Hi, this is my first time using this message board. I am here, because I have never felt so alone and scared in my life. I don't even know where to begin.
My situation is a little long and I will have to take a while to explain all the factors involved. I apologize for the length of this post beforehand.
I will start by stating that I have been smoking daily for over a year. It began when I met my boyfriend. Prior to meeting him, I was an occasional smoker. I went through a fairly heavy period for about 2 months several years before, but had truly only dabbled before I hooked up with my boyfriend. At any rate, up until this past Saturday, our lives were intertwined around our smoking. I have a full time job (teacher, ironic, eh?), and he lives with me, is unemployed, and essentially smoked and played video games daily. He never liked going out, and really is rather antisocial. I have always been a social person, and when him and I got together, I became less social, for the simple fact that he enjoyed having me around, and I enjoyed having him to come home to.
He had been a chronic smoker for over 10 years. He also has a history of meth use, and was a "weekend" and binge user until we got together. He stopped after a few times of doing it resulting in me getting very nervous and upset.
I don't want to ramble on about him, but part of my problem with this detoxing is that I am worried about how he will be as well. He has been verbally abusive in the past, and it's fairly common for him to lose his temper and say hurtful things to me. He has been violent around my apartment and has broken things, but never has raised a hand to hit me. He has threatened to if I didn't shut up, but instead will punch a wall or break something instead.
So, for over a year, he and I lived a life of occasional strife from his moods, but mostly it was a laid-back life where he played his video games, and when I was home, I cleaned, cooked, wrote short stories, read, and every few hours, I smoked with him. We smoked several times a time. Of course I smoked more when I was not working or on the weekends. Our use averaged at a half ounce per week. It was costing us 300 dollars per month, approx.
Friday afternoon we were down to stems and seeds, and he called our dealer. Upon learning that it would more than likely be a few days before "the man" had anymore, I began to panic. It was not so much for me, but I panicked because I heard horror stories from his mother about how he was when he didn't have any. I too had seen his aggression and irritation when we would run short and almost not be able to get any. I never saw him go longer than 24 hours without smoking, and the two times I did, were terrible.
To make a long story short, he was relatively calm (though much more aloof and quiet than usual) for two days after learning we could not get any more. The last time he smoked was Saturday morning. There was a small amount left, and he insisted on saving it for me. It was against my better judgement, because at the time I thought that I would not be the one with the problem. Ironically, it was not the case.
By Saturday afternoon, after going 5 hours or so without smoking more, I began to feel very depressed and developed a horrendous headache. I didn't have an appetite. I atttributed my feelings to worry over how my boyfriend was going to react. (Yes, his moods in the past have caused me to walk on eggshells.)
By Saturday evening, he was insisting that I take the last bong hit. This was against my wishes, as I wanted him to have it, but again he was calm, and even sweet to me. He was staying to himself, but was very polite and caring when he did interact with me. After basically spending a good part of the day in bed, he brought the bong over to me and demanded I smoke.
Yes, I felt better.
That was Saturday night. All was well with us except for him having one major blow out with me about 4am that resulted in him locking me out on our balcony and telling me to "think about what I did wrong to piss him off". He then stated he was leaving me because if he stayed, he would "break my neck". Eventually he calmed down and went to bed. By Sunday morning he was fine. He acted like the outburst never happened. In all fairness, he has had MANY outbursts of anger like that, and they usually blow over like a bad storm.
Sunday all day I was ill though. Between being upset by the outburst the night before, and still worrying about him, and then adding on the fact that I was having withdrawal symptons, it's been hell. My boyfriend kept telling me that I was "just detoxing" and would be okay. He was so calm about it. I should add that I figured it would be a short them detox, because I was still under the impression that we would get more as soon as "the man" had more. (within a few days) Around 4:30pm Sunday afternoon, I knew he was going to call to see what was up with the herb situation. He had said that he would call "the man" on Sunday
He comes out to the balcony and calmly states that he was done with pot, and that he would not be calling "Joe". For the first time, I felt myself truly panic. It was a combination of feeling like s***, worrying about how the upcoming days with him detoxing would be, and simply NOT WANTING to quit. Sure, I know it was not healthy, but I enjoyed it. I am not ashamed to say that I enjoyed it. I feel like he pulled the rug out from under me. In short, I went against his wishes to see "Joe", who still was out, but gave me a nugget. My boyfriend seemed disgusted that I went, and said he would not smoke it. I told him I would not either, and if he was serious about detoxing, I would go along with him and support him. I believe that despite how much I love it, it would be WRONG AND CRUEL of me to continue to smoke while he makes an honest effort to kick.
Unfortunately he insisted that I smoke, and even loaded up the bong for me, and kept badgering me to smoke--stating--"If you just taper off, you will feel better. Your headache will leave and your appetite will return."
