Same old story...different day, right? I don't know. When is it going to be "the" day for me? When is enough enough?
Frankly, I'm tired of being a people pleaser. I'm tired of giving a s*** about everyone else in my life and not taking care of my own needs. I'm tired of feeling like my identity is one of "Chuck's Wife"..."Adam and Brandon's Mom"..."The GOOD Daughter"......
When really, I am Just Jodi...Just an Alcoholic and an Addict....a Loser....or atleast a lost soul.
I'm tired of worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. I'm tired of trying to portray a life of being so put-together, so "normal"...when all I feel in my heart and mind is chaos and disarray.
I'm tired of working my a** off to support a family who could give two s***s about me. I'm tired of being the only one to worry about what happens tomorrow. I'm tired of living with a man who resents me and all I stand for. And I'm tired of living with a man with whom I have so many resentments against.
I'm tired of praying for the motivation to go on and yet, at the same time, praying for the courage to die.
I'm just so f***ing tired. I'm so tired. I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I don't rest. I'm tired of my whole f***ing identity being that of an addict, a victim. Self-pity and depression suck....yet they go hand-in-hand, in a way.
What the f*** do I do? I'm at my end. I really am. I don't know what to do. I've had so much advice...so many suggestions. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE f*** IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
Why can't I get it? Why can't I just do it? Can someone come here and just shake the piss out of me and make me see? Can you show me that I have alot to fight for? Because I sure as hell am tired of fighting..or even thinking about it.
I'm tired, you guys. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know what other words to use and it frustrates me. I know you are frustrated too. Because this is old. I know it's been going on with me for way too long.
I have no excuses. I know. What the f*** is my problem? Am I lazy? Am I stupid? I mean, come on. I know what I have to do. And I want it. Don't I? I must. I have to believe I must. Or I would've been gone a long time ago.
I need to just make up my mind. I need to get good and pissed and just decide that I'm going to do this or I'm going to give up.
I feel like I'm losing my head. There's got to be more out there in this world for me. If there is a god, surely he didn't have this in his plan for me, did he? If so, then what was the f***ing point? That's what I'd like to know.
i am so sorry..........
i am so glad that you got all this off your chest...
its alot to keep to yourself...jodi
what have you done as far as getting professional help..
for addiction...
have you considered sub...that may help you from getting dope sick so you can begin to change your mindset about drugs
and work on recovery.........
i dont know what to say........
i can offer you my love and my prayers..........
i wish there was somehting i could do to help you....
i dont think sub is always the answer, but for you it may help you...
i dont know....
what about meetings?
do you go?
i pray that more people post here to you and give you some good solid recovery
ideas to follow.........
i will be saying a prayer for you jodi....
and i wish i could just give you a big hug...
love
thumper
i am so glad that you got all this off your chest...
its alot to keep to yourself...jodi
what have you done as far as getting professional help..
for addiction...
have you considered sub...that may help you from getting dope sick so you can begin to change your mindset about drugs
and work on recovery.........
i dont know what to say........
i can offer you my love and my prayers..........
i wish there was somehting i could do to help you....
i dont think sub is always the answer, but for you it may help you...
i dont know....
what about meetings?
do you go?
i pray that more people post here to you and give you some good solid recovery
ideas to follow.........
i will be saying a prayer for you jodi....
and i wish i could just give you a big hug...
love
thumper
It's always good to see you, Jodi
I've shared some of those feelings in the past, so I understand.
I think it would really help if you could just take a baby step or two.
Convince yourself to go to one meeting. Make an appointment with the Dr. Gina arranged for you.
Try not to look at the big picture. It seems overwhelming when we do that.
Life can still be that way for me. I can't dwell on everything at once. I just have to pick one thing and work at that.
Most importantly, you've got to reach out to someone on a f2f level.
Hang in there, friend, it does get better.
xxxxxxoooooo
I've shared some of those feelings in the past, so I understand.
I think it would really help if you could just take a baby step or two.
Convince yourself to go to one meeting. Make an appointment with the Dr. Gina arranged for you.
Try not to look at the big picture. It seems overwhelming when we do that.
Life can still be that way for me. I can't dwell on everything at once. I just have to pick one thing and work at that.
Most importantly, you've got to reach out to someone on a f2f level.
Hang in there, friend, it does get better.
xxxxxxoooooo
Jodi
And life will continue to suck sweetie till you decide you cant go on a single second longer...cus ANYTHING, no matter WHAT else happens as a result of leaving him HAS TO BE BETTER THEN THE WAY YOU FEEL/LIVE NOW.
This is why if i grow old enough i would like to open a ranch....we could actually come and scoop you and the kids off and take you there..a safe and calm, nature filled place to be far away enough to think clearly.....
