...You have no idea!!! Hi!! I haven't had a chance to read the posts but I pray everyone is doing well!! Thank-you so much for the responses to my last post, I just read them and you guys are so much of a support, I can't even begin to tell all of you how much it means to me,and how blessed I feel to be here with all of you. Wow what a rollercoaster ride I have been on, yikes!! and to top it off my monitor went on the blitz so I couldn't come online!!! I haven't really being doing all that well. I decided against by better judgement to go to the cabin, and what a horrible, horrible night. I ended up drinking and getting so drunk, (thank god the children weren't there) and H had his cousin and two teen girls there, and somebody helped themselves to my bag in the bedroom, I wasn't so upset about that, but I brought my Bible up, and it was thrown across the bed like a piece of garbage! so needless to say, disrespecting the Bible and me being a stupid head drunk, my Dad not doing so well, don't mix, and I FREAKED.. not really at first, but they said "OH you probably did it" I know for a fact, I wouldn't do that to my Bible, and I wasn't even in my bag!! so I ended up sleeping in my van, after I yelled my head off, and boy did it echo, I feel ashamed for myself for loosing control like that, not good. Everything was just so built up and just one little push and WHAM, I'm drunk and yelling like an complete idiot. I did go to counselling and it was pretty good, I have SO much work to do on myself, and I just don't know where to start, I feel like I'm just running on a treadmill and not getting anywhere. One day at a time.... One day at a time.... boy I am so trying to get that into my head, but it is so hard.
Anyway friends, I have rambled on enough I love you guys! and thank-you SO much for being here..
Lots and lots of love to all of you,
and Big HUGS!!
Lovedovexoxxoxoxo
Love-Dove- So glad to see you back. Sounds like the whole cabin trip was a huge crash and burn. Maybe you needed a crash and burn to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start over. You will make it. You are a strong person regardless of how you see yourself. I don't know how I would cope if something were happening to either one of my parents right before my eyes. Give yourself some credit for coping as well as you have.
I will continue to have your Dad and your family and Especially you in my nightly prayers. Glad you are back and Okay my Friend!
I will continue to have your Dad and your family and Especially you in my nightly prayers. Glad you are back and Okay my Friend!
Hi Valarie, Thanks for the fast post, so glad to see you are here. I just talked some really close friends of the family, and told them about Dad, it just made me cry, I am so weak right now, I feel anything but strong, but I know what you are saying, I am probably stronger than what I feel, but I feel like running to the closest wine and beer store, grabbing a half sack and getting drunk, and I HATE feeling like this, I think I just need to focus, focus and focus on what is real right now, and NOT try to numb it like I always have, but bad habits and bad behaviours are so hard to break, the stress level is so up, I even tested my blood pressure today and it was through the roof, and I never have high blood pressure, I'm just falling to pieces here, and don't know what to do. I'm so glad I have a monitor now, and that you guys are here. I went to the docs and got some sleeping pills, I told them no benzos, I posted on the pill side and asked about them, I had taken a couple and found out they are bad news, and the doc said so are the sleeping pills, so he only gave me 10. Oh sometimes life can be so damn hard... Peaks and Valleys...
Love ya Valarie
Lovedove
Love ya Valarie
Lovedove
LD,
I can't imagine what you must be going through. It's hard enough for "us drunks" to stay sober when there isn't anything stressful going on. Whatever you have to do to not drink, do it. You have enough stress and s*** you are going through and to add a major relapse on top of it......It would be more than most people can bear. The cabin fiasco was a a small speed bump! Think how badly you feel about the cabin incident. You don't want to feel worse I know. You could also look at it from another angle too. What if something happens and your Father , God Forbid, takes a turn for the worse and you are wasted and can't even go be with him or the rest of your family? How s***ty would you feel then? That would be a bender that you would torture yourself with for the rest of your life! You gotta just hold on my friend. Hold on! Hold on! I believe in you and you will get through this. Just hold on!
Your Friend
I can't imagine what you must be going through. It's hard enough for "us drunks" to stay sober when there isn't anything stressful going on. Whatever you have to do to not drink, do it. You have enough stress and s*** you are going through and to add a major relapse on top of it......It would be more than most people can bear. The cabin fiasco was a a small speed bump! Think how badly you feel about the cabin incident. You don't want to feel worse I know. You could also look at it from another angle too. What if something happens and your Father , God Forbid, takes a turn for the worse and you are wasted and can't even go be with him or the rest of your family? How s***ty would you feel then? That would be a bender that you would torture yourself with for the rest of your life! You gotta just hold on my friend. Hold on! Hold on! I believe in you and you will get through this. Just hold on!
Your Friend
Hun, you are sooo right, I have thought about about that, and that is one thing that is keeping me sober, Dad was sick 7 years ago , and I was there but I wasn't, I was drunk, stoned anything I could do, to avoid the situation, now I am "facing the music" not probably as much as I would like to be, but way better than what I was. I'm even thinking I shouldn't take these sleeping pills because they knock me out within 20 minutes ( I timed it, control freak that I am heehee :)) Have to find humour somewhere..