Where I am right now is that I still feel s***. I am full of anxiety about how he will be in the upcoming days. I am not worried about myself, because I can deal with the headaches and irritability. I am a woman and get pms. This feels pretty much the same. I have the crying jags, feelings of hopelessness, and loss of self confidence just as I do when I get pms. The only difference is that I feel like my life will be so empty without smoking. Also, my relationship with my boyfriend has centered around our use, in one way or another. I am so afraid of losing him if we no longer smoke. Will it be possible to get through this in one piece--and still be a couple?
He claims he feels "fine". As of Sunday night at 10pm, he seemed fine. He hadn't eatten all day though, and that was the only side effect. He said his mood was "as good as could be expected". I can see that he was making an effort to stay to himself and not take his feelings out on me.
I guess I need to know how much worse this may get. How do I get over feeling like my life is pointless. My boyfriend summed up my feelings yesterday by stating--"I know how you feel. You feel like your life is pointless now, and that you want to be high because you don't like sobriety." He's right. I don't like NOT being stoned. I like knowing I have someting to help me chill me out. However, I do believe I could get over the side effects and enjoy sobriety if I knew he would be okay. I think I have tied in marijuana detoxication with losing my boyfriend, as irrational as that may sound. If it was just me, by myself, it would not be an issue.
I could use some non-biased, non-cruel advice.
hi there- i'd like to help you by suggesting you read thru all the old posts. there is much there. i think you will see you are not alone. i myself have been a member her for a long time. took awhile, now currently into 3 months clean... best i can suggest to you read, read and please post again... good luck:) jojo
Our situations are somewhat similar. My boyfriend of 4 years has used for 20+ years and I started using with him after we moved in together three years ago. I was using during nursing school and now that I am working as a new nurse I am really coming to a crossroad with this. I put my foot down with him that we need to stop, for the millionth time last Wednesday, and along with my new stressful job I am feeling the effects of not smoking, lots of anxiety and agitation. I am also realizing how much in denial my boyfriend is in and he too, although won't admit it, is withdrawling and feeling agitated. I don't like what we have become, antisocial, couch potatoes and just plain dumb. That's why they call it DOPE!! and I really feel like one. It has been like a vicious merri-go-round and I have never been able to grasp the ring to freedom. He really is trying to support me but at the same time is not recognizing the effects it has on him as a chronic user. I am coming to realize that if he wants to continue in the future it may have to be without me. I don't want it in my life anymore. This is a difficult time for all of us. Hang in there, I am realizing none of us are alone in this!!
Ok first I want to state that if you do stay off the pot you will eventually feel better but it does take awhile. Some say a month, some say a month for every year you used. I have horrible withdrawl symptoms too & no its not easy to stay clean. It is worth it though because life is better when your not lost in a cloud of smoke. I know how good sobriety can be & thats why I keep striving for it.
As for your boyfriend, I am afraid to say you are WAY to focused on him. He is abusive & sounds like he could be dangerous but you are ignoring all this. I know in your heart you know that the right thing for you to do is probably to leave him. You could lose everything you have worked so hard for if you don't kick this habit. Do it now before years go by & then its ingrained in your everyday life. You say that this is only an issue because of him but from what your saying it sounds like your pushing all your addiction onto him. You will go through the same withdrawls whether he is with you or not.
As for your boyfriend, I am afraid to say you are WAY to focused on him. He is abusive & sounds like he could be dangerous but you are ignoring all this. I know in your heart you know that the right thing for you to do is probably to leave him. You could lose everything you have worked so hard for if you don't kick this habit. Do it now before years go by & then its ingrained in your everyday life. You say that this is only an issue because of him but from what your saying it sounds like your pushing all your addiction onto him. You will go through the same withdrawls whether he is with you or not.
JoJo: Thank you for your words. I will read through the previous posts.
Sleepless in the Rain: Thank you for your heartfelt response. Our situations are very similar. I commend your courage and strength. I am not as strong right now. Yesterday was a very rough day. After I posted here, I went home and my boyfriend was in a deep depression. He was making dinner, and when I asked him if he wanted to call "the man" (a big mistake on my part, I know!), he lost it---refused to finish making dinner, called me every name in the book, and went into a long tyrade about how everyone takes from him and never gives him anything, and that everything he's given me, I have taken (an oxymoron). He was simply having a horrendous day and my stupid question sparked a battle. I know I set him off, but when I came home and saw him cooking dinner like a zombie with deep shadows under his eyes, I really was concerned. The thing is, I really feel he is quitting for the WRONG reasons. He confirmed this last night after he calmed down and said that he was quitting because of the money. He is not working and really wants to do his part. I know he blames himself for my smoking, even though I smoked sporatically before. In short, we alternated between verbal battle and conversation for almost the whole night. He finally said that he knew I was mad at him for saying that he was done with smoking, because he knew I Didn't want to quit. I told him that he was right. I was mad at him, and yes, I know it was irrational. I am not so much mad about having to quit something that I enjoy, but I am angry that the process of quitting is going to create tension and stress that I dont' need. He's bad enough when he's high and he gets into an uproar---put him without weed, and the uproars happen more and more, without my being able to prevent them.
