My son is 19 and has never been independent. He did graduate over a year ago, though the drug use was through all of his high school years (I somehow thought it would get better when he no longer had access to drugs through school--it didn't). The last two years have been the worst and between hospitalizations we managed to get him a driver's license. He HAD a job, but you know how it goes with addicts. He also has mental illness.
He is, and has been, in therapy and on meds. After his most recent hospitalization, things have been different. The drug thing has come to the front and the mental illness (which is fairly severe) has gone to the back though they are interwoven as I am sure many of you know.
I not see how this will ever end without us just kicking him out. Every time progress is made, another "episode" happens (these take many forms and can be pill benders, suicide attempts) and we are back at square one. I feel like it is deliberate sabotage or manipulation of us, but I know his mental illness is very real.
Financially, this is starting to strap us. We pay for his auto insurance which is more than we can afford. He is supposed to get a job to pay for it himself. He does not have his own car, but we have an extra vehicle for the kids (he is not my only) that he can use ONLY for a job. All the doctor visits for therapy and such cost us several hundred dollars a month. But having a job just seems to give him access to drugs which eventually ends in him losing his job. He has been jobless since last August, a year now.
He has no friends. This is not an exaggeration. His mental issues sort of works against having friends. If he had ANY place to go he would not be here. If I kick him out, he is on the streets, literally. I feel very trapped, like we will be supporting him and basically enabling him all of his life. I do not see how we will ever get out of this. Honestly, I see no hope at all.
I have just now pursued therapy for myself and started attending nar-anon meetings. We had arranged for him to enter a residential treatment program but, because he is 19, he has to make the call to intake. He said he wanted this treatment, now he is doing nothing. If I force him to go (give him an ultimatum) then he will not be going of his own will, and unless treatment is entered into freely, it will be a waste of time.
Will I really have to kick him out some day?
Wabbit
I hope you don't have to kick him out but the sad part of this is most likely. When we keep the addict comfortable, feed, and with a place to sleep we basically allow them to keep using. It is the worst feeling I have ever had t kick out my son and watch him walk down the street with a carry on piece of luggage but I didn't have any options left and he doesn't want help....
Maybe not being so comfortable will make his drug less of a best friend is all I can hope. I just couldn't make it easy for him to stay in addiction any longer. I felt like we were helping him to kill himself.
Stay strong, and know that there is so much support out there!
Maybe not being so comfortable will make his drug less of a best friend is all I can hope. I just couldn't make it easy for him to stay in addiction any longer. I felt like we were helping him to kill himself.
Stay strong, and know that there is so much support out there!
My opinion is - if he is 19 and no longer attending school, then it is a good time to move out. I've posted this story several times: I kicked my 19 year old out of the house last year. Similar story. It was a terrible thing to go through - but it does pass. He is now working and paying his bills. He used to smoke cigarettes and pot. Now, on his own, he can't afford it. At first, he swore we'd never talk again. Now we have a great relationship. Conversely, I have co-workers who have children in their 20's, 30's and even 40's who are still living at home. These "kids" never grew up, learned responsibility, and learned from life's natural consequences.
I am glad to hear you are seeking help and attending NAR Anon. Keeping coming back.
I am glad to hear you are seeking help and attending NAR Anon. Keeping coming back.
You probably will. My son has never had a car because he can't keep a job/money in his pockets long enough to buy one and we won't buy one for him or pay his insurance. He's 23 now. We've been up, down, thefts, pawn shops (my god, I lost track of how many times I've bought my parent's wedding bands back from pawn shops until I just got a safe-deposit box at the bank), lies, jail, rehab, probation officers, jail again, detox, lies, etc etc. We told him yesterday he can no longer stay here. I don't know where he is or where he's going to live, because most of his 'friends' are in the same situation and most are living by couch surfing, sleeping on the streets or in a car, spending a night here and night there, stealing to buy cigs and heroin and food.
It's so very hard and while I'm years into having a kid with an addiction, I'm new to the kicking them out thing. So I have no words of advice except, if you allow them to live in your home while they're using, provide their bed and food and car and such, you may as well just go buy the heroin and stick the needle in their arm yourself. That's what I keep telling myself when the anxiety over him on the street becomes too much. I can't even take it one day at a time, I'm down to just getting through an hour at a time. I wish you peace, because this is terrible and painful, no matter what you do.
It's so very hard and while I'm years into having a kid with an addiction, I'm new to the kicking them out thing. So I have no words of advice except, if you allow them to live in your home while they're using, provide their bed and food and car and such, you may as well just go buy the heroin and stick the needle in their arm yourself. That's what I keep telling myself when the anxiety over him on the street becomes too much. I can't even take it one day at a time, I'm down to just getting through an hour at a time. I wish you peace, because this is terrible and painful, no matter what you do.