There will be horses and counselors and little rabbits and chickens for fresh eggs...dogs for the kids, activities for the kids, like joining a big family of all women ...do some chores, pitching in mucking stalls..lol.(when you start to feel better and once youve had some counselling etc...)
Wouldn't you like to go to a place like that??...
If i could come right this second.pick you and your kids off without numb-nuts knowing where your going...would you go>>>???
Its the one thing that makes me ..want to do in the future...open a Ranch like that...keep some good looking cowhands around for security sake...lol..but other then all woman...
I wish i could do that right now.
Hugs
Ali
And life will continue to suck sweetie till you decide you cant go on a single second longer...cus ANYTHING, no matter WHAT else happens as a result of leaving him HAS TO BE BETTER THEN THE WAY YOU FEEL/LIVE NOW.
This is why if i grow old enough i would like to open a ranch....we could actually come and scoop you and the kids off and take you there..a safe and calm, nature filled place to be far away enough to think clearly.....
There will be horses and counselors and little rabbits and chickens for fresh eggs...dogs for the kids, activities for the kids, like joining a big family of all women ...do some chores, pitching in mucking stalls..lol.(when you start to feel better and once youve had some counselling etc...)
Wouldn't you like to go to a place like that??...
If i could come right this second.pick you and your kids off without numb-nuts knowing where your going...would you go>>>???
Its the one thing that makes me ..want to do in the future...open a Ranch like that...keep some good looking cowhands around for security sake...lol..but other then all woman...
I wish i could do that right now.
Hugs
Ali
Jodi,
You asked for someone to shake the piss out of you, so here it goes.
It took more effort on your part to turn on the computer, log in here, type up this message than it would have taken for you to call rehab, or pitch your stash.
So many people have reached out to you, gave you wonderful advice and support, yet you do nothing. Your life is NOT going to change, until YOU do something about it. Whats it going to take Jodi? Your setting your children up for failure. Your not giving them the mother they derserve. You can make excuses all day long as to why you drink, or why you pop pills but the reality of it all, is that the only excuse you can use is your inability to do something different.
Kick the a****** out, find someone you can trust and give them temporary custody of the boys, and get you rear end to rehab. If you lose your job, thats life, you will have to find another one. No job is worth losing everything you have, and the from where I'm sitting, your on the edge of just that.
I'm not trying to be mean Jodi, really I'm not. You know that. I am just frustrated that we can't save you, and you won't do anything to save yourself. I think your a wondeful person, with so much to offer in life, but I can't help you Jodi. I wish I could. I can't even save my own father, and to see you do to your family, what he has done to mine, breaks my heart.
Michelle
You asked for someone to shake the piss out of you, so here it goes.
It took more effort on your part to turn on the computer, log in here, type up this message than it would have taken for you to call rehab, or pitch your stash.
So many people have reached out to you, gave you wonderful advice and support, yet you do nothing. Your life is NOT going to change, until YOU do something about it. Whats it going to take Jodi? Your setting your children up for failure. Your not giving them the mother they derserve. You can make excuses all day long as to why you drink, or why you pop pills but the reality of it all, is that the only excuse you can use is your inability to do something different.
Kick the a****** out, find someone you can trust and give them temporary custody of the boys, and get you rear end to rehab. If you lose your job, thats life, you will have to find another one. No job is worth losing everything you have, and the from where I'm sitting, your on the edge of just that.
I'm not trying to be mean Jodi, really I'm not. You know that. I am just frustrated that we can't save you, and you won't do anything to save yourself. I think your a wondeful person, with so much to offer in life, but I can't help you Jodi. I wish I could. I can't even save my own father, and to see you do to your family, what he has done to mine, breaks my heart.
Michelle
Jodi, I agree with the poster that asked about sub. Is it something you've considered? It will allow you to clear your head without having to deal with a drawn-out detox, at least give you enough time to figure some things out. I don't know what your use is, but from your posts it sounds like you are not able to quit the pills...that makes you a prime candidate for some sort of replacement therapy. You CAN get your soul back.
Look at it this way...if the meds don't work out, the pills and booze will still be there to go back to, so what have you got to lose?
Look at it this way...if the meds don't work out, the pills and booze will still be there to go back to, so what have you got to lose?
| QUOTE |
| I'm tired of living with a man who resents me and all I stand for. |
What is it you stand for? How does he resent you?
Jody...Boy do I realize THOSE feelings huny.For YEARS I was always (so & so)wife,& Amanda & Annes mom.We women do tend to forget that before we were wives & mothers we were & are women.Having addictions only tendsto make us feel that more.
But please Jodi STOP or at least try to stop saying your a looser.Are you not here trying?True somedays are dimonds some are stones(good & bad)but your still here your still trying.THAT tells me you are FAR from being a looser.
I feel maybe your looking too far ahead too fast,Small steps Jodi.1 hour at a time if need be.THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is that you DO keep trying.