Anyway, I felt bad admitting that I was mad, and I felt bad telling him that I still wanted to smoke. However, I explained to him that he has always wanted honesty from me, and i would be lying if I say that I want to quit for the same reasons that he wants to quit. It would be a lie. We don't lie to each other.
He alternated between understanding what I said and then being enraged with me. When I kept insisting that he always wanted the truth, he calmed down.
The end result was that he said that he was going to "put his foot down" and that I would smoke and he would not. Case closed. He was adamant about it, and said that he couldn't handle me when I wasn't smoking, because my withdrawal was bothering him too much. I can only imagine how hard it is for him, and then having to deal with me as well. I felt so bad. I told him that I didn't want to do that....I felt wrong. It just seems so cruel to continue smoking and not respect his decision. He, of course, with his bravado and hatred of "psycho-babble", said that he is not like anyone else on this earth and has more will power than that. So, we had left it at that. I just told him that I wanted everything back to normal, when we weren't fighting, and he wasn't so depressed and wasn't saying how "The old Shaun is dead" and "I am just a shell" (all things that he was saying yesterday that made me feel very worried about him.)
About an hour later he came outside and told me that I "won". He would smoke again----"Forget saving you money, I will smoke MORE". So, before bed he took the last hit of what we had. His mood seemed to perk up, and as bad as I felt that I had done the worst thing to him that I ever could have done, I couldn't help but feel a little relieved that maybe life would get back to normal. He was joking again. We were watching a movie. He seemed happy. He managed to eat a small amount of food. He had gone three days without eating anything except a half of box of Nerds! I am horrible to say that I want the normalcy back, because the normalcy was not functional--but Damn it, it was OUR normalcy, and I wasn't crying every few hours, and we weren't constantly fighting like we are now. I feel like I am on a teeter-totter---up and down---up and down.
Lastly, I went to sleep, thinking everything was okay in its dysfunctional way, and rested better until I woke up to him coming to bed and telling me- "I really am done with Pot this time."
So, I will honor the promise that I told him in the midst of our fight last night: I will respect his privacy, and will be there if he needs me, but will stay away from him so that I don't set him off. I will go through the withdrawal alone, since he has no patience for my feelings.
I just feel like I am on a see-saw. Up and down. I am exhausted.
The irony is, the "man" is out anyway, and might be out for a few more days.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Am I wrong if I smoke and he doesn't? I know I am. I don't know why I am asking.
I feel so terrible now.
Sleepless in the Rain: Thank you for your heartfelt response. Our situations are very similar. I commend your courage and strength. I am not as strong right now. Yesterday was a very rough day. After I posted here, I went home and my boyfriend was in a deep depression. He was making dinner, and when I asked him if he wanted to call "the man" (a big mistake on my part, I know!), he lost it---refused to finish making dinner, called me every name in the book, and went into a long tyrade about how everyone takes from him and never gives him anything, and that everything he's given me, I have taken (an oxymoron). He was simply having a horrendous day and my stupid question sparked a battle. I know I set him off, but when I came home and saw him cooking dinner like a zombie with deep shadows under his eyes, I really was concerned. The thing is, I really feel he is quitting for the WRONG reasons. He confirmed this last night after he calmed down and said that he was quitting because of the money. He is not working and really wants to do his part. I know he blames himself for my smoking, even though I smoked sporatically before. In short, we alternated between verbal battle and conversation for almost the whole night. He finally said that he knew I was mad at him for saying that he was done with smoking, because he knew I Didn't want to quit. I told him that he was right. I was mad at him, and yes, I know it was irrational. I am not so much mad about having to quit something that I enjoy, but I am angry that the process of quitting is going to create tension and stress that I dont' need. He's bad enough when he's high and he gets into an uproar---put him without weed, and the uproars happen more and more, without my being able to prevent them.
Anyway, I felt bad admitting that I was mad, and I felt bad telling him that I still wanted to smoke. However, I explained to him that he has always wanted honesty from me, and i would be lying if I say that I want to quit for the same reasons that he wants to quit. It would be a lie. We don't lie to each other.
He alternated between understanding what I said and then being enraged with me. When I kept insisting that he always wanted the truth, he calmed down.
The end result was that he said that he was going to "put his foot down" and that I would smoke and he would not. Case closed. He was adamant about it, and said that he couldn't handle me when I wasn't smoking, because my withdrawal was bothering him too much. I can only imagine how hard it is for him, and then having to deal with me as well. I felt so bad. I told him that I didn't want to do that....I felt wrong. It just seems so cruel to continue smoking and not respect his decision. He, of course, with his bravado and hatred of "psycho-babble", said that he is not like anyone else on this earth and has more will power than that. So, we had left it at that. I just told him that I wanted everything back to normal, when we weren't fighting, and he wasn't so depressed and wasn't saying how "The old Shaun is dead" and "I am just a shell" (all things that he was saying yesterday that made me feel very worried about him.)
