i hate that i can't stay clean.
i hate how i f***ing fall and i f***ing fall and i f***ing fall.
and i hate everything and everybody and myself. i hate life.
i don't know what to do. i'm so f***ed!
sorry - i just needed to vent. i kept it in for so long.
blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhh i'm such a loser. WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH ME! i know what is wrong - but jeeeeeeeeeeez! i'm in school - i'm smart - i have a job - and i am out of control mentally! some of you know me - i've detoxed by myself - here on this board - i've done it... but i f*** up. this is like the fourth or fifth time. i mean come on WAKE THE f*** UP!
(((((((((((((skeeter))))))))))))))))))))))))
i love you !
big hugs.
i miss u....
you know how to catch up with me......
your friend always
thumper
i love you !
big hugs.
i miss u....
you know how to catch up with me......
your friend always
thumper
thumper - what the hell is wrong with me??????????
my life wasn't supposed to be this agonizing.
my life wasn't supposed to be this agonizing.
i underdstand skeeter........life can be so hard sometimes....
and i feel like a total loser .... crawling back up here .... "help me ! help me!"
it's just that you guys understand. that's why i speak.
want to know something really crazy??? my friend had a vicodin addiction - she wanted to quit - i coached her entirely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! walked her through the w/ds - called her daily to give her positive energy - - - told her it was temporary.... etc etc ....all while freaking wishing i was doing the same thing??? am i a monster or what? i'm so disappointed in myself. my entire life is just one big f***ing disappointment.
i'm so angry.
it's just that you guys understand. that's why i speak.
want to know something really crazy??? my friend had a vicodin addiction - she wanted to quit - i coached her entirely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! walked her through the w/ds - called her daily to give her positive energy - - - told her it was temporary.... etc etc ....all while freaking wishing i was doing the same thing??? am i a monster or what? i'm so disappointed in myself. my entire life is just one big f***ing disappointment.
i'm so angry.
no skeeter.........your a giving loving person....
to help someone .....
you were able to do that because you understand and have had experience with it.........
your being to hard on yourself.......
lets see what we can do to move in to the solution.........
your a beautiful person........
to help someone .....
you were able to do that because you understand and have had experience with it.........
your being to hard on yourself.......
lets see what we can do to move in to the solution.........
your a beautiful person........
have you considered couseling or metings
Hay Skeeter,
You are not a failure. Its called addiction. It took me years to understand it.
Catherine
You are not a failure. Its called addiction. It took me years to understand it.
Catherine
Yo Dude chill out! it doesn't work to beat yourself up about giving in to your addictive side. at that moment there is always an angel on one shoulder and a beast on the other. the beast usually wins because it offers imediate gratification, somthing you have been trained to want with your addictive personallity. so realize that you will give into this alot on the path to recovery and telling yourself that you suck does not help the situation. you have to move beyond that and WANT to not fail. untill then you just have to ride the waves and be strong. you will get through.
peace!
peace!
Skeeter-You know what you need to do.You've been around long enough and for maybe many reason you are not choosing to do it.You are not a victim.
There were many times in my life that the outsides didn't match my insides.I was making money,had successful relationships,drove a nice ride,owned my house,etc.etc. but inside I was dying and I was the only one that knew it.
I don't know what your personal bottom might look like? You may have to go for a few more years and start losing some of those external successes? I guarantee if you don't stop that you will.It's inevitable.Addiction is progressive and so are the consequences.It's hard to fathom that when you have everything you need.
When you are willing to go to any length to stop this nightmare,you then will have a chance.But if you keep putting conditions on it,then you simply fall back into a never ending cycle.
Skeeter,I always think about you and worry about how you are doing.You and KeeKee remind me of each other.You both have strong personalities and I see a defiance in both of you that can actaully serve you if you get on the right track.
Hopefully you won't wait until that train has moved further down the tracks.Unfortunately,it's not my call or anyone elses.All we can do is support and love you until you can start loving yourself.
There were many times in my life that the outsides didn't match my insides.I was making money,had successful relationships,drove a nice ride,owned my house,etc.etc. but inside I was dying and I was the only one that knew it.
