Evening Folks.
I am in an unusual posistion although I think it is common.
I am the CEO and Leader of a somewhat large corporation, and over the past 4 years have developed a hell of a Cocaine problem. At first it was "helping" me work more and harder but that time was very short. I am a young man and for years did not use Coke...instead saying I need to go down not up. I have smoked Weed for 20 years and in the past 9 years have developed a valium & hydrocodone (2 years on the LT's) problem too.
I have tremendous responsabilities both at work and I feel at home. I have been married for 14 years and have a 10 year old kid. My wife uses anything that I ever have but she stays on my tail about the Coke. But when I bring it home she willl gripe but then want it also....if I don't bring it home she won't mention it.....but if she does then I take that as permission to party.
My day to day job has me communicating and directly responsible for over 500 people. I am highly scruitinized and watched.....I do not need everyone to know as it would cost me my job.
I can easily do an 8 ball between 5:00 p.m. and the next morning and go to work. I can afford to buy all I want. But it is really starting to effect my performance and my family as you know.
I have several triggers One is drinking, two is I only have one dealer and I am "his best customer" and he actively sells it to me calling when I miss a few days, and the other trigger is depression/stress.
I am well know for being very good to my people and have helped MANY get over drug problems and alcohol. And while I take the time to help them I don't take the time to help myself.
A structured enviroment really helps me not use, and staying away from the triggers.
I have been reading here and understand many peoples feelings. I want to help myself, then commit myself to help others.
Can anyone help me or offer any advice?
L
A good start would be posting in the Cocaine caetegory to get the advice of other addicts.
CEO,
Right now, you sound like a functioning addict/alcoholic but that will not last. If you continue the type of use you describe, you will lose the title, job, family, and health. Money and success go a long way in hiding an addiction because you are so far from hitting rock bottom. You know as well as I do that there is a bottom even for someone with your success. The truth is you are proably not handling all of it as well as you think you are.
You should seek help for your addictions. Only you can know what that might be. Go to some AA/NA meetings, get a counselor or check in to a rehab center asnd get yourself clean. The drugs will take everythin you cherish and leave nothing but devestation in its wake.
Ask your self this? Why do I feel like I need to use a mood altering substance? What is it I am not wanting to face? What in my life is wrong? Most people turn to drugs/alcohol because they are not able to face the realities of their life. Maybe, it was recreational and it has gotten out of hand. If that is the case then you know you have a problem. Swallow your pride and ask for some help. You 10 year old needs a father that is clean and sober. Money is not the end of all means. I can promise you from experience that your family only really wants your time. We fool ourselves in thinking when I accomplish this or get to that level I will slow down and take more time for them. That thinking is a trap. I have been in that trap. No, I am neither an alcoholic nor addict. But I have been very guilty of being a workaholic. When my wife fell into addiction of prescription drugs, I was forced to take a hard look at my life and make some changes. It was and still is hard but my family is more important than a few more zeros. Just get some help before it is too late. Help yourself and your family. Nothing lasts forever and life passes faster than we think. Drugs and alcohol are very dangerous substances that in the end will take a lot more from your life than they can ever add to it.
Right now, you sound like a functioning addict/alcoholic but that will not last. If you continue the type of use you describe, you will lose the title, job, family, and health. Money and success go a long way in hiding an addiction because you are so far from hitting rock bottom. You know as well as I do that there is a bottom even for someone with your success. The truth is you are proably not handling all of it as well as you think you are.
You should seek help for your addictions. Only you can know what that might be. Go to some AA/NA meetings, get a counselor or check in to a rehab center asnd get yourself clean. The drugs will take everythin you cherish and leave nothing but devestation in its wake.