About an hour later he came outside and told me that I "won". He would smoke again----"Forget saving you money, I will smoke MORE". So, before bed he took the last hit of what we had. His mood seemed to perk up, and as bad as I felt that I had done the worst thing to him that I ever could have done, I couldn't help but feel a little relieved that maybe life would get back to normal. He was joking again. We were watching a movie. He seemed happy. He managed to eat a small amount of food. He had gone three days without eating anything except a half of box of Nerds! I am horrible to say that I want the normalcy back, because the normalcy was not functional--but Damn it, it was OUR normalcy, and I wasn't crying every few hours, and we weren't constantly fighting like we are now. I feel like I am on a teeter-totter---up and down---up and down.
Lastly, I went to sleep, thinking everything was okay in its dysfunctional way, and rested better until I woke up to him coming to bed and telling me- "I really am done with Pot this time."
So, I will honor the promise that I told him in the midst of our fight last night: I will respect his privacy, and will be there if he needs me, but will stay away from him so that I don't set him off. I will go through the withdrawal alone, since he has no patience for my feelings.
I just feel like I am on a see-saw. Up and down. I am exhausted.
The irony is, the "man" is out anyway, and might be out for a few more days.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Am I wrong if I smoke and he doesn't? I know I am. I don't know why I am asking.
I feel so terrible now.
And_Everything_after: You are right. I know I am pushing my addiction on to him. I making it all about him. I know why I am doing it too. It's because I really don't want to quit. I liked my life the way it was. Yes, I smoked more after he and I got together, but I enjoyed it. He never twisted my arm. In fact, I really feel that he blames himself.
There's so much to our history. Yes, he is abusive (verbally). I overlook a lot because I know where he has come from. He lived through brutal abuse at the hands of his father.....his family is full of addicts and convicts. His own mother used to buy him Meth just because it made him "happy". She even argued with him when he quit--stating--"I wish I had known that before I bought you some more."
He spent two years straight doing acid almost daily. I am sure that didn't help the chemical balance of his brain.
In a roundabout way I am saying that I have stuck by him because I seen the real man through the pain and anger. When he gets angry, I know it's not at me. He has told me time and time again that when he is angry, it's not at me, and to not take it personal--and that I am the closest person in his life, and so it's natural to come out on me. I know that's not fair, and it's so hard to not personalize the rage.
I know that to the naked eye it looks like I am a doormat, and I know I am....but there's more to it. He's not a monster. Last night, at the height of his rage, I asked him why he could not have compassion for me---he shouted--"Compassion, sympathy, love---all of that is for weaklings."
He has been with me a year and can't say "I love you". He says he doesn't love me, and doesn't love anyone. His own mother told me that he was 14 before he ever said the words to her. I know he cares for me as much as he possibly can though. There have been times when I have seen the side of him that tells me that my gut is right.
Last night he also said that he doesn't love himself--and that's why he can't love anyone else.
I think that not smoking has made him very introspective, and the depression is a lot for him to handle. He is feeling for the first time. My reasons for smoking were truly not to "get away from reality"--at least, at first it wasn't. At first I did it because I enjoyed it. However, he has always said that he smokes so that he doesn't kill someone. He has used pot as a buffer for his emotions. His withdrawal is bound to be worse for him. that's why I am scared.
I am sorry for sounding so convoluted and messed up. It's about me, but it's also about him. I can't imagine making such a decision without it having an effect on the both of us.
As for me--I can honestly handle anything the world throws at me as long as he is happy. Yes, that's wrong to live for another person, but that's the way I am, and I can't afford the therapy to fix it. LOL
There's so much to our history. Yes, he is abusive (verbally). I overlook a lot because I know where he has come from. He lived through brutal abuse at the hands of his father.....his family is full of addicts and convicts. His own mother used to buy him Meth just because it made him "happy". She even argued with him when he quit--stating--"I wish I had known that before I bought you some more."
He spent two years straight doing acid almost daily. I am sure that didn't help the chemical balance of his brain.
In a roundabout way I am saying that I have stuck by him because I seen the real man through the pain and anger. When he gets angry, I know it's not at me. He has told me time and time again that when he is angry, it's not at me, and to not take it personal--and that I am the closest person in his life, and so it's natural to come out on me. I know that's not fair, and it's so hard to not personalize the rage.
I know that to the naked eye it looks like I am a doormat, and I know I am....but there's more to it. He's not a monster. Last night, at the height of his rage, I asked him why he could not have compassion for me---he shouted--"Compassion, sympathy, love---all of that is for weaklings."
He has been with me a year and can't say "I love you". He says he doesn't love me, and doesn't love anyone. His own mother told me that he was 14 before he ever said the words to her. I know he cares for me as much as he possibly can though. There have been times when I have seen the side of him that tells me that my gut is right.
Last night he also said that he doesn't love himself--and that's why he can't love anyone else.
