Today, I'm thinking I don't feel any different than i did when i was high. I'm still unmotivated, lazy and sleepy. Might as well be stoned. Thinking about tossing the wellbutrin and craving a big fat joint is my mindset today. My son is home and he would know if I was high, so i guess that's motivation to not run out to the garage. Back to bed I go. Still sober, 50 days on sunday.
Hang in there!! Congrats on 50 days!!!
50 days is great!!! keep on keeping on!!!
ww- i think you should go back and read some of your wonderwoman posts. strong, powerful feelings. i am not clean yet but you are. the worst is over for you, the rest is lifestyle and what's left of the thc. keep going on your path. i look to you as a role model! when i read your posts i think my 'scared times' days are more than numbered. when i see post like today i know it will be hard.
hang in there girl!
i mean.... wonder woman!
-jo
hang in there girl!
i mean.... wonder woman!
-jo
I'm feeling alot of shame. I've wrecked my body, my mind, my friendships.
A friend I used to get high with came by this evening, she circled an ad in the yellow pages, a counsellor who has workshops doing inner child work. She tells me I need to go do this. She said she is a different person because she did it. She's not toking as much either, swears it's because of the workshop. I feel like I have accountability to her and this board regarding my meeting on thursday night. Some of you are curious, she is curious, she asked if I'm going yet. I guess I am curious. I have intention to go. I just feel....worthless and like I'm just doing the same thing i did 10 years ago, doing the counselling AGAIN and I'm a lost cause. Maybe it's the stupid pills I'm on that are worthless.
I read my other posts and I don't know where that person is today.
I have thoughts about putting together a recovery binder. All my therapy papers I've collected over the years. All my sayings and reflections. I picture this binder and it's beautiful, but I'm just not motivated to actually do it. Where is the strength? What the hell is wrong with me?
I don't think I can do this party after all. I don't want to face the alcohol and drug abuse around me.
Sorry I'm such a downer. Yeah, I guess 50 days is a big deal. Thanks guys.
A friend I used to get high with came by this evening, she circled an ad in the yellow pages, a counsellor who has workshops doing inner child work. She tells me I need to go do this. She said she is a different person because she did it. She's not toking as much either, swears it's because of the workshop. I feel like I have accountability to her and this board regarding my meeting on thursday night. Some of you are curious, she is curious, she asked if I'm going yet. I guess I am curious. I have intention to go. I just feel....worthless and like I'm just doing the same thing i did 10 years ago, doing the counselling AGAIN and I'm a lost cause. Maybe it's the stupid pills I'm on that are worthless.
I read my other posts and I don't know where that person is today.
I have thoughts about putting together a recovery binder. All my therapy papers I've collected over the years. All my sayings and reflections. I picture this binder and it's beautiful, but I'm just not motivated to actually do it. Where is the strength? What the hell is wrong with me?
I don't think I can do this party after all. I don't want to face the alcohol and drug abuse around me.
Sorry I'm such a downer. Yeah, I guess 50 days is a big deal. Thanks guys.
WW-
Sorry you are feelin so down, but life will do that to you sometimes. Even those who have never used have good times and bad ones, up days and down days. Worthless? I hardly think so. Maybe you should ask your hubby and kids if they think you are worthless. Sounds to me like you have done a pretty good job of raising those kids, seeing how they are so proud of you for quitting and all. Take a look at somone worse off than you, there are people on the street and broke due to their mental/drug problems. So, sorry, you don't rate "worthless" in my book.
The greatest strengh will be gained by facing adversity, so I encourage you to go to that party, no matter how much of a struggle it may seem. The real enemy is in your mind, and once you have gone through the "passage" of being around your stoned friends and staying sober, it will reveal itself for the molehill it really is, not the mountain it seems in your mind to be.
Don't let these things gang up on you. Deal with them one at a time. Take life one day at a time, that is after all how we have to live it, whether we like it or not.
Don't forget to smell the flowers, it's even more important to do that on the down days.
Sorry you are feelin so down, but life will do that to you sometimes. Even those who have never used have good times and bad ones, up days and down days. Worthless? I hardly think so. Maybe you should ask your hubby and kids if they think you are worthless. Sounds to me like you have done a pretty good job of raising those kids, seeing how they are so proud of you for quitting and all. Take a look at somone worse off than you, there are people on the street and broke due to their mental/drug problems. So, sorry, you don't rate "worthless" in my book.
The greatest strengh will be gained by facing adversity, so I encourage you to go to that party, no matter how much of a struggle it may seem. The real enemy is in your mind, and once you have gone through the "passage" of being around your stoned friends and staying sober, it will reveal itself for the molehill it really is, not the mountain it seems in your mind to be.
Don't let these things gang up on you. Deal with them one at a time. Take life one day at a time, that is after all how we have to live it, whether we like it or not.
Don't forget to smell the flowers, it's even more important to do that on the down days.
Thank you Hippienerd, for letting me be myself. I really get negative sometimes....
WW
I know how you are feeling, some days I just can not let go of the sadness, the fear, the helplessness. I'm trying to accept that it's OK for me to have those feelings. It does not mean that I am failing my recovery, that I'm not working a good program. It just means I'm human, a female prone to hormone attacks! Clean or Using, life has bumps and struggles. I choose to get better and take care of me. I am powerless over people, places and things.