Ask your self this? Why do I feel like I need to use a mood altering substance? What is it I am not wanting to face? What in my life is wrong? Most people turn to drugs/alcohol because they are not able to face the realities of their life. Maybe, it was recreational and it has gotten out of hand. If that is the case then you know you have a problem. Swallow your pride and ask for some help. You 10 year old needs a father that is clean and sober. Money is not the end of all means. I can promise you from experience that your family only really wants your time. We fool ourselves in thinking when I accomplish this or get to that level I will slow down and take more time for them. That thinking is a trap. I have been in that trap. No, I am neither an alcoholic nor addict. But I have been very guilty of being a workaholic. When my wife fell into addiction of prescription drugs, I was forced to take a hard look at my life and make some changes. It was and still is hard but my family is more important than a few more zeros. Just get some help before it is too late. Help yourself and your family. Nothing lasts forever and life passes faster than we think. Drugs and alcohol are very dangerous substances that in the end will take a lot more from your life than they can ever add to it.
leader, first let me say that my position is not unlike the one that you hold. i know the pressures and responsibilities. they can be unrelenting.
you have taken a huge step towards recovery. a small step it may seem, but one that is much bigger than you think, because so many find it impossible to admit to that the use or abuse is causing problems or about to cause problems. they just can't get past the denial -- which is part of the disease -- yes, disease -- of addiction. awareness and admission is a really good start.
i suggest that you first find one good, solid advisor and confidant that you can confide in. someone that you feel knows about addiction, alcoholism, perhaps depression and obsessive-compulsive issues and dis-orders. someone that you can speak with very, very freely and honestly. that's where i woud start. then take it from there. and i wouldn't delay. this disease (your disease) does not get better with time -- it is progressive. as i am sure you have learned by now, there is no cure for addiction, but it's effects can be arrested.
there is one thing you should know. only you can want to quit. nobody can do it for you. help is necessary. help is available. relief from what you are experiencing is available. but you and only you can make the decision to quit and only you can ask for the help. most have found that will-power alone is not sufficient. the physical attraction and mental obsession to use is just too strong, and there are changes in the brain that occur with prolonged use.
write back if you think i can help you or assist.
L & Bob B
I truely appreciate your responses, just being able to communicate with someone about this issue is a step in the right direction for me and also humbling.
I am functional at this point but I know it has effected me greatly, I really measure parts of my business and in doing that I can clearly see where I am missing important issues, making slow decisions, and other various things.
Being a closet addict can be lonely...being an addict is humiliating. I feel like I should be stronger but I continue to fall in the trap.
Please understand, money is not my motivation, success is my motivation when I am thinking clearly. I have been very addicted to my work.....but just like I got addicted to work I have grown my addiction to drugs-Cocain-Lortabs. Work first then filled the void when I pulled away from work with drugs.
When I do the drugs I go home and do them, because I have no place to go and I am very wary of getting caught by the police. So I am ONLY doing it becuase I am an addict ... I am not having fun.
I want to be a better husband and father....my wife is still young enough to have more children and my issues have kept us from trying....now is the time.
Things have been heavy lately, and over the past 90 days I have done about 25 8 balls all by myself and I do not do it at work so that is between 3:00 p.m. and the next morning......to me that is rock bottom. I have to take the pills to bare the pain but I have given them up before and actually suffer more severe withdrawal from that than the Coke. But the Coke is mentally so addictive....when I have been a while 120 days ago I have an incredible cravings aand then when I strike I strike hard, fast, in a distructive way.
I put it down currently and will give you my progress tomorrow or Saturday.....If you see it please comment.....if you read this please comment. I agree I need to either seek a good psych or a friend but that has been tough.....I had one of the best Sports & Addiction Psych's in the country taking me a few years ago and he really helped me identify some weakness and fears....he helped me but when I relapsed I quit going.
I appreciate the support guys, I will return the support to others or you if needed.
Sincerely,
L
I truely appreciate your responses, just being able to communicate with someone about this issue is a step in the right direction for me and also humbling.
I am functional at this point but I know it has effected me greatly, I really measure parts of my business and in doing that I can clearly see where I am missing important issues, making slow decisions, and other various things.