I think that not smoking has made him very introspective, and the depression is a lot for him to handle. He is feeling for the first time. My reasons for smoking were truly not to "get away from reality"--at least, at first it wasn't. At first I did it because I enjoyed it. However, he has always said that he smokes so that he doesn't kill someone. He has used pot as a buffer for his emotions. His withdrawal is bound to be worse for him. that's why I am scared.
I am sorry for sounding so convoluted and messed up. It's about me, but it's also about him. I can't imagine making such a decision without it having an effect on the both of us.
As for me--I can honestly handle anything the world throws at me as long as he is happy. Yes, that's wrong to live for another person, but that's the way I am, and I can't afford the therapy to fix it. LOL
Save yourself first. I just want to hug you!! Do you have any resources in your area to seek counseling for yourself? I go to counseling and was told I need to worry about myself first, then if the pieces of the puzzle don't fit in my relationship I will make a change. If you can find someone to connect with outside of your home situation that can guide you and help you dig deep to find yourself and what you really want and need in this life without the "chronic" you will be empowered. Stop blaming yourself for his problems, it sounds like he is minipulating you and breaking your spirit. We all deserve better than that, even your boyfriend. I do the same thing, I beat myself up all the time for things I have no control over and I am learning that it is negative energy I just don't need to waste. Last week when we smoked the last of what we had, I went to see my counselor the next day(hadn't seen her in almost a year)I admitted that I was afraid of missing getting stoned. Truth is I am already feeling better about the energy I am getting back and I want to reconnect with friends and go do things outside of our home. I am lucky that my boyfriend is willing to put the "chronic" aside and I hope it will be permanent. He has a much longer history of use than I and if he goes back to using and I am strong enough not to fall back into it, it may lead to break up, but I am willing to take the chance and he is aware of my feelings. I understand it is hard for you, please try and find someone to help. You will be in my thoughts.
I agree SAVE YOURSELF FIRST!!! This man is not your husband & he doesnt even admit he loves you so what exactly are you sticking around for. I do think you should help him & support him now that he has decided to take such a HUGE step. All of us ladies here who have husbands & boyfreinds who use just want alittle support in the quitting department. I know that is what your boyfriend wants from you & you should be proud of him for wanting to be a better man for you. I wish you could see that this is a good thing. It almost seems like you are excusing his drug use because it keeps his mood somewhat stable but that is all it is, an excuse. He will get his feet on solid ground if he can beat this & you should be right by his side. This is something you BOTH need & maybe it will bring you both closer together if you can beat this addiction together. Lots of us are sitting here wanting to quit but we have it in our face all the time because our men won't even try quitting, consider yourself lucky. Maybe your right & deep down he is a great m,an but you only pushing him to just use again is an easy & lazy way out. You are not going to get the best of him as long as you do that. Support him & before you know it his outburst could be a thing of the past. It struck me also that you critisize his mother for buying him more meth & her remark but you are essentially doing the same thing. You want him to keep using just to (maybe) keep the peace but I know deep inside this is your addiction rationalizing your use. I hope you can find the strength to help both of you out of this hole & I believe you can do. Remember count your blessings that he is open to a life without drugs. That is such an amzing thing after all hes been through. Like I said he may just turn out to be the man of your dreams but thats not going to happen if you don't support his decision. Some other woman will benefit from his sobriety & I know you don't want that. Hang in there! Many hugs!!
aea
aea
Yes, you are right. There's a great contradiction towards my statement about wanting him to keep smoking, and then condemning his mother for supplying the meth. In my defense, I will say that I believe that marijuana is NOT as dangerous as meth. Is it habit-forming and destructive? Yes. Is it mind-numbing and an escape from reality? Yes. It could easily be argued that it is as dangerous as meth, but I simply don't see the physical dangers of pot use as I see with Meth. That was my only issue. Meth use can create even bigger problems than turning into a couch potato and eatting too much junk food. Sure, pot has the potential to be just as detrimental, but there are obviously more overt risks with Meth use.
However, you really helped me with your statement. I never saw the obvious parallel between my statement about his mother and about my hopes for him to keep smoking. It's not fair to him. I need to let him be who he is, without the weed. How dare I insist that he numbs himself. No wonder he feels like he's nothing now, and is completely and entirely a "shell". It certainly doesn't help that his own girlfriend and his mother think that he's unable to cope with reality sober.
It's selfish on my part, and yes, it is for me to keep the status quo, because I enjoyed the smoking. It's also to keep the peace. As for a rationale on my part to keep smoking---absolutely! I will call it as it is.
I had already planned to come home today and not mention marijuana again. I am not going to push to smoke for myself, will certainly not push him to smoke, and if he mentions my needing to smoke, I will refuse to. If I am irritating him to the point where he can't handle me going through withdrawal, I will go into another room and leave him alone. That's the only thing I can think of doing that will save this relationship.
I don't want to lose him to another woman who will benefit from him--sober or not----I love the man.