I'm glad you enjoy the Just for Today posts. If you don't mind my asking, What meeting are you going to Thursday? And what kind of pills are you on? Anti depressants? Not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but my very good friends have had experience with them. If you are on AD's that very well could be contributing to your funk, on top of everything else you have to stressed about. Excersize would probably help you feel loads better. If we take care of ourselves, we can't help but be healthier and more pleasant to be around, for those we love and those we work with.
The fact that you are aware when you get in a funk, and what your "normal" behaviour is in dealing with it is awesome progress. Being aware of our feelings and behaviors enables us to make different choices if we are tired of our usual outcomes. You decide what is best for you, what you need.
From my side of the street looking over on your side, it's looking pretty darn good.
Faith and Hope
I know how you are feeling, some days I just can not let go of the sadness, the fear, the helplessness. I'm trying to accept that it's OK for me to have those feelings. It does not mean that I am failing my recovery, that I'm not working a good program. It just means I'm human, a female prone to hormone attacks! Clean or Using, life has bumps and struggles. I choose to get better and take care of me. I am powerless over people, places and things.
I'm glad you enjoy the Just for Today posts. If you don't mind my asking, What meeting are you going to Thursday? And what kind of pills are you on? Anti depressants? Not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but my very good friends have had experience with them. If you are on AD's that very well could be contributing to your funk, on top of everything else you have to stressed about. Excersize would probably help you feel loads better. If we take care of ourselves, we can't help but be healthier and more pleasant to be around, for those we love and those we work with.
The fact that you are aware when you get in a funk, and what your "normal" behaviour is in dealing with it is awesome progress. Being aware of our feelings and behaviors enables us to make different choices if we are tired of our usual outcomes. You decide what is best for you, what you need.
From my side of the street looking over on your side, it's looking pretty darn good.
Faith and Hope
Where I live there is a program called AADAC (Alcohol and drug abuse commission). The evening program runs from 6:30-8:30 for 5 weeks. It's called an Awareness/Assessment group. 1. Identify the harmful effects of their alcohol/other drug use and/or gambling on their lives. 2. determine their readiness to make changes. 3. establish a direction for treatment. Each week has a differet topic. I think tonight is "physical health". then next week, legal and social, then financial and employment, family and relationships and finally emotional health. It rotates, so i suppose it could be any one of those. After 5 weeks, I've been advised to attend a Self-esteem group for 4 wednesdays. Then i call my intake worker and we determine what's next. I'm thinking a women's support group.
I am taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin daily along with an amino acid complex.It occurred to me that I haven't had caffeine in my system for several days as well, which I've heard can have a withdrawal effect. :-P
Yesterday afternoon, after my 40 minutes on the treadmill, two girlfriends came over that I've realized are my closest friends, even though they are still using (but seem to manage with just evening puffs and sobriety during the day). We had a heart-to-heart, it was so comforting to not feel isolated. They are concerned and show up at least once a week. They weren't high yesterday and are respecting my decision to quit. I get hugs and support from them, I feel grateful today for them. I also have a friend who doesn't smoke, that I called last night. We talked about having sober poker/gin rummy nights over the winter. All three of them know eachother and like eachother, which in my experience is rare with women. LOL
Slow but steady, I'll get there. I'm going to give the anti-depressants a fair shake (at least throughout the winter) and consider how I feel in the spring.
More than anything, I'm a way better mom, present on many levels. I still don't like grocery shopping...LOL
I am taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin daily along with an amino acid complex.It occurred to me that I haven't had caffeine in my system for several days as well, which I've heard can have a withdrawal effect. :-P
Yesterday afternoon, after my 40 minutes on the treadmill, two girlfriends came over that I've realized are my closest friends, even though they are still using (but seem to manage with just evening puffs and sobriety during the day). We had a heart-to-heart, it was so comforting to not feel isolated. They are concerned and show up at least once a week. They weren't high yesterday and are respecting my decision to quit. I get hugs and support from them, I feel grateful today for them. I also have a friend who doesn't smoke, that I called last night. We talked about having sober poker/gin rummy nights over the winter. All three of them know eachother and like eachother, which in my experience is rare with women. LOL
Slow but steady, I'll get there. I'm going to give the anti-depressants a fair shake (at least throughout the winter) and consider how I feel in the spring.
More than anything, I'm a way better mom, present on many levels. I still don't like grocery shopping...LOL
NO CAFFIENE HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?????
I couldnt live without my caffiene. I am so jealous of these healty granola type people that live without damaging substances and toxins in their body, but damn just one thing at a time
I couldnt live without my caffiene. I am so jealous of these healty granola type people that live without damaging substances and toxins in their body, but damn just one thing at a time
I know!!!!! It's freaking me out, I don't miss it. In fact, I'm drinking lemon tea/w honey and tons of water. I swear aliens have taken over !!!
If I start drumming in the forest and get dreadlocks, you'll be the first to know. LOL
If I start drumming in the forest and get dreadlocks, you'll be the first to know. LOL