Being a closet addict can be lonely...being an addict is humiliating. I feel like I should be stronger but I continue to fall in the trap.
Please understand, money is not my motivation, success is my motivation when I am thinking clearly. I have been very addicted to my work.....but just like I got addicted to work I have grown my addiction to drugs-Cocain-Lortabs. Work first then filled the void when I pulled away from work with drugs.
When I do the drugs I go home and do them, because I have no place to go and I am very wary of getting caught by the police. So I am ONLY doing it becuase I am an addict ... I am not having fun.
I want to be a better husband and father....my wife is still young enough to have more children and my issues have kept us from trying....now is the time.
Things have been heavy lately, and over the past 90 days I have done about 25 8 balls all by myself and I do not do it at work so that is between 3:00 p.m. and the next morning......to me that is rock bottom. I have to take the pills to bare the pain but I have given them up before and actually suffer more severe withdrawal from that than the Coke. But the Coke is mentally so addictive....when I have been a while 120 days ago I have an incredible cravings aand then when I strike I strike hard, fast, in a distructive way.
I put it down currently and will give you my progress tomorrow or Saturday.....If you see it please comment.....if you read this please comment. I agree I need to either seek a good psych or a friend but that has been tough.....I had one of the best Sports & Addiction Psych's in the country taking me a few years ago and he really helped me identify some weakness and fears....he helped me but when I relapsed I quit going.
I appreciate the support guys, I will return the support to others or you if needed.
Sincerely,
L
Dear Leader,
I wish you could talk to my husband (ex that is). He too had a high executive position in a well known multinational company. Money was not an issue - we had a very comfortable life, a great 3 bedroom apartament in the city a walk away from the park, private school for our son since he was 2 and half, expensive car etc. I dont how long he had been doing heroin for - it never occured to me to look for the signs but more or less from the day I found out it did nt even take a year for him to loose EVERYTHING! I dont know whether he quit his job or whether he was fired, I moved out of our house and so he did he, sold the car, stopped talkin to all his friends. He spent many months living in hostels - or so he told me, finally he has bought a horrible apartment about 1 hr away from where I am living in a horrible area....
I wish you could talk to him so that you realize the sense of urgency of your needing to straighten out, and so that he could see that he is not the only one in his situation. I worry that the main reason he doesnt get help is that he is ashamed and thinks no one in a suit and tie is going through what he is going. You could sort of buddy up...
Have you talked to your wife about your fears, have you told her you feel like it s getting out of control? My husband continues to deny there is any problem but I wonder if he just denies it to me or if he seriously doesnt see this as a problem.
Im glad you came on this sight and I hope to hear news from you soon. I am sure you will get better and pull yourself out.
Best of luck - I will be thinking of you.
I wish you could talk to my husband (ex that is). He too had a high executive position in a well known multinational company. Money was not an issue - we had a very comfortable life, a great 3 bedroom apartament in the city a walk away from the park, private school for our son since he was 2 and half, expensive car etc. I dont how long he had been doing heroin for - it never occured to me to look for the signs but more or less from the day I found out it did nt even take a year for him to loose EVERYTHING! I dont know whether he quit his job or whether he was fired, I moved out of our house and so he did he, sold the car, stopped talkin to all his friends. He spent many months living in hostels - or so he told me, finally he has bought a horrible apartment about 1 hr away from where I am living in a horrible area....
I wish you could talk to him so that you realize the sense of urgency of your needing to straighten out, and so that he could see that he is not the only one in his situation. I worry that the main reason he doesnt get help is that he is ashamed and thinks no one in a suit and tie is going through what he is going. You could sort of buddy up...
Have you talked to your wife about your fears, have you told her you feel like it s getting out of control? My husband continues to deny there is any problem but I wonder if he just denies it to me or if he seriously doesnt see this as a problem.
Im glad you came on this sight and I hope to hear news from you soon. I am sure you will get better and pull yourself out.
