Hi guys,
Well, I made a big step as far as I'm concerned, me & my husband. My daughter (20, living with boyfriend), an ex-addict Heroin (?) says he's 5yrs clean).....took a huge step, I think...
Anyway, our daughter texted my husband while we were out for supper. Said this new apartment they're moving into, doesn't have water or electric (yet?). Hinted she wanted to come home (2 times in 2 days)
My husband told her we'd welcome her home, but no drugs of any kind & it was time to drop these friends & look for new friends. This circle she is in is so awful. They've ll been to jail, drug rehabs over & over , still use, I think....etc....Not a good influence. Not one has been clean ever, that I know of.
And, her ex-bf sent her videos of him doing certain sexual acts on his ex's. So.....she & her boyfriend made their own filthy video of him doing things to my daughter & the ex sent it to my HUSBAND!! OMG!! He didn't tell me at the time thinking I'd get really upset. (I have heart problems, etc...) I'm disgusted & sick about it, but I'm feeling strong enough to tell her not to come home unless she quits using, etc...
We knew she'd rebuke us, but didn't really care. 1. We are enjoying the loss of constant tension that permeates everything when she's here. And 2. We see this as a step in the right direction. Hoping she's getting tired of this lifestyle. Though it may not happen for who knows how long...We're aware of that.
We know it may take a while if ever, before she decides to come home. We don't want her using here. It won't be tolerated.....nor will her 'friends'. We're nearly sure they all use too. Why else would she live like that, if not her getting drugs there? My husband didn't text her back.
No, we will not back down. We don't want her making each & every day in this house, pure HELL! Not this time.
Thank you all for your support!~
So.....what do you guys think?
love & God bless you all,
Dee
Hi - I think the dirty videos are disgusting and it would take a lot to wipe it from the mind.
I think she should not come back to your home, but you can help her find a halfway house, sober house, there is information on this site.
If she came home make it temporary, I would try to turn off or suspend the phone, no car, no friends, Find a job within a month, etc.... whatever you want to set up. Its your home.
It is hard. Once the foot is in the door, your back to the same old helping out, etc.
gotta, go
I think she should not come back to your home, but you can help her find a halfway house, sober house, there is information on this site.
If she came home make it temporary, I would try to turn off or suspend the phone, no car, no friends, Find a job within a month, etc.... whatever you want to set up. Its your home.
It is hard. Once the foot is in the door, your back to the same old helping out, etc.
gotta, go
Yea Dee...!!! Your learning...
Yes, Constantine!! lol You went & made me smile again!~ lol
Hello all,
Well, I called my daughter about the video & her behavior lately. Needed to remind her I raised her with morals, for God's sake~! Told her I didn't get it, she sure as hell wasn't raised this way! She was saying she was so embarrassed by her dad seeing it, etc....
While we were on the phone, she was clearly trying to hit all the mom buttons. I came right out & told her that I'm strong now & I won't live like in the past anymore. And, that I realize she has to reach her rock bottom & then find her own way back out of it. I was going to let her fall all on her own.(sound familiar?) ...that I wasn't gonna be dragged down with her in the process. She has a home WHEN & IF she quits using AND she drops the boyfriend & 'friends'. There's NO other way. It's non-negotiable.
She had everything, a full scholarship, a job, a car...Now, nothing. I know that's gone. Her goals have changed & so has she so I have to be more realistic in knowing, she'll probably relapse & we'll go through it all again...What WAS, is gone now.
I told her we'd support her if & when she gets back on track. I know it would be miraculous , for her to quit using. She says she's clean. I'll keep hope alive. Ha. I won't be stupid though. I know it's unlikely.
As selfish as this may sound, I felt better to hear her crying & not me. I thought of the million times I've cried over her. It was odd to have her crying. That's usually the part I play. I have to admit I feel sane & strong and it's because of all of you.
Thank you all~!
love & God bless,
Dee
Hello all,
Well, I called my daughter about the video & her behavior lately. Needed to remind her I raised her with morals, for God's sake~! Told her I didn't get it, she sure as hell wasn't raised this way! She was saying she was so embarrassed by her dad seeing it, etc....
While we were on the phone, she was clearly trying to hit all the mom buttons. I came right out & told her that I'm strong now & I won't live like in the past anymore. And, that I realize she has to reach her rock bottom & then find her own way back out of it. I was going to let her fall all on her own.(sound familiar?) ...that I wasn't gonna be dragged down with her in the process. She has a home WHEN & IF she quits using AND she drops the boyfriend & 'friends'. There's NO other way. It's non-negotiable.
She had everything, a full scholarship, a job, a car...Now, nothing. I know that's gone. Her goals have changed & so has she so I have to be more realistic in knowing, she'll probably relapse & we'll go through it all again...What WAS, is gone now.
I told her we'd support her if & when she gets back on track. I know it would be miraculous , for her to quit using. She says she's clean. I'll keep hope alive. Ha. I won't be stupid though. I know it's unlikely.
As selfish as this may sound, I felt better to hear her crying & not me. I thought of the million times I've cried over her. It was odd to have her crying. That's usually the part I play. I have to admit I feel sane & strong and it's because of all of you.