I felt horrible when he smoked last night. It didn't feel right to me. Yet, the strife and him saying such horrendous about myself and himself was horrible too. I just couldn't deal with reality the way it was. The rational voice was overpowered by the need for peace and balance. I was so keyed up inside. I am not making excuses, but having withdrawal anxiety, feeling terrible, having a very stressful day at work--(I teach middle school)---just didn't help. That's my fault though, and I need to work through that. We all have stress. There are enough people in the world who cope without being high.
I suppose this whole thing has been an eye opener to me. Up until a few days ago when he decided to quit, I never saw the error in our actions. I worried about him being on the computer so much and not socializing, but it's been a year and I have grown used to it.
The only thing I can do now is just ride it out and hope that the withdrawal process doesn't tear us apart. you see, I worry so much about losing him during this process. I don't want him to be so angry from withdrawal that I will set him off with something really little and silly, and he ends up walking out the door. That's the real root of my fear: losing him.
However, you really helped me with your statement. I never saw the obvious parallel between my statement about his mother and about my hopes for him to keep smoking. It's not fair to him. I need to let him be who he is, without the weed. How dare I insist that he numbs himself. No wonder he feels like he's nothing now, and is completely and entirely a "shell". It certainly doesn't help that his own girlfriend and his mother think that he's unable to cope with reality sober.
It's selfish on my part, and yes, it is for me to keep the status quo, because I enjoyed the smoking. It's also to keep the peace. As for a rationale on my part to keep smoking---absolutely! I will call it as it is.
I had already planned to come home today and not mention marijuana again. I am not going to push to smoke for myself, will certainly not push him to smoke, and if he mentions my needing to smoke, I will refuse to. If I am irritating him to the point where he can't handle me going through withdrawal, I will go into another room and leave him alone. That's the only thing I can think of doing that will save this relationship.
I don't want to lose him to another woman who will benefit from him--sober or not----I love the man.
I felt horrible when he smoked last night. It didn't feel right to me. Yet, the strife and him saying such horrendous about myself and himself was horrible too. I just couldn't deal with reality the way it was. The rational voice was overpowered by the need for peace and balance. I was so keyed up inside. I am not making excuses, but having withdrawal anxiety, feeling terrible, having a very stressful day at work--(I teach middle school)---just didn't help. That's my fault though, and I need to work through that. We all have stress. There are enough people in the world who cope without being high.
I suppose this whole thing has been an eye opener to me. Up until a few days ago when he decided to quit, I never saw the error in our actions. I worried about him being on the computer so much and not socializing, but it's been a year and I have grown used to it.
The only thing I can do now is just ride it out and hope that the withdrawal process doesn't tear us apart. you see, I worry so much about losing him during this process. I don't want him to be so angry from withdrawal that I will set him off with something really little and silly, and he ends up walking out the door. That's the real root of my fear: losing him.
Sleepless:
Thank you for your kind words. I really feel blessed to have found this message board at one of the most difficult times in my life. Last night, when he and I were battling, and I felt myself wishing for that bong hit that would just make everything seem so surreal and far away. Looking back now, I see that whenever we fought--whether his fault or my own--we would both smoke, and before too long, both of us were too stoned to care/remember and even pursue the topic again. I guess when things are tough and you are facing them head on, without that high to keep you mellow, it makes things seem so much more real and acute.
A long time ago I was in love with a heroin addict. He got himself into rehab and cleaned himself up for the most part. He commited suicide two years ago sadly. I did learn a valuable lesson from him though. A person can not quit any drug--whether heroin, nicotine, pot---or even food--without wanting to quit---and not wanting to quit for others--but for yourself. When he relapsed time and time again, he would say that he had not hit bottom yet--and that he didn't want to kick yet. He was trying to kick because he felt it was what he SHOULD do....
Eventually he wanted to kick for himself..and he did. Then, he ended up hanging himself in his apartment because he couldn't adapt to the sober world. Maybe, in the back of my mind, this plays a part in my feelings towards my boyfriend. I equate sobriety with losing someone---whether physical or mental.
This time in my life is so tough right now....My father is dying..my stepmother (who is like my second mother) is very ill with empysema and lupus...my mother has clogged arteries and not doing well at all. I am an only child. I live in a "bedroom" community in a part of florida where very little culture exists. I miss living in England. I spent five years of my life living in England. I moved to Florida because the situation with my ex was haunting me to a point where I had to get away. I grew up in Florida, so it was safe ground. I met my boyfriend in September of last year, right after my father and stepmother moved back to Pennsylvania. My mother remains in the area, but our relationship is strained. She has her own mental issues. So, my boyfriend became my anchor. For once in my life I wasn't ready to throw in the towel when things got tough and I didn't like an area--I learned to have staying power and not run when things got tough. I have very low self esteem and have struggled for years with anoerxia and bulemia. My boyfriend was five years younger than I was...very cute, and I couldn't imagine him being with someone like me. It just felt right. Our life, as dysfunctional as it may be--with the pot-and possibly now--without pot--is all I have, and all I really want. That's why I am still there.