Best of luck - I will be thinking of you.
leader, this is just a suggestion that came to mind. while i understand that you are primarily concerned with cocaine addiction issues, recovery from many of the various substances is essentially the same process. once detoxed, for the most part, recovery is recovery.
that said, you might find it beneficial to read through posts by a guy named AugustWest 2004 over on the Marijuana board of this website. August is a CPA and a tax lawyer who is 15 years clean from marijuana and other drugs. He's an experienced hand at recovery and shares very, very well and openly. this is just a thought while you are spending time sorting out "where you go from here."
i have some other thoughts to share with you when i have more time. and if you have questions that you think we can help with, please ask them.
by the way, most AA or NA or CA meetings have a wide variety of people from all walks of life attending and participating. you are not alone in the struggle that you are facing with this disease. and others are more than willing to help you if you are serious about wanting to help yourself.
later.
Good Evening....
SO far so good..... Specnding a lot of time with the family this weekend.
I will get back with ya'll tomorrow but I just wanted to say.....I am still clean of coke 4 days and running.
I will be back to post tomorrow.
L
Thank You so much for the suggestion & commnets
SO far so good..... Specnding a lot of time with the family this weekend.
I will get back with ya'll tomorrow but I just wanted to say.....I am still clean of coke 4 days and running.
I will be back to post tomorrow.
L
Thank You so much for the suggestion & commnets
Hello,
I have been keeping up with your post. You seem very serious about making the changes necessary to start on the road to recovery. I can see that you have already gotten responses and support from several people. They are wise and well equipped to help you deal with addiction. I hope you will continue to use this post every day as a resource.
You can't do it alone. It is a process and it takes living one day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour one
I have been keeping up with your post. You seem very serious about making the changes necessary to start on the road to recovery. I can see that you have already gotten responses and support from several people. They are wise and well equipped to help you deal with addiction. I hope you will continue to use this post every day as a resource.
You can't do it alone. It is a process and it takes living one day at a time, sometimes even 1 hour one
or one minute at time. I wish you all the best for you and your family.
Keep coming back.
Judy
Keep coming back.
Judy
I am reading as much information on this site as I have ever seen. As a person who has posted on Sports Message Boards for a few years I am very comfortable in the setting and forum. That is unusual to me when the dialog is the subject we are talking about. Even when I have been in counseling sessions I have trouble completely dropping my guard and exposing my problems, admitting that I am a Multi Drug Addict.
Judy - Sounds like you have been through some very tough times and I appreciate the advise, if I can help you in any way I want to. I truely do have a sense of urgency that has come over me.....today I had the chance to use, I avoided the trigger. That was a major hurdle and that was why I made a pass by excited post above. My sense of urgency comes from the reality of my situation....I either stop using of lose what I have worked so hard to accomplish, and let hundreds if not thousand of people down. I want to be responsible, make the right choices. My wife knows and is hell on wheels trying to keep me together. She can also use with me, which is weird also. But she wants it out of our lives and is not and Coke or Pill Addict.
Charley - My back is against the wall....I have to channell my energy into positive things and knock this out.
Bob B - Your right I am a Multi Drug Addict, the coke causes the most problems but they all tie together except on legal prescription. Thank You for the Advice on AugustWest 2004 I looked at some but will spend time tonight reading it all. Bob I am very serious, I have literally the chance of a lifetime if I go straight right now. I see the opportunities in front of me and I need to ditch the anchor on my ankle. Thank you for keeping up with me.
Judy - Thank You so much for your support I will keep coming back.
I had a chance to slide today and I didn't ....it was the sure deal easy score. I was proud of myself...I thought of ARG and the message board when he called.
I am proud to be a part of this forum and hope that I can contibute more and more as I get better myself.
