Hi. Some of you might remember me from a year or so ago. I posted on this site looking for help on how to handle my boyfriend's crack cocain addiction. I'm gald to come here and now write about the fact that I have overcome his additction and my own as well. I left him. I turned my back. And all of you women here who think that you will not live without him, or he will die if you leave him, or he will get worse if you leave him. I'm here to tell you, YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF. He is doing what he is doing knowingly. And what we try to do is help them not kill themselves...but...we can't do that.....because inadvertinly....we are killing ourselves. They have to help themselves as we do. My ex loves me...he still trys to contact me and beggs me to come back to him. He has not moved on with his life...he still does the things that I left him for. And he will not stop until he wants to. I however, had enough. And at that point...I got up...walked away...and never looked back. And my life has improved 100%. I do not obsess any longer over what he is doing or where he is or who he is with. I no longer stay up at night crying because I have not heard from him. I don't questions my every action because I think it is going to make him do something. Because I realised that no matter what...I did not make him do anything and never did.
I cannot stress to you women out there enough....TURN AROUND AND LEAVE...do yourself a favor and save your own life. Take some time to find yourself again...because I know you have lost yourselves as I did at one point. Please don't misunderstand me...I still love him...He still is in my heart and I wish him well because he is a wonderful person without the drugs...but...I cannot be with him...because it harms me. And that is what all of you out there need to see. This harms you more than it hams anyone else. Please....take some time and think about it....what are you so scared of? Why is it so hard to walk away from them? They walk away from you every time they use...and don't think twice.
I hope this opens up at least one persons eyes...
Thank you Lost so much for your post.
I'm sure it will be very helpful for a lot of people here.
I'm glad to hear that your life is much better and you are at peace.
Keep in touch,
Mickey
I'm sure it will be very helpful for a lot of people here.
I'm glad to hear that your life is much better and you are at peace.
Keep in touch,
Mickey
Lost thanks so much! I think all of us here who are dating an addict needed to hear that! You asked why we stay. I stay for the reasons you described..and I'm always scared of the unknown like what if I don't find love again? etc...
Hi lost.. I remember you. I too have left my husband back in May of 2004. We are now divorced as of Dec 3rd 2004. Yes, it was the hardest thing that I have ever went through and continue to struggle with at times. I have to deal with my ex b/c we have a daughter together. He has been through rehab and little counseling, only to continue to use. He is progressivly getting worse on his own accord. He no longer makes me feel that it's my fault or that I have anyting to do with his use....his family has now seen the devistation that he's caused for me and now for them. Once I made him leave, he turned to his family and friends only to destroy them too. I have moved on with my life and I finally can say that I"m happy. I do have to say at this point that it was much easier to walk away from him, then to continue to live that lifestyle day after day. Never again will I be someones enabler.
I want to wish the best of luck for those wondering if you should leave your spouse / bf. You can do it, but only when you've had enough. How do you know when you've had enough???? Trust me, you will know.
I want to wish the best of luck for those wondering if you should leave your spouse / bf. You can do it, but only when you've had enough. How do you know when you've had enough???? Trust me, you will know.
Lost, what was your first step towards leaving? How did you find the courage to actually leave. I have tried so many times, but always fail as soon as he calls and sounds sad. And how did you deal with any guilt, that seems to be one of my biggest problems I think. He says that I told him "I would stick by him, now I am leaving like everyone else in my life"??? Please give some pointers if you have any
Hi Poohbear
Is your boyfriend out of rehab now?
You posted that he said "I would stick by him, now I am leaving like everyone else in my life"??? He's being very immature about this statement. If he doesn't do anything to help himself with his problem, how can he expect you to live up to that statement. He's using that statement against you to make his actions and his choices OK.
It sounds like he's not willing to accept the responsibility for the reason that you are leaving. Instead of doing that and doing something about it, he's trying to use every trick in the book (other than stopping the drugs) to make you stay and put up with it and him. He's using your words against you and making himself out to be the big victim. But he's choosing to be the victim here by continuing his behaviours. But he's a victim of himself, NOT of you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about unless you think if makes sense to feel guilty for doing everything you can to help someone and make their life better (even though that should be their own responsibility).
They know how to manipulate though and make you feel bad and guilty and the one to blame for all their problems.
Don't fall for it. Just do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically).
Hope things get better for you!
Mickey
Is your boyfriend out of rehab now?
You posted that he said "I would stick by him, now I am leaving like everyone else in my life"??? He's being very immature about this statement. If he doesn't do anything to help himself with his problem, how can he expect you to live up to that statement. He's using that statement against you to make his actions and his choices OK.
It sounds like he's not willing to accept the responsibility for the reason that you are leaving. Instead of doing that and doing something about it, he's trying to use every trick in the book (other than stopping the drugs) to make you stay and put up with it and him. He's using your words against you and making himself out to be the big victim. But he's choosing to be the victim here by continuing his behaviours. But he's a victim of himself, NOT of you.
You have nothing to feel guilty about unless you think if makes sense to feel guilty for doing everything you can to help someone and make their life better (even though that should be their own responsibility).
They know how to manipulate though and make you feel bad and guilty and the one to blame for all their problems.
