My husband was clean when I met him, and even though he told me he'd smoked weed in the past, I thought whatever, no big deal. I believed all the weed propaganda, that weed makes you chill, etc. Then he started smoking again. I didn't know what happened. My caring, generous, warm, understanding husband turned into a secretive, moody person. I wondered if he was having an affair, because he wouldn't come home, would go for hours, walking by himself and would flip out when I asked to come along. We used to go for long walks together, but now he violently objected to my company. It was terrible. Then I caught him smoking a joint, & asked him why he'd been hiding it. I even tried some with him, but I don't smoke and it hurt my lungs so badly I couldn't even inhale after tbe first drag. Slowly over the next few months I put the pieces together. I discovered some of these forums and they have helped SO MUCH. I know I am not the terrible person he makes me out to be. To hear him talk, I am the reason for all his failures, & it really makes a person start to question their sanity. You start to ask yourself "am I that person he's accusing me of being? Am I nagging? Controlling? Judgmental? Needy?" It's hard to not believe the lies when they're coming at you continually. I am a professional and I work full time. I pick up overtime too, because he's just been going to school for 10 years. How can I be controlling and nagging when I'm never home? He's so frustrated because bis program is self-paced, & it takes him 3-4 times longer to pass his exams than it takes his classmates. They pass him and get jobs and he's still "studying". Truth is he's spending whole days at his friends' places, smoking weed all day while I'm at work. When he's home he just watches tv all day, takes the dog for walks, gets anngry at me when I get home..
I am in the process of looking for a job in another city, because I don't want to be close enough to perpetuate this cycle anymore. I don't want to be close enough for him to either think all is well (which happened when we separated for 6 months recently, & he could be a bum except when he visited me on his schedule), or for him to blame me for his issues. I still love the person he is when sober, but I desperately want him to quit. I can't do this anymore.
FWIW, I'm going through the same thing. I understand what you mean when you say you start doubting yourself because you are blamed for everything - you're the one with the problem, not them. For me, my husband was hiding his stash in the laundry room and freaking out when I did laundry. I totally understand and sympathize with you.
