I really don't know if it gets more pathetic than me. I am a 31 year old woman with 3 children. I have been down the withdrawl path a few times on my own but can't manage to stop cold turkey unless I am pregnant. I have a teenage daughter that I had when I was a teenager and I never used anything back then. O to go back to those days would be great. Then I got pregnant with my 6 year old and at that time was taking percocet 7.5's a few times a day. I stopped cold turkey the moment the pregnancy test came back positive. Took tylenol for leg cramps and prenatal vitamins. Then I have him and go back to percocet for a back injury that I could have lived with but anyway I went back. My husband at the time was right there with me getting his scripts too. Then went to a doctor and he wrote me a script for methadone and I was sooo pissed,cause I knew nothing of methadone and it wasn't my regular perc's and shortly after the methadone got into my system I was like ok this will work. I felt sooo good on methadone. I could paint the neighbors house and anything that needed to be done it was. Then I left my husband and stopped the methadone cold turkey..That was the biggest LIVING HELL ON EARTH for me. For some I am sure it is a great drug but for back pain NOT. I won't even get into that situation lets just say if I would have had a gun I would have killed myself, the pain was unbearable. Well you would think I would have LEARNED something but nope not me. I went to lortab/hydro anything after about 3-4 weeks into my withdrawl from methadone to just ease the pain. I swore I wouldn't let myself get addicted but I did. So then I found out I was pregant last year and I stopped the lortab cold turkey even quit smoking like I always do when I found out I am pregnant. I went though the withdrawl and got over it for 9-10 months I was CLEAN in every sense of the word. Then I had a beautiful little girl and had a c-section. They gave me percocet's for the pain-BIG MISTAKE. I told myself I can handle this I won't let myself get physically dependant on any drug again.I'll just take t for 2-3 weeks and heal and stop.Yeah right,keep telling yourself that Rach. Well I suck cause I did. I went back to getting lortab's and as I stand now I am down to 5mg a day and sometimes I slip up and take a 5mg at night but not always. I have had some leg cramps with the tapering but I don't really care about the pain part of it my worse fear is stopping altogether.
I feel safe knowing that I have some pills even if I don't take them. I could easily take several in a day but I truely don't I manage to convience myself that I don;t need it.Just in case I may have to go do something I can take half and get it done. I am soo PATHETIC it is not even funny. WHY CAN"T I LET THIS DRUG GO?? WHY CAN"T I JUST STOP LIKE I HAVE BEFORE? WHY DOES IT CONTROL ME?I even had a "pill dream" last night it was wonderful.. I found a bottle of vicodin 7.5's (120) of them. I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep. That is sad. Really who would wean(taper)down to 5-10 mg a day of hydro and then not want to go the next step and quit???? Anyone???Or is it just me hangin on cause I like torturing myself? Please someone tell me I am not the most pathetic person on this board..Cause I keep doing this to myself. I have only been taking them again for 8 months and I had quit totally for 9 months before that and I keep going back to my old ways and I can't figure out another way to live.I think I am going insane. It is time to stop and I just need a PUSH to do it or a reason to want to.Please Help! Rae
HI rae73" no u are NOT a pathetic person at all putting your self down only makes things worse we have all been down the same road in one way or anouther on this post remember u are not alone there are people here who are here for u any time u need support i dont know much about vics but i was addicted to codin tyl 3's and it took some time but with the advice from my doc i finely knew it was time and i tappered and with the support of this group i did it" u will find this group is great because they care just please hang in there and remember u are not patetic u are reaching out for help and that shows a great deal of courage. HUGS + LOVE LITTLE H.