Looking Forward,
Leader
Judy - Sounds like you have been through some very tough times and I appreciate the advise, if I can help you in any way I want to. I truely do have a sense of urgency that has come over me.....today I had the chance to use, I avoided the trigger. That was a major hurdle and that was why I made a pass by excited post above. My sense of urgency comes from the reality of my situation....I either stop using of lose what I have worked so hard to accomplish, and let hundreds if not thousand of people down. I want to be responsible, make the right choices. My wife knows and is hell on wheels trying to keep me together. She can also use with me, which is weird also. But she wants it out of our lives and is not and Coke or Pill Addict.
Charley - My back is against the wall....I have to channell my energy into positive things and knock this out.
Bob B - Your right I am a Multi Drug Addict, the coke causes the most problems but they all tie together except on legal prescription. Thank You for the Advice on AugustWest 2004 I looked at some but will spend time tonight reading it all. Bob I am very serious, I have literally the chance of a lifetime if I go straight right now. I see the opportunities in front of me and I need to ditch the anchor on my ankle. Thank you for keeping up with me.
Judy - Thank You so much for your support I will keep coming back.
I had a chance to slide today and I didn't ....it was the sure deal easy score. I was proud of myself...I thought of ARG and the message board when he called.
I am proud to be a part of this forum and hope that I can contibute more and more as I get better myself.
Looking Forward,
Leader
I am sorry where I listed Judy in the Second Paragraph I meant to say Charley.
Leade
Leade
leader, i'm really happy for you that you and your wife have taken these very positive steps. your determination and courage is showing through.
but at the same time, i have a concern for you. and i hope you know that a concern can be expressed without a need for a reply. a concern should not be taken "personally." a concern is simply stated, a concern. words for consideration by the receiver, based on observations of the deliverer.
my concern (actually there are two) is that it sounds like you are trying to go it alone (with your wife's help) and that you are relying on what has resulted in success in other areas of your life -- your will power, your drive to succeed, your ability to control and your determination and personal strength.
these very worthy attributes, while helpful, often stand in the way of recovery and long term sobriety. just mull it over some if you would -- only an observation for now.
also, if you stay with us a while, you will be a huge contributor here. thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share here. we are just a few helping a few -- and ourselves in the process.
First of all I am happy you are here but I am going to be hard on you...for your own good and the good of your children not your company!
Yeah sorry you are running the show and so am I. i run a company which holds huge personal responsibilty and I dont have a drug problem. I live with a drug addict and he is making my show pretty tough to run and If I had kids I would run like hell to a shelter I think. I Hope. I will tell you one thing. MY addict dad is the reason I deal with this addict fiance. Fine its an excuse buts it s all i know and whether you think your kids know it or not theyre picking up on your behavior. I applaud your being on this site and hope you return to see the results and hope you read mine. What you do has a huge impact on your children whether you see it or not. You cant hide it! I dont care if your shareholders catch on I care about your children. You are in serious denial and if you think they dont have a clue than you need to really wake up! Kids dont miss a trick.
My father drank and now I am with a drug addict and am miserable. Take care of your children. Forget your corporate responsibility and remember that you and your wife are running a house and have children!
YOu could have a heart attack and die like my dad and leave your children early and in distress. Work is work and family and responsibility. Get clean and if your wife wants to follow than let her. You need to set an example and raise your kids right. Tell your drug dealer to stop calling. Get a new number. Coc is not physically addicitve take turns going to rehab! Your wife is a hypocrit.
Yeah sorry you are running the show and so am I. i run a company which holds huge personal responsibilty and I dont have a drug problem. I live with a drug addict and he is making my show pretty tough to run and If I had kids I would run like hell to a shelter I think. I Hope. I will tell you one thing. MY addict dad is the reason I deal with this addict fiance. Fine its an excuse buts it s all i know and whether you think your kids know it or not theyre picking up on your behavior. I applaud your being on this site and hope you return to see the results and hope you read mine. What you do has a huge impact on your children whether you see it or not. You cant hide it! I dont care if your shareholders catch on I care about your children. You are in serious denial and if you think they dont have a clue than you need to really wake up! Kids dont miss a trick.
