry on with his life.
I so deeply regret not understanding the whole enabling thing at the time. It was far to late and I was far too co dependant when I did get it.
It is so heart wrenching the whole business.
Don't get too deeply involved and make the mistakes I did because then you have a whole lot of regret to deal with and what ifs.
All my misguided attempts didn't work anyway because he ended up back on drugs.
I now understand that he wasn't really ready. He took his medication but didn't really do anything else regarding his recovery. I was trying to do it for him which is pointless.
Good luck. I feel for you. It is hard.
Stine,
His battles, burdens, and struggles are not your's to bare. The best help you can give is to step aside and let him find his way if that is his true will until he has fully recovered(you will know when and if that comes by a change in his behavoirs). Hurtdad raised some SOLID points in his post....focus all your attention on the one that matters most......YOU! The journey of recovery never ends.....it is up to the addict alone to determine just how that journey plays out......does he take the road less traveled or does he continue on his "normal" journey...again only the one addicted can answer this. All the best!
Darin
His battles, burdens, and struggles are not your's to bare. The best help you can give is to step aside and let him find his way if that is his true will until he has fully recovered(you will know when and if that comes by a change in his behavoirs). Hurtdad raised some SOLID points in his post....focus all your attention on the one that matters most......YOU! The journey of recovery never ends.....it is up to the addict alone to determine just how that journey plays out......does he take the road less traveled or does he continue on his "normal" journey...again only the one addicted can answer this. All the best!
Darin
Thanks HurtDad, Lacey, and Darin,
This is not easy and this totally sucks. It's so surreal and I can't believe it is happening.
I know this should be on the family board, but I want people to hear and know the withdrawl symptoms family members / loved ones go through.
A Family Member ~ Loved One's Withdrawl
The pain, anger, frustration, sadness, panic, worry, fear, and lonliness that makes your heart sink into the pit of your stomache causing you to not sleep, not want to eat, and the inability to focus or think.
The feeling of being manipulated, cheated, taken advantage of, embarrased, tricked, and being held emotionally and finacially hostage because of another person's actions puts so much pressure on your head and your chest it feels like your going to explode.
And finally being left to toil and squirm in a decision to stay around support and the addict mentally and always questioning the outcome and the potential possitive and negative "what if's" causing one to want to collaps in a heap on the floor and/or breakdown at moments notice by a word, a memory, a thought, or a look causing uncontrollable tears, puffy eyes, and complete fatigue.
But, you are expected to move on, cold turkey, no contact, no hugs/kisses, no nothing. You are expected to move on with life as though the person is invisible and as if they didn't exist when in the back of your head it is all you think about leaving a rip in the heart and the only mend for this will be a permanant scar.
This is a family member/loved one's withdrawl.
stine
This is not easy and this totally sucks. It's so surreal and I can't believe it is happening.
I know this should be on the family board, but I want people to hear and know the withdrawl symptoms family members / loved ones go through.
A Family Member ~ Loved One's Withdrawl
The pain, anger, frustration, sadness, panic, worry, fear, and lonliness that makes your heart sink into the pit of your stomache causing you to not sleep, not want to eat, and the inability to focus or think.
The feeling of being manipulated, cheated, taken advantage of, embarrased, tricked, and being held emotionally and finacially hostage because of another person's actions puts so much pressure on your head and your chest it feels like your going to explode.
And finally being left to toil and squirm in a decision to stay around support and the addict mentally and always questioning the outcome and the potential possitive and negative "what if's" causing one to want to collaps in a heap on the floor and/or breakdown at moments notice by a word, a memory, a thought, or a look causing uncontrollable tears, puffy eyes, and complete fatigue.
But, you are expected to move on, cold turkey, no contact, no hugs/kisses, no nothing. You are expected to move on with life as though the person is invisible and as if they didn't exist when in the back of your head it is all you think about leaving a rip in the heart and the only mend for this will be a permanant scar.
This is a family member/loved one's withdrawl.
stine