How are things with you, enough about me, I loved your post about why life is better without booze, I can relate to every single thing you posted.
Love ya my friend
Lovedove xox
How are things with you, enough about me, I loved your post about why life is better without booze, I can relate to every single thing you posted.
Love ya my friend
Lovedove xox
Hi Love-Dove,
I'm doing okay. Just pluggin' along. On 8/6 it will be 11 months for me. I have felt lately that I was planning a relapse. You know all the typical BS that comes with that. My usual codependent martyr crap that I pull. Then today at the office a statement came for me from my insurance company showing all of the things they covered when I was in the hospital last year from 9/5-9/18. I swear everything happens for a reason. Out of all days for that to come and for me to even see it. Usually it just goes in the insurance file and I never even see them. So I am trying to think positive and just plug along.
You seem to be well aware of what could happen and that is a step in the right direction. You just keep reading and posting and hold on. I am here if you ever need friend.
Take Care
I'm doing okay. Just pluggin' along. On 8/6 it will be 11 months for me. I have felt lately that I was planning a relapse. You know all the typical BS that comes with that. My usual codependent martyr crap that I pull. Then today at the office a statement came for me from my insurance company showing all of the things they covered when I was in the hospital last year from 9/5-9/18. I swear everything happens for a reason. Out of all days for that to come and for me to even see it. Usually it just goes in the insurance file and I never even see them. So I am trying to think positive and just plug along.
You seem to be well aware of what could happen and that is a step in the right direction. You just keep reading and posting and hold on. I am here if you ever need friend.
Take Care
Hi Hun, That really is sh***y about the insurance, things do happen for a reason, and I'm thinking it's a test, I pray you pass!! and you will!! congradulations on 11 months that is wonderful..... keep going strong, you are so worth it, I'm in your corner, and I have a big heart, that is praying for you...
I'm off to the hospital, so I will check in later.....
Lots of love,
Liz xoxoxo
I'm off to the hospital, so I will check in later.....
Lots of love,
Liz xoxoxo
aww sweetie don't take it so hard - I crashed and burned too so I KNOW that horrible feeling of beating on yourself, and realising that all that progress you threw away and you're back at square one or maybe even worse off.
but there's still hope, still a chance every single day gives us that fresh opportunity to step forward and step sober you know?
You have so much going on in your life and its so hard when the pressure builds cause then we are reacting off emotion and not doing what we need to do like letting go and praying and all of that stuff. When you're in emotion like that you can't even think and before you know it you're in the middle of insanity again.
You are not alone LD - boy some of us me included have been/are right where you are. I don't mean that I have every single one of your problems, like your Dad and all. I mean mentally in that battle with the booze and handling life and all of that.
Learn the lessons from it that's what I'm trying to do, just learn the lessons and move forward. Pick myself up and go on a day at a time. Its a cliche but its so true - I lost sight of that and look where I ended up, drunk, passed out on the verge of a mental breakdown.
So glad you're still posting - missed you heaps.
love
Idgie.
but there's still hope, still a chance every single day gives us that fresh opportunity to step forward and step sober you know?
You have so much going on in your life and its so hard when the pressure builds cause then we are reacting off emotion and not doing what we need to do like letting go and praying and all of that stuff. When you're in emotion like that you can't even think and before you know it you're in the middle of insanity again.
You are not alone LD - boy some of us me included have been/are right where you are. I don't mean that I have every single one of your problems, like your Dad and all. I mean mentally in that battle with the booze and handling life and all of that.
Learn the lessons from it that's what I'm trying to do, just learn the lessons and move forward. Pick myself up and go on a day at a time. Its a cliche but its so true - I lost sight of that and look where I ended up, drunk, passed out on the verge of a mental breakdown.
So glad you're still posting - missed you heaps.
love
Idgie.
BTW Vally you are such a doll I love your posts you always post such encouraging things - sometimes I can't get the words out, my brain is like banana mush LOL.
Idgie,
You rock too my friend, BTW. Thanks for the props and I am here for you too pal.
Love, Vally
You rock too my friend, BTW. Thanks for the props and I am here for you too pal.
Love, Vally
Hey Love dove,
We are now in the same country girl !! I love this place its awesome!
A long way from home for me, but I have meet some wonderful people here already and I have only been here a few days,
Hope things are working out for you,
Take Care Ginge
We are now in the same country girl !! I love this place its awesome!
