This is my first post.
Today is our 5th year wedding anniversary and I feel empty. I met my husband 7 years ago on an online dating site. I was a widow and he's divorced. The first two years were not smooth and we had many fights that would end with him turning off his phone and not talking for days.
We always came back to each other and in 2012 got married. Things seem to be okay and on late 2013 all that changed.
I knew very early on that he took Xanax. He takes other prescription drugs and never felt he was abusing them. My brother was addicted to Xanax and it was really bad and since I didn't see that in him I thought he was okay. I was wrong.
December 2013 he overdosed on Xanax. If not for our dogs barking when he woke up to go to the bathroom he'd probably be dead right now. He was slurring his words and bumping into walls. The day prior he got into a car accident and said it was because his glasses fell off. He fell asleep at the wheel and totaled his car. He came up stairs to our bedroom and passed out. His breathing became very heavy and I could not wake him. I called 911, he was brought to the hospital unresponsive and stayed in that state for two days. During that time I was told he may not wake up or if he did, have brain damage. He woke up the next day and was completely fine. From that day he's never been on Xanax again.
But, in 2014 I found emails from him to a woman he was having an emotional affair with during his first marriage. He had continued seeing her throughout our relationship. He's told her he loves her. He joined dating sites during those two years. I figured out the pattern and when we would fight, he'd run to her and the dating sites. He told me about their relationship when we first started dating and said it was over because we were together.
But here is the hardest part to understand:
He does not remember most of that time. He has zero recalection of the car accident and his time in the hospital. When confronted with things he says he doesn't remember.
He has apologized many, many times. He says that's not him and what he did while he was taking Xanax is not who his is. He says I'm all he wants.
And he has gotten better. He does not take Xanax or any other benzos. I do see a difference.He is remorseful.
But...
I can't help but feeling I was dupped. I was lied to for 4 years. If I knew any of this we would have never gotten married. This is a constant argument and he keeps saying he's apologized over and over and I can't get past it. He keeps saying I don't understand what it was like being addicted and have zero memory. I fear forgiving and moving on will bite me in the a**.
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to overcome this and move on with or without him.
Is there anyone else who has a partner who has blocks of time the they have no memory of? How did you trust again ?
Hi, I think it's amazing your husband forgets about his drug use. Thank God!! If it keeps him away from drugs then that's great! I've heard of things like this happening before. People being unconscious and waking up different from who they were before. He doesn't do drugs anymore and tells you he loves you and wants only you. If he was wanting this other woman he would have left you. Drugs make people do things they wouldn't normally do. Maybe him hanging with her was only for drugs. He's probably played her to get meds or drugs off her. No one can tell you what you should do about all this, only you know. But If it was me, I would tell him what's on your mind, get it all out there. Let him know how he hurt you and clear the air. If you want to get past this hurt and both want your marriage to work then that's the best I think you could do. Then it's got to be put away to be able to make a fresh start. If you and him can do this hopefully you'll be alright. Trust will come back again. It all depends on when you can let go and how long it takes you to build your trust in him again. Plus he has to earn it too. It doesn't have to be fast just as long as you get there eventually, and you will. I don't think there's a person in this world that doesn't have a memory or memories that make them sad. I know I do. We all learn how to live with them and eventually they hurt less and less until one day you think about it and it doesn't hurt anymore. These are the scars we get while going through life that makes us who we are and we're stronger and wiser because of them. Only you can decide what will work for you and if you can close the door on that chapter of your life and start again. I hope this helps and you understand what I'm getting at. Take care and good luck to you. Mary