Do you realize what a huge heart that shows?Anyone can give up.It takes GUTS to keep fighting.
I just wanted you to know this.
molly
But please Jodi STOP or at least try to stop saying your a looser.Are you not here trying?True somedays are dimonds some are stones(good & bad)but your still here your still trying.THAT tells me you are FAR from being a looser.
I feel maybe your looking too far ahead too fast,Small steps Jodi.1 hour at a time if need be.THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is that you DO keep trying.
Do you realize what a huge heart that shows?Anyone can give up.It takes GUTS to keep fighting.
I just wanted you to know this.
molly
Dear Jodi,
One of the best things I have read on here and I say to myself many times during the day - Nothing changes if nothing changes. Simple but so true.
Take care,
I am praying for you. Nice to see you back to posting.
Faith
One of the best things I have read on here and I say to myself many times during the day - Nothing changes if nothing changes. Simple but so true.
Take care,
I am praying for you. Nice to see you back to posting.
Faith
Jodi,
I know youre looking for someone either to come rescue you or shoot you in the head. Its not going to happen. Any change will have to come about because you take the first step.
I understand, truly I do, the desire for some one to come save you. I fell in the same trap myself. How well did that work out for either of us? You think the next rescuer you find is going to turn out any differently?
Please call Dr. H.
Love,
Gina
YGM
Michelle, That was a brilliant post. I love you.
I know youre looking for someone either to come rescue you or shoot you in the head. Its not going to happen. Any change will have to come about because you take the first step.
I understand, truly I do, the desire for some one to come save you. I fell in the same trap myself. How well did that work out for either of us? You think the next rescuer you find is going to turn out any differently?
Please call Dr. H.
Love,
Gina
YGM
Michelle, That was a brilliant post. I love you.
Jodi...Everytime I see you post, my heart just hurts. I think that it's time to over simplify this and Kat said it best. Baby steps right now. You are not going to get all of this figured out in one fall swoop...just go to a meeting. In the time in takes you to read this, you could be out the door and there. I know there's some good ones on Saturdays. You've got zero to loose at this point. So just go. Love, Lisa
Jodi..please...do SOMETHING!!! Break out of the circle of hell you are in. This IS a state of emergency...life and (or) death. Think about your kids, What is a FEW WEEKS IN REHAB COMPARED TO THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!No one can help you unless you take the step. Do you want help or do you want to remain a victim? Really think about that,,,maybe you don't..you are more comfortable being miserable....getting well would mean you would have to change.......either change your life or sit in this sh** eternally...what are you gonna do Jodi?I am going to detox....I have to wait until my BF is better and YES...it is an inconvenience...for Tony, my job, my pets, etc....but it IS my priority. You are not gonna break free unless you throw your entire being into it...now Jodi....What are you gonna do?Sharonn
I say go to Rehab and let Chuck worry about the kids and money.
You just have to jump. Call a place (the offer still stands if you want me to help you locate somewhere to go, and please don't say it can't work because it can. I know this from personal experience) and go. Just go.
Another option is sub. You can't drink on sub and can go to an outpatient group. You can afford pills off of the street and beer; you can afford sub.
It really helped me with the alchohol part because you can't drink on sub.
You just have to do it. I was where you are and just know that it can get better, but not until you take action.
If I can do it, you can. And it is so much better on this side, Jodi.
You just have to jump. Call a place (the offer still stands if you want me to help you locate somewhere to go, and please don't say it can't work because it can. I know this from personal experience) and go. Just go.
Another option is sub. You can't drink on sub and can go to an outpatient group. You can afford pills off of the street and beer; you can afford sub.
It really helped me with the alchohol part because you can't drink on sub.
You just have to do it. I was where you are and just know that it can get better, but not until you take action.
If I can do it, you can. And it is so much better on this side, Jodi.
justjodi, boy can i relat, ive been trying to battle this for a vary longtime, somtimes i can,t belive how fare downe, ive gone, mostly this last few years, my hubby and i walk around with resentments, almost everday, we are booth in recovory, so somtimes it makes it, harder, i have asked myself the same qustion, im i ever going to get it, i had soberrty, for 10 ful years, went to my mettings everday, for 2years, strat, then i got hurt at work, and that was it, ive strugeld evrday since, this past year, i have trun to wine our smooking pot, if i did not have the oxys, when they say it, gets woers, evertime you relaps, i belive it, i don,t now if you have ever, gone to rehabe, but it will help you so mush, if you could just get up, the strangth to go, i always feel better after mettings, then you see your not alone in how you feel, i will lesten better to another addict, then i will my famile, i truly can understand were your coming from, evertime my hubby, and i get into a fight, its the resentments just come flying out, its easyer to look at someone else, then look at ourselfs, im suer your hubby is no saint, you are in my prayes, karen