That's why I put up with him saying that he can't say "I love you". he did say it once, but then said he was joking--but deep down I know he feels something.
When I have had other boyfriends say that they love me and contradict it with actions, and then I have my current boyfriend NOT say those three words, but show more love towards me than other boyfriends have, I feel gratification. It's not always horrible with him.
As for having someone to talk to outside of my home, I don't. I work in a conservative part of Florida---I wouldn't dare breathe a word of this to anyone. In fact, I am now in trouble for shouting at a student yesterday. I NEVER would have done that if I hadn't been pushed to the brink. I know that's an excuse, but it's a fact. I feel like I have all this pressure on me, and I am not ALLOWED to express my emotions. My boyfriend suppresses me. Tells me I am a baby when I cry....I can't go off at work.
What the hell can I do?
:)
Thanks for listening.
I really do appreciate it.
You have both been life lines.
Thank you for your kind words. I really feel blessed to have found this message board at one of the most difficult times in my life. Last night, when he and I were battling, and I felt myself wishing for that bong hit that would just make everything seem so surreal and far away. Looking back now, I see that whenever we fought--whether his fault or my own--we would both smoke, and before too long, both of us were too stoned to care/remember and even pursue the topic again. I guess when things are tough and you are facing them head on, without that high to keep you mellow, it makes things seem so much more real and acute.
A long time ago I was in love with a heroin addict. He got himself into rehab and cleaned himself up for the most part. He commited suicide two years ago sadly. I did learn a valuable lesson from him though. A person can not quit any drug--whether heroin, nicotine, pot---or even food--without wanting to quit---and not wanting to quit for others--but for yourself. When he relapsed time and time again, he would say that he had not hit bottom yet--and that he didn't want to kick yet. He was trying to kick because he felt it was what he SHOULD do....
Eventually he wanted to kick for himself..and he did. Then, he ended up hanging himself in his apartment because he couldn't adapt to the sober world. Maybe, in the back of my mind, this plays a part in my feelings towards my boyfriend. I equate sobriety with losing someone---whether physical or mental.
This time in my life is so tough right now....My father is dying..my stepmother (who is like my second mother) is very ill with empysema and lupus...my mother has clogged arteries and not doing well at all. I am an only child. I live in a "bedroom" community in a part of florida where very little culture exists. I miss living in England. I spent five years of my life living in England. I moved to Florida because the situation with my ex was haunting me to a point where I had to get away. I grew up in Florida, so it was safe ground. I met my boyfriend in September of last year, right after my father and stepmother moved back to Pennsylvania. My mother remains in the area, but our relationship is strained. She has her own mental issues. So, my boyfriend became my anchor. For once in my life I wasn't ready to throw in the towel when things got tough and I didn't like an area--I learned to have staying power and not run when things got tough. I have very low self esteem and have struggled for years with anoerxia and bulemia. My boyfriend was five years younger than I was...very cute, and I couldn't imagine him being with someone like me. It just felt right. Our life, as dysfunctional as it may be--with the pot-and possibly now--without pot--is all I have, and all I really want. That's why I am still there.
That's why I put up with him saying that he can't say "I love you". he did say it once, but then said he was joking--but deep down I know he feels something.
When I have had other boyfriends say that they love me and contradict it with actions, and then I have my current boyfriend NOT say those three words, but show more love towards me than other boyfriends have, I feel gratification. It's not always horrible with him.
As for having someone to talk to outside of my home, I don't. I work in a conservative part of Florida---I wouldn't dare breathe a word of this to anyone. In fact, I am now in trouble for shouting at a student yesterday. I NEVER would have done that if I hadn't been pushed to the brink. I know that's an excuse, but it's a fact. I feel like I have all this pressure on me, and I am not ALLOWED to express my emotions. My boyfriend suppresses me. Tells me I am a baby when I cry....I can't go off at work.
What the hell can I do?
:)
Thanks for listening.
I really do appreciate it.
You have both been life lines.
This sounds so like my situation except I have not smoked weed to join him - but worse we have a child which makes leaving much harder. is it pot withdrawal that causes verbal and physical abuse or am I - really a fool ?
>but worse we have a child which makes leaving much harder. is it pot withdrawal that causes verbal and physical abuse or am I - really a fool ?
guess you figured out that pot can make you go bonkers, but don't blame it all on pot, because most of us can be bonkers even w/o our weed. congrats on realizing you have a problem and going through the withdrawal, because there certainly is a withdrawal, mostly mental but it can feel physical and there is a huge part of it that is emotional, because pot does screw with our emotions and turns us into a somewhat different person than we are off the stuff. pot isn't all terrible, of course, but who wants to be an Addict. just look around you at most of the potheads and where they are going in life. time to give it up and grow up.(no matter what your age). you will do just fine without it and it may take some time, but eventually the cravings will go away.