Thank you all~!
love & God bless,
Dee
Well put. Stay strong. Write it down if you have to, to remind yourself of what you said, or what you want to say. I have found that I am afraid to say something to the kid, but when I finally say it, the kid takes it better than I thought, and they do accept what you say and they do start trying.
You just cant give in too soon.
We think our son is doing OK. he only makes enough to pay rent and eat. It is sad to talk to him because we know he is not happy. but we cant give him $$ to make him happy. He understands, he is ok with it. but it is just sad because he went to college - where he started the addiction, not on scholarships, so I am paying that monthly payment, he had a professional job with potential, he had a car, tv, computer. Now he has nothing, rents a room, has a phone we pay for. thats it. thats all he can afford.no car, no tv, no cable, no internet.
He is early in recovery, 6 months with a short relapse at about 4 months. The hard part is how slow it is. So, one week at a time. We are at a good spot where we are not helping, and he has enough for rent and food, hopefully not much more.
It is true. You have to be strong for them. It does get easier. As you are stronger you will see how your actions pay off. and that makes it easier to keep it up.
You just cant give in too soon.
We think our son is doing OK. he only makes enough to pay rent and eat. It is sad to talk to him because we know he is not happy. but we cant give him $$ to make him happy. He understands, he is ok with it. but it is just sad because he went to college - where he started the addiction, not on scholarships, so I am paying that monthly payment, he had a professional job with potential, he had a car, tv, computer. Now he has nothing, rents a room, has a phone we pay for. thats it. thats all he can afford.no car, no tv, no cable, no internet.
He is early in recovery, 6 months with a short relapse at about 4 months. The hard part is how slow it is. So, one week at a time. We are at a good spot where we are not helping, and he has enough for rent and food, hopefully not much more.
It is true. You have to be strong for them. It does get easier. As you are stronger you will see how your actions pay off. and that makes it easier to keep it up.
Dee,
There's a lot of positive by products from taking a stand like youve done even though it's difficult I'm sure.
One of them is that it probably makes you feel better about yourself because now you've found your spine! You probably now wish you had done this sooner...yes?
I'm proud of you!
...and I don't even know you :-)
There's a lot of positive by products from taking a stand like youve done even though it's difficult I'm sure.
One of them is that it probably makes you feel better about yourself because now you've found your spine! You probably now wish you had done this sooner...yes?
I'm proud of you!
...and I don't even know you :-)
Rich & NYToFlorida,
You guys rock! lol I do feel better. Wish we'd done this years ago~. The pressure's off us. :)
Rich thank you for the pride! That made me feel good.
She knows what she has to do for us to help her. There is no other way. Our house is full of life now. When she was here, the neighbors always had a show! I'd be embarrassed to leave my house for fear they'd heard our fighting. (They'd had to have!) Now that it's quiet here, they know it wasn't hubby & me. lol
NYTO, I'm glad your son has limited income. That means he won't have too much money to get in trouble with. Is he staying clean? How do ya think he's doing? Hang in there. Things sound like they're going in the right direction for you guys.
We took her car & shut off her phone. We communicate through her bf's phone, once in a blue moon. You're right about if & when she'd come home, it would be limited. There's so much to do. Also there have to be factors here that could trigger her.
It's easy to overthink things. I try 'n remind myself, one day at a time.
Told her I don't have any respect for the bf. Found H bag in his car when my daughter was supposed to be clean. Now we have this bulls*** with the video & pics. Truly ashamed about that. She said she's still a good person. I told her yeah you're good, but you're only doing bad things. Time to turn things around...., yadda, yadda, you know how it goes.
Won't talk for weeks again I assume, which is fine by me.
I went to the ER today for what we thought was gallbladder. Had the worst pain all day & night. Everything checked out fine, but I don't need to go get sick now.
Oh well.....stay well, stay strong!~
love & God bless you guys,
Dee
You guys rock! lol I do feel better. Wish we'd done this years ago~. The pressure's off us. :)
Rich thank you for the pride! That made me feel good.
She knows what she has to do for us to help her. There is no other way. Our house is full of life now. When she was here, the neighbors always had a show! I'd be embarrassed to leave my house for fear they'd heard our fighting. (They'd had to have!) Now that it's quiet here, they know it wasn't hubby & me. lol
NYTO, I'm glad your son has limited income. That means he won't have too much money to get in trouble with. Is he staying clean? How do ya think he's doing? Hang in there. Things sound like they're going in the right direction for you guys.
We took her car & shut off her phone. We communicate through her bf's phone, once in a blue moon. You're right about if & when she'd come home, it would be limited. There's so much to do. Also there have to be factors here that could trigger her.
It's easy to overthink things. I try 'n remind myself, one day at a time.
Told her I don't have any respect for the bf. Found H bag in his car when my daughter was supposed to be clean. Now we have this bulls*** with the video & pics. Truly ashamed about that. She said she's still a good person. I told her yeah you're good, but you're only doing bad things. Time to turn things around...., yadda, yadda, you know how it goes.
Won't talk for weeks again I assume, which is fine by me.
I went to the ER today for what we thought was gallbladder. Had the worst pain all day & night. Everything checked out fine, but I don't need to go get sick now.
Oh well.....stay well, stay strong!~
love & God bless you guys,
Dee