A long way from home for me, but I have meet some wonderful people here already and I have only been here a few days,
Hope things are working out for you,
Take Care Ginge
Hi Idgie! Great to hear from you hun, thank-you for your concern and special inspirational words, they really do mean alot. And yes it really sucks, to think I had come all that way, and then .........WHAM... I really thought I had progressed pass that, goes to show never get to cocky!!!!! I think deep inside I knew I would give in when my Dad got worse,part of me wanted to just get wasted forever, the REAL me knows better, and that I am better, when I don't drink, I just don't handle family stress well and nobody does, and everyone has their breaking point, like you mentioned it's all on how you handle it People say: Roll with the punches, go with the flow,your an adult, blah, blah, blah.... like you and I haven't heard that a THOUSAND times.... and I know, but that bottle says, hey come on, drink it away, forget, forget, you're all right, you can handle it, and then..... well you know.....and then all goes to rat sh**it... Sorry to dump, as you can tell I'm in a really pi***y mood...
Love ya,
lovedove xoxox
Love ya,
lovedove xoxox
Hey Ginge, Welcome to Canada Eh!!!!!
Where are you????
Where are you????
Oh LD just let it all hang out LOL you know that's why we are hear, sounding boards to get it all off your chest :)
Yup get wasted for the rest of your life - yep I have felt exactly the same, that's how powerful that darn addiction is - that's the nature of the insanity we deal with. And as you say the REAL you or me is down there in the black hole shouting "wait a minute" but being drowned out by the drunken monkey on our shoulder going "have another drink".
My sponsor told me that about the drunken monkey - I love it. And she said that monkey has been drunk so long it's insane so don't listen to it.
Now I've been distracted away from writing this and can't remember the rest of what you posted LOL. I will try and write more later - gotta jet out now.
Idg.
Yup get wasted for the rest of your life - yep I have felt exactly the same, that's how powerful that darn addiction is - that's the nature of the insanity we deal with. And as you say the REAL you or me is down there in the black hole shouting "wait a minute" but being drowned out by the drunken monkey on our shoulder going "have another drink".
My sponsor told me that about the drunken monkey - I love it. And she said that monkey has been drunk so long it's insane so don't listen to it.
Now I've been distracted away from writing this and can't remember the rest of what you posted LOL. I will try and write more later - gotta jet out now.
Idg.
Hey Lovedove be strong as every hour, day, week, yearthat you do not drink is a victory over addiction yes some people die trying etc etc but also a lot of people succeed and i know you are one who will.
I knew at 18 (my first attempt at dieing) i had a problem and it took me till i was 32 to sort my sh*t out. I didn't know of any other options left to me except death and i didn't want to die when i was sober.
So hang in there be strong and give my love and hugs to your dad and also yourself although when hugging yourself from me remember no more than 30 seconds or my mind starts to wanderLOL
Light and love Zac
I knew at 18 (my first attempt at dieing) i had a problem and it took me till i was 32 to sort my sh*t out. I didn't know of any other options left to me except death and i didn't want to die when i was sober.
So hang in there be strong and give my love and hugs to your dad and also yourself although when hugging yourself from me remember no more than 30 seconds or my mind starts to wanderLOL
Light and love Zac
LD I'm SO happy to see you back, I was worried! Sorry you had such a terrible weekend, we've all had our crash-and-burn moments for sure... hope you will be able to pick yourself up & be there for your dad... even though it's really hard to cope (esp with your H being such an unsupportive a*s, sorry but it sure seems to be true), I am certain you will feel better about it in the long run. In the meantime keep posting & getting it all out, like Idgie said that's why we're here! Love ya girl, big fat hugs from me to you!
Hey everyone!! Thanks for your posts, I have't drank anything since last Saturday, mind you there are coolers in the fridge that I had better get rid of, mind you I'm not home much these days, and I am usually far too tired to drink by the time I do get home, but I shouldn't be tempting myself!! I feel good today, Dad seemed bright last night, so it makes me feel good, I will be going up later but I think I'm going to have just a little R&R down by the pool today.. I think it will do me some good!
Love you guys!!
lovedove :)
Love you guys!!
lovedove :)
Hi Love Dove,
Glad you are feeling a little better and especially glad to hear your Dad is a little better.
You should give yourself a little pat on the back for NOT drinking considering all the temptation. Good job my friend.
Have a great relaxing time by the pool. Re-energize yourself and get some Vitamin D from the sun. It really will help you feel better.
Take care
Glad you are feeling a little better and especially glad to hear your Dad is a little better.
You should give yourself a little pat on the back for NOT drinking considering all the temptation. Good job my friend.
Have a great relaxing time by the pool. Re-energize yourself and get some Vitamin D from the sun. It really will help you feel better.
Take care
Hey lovedove, enjoy your poolside time... as always, you've gotta take care of you... glad dad seems to be feeling a little better too. Stay in touch, OK? Hugs are now being sent telepathically across the Canadian border to you... ;)
Hey LD you sound a little better - brrrrr its so weird to think of you all hot and going to the pool when it is FREEZING here. It was so cold last night here. I woke up in the middle of the night and my cat had crawled under the covers, lying next to me with his head on the pillow and his little paw on my shoulder he was so cold LOL.
You can come jump in my pool ify ou would like to cool off - I think there's ice-cubes floating in it right now LOL.
You can come jump in my pool ify ou would like to cool off - I think there's ice-cubes floating in it right now LOL.