but i would not doubt to really get of the stuff for good you will need to "get away" from users. because for many of us, one slip and it is back to Mr or Mrs. Chronic all over again. Try to do the righ thing for yourself adn those around you. You don't have to take any drastic steps right away except to keep off the weed one day at a time. Get involved in different activties, look for opportunities and take them. BE the person you were meant to be, not a pothead, looking to make you body feel better or normal(buzzed) from one hour to the next.
i've had many many years of pot abuse, sober since august, trying to make a run at it Again. why do you think they call it the evil weed?
guess you figured out that pot can make you go bonkers, but don't blame it all on pot, because most of us can be bonkers even w/o our weed. congrats on realizing you have a problem and going through the withdrawal, because there certainly is a withdrawal, mostly mental but it can feel physical and there is a huge part of it that is emotional, because pot does screw with our emotions and turns us into a somewhat different person than we are off the stuff. pot isn't all terrible, of course, but who wants to be an Addict. just look around you at most of the potheads and where they are going in life. time to give it up and grow up.(no matter what your age). you will do just fine without it and it may take some time, but eventually the cravings will go away.
but i would not doubt to really get of the stuff for good you will need to "get away" from users. because for many of us, one slip and it is back to Mr or Mrs. Chronic all over again. Try to do the righ thing for yourself adn those around you. You don't have to take any drastic steps right away except to keep off the weed one day at a time. Get involved in different activties, look for opportunities and take them. BE the person you were meant to be, not a pothead, looking to make you body feel better or normal(buzzed) from one hour to the next.
i've had many many years of pot abuse, sober since august, trying to make a run at it Again. why do you think they call it the evil weed?
hey hc- that's a great post. and i really needed that one. i've slipped and i just can't get back on track.... it IS evil weed.... i have to find a way to put it away again... this time it seems extra hard...your post helped. wanted you to know that.
jojo
jojo
lloydmetcalf@yahoo.com
I know exactly where you are at. I quit smoking 1 year ago almost to the date. it has been a wild ride. at first i actually was high an the feeling of not getting high. then the bordem set in. then i pushed through. realized that i used pot to deal with life in a pretty productive way. i used it for motivation to work 50 hour weeks. used it to deal with complcate situtations, i'm a superintindent on a construction site(middle management). when i quit smoking i had to learn how to do normal day to day coping mehcanisms naturally. which is totally against m personality. i realized that i could not blame my shortcomings on marijuana. which was the hardest part. i am the only one responsible for my problems, not the drug. i still think that marijuana is a wonderfull thing, so many good benifits from this wonderfull herb. Omly problem is that i have a problem with habitual abuse, like you.
so my point is that ganja is not the problem, it is how you and your boyfriend use it that is the problem. ita is the way that i used marijuana that was the problem, snd still is. because i love the benifits of smoking pot, i jusst can't control myself and that is the problem. that is what took a long time to figure out. and that is what sux the most about this journey. i hope somday i will learn to control this obsessive, compulsive demon inside me and can smoke responsibly and enjoy the benifits of this wonderfull plant like a human being, instead of like the monster i was before, and stilll am.
I know exactly where you are at. I quit smoking 1 year ago almost to the date. it has been a wild ride. at first i actually was high an the feeling of not getting high. then the bordem set in. then i pushed through. realized that i used pot to deal with life in a pretty productive way. i used it for motivation to work 50 hour weeks. used it to deal with complcate situtations, i'm a superintindent on a construction site(middle management). when i quit smoking i had to learn how to do normal day to day coping mehcanisms naturally. which is totally against m personality. i realized that i could not blame my shortcomings on marijuana. which was the hardest part. i am the only one responsible for my problems, not the drug. i still think that marijuana is a wonderfull thing, so many good benifits from this wonderfull herb. Omly problem is that i have a problem with habitual abuse, like you.
so my point is that ganja is not the problem, it is how you and your boyfriend use it that is the problem. ita is the way that i used marijuana that was the problem, snd still is. because i love the benifits of smoking pot, i jusst can't control myself and that is the problem. that is what took a long time to figure out. and that is what sux the most about this journey. i hope somday i will learn to control this obsessive, compulsive demon inside me and can smoke responsibly and enjoy the benifits of this wonderfull plant like a human being, instead of like the monster i was before, and stilll am.
i'm a totally with you chopper. it is not the worst thing and there are some benefits, to start, but then, I become a monster chronic and it is a High to be off it at first, then some boredom. I am off it 7 months and i feel pretty good about being off, nice, no worries, not spending a couple hundred a month on it. i don't think it would benefit my life to be on it, only thing is i get a feeling that i would like to have my stash and take a walk in my woods and forget about life, and crawl in my little hole that pot puts me in.
but the groundhog is out, i am more creative in my life than ever, i am meeting new people and interacting more than ever, that is what life is all about!
but the groundhog is out, i am more creative in my life than ever, i am meeting new people and interacting more than ever, that is what life is all about!
Yes think that everyones addictions are like going down in a lift or elevator. You have to decide how far down you go before you get off and start to make the difficult accent up via the stairs. But remenber that the lift can be exited from every floor so its never too late.