I don't know what your personal bottom might look like? You may have to go for a few more years and start losing some of those external successes? I guarantee if you don't stop that you will.It's inevitable.Addiction is progressive and so are the consequences.It's hard to fathom that when you have everything you need.
When you are willing to go to any length to stop this nightmare,you then will have a chance.But if you keep putting conditions on it,then you simply fall back into a never ending cycle.
Skeeter,I always think about you and worry about how you are doing.You and KeeKee remind me of each other.You both have strong personalities and I see a defiance in both of you that can actaully serve you if you get on the right track.
Hopefully you won't wait until that train has moved further down the tracks.Unfortunately,it's not my call or anyone elses.All we can do is support and love you until you can start loving yourself.
Hi! I don't know you or your situation... but... just want you to know I feel for you! Don't beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself!!
and remember....GOD is with you. and also your angels.
It is hard, oh so very hard. I have been struggling, too. But, I have faith I will make it. It might take time, and I might keep going back, but one day, when I am REALLY ready, I will be done!
It is a very scary thing to go through. I hate it! and I beat myself up, too. I feel I am dying inside and yet nobody knows.... but I keep going on. I have two kids who need me and I think that helps, knowing i am needed. I HAVE to be here for my babies...NO MATTER WHAT! but, i also know that I have to want this for myself! and i do! I do want to be done and over with it! I have pp and i hate taking them. but.... the pain is so intence i can't handle it! is that an excuse to take pp? i have no idea, but, I am working on that one... tryin to figure it out!
and i think it is awesome you helped your friend! that is great you could and was there for her supporting her and being so unselfish and so giving.... maybe she could do the same for you? have you talked to her and told her your situation? maybe that would help?
I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you.... I am pulling for you! Just keep posting no matter what! or if you ever want to chat with me, let me know, I am a great listener and I won't judge you! i will be supportive and let you vent!
take care of yourself and quit beating yourself up. that won't help! keep your chin up and keep praying and we are here for you!
jac
and remember....GOD is with you. and also your angels.
It is hard, oh so very hard. I have been struggling, too. But, I have faith I will make it. It might take time, and I might keep going back, but one day, when I am REALLY ready, I will be done!
It is a very scary thing to go through. I hate it! and I beat myself up, too. I feel I am dying inside and yet nobody knows.... but I keep going on. I have two kids who need me and I think that helps, knowing i am needed. I HAVE to be here for my babies...NO MATTER WHAT! but, i also know that I have to want this for myself! and i do! I do want to be done and over with it! I have pp and i hate taking them. but.... the pain is so intence i can't handle it! is that an excuse to take pp? i have no idea, but, I am working on that one... tryin to figure it out!
and i think it is awesome you helped your friend! that is great you could and was there for her supporting her and being so unselfish and so giving.... maybe she could do the same for you? have you talked to her and told her your situation? maybe that would help?
I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you.... I am pulling for you! Just keep posting no matter what! or if you ever want to chat with me, let me know, I am a great listener and I won't judge you! i will be supportive and let you vent!
take care of yourself and quit beating yourself up. that won't help! keep your chin up and keep praying and we are here for you!
jac
Skeeter...it may help to talk about what the trigger was (if any). Addiction is a DISEASE of the brain and once you have altered it's chemistry it is an ongoing everyday part of your life to address...just as a diabetic must take insulin but still eat properly you must have an ongoing support system..meetings, whatever. I am the quen of relapse (so I thought) and I haven't given up.Although if you read my "update thread" you may wonder why. Point is..we keep trying and we do not consider relapse a dailure,just more proof that we are not dealing with willpower or "good" or "bad".It is what it is. If we are not vigilant it will sneak up on us for seemingly no reason. Your life can be going great and our built in "forgetter" kicks in......we slip. Thinking only once....and we all know the end of that story. Forgive yourself. It is what it is. Never let it out of your sight and take over your life again. You aren't the first...and sure as hell not the last.....Take care of yourself...Love, Sharonn
Skeets. I have posted this before I love what it says and I hope you hear the same message I hear with it. Stop beating yourself up. It is what it is..cunning baffeling and powerful. Jumps up and bites you in the a** when you least expect it. Its addiction. Just dust yourself off jump up and start over. You've got it in you!
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
Beautiful poem. Thank you.