Little H,
That was very sweet of you. I am sorry If I sound like I am whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am just sorry that I have allowed myself (knowing what I know)to get to this point yet ONCE AGAIN. I just need a push in the right direction. I can't wean myself down to a lower dose, I am at the lowest now. I have just got to convience myself to STOP and that is the most difficult part for me is the MENTAL part of it. I hate feeling like this. At 5 mg a day I am hardly getting "HIGH" off the drug anyway,maybe a 20 minute buzz that I justify by getting some house work done. But anyway you look at it I am pathetic. I should be ashamed to give anyone advice when I can't even help myself. Thanks for your response,it was very nice of you! Rae
That was very sweet of you. I am sorry If I sound like I am whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am just sorry that I have allowed myself (knowing what I know)to get to this point yet ONCE AGAIN. I just need a push in the right direction. I can't wean myself down to a lower dose, I am at the lowest now. I have just got to convience myself to STOP and that is the most difficult part for me is the MENTAL part of it. I hate feeling like this. At 5 mg a day I am hardly getting "HIGH" off the drug anyway,maybe a 20 minute buzz that I justify by getting some house work done. But anyway you look at it I am pathetic. I should be ashamed to give anyone advice when I can't even help myself. Thanks for your response,it was very nice of you! Rae
Rae73 Hi its Mollyjean you are NOT pathetic you are an addict.And sometimes addicts ARE the best advise givers.I think we all stumble at times.Please don't beat yourself up that does not help you.I have my own battles right now just tapering down to what I'm suppose to take.But if you feel the need to chat please do I really think what your going through you shouldn't have to be alone in it.Me and I'm sure others here will do whatever we can to help.but you are NOT pathetic take care .......Mollyjean
Thanks Mollyjean,
You know I read the first line of what you wrote me like 5 times. When you said I am not pathetci I am an addict. You know it is very different when someone else writes you that or says that to you. It makes me think. Maybe I have just been in denial for so long that I had some sort of control(just becasue I can control my pill intake) DOES NOT make me in control. Maybe I just need to come to a realization that I realy do need help to stop. I cannot talk to ANYONE about it because everyone that knows me knows of my methadone addiction a couple years ago.. People would think I was CRAZY for taking any kind of pills again. My boyfriend is the type of person that can take half a blue lortab 10 and get yard work done or drink a few beers and enjoy his buzz but he ONLY takes a half here and there on the weekends ONLY and not every weekend. I just thought after I had the baby 8 months ago and I was clean for so long that I could be like him and just take one here and there, but I know realize I can never do that. I have an additive personality and he does not. I wish I could be like that but I can't. Enough about me what are you tappering down from Mollyjean? I hope you are doing okay! I know everyone has their own issues but I guess I just needed to talk to someone. I am just more depressed today than ever. I am usually so up-beat but today has been hard. It's been a log time since I have cried and felt feelings. This tapper thing sucks. I am determined to stick with it though. I wish I would have had this board a long time ago. Thanks for the kind words. Rach
You know I read the first line of what you wrote me like 5 times. When you said I am not pathetci I am an addict. You know it is very different when someone else writes you that or says that to you. It makes me think. Maybe I have just been in denial for so long that I had some sort of control(just becasue I can control my pill intake) DOES NOT make me in control. Maybe I just need to come to a realization that I realy do need help to stop. I cannot talk to ANYONE about it because everyone that knows me knows of my methadone addiction a couple years ago.. People would think I was CRAZY for taking any kind of pills again. My boyfriend is the type of person that can take half a blue lortab 10 and get yard work done or drink a few beers and enjoy his buzz but he ONLY takes a half here and there on the weekends ONLY and not every weekend. I just thought after I had the baby 8 months ago and I was clean for so long that I could be like him and just take one here and there, but I know realize I can never do that. I have an additive personality and he does not. I wish I could be like that but I can't. Enough about me what are you tappering down from Mollyjean? I hope you are doing okay! I know everyone has their own issues but I guess I just needed to talk to someone. I am just more depressed today than ever. I am usually so up-beat but today has been hard. It's been a log time since I have cried and felt feelings. This tapper thing sucks. I am determined to stick with it though. I wish I would have had this board a long time ago. Thanks for the kind words. Rach
Hi Rach I'm trying to (please don't laugh)tramadol.I am trying to get down to what is prescribed which is 8 a day I am doing alittle better.I guess the 12 I'm down to is alittle better than 14-15-16.Please don't beat yourself up take 1 hour at a time.1minute at a time.You may just find out your stronger than you think.Yes the w/d is crappy but remember your body is use to having the pills in it it will take sometime for your body to get use to not having it.When you said you had your baby I just wanted to know BOY?GIRL?I know my girls give me the strenth I sometimes need to be more determined.And I know that as many times that I have let them and myself down they still love me with their whole being.It is a wounderful thing that your children just love you faults and all....mollyjean
Hi Rae,
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but an addict's life while in active addiction is kind of pathetic. Mine sure was. It's kind of the nature of the illness. There's only one way to end the nonsense....you know what that is. You're almost there.
You are so right about the lack of control. I think that was something I never quite accepted, deep down, until this past run when I started using daily.
It sounds like you could use some face-to-face support from others in recovery -- or at least reaffirmation and support for your desire to qit completely. What do you think -- can you get to an NA or AA meeting? You know I support you in this Rae-- consider this a written 'kick in the a**.' lol With respect, M.
Well, don't take this the wrong way, but an addict's life while in active addiction is kind of pathetic. Mine sure was. It's kind of the nature of the illness. There's only one way to end the nonsense....you know what that is. You're almost there.
You are so right about the lack of control. I think that was something I never quite accepted, deep down, until this past run when I started using daily.
It sounds like you could use some face-to-face support from others in recovery -- or at least reaffirmation and support for your desire to qit completely. What do you think -- can you get to an NA or AA meeting? You know I support you in this Rae-- consider this a written 'kick in the a**.' lol With respect, M.
Mollyjean, I have 2 girls and 1 boy. My oldest girl is almost 14 and the youngest girl is the 8 month old. My boy is 6. My kids are everything to me. I have great kids and they are all so beautiful(not just saying that cause their mine)LOL. They do give me strength. That is why I have got myself down to taking such a low dose so I can function somewhat when I decide to quit.