My father drank and now I am with a drug addict and am miserable. Take care of your children. Forget your corporate responsibility and remember that you and your wife are running a house and have children!
YOu could have a heart attack and die like my dad and leave your children early and in distress. Work is work and family and responsibility. Get clean and if your wife wants to follow than let her. You need to set an example and raise your kids right. Tell your drug dealer to stop calling. Get a new number. Coc is not physically addicitve take turns going to rehab! Your wife is a hypocrit.
Jenn,
You bring up the true heart string, failing as a father would be the worst thing I could do in my life. I must be willing to avoid drugs so I can lead by example for my child and future children.
I read you other post also and I have empathy for the situation your father left your family in. I have compassion for your feelings of hurt and resentment.
In my situation I have effected everyone and everything in my life due to my addiction. It has been a selfish thing as I believe addictions are. But I am an addict, and that is something I lied to myself about before. Living a clean life and fighting this battle day by day I can be the best father that I can be....and I will be much better clean and sober.
I am glad you were to the point in your post. Because as this thread has grown it is helping me articulate things I have been thinking......you point is the most prevalent on my mind.
Good luck in your battle, drop me a not if I can help in any way,
Looking Forward,
Leader
Another day is done.
You bring up the true heart string, failing as a father would be the worst thing I could do in my life. I must be willing to avoid drugs so I can lead by example for my child and future children.
I read you other post also and I have empathy for the situation your father left your family in. I have compassion for your feelings of hurt and resentment.
In my situation I have effected everyone and everything in my life due to my addiction. It has been a selfish thing as I believe addictions are. But I am an addict, and that is something I lied to myself about before. Living a clean life and fighting this battle day by day I can be the best father that I can be....and I will be much better clean and sober.
I am glad you were to the point in your post. Because as this thread has grown it is helping me articulate things I have been thinking......you point is the most prevalent on my mind.
Good luck in your battle, drop me a not if I can help in any way,
Looking Forward,
Leader
Another day is done.
Leader, I just read your posts - I am so thankful you are making a real effort to get clean. As a mother of a recovering heroin addict, I know the battle you are up against - I saw my daughter going through it (she has been clean since 12-14-03), but it's still day-by-day. I know your high-profile position might cause you to want to stay low, but it might be good for you to consider attending an NA meeting - I believe support is critical to the recovery process. And, given your position as a leader, who knows, in time you might be able to be instrumental in helping others face-to-face! Until then, I am glad you are here and you are doing so well - God Bless!
Leader, I understand what you are going through. I was in the same boat 6 years ago. I admire what you have accomplised so far. However I have to agree with Bob B. on this matter. As I see and relate to you're situation I fear you are on what I call a determination high. Unfortunately this high can crash and burn real quick. Don't get me wrong! I admire you're honesty and courage. I just am worried that going at this alone is not enough. I know when I was doing the same, alcohol was the biggest trigger for me after drinking I would soon see myself seeking and craving this evil drug. It has ruined alot of peoples lives and relationships with those that love them the most. I hope and pray that you find some professional help because this is a disease. I know I have to live with it every day. I wish the best for you and you're family!
Blessings
Coolbeans
Blessings
Coolbeans
Wow- I am happy my point helped you! I meant it. I wish someone could really reach me. You do need to worry about the kids not the job. Keep your rep and always get a job. Lose your kids and you can't get that back!
I would say more but I am burnt. I have an addict passed out behind me and I run a company that is demanding and involves children. (I am not an addict just worn out by one and one dead one that I can never make amends with) actually we should talk. Get a way to get in touch with me and I will contact you. Get a yahoo address.
Jen
I would say more but I am burnt. I have an addict passed out behind me and I run a company that is demanding and involves children. (I am not an addict just worn out by one and one dead one that I can never make amends with) actually we should talk. Get a way to get in touch with me and I will contact you. Get a yahoo address.
Jen