Skeeter,
Sorry to hear how bad you are feeling.
I remember how kind and encouraging you had been to me when I was going through my own turmoil.
Seems to me you know what to do and expect.
I guess the only thing I can ask is what are you going to do differently? I know for me it was attending NA/AA meetings and letting another take the lead for awhile.......... Just getting clean was not enough. Prayer is changing me too. I roll out of bed and get down on my hands and knees and ask God what we are going to do today. Without prayer I realize I will am sunk.
Your are in my prayers, Skeeter.
-Gentlepeace
Sorry to hear how bad you are feeling.
I remember how kind and encouraging you had been to me when I was going through my own turmoil.
Seems to me you know what to do and expect.
I guess the only thing I can ask is what are you going to do differently? I know for me it was attending NA/AA meetings and letting another take the lead for awhile.......... Just getting clean was not enough. Prayer is changing me too. I roll out of bed and get down on my hands and knees and ask God what we are going to do today. Without prayer I realize I will am sunk.
Your are in my prayers, Skeeter.
-Gentlepeace
bump for Skeeter.
GP-You are making some great strides my friend.It always warms my heart to hear from you.That willingness to get on your knees can teach my arrogant butt a few lessons.LOL
GP-You are making some great strides my friend.It always warms my heart to hear from you.That willingness to get on your knees can teach my arrogant butt a few lessons.LOL
wow!!!!! what a neat poem! thank you for sharing that, gonna print that out and maybe read at a meeting??? jewels
good gosh skeeter...............
i am gonna contact you another way.............
love you
thumper
i am gonna contact you another way.............
love you
thumper
thank you so much all of you. last night i just got so angry - and just wanted to talk it out before losing my mind.
trigger? there are so many triggers for me. headaches, toothache, getting yelled at, thinking about my life, my family .....
but honestly something i remember about this time...
there was a post on this website - and someone mentioned how they enjoyed feeling like s*** in the morning when they woke up - and they enjoyed taking a few pills, sitting down drinking coffee and 30 minutes later feel good. **i'm not angry at all at the person who wrote that - i don't even know who it was - but reading it made me start to miss that feeling where you feel like s*** & then you fix it. you medicate the problem. something about that discussion made me crave really bad - and i said f*** it.
i dont know.... either way - i'm not even getting high! that's the thing! i stopped getting high months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's never a good time to kick. this s*** is just neverending ... over and over.... i think i'm just terminally ill.
i hate being so negative. i'm nauseous. i'm irritable. i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to be around anybody. i hate it.
way to go skeeter. way to f***ing go.
trigger? there are so many triggers for me. headaches, toothache, getting yelled at, thinking about my life, my family .....
but honestly something i remember about this time...
there was a post on this website - and someone mentioned how they enjoyed feeling like s*** in the morning when they woke up - and they enjoyed taking a few pills, sitting down drinking coffee and 30 minutes later feel good. **i'm not angry at all at the person who wrote that - i don't even know who it was - but reading it made me start to miss that feeling where you feel like s*** & then you fix it. you medicate the problem. something about that discussion made me crave really bad - and i said f*** it.
i dont know.... either way - i'm not even getting high! that's the thing! i stopped getting high months ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's never a good time to kick. this s*** is just neverending ... over and over.... i think i'm just terminally ill.
i hate being so negative. i'm nauseous. i'm irritable. i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to be around anybody. i hate it.
way to go skeeter. way to f***ing go.
| QUOTE |
| i think i'm just terminally ill. |
It doesn't have be terminal but you are ill.I am too.
I try to keep my perspective now in one day increments.I'm not always successful but am getting better.
Skeeter,I use to get so angry when I would relapse.God,I had some beautiful reasoning too.I would be driving to a job site and a song would come on that would remind me of being f*cked up.The next thing I knew I was in a waiting room at my pill doctors waiting for a script.
I could never figure out how it happened? I thought it was just a random event.
Sometimes it is so deeply in our subconcious,we really don't know what happens.
All that can be changed.You can start becoming aware of your "stinking thinking" and do something about it.
I just want you know there is hope so don't give up.If you need to come on here and vent for awhile,it's very cool.However,we will always let you know about the solution.It's the same.