None4me,
I really can't go to a meeting but thanks for the kick in the butt.LOL I just don't have anyone to keep my kids. My boyfriend works all the time and 2 of my kids are in school and I have an 8 month old. I do think that a meeting may help me but just not sure how I could go with all these children. Thanks for the support! Rae
None4me,
I really can't go to a meeting but thanks for the kick in the butt.LOL I just don't have anyone to keep my kids. My boyfriend works all the time and 2 of my kids are in school and I have an 8 month old. I do think that a meeting may help me but just not sure how I could go with all these children. Thanks for the support! Rae
Wow 2 girls huh?me too.My 12yr old looks 15 and my 16yr old stands at least a foot higher than me.Its sad you have nobody to watch your children.It is so hard to find people you trust to take them for awhile....I myself haven't done any meetings yet I'm trying real hard to brave myself up to that.Please try to hang in there.I know all of us here will help anyway we can.Try to remember you are not alone in this(even if it feels as you are)Maybe just talking on this site will help.take care.....Mollyjean
Rae73 (hope i got ur name right) u are a million miles from the most pathetic person here. i can personally attest to that. i am amazed at ur courage and strength of chatacter that u quit when u were pregnant. sure u might think, i had to, but it was a strong big moral decision & the right decision & in my eyes more than makes up in ur character & morals & everything else the bad u feel about urself for keeping one foot in the door on that slippery banana peel. it's hard to let go. drugs to me are almost like an abusive relationship. When i got off H & got on methadone, one thing i was sure of, that i would never use H again , but the pain i went thru was eventually forgotten & there came a time when i had a double to tripple habbit. finally when i got off h&c again & was just on meth, and then finally i got off that. (we are talking long periods) i knew one thing, i would never do methadone again.
well after a bunch of sunrises & sunsets i was clean & ok & cycles started again (not as bad- mostly pills0 & ended & started & ended...... u get the picture. & there were times i was even buying methadone which scares the h out of me because of the prolonged wds.
What I'm trying to say is working on & staying clean is a good & courageous & difficult thing, & labeling urself as pathetic (objetively u r not) is harmful to yourself & untrue. Please don't pick on yourself like that cause i know you wouldn't look at someone else that way. You owe it to yourself to be kind to urself. Sorry if i sounded preachy, but if u judge urself with the mercy and honesty u would judge others in ur position i think u might find that thats the right thing to do.
well after a bunch of sunrises & sunsets i was clean & ok & cycles started again (not as bad- mostly pills0 & ended & started & ended...... u get the picture. & there were times i was even buying methadone which scares the h out of me because of the prolonged wds.
What I'm trying to say is working on & staying clean is a good & courageous & difficult thing, & labeling urself as pathetic (objetively u r not) is harmful to yourself & untrue. Please don't pick on yourself like that cause i know you wouldn't look at someone else that way. You owe it to yourself to be kind to urself. Sorry if i sounded preachy, but if u judge urself with the mercy and honesty u would judge others in ur position i think u might find that thats the right thing to do.
dear rae -
you are not pathetic, my dear.
you are an addict, with a deadly disease.
if you had cancer, would you consider yourself pathetic?
just as a patient with the deadly disease of cancer, what lenghts will you go for your recovery from drug addiction?
if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
there is a solution.
namaste'
sammy
you are not pathetic, my dear.
you are an addict, with a deadly disease.
if you had cancer, would you consider yourself pathetic?
just as a patient with the deadly disease of cancer, what lenghts will you go for your recovery from drug addiction?
if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
there is a solution.
namaste'
sammy
Thank you ALL for responding to my post. I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself and I am usually NOT like that at all. I guess I am just ashamed and disgusted with myself. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel but just can't get to it no matter how hard I try. I CANNOT remain looking forward to 5mg of Vicodin a day, that is just sad.I have had little withdrawls at that low amount. My worst feeling is diarrhea,lack of energy and restless legs.. I know this will pass with time as it took time to get me where I am today! I did go get some multi-vitamins and banana's today and I am on the right track to STOP this craziness altogether! Thanks for all the support!! Rachel
I think that you are doing the best thing you could do for yourself. I am the mother of two beautiful young kids. I am now on day 7 with out ANY vics. The withdrawl symptoms are really starting to fade. I still have the diarrhea, (day 6 of that) and at night I am restless, and cranky. But I am waking up early - much earlier than ever before. In fact, I am waking up before my alarm clock, ready to start the day. It is amazing.
I know that I have only just begun, but I have begun. And you can too.
It is rough, but with the support of this site, you too can get through it.
We are all here for you - just keep posting!
-britney
I know that I have only just begun, but I have begun. And you can too.
It is rough, but with the support of this site, you too can get through it.
We are all here for you - just keep posting!
-britney