Don't fall for it. Just do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy (mentally and physically).
Hope things get better for you!
Mickey
hi everyone, dont know if anyone remembers me i posted a little last month....i was living with my 'addict' for 6 months i asked him to leave, for good, 3 weeks ago, i had to split with my partner because of outside pressure which was custody of my daughter, my daughters dad found out that i was seein a heroin addict and basically threatened to take me to court for custody... also my best friend really took a step back from our friendship because of my desisions to stay with my 'addict' despite the numerous things he'd done to me.... im starting to get used to lfe without him now and its good to have my friend back im now getting 2 little kittens to take up my time and to focus my attention on, as i do feel i need to be needed, cant wait im gonna call them cleo and saffy (saffron) anyway im babblin now hope you're all keeping well, i wish you all the strength whether you stay or go, remember to take care of YOU and dont lose yourself in THEIR addiction
much love
healable
xxx
much love
healable
xxx
Lost, I think you are now FOUND!!! You go girl. What an inspiration your post is.
Thanks,
Judy
Thanks,
Judy
Lost I hope I have the courage you have right now. I'm getting there and I'm sure I will get there. You're right we have no control over them. They seem to have more control over us. I'm there. I hope my b/f gets the help he needs but there is nothing I can do anymore. I've done as much as I can to help out. As I mentioned in my earlier post I need to get on with life and get in touch with my life again. It's been a long time since I knew what living was all about without having to worry about someone else. I salute you for what you have done and I applaud you as well.
Lost
I'm happy for you, i too hope your post gives others the courage to change their situation, if we wait for someone else to make us happy we will wait forever it's up to us, it was great to read your post, all the very best to you....love Molly.
I'm happy for you, i too hope your post gives others the courage to change their situation, if we wait for someone else to make us happy we will wait forever it's up to us, it was great to read your post, all the very best to you....love Molly.
Hey Molly,
Our computer has been acting really weird and I can't keep signed on to aol for more than 5 or 10 min. at a time. Will has been working on it and it's up and running.
I am concerned very much for enabler. Her post over the weekend sounded very desperate. Have you communicated with her?
I hope so. I was so terribly sick, went to the Dr, Fri, have bronchitis, got a shot and antibiotics, feeling almost human again.
Gonna try to catch up on emails in the next few days so.. will write.
It's old and snowing in KY.
Love, Judy
Our computer has been acting really weird and I can't keep signed on to aol for more than 5 or 10 min. at a time. Will has been working on it and it's up and running.
I am concerned very much for enabler. Her post over the weekend sounded very desperate. Have you communicated with her?
I hope so. I was so terribly sick, went to the Dr, Fri, have bronchitis, got a shot and antibiotics, feeling almost human again.
Gonna try to catch up on emails in the next few days so.. will write.
It's old and snowing in KY.
Love, Judy
Hi Judy
Yes i am concerned too about jj did you notice in one of her posts she said "goodbye" ? that scared me i know what that feels like - let's hope she just doesn't feel up to posting hope you feel better - must go and do drinks for everyone ciao for now it's snowing here too!!!!!with love molly
Yes i am concerned too about jj did you notice in one of her posts she said "goodbye" ? that scared me i know what that feels like - let's hope she just doesn't feel up to posting hope you feel better - must go and do drinks for everyone ciao for now it's snowing here too!!!!!with love molly
Hi everyone...
Thank you everyone for your good wishes. I want all of you to know that you are doing well too.
Poobear...I wish there was something that I could tell you to make you feel better. I know the state that you are in right now, looking for the right answer, the right comment, the right feeling...anything that you can grab onto. Unfortunately, you will not find it here or anywhere but in yourself. You have to bring up your confidence...know that you are better than this and that you can walk away and be much happier once you do. As far as guilt goes...there is none. Why does he not feel guilty when he uses? That is who should feel guilty...I'm sure he has promised you he would behave and not use....now he is lying to you like he does to everyone else as well as himself so therefore you react like everyone else...it's as simple as that. That is the reasoning you keep in your mind when he throw that card at you. Because that is what it is. It's like a game to them. My ex had told me after we broke up that it was like russian rulet with me...he didn't think that I would ever leave because I always came back no matter how hurt I was...until the day I finally did and he didn't know what to do with himself. But you know what...it didn't stop him for doing what he does..because he still uses. What you are doing is breaking an additction as they need to do. You need to break your addiction to him. As long as you are with him...you are letting him hurt you...and believe me...I know how bad you want to beleive he will stop because he loves you and he wants to be with you and this time is the last time....but...he is not going to. He will continue and it will only get worse and worse. Don't let him bring you down. Just remember...you are a wonderful person...and as long as you know that...you will be able to do anything that you want to do.
All of us women here are stronger than we think. If we are strong enoug to stay in these relationships...then we are strong enough to leave them. Because believe me I never thought it would be easier to live without him than it is to live with him.
I wish you all good luck...and peace in your hearts and your minds. Just remember to love .... YOU.... that is who is most important.
Thank you everyone for your good wishes. I want all of you to know that you are doing well too.
Poobear...I wish there was something that I could tell you to make you feel better. I know the state that you are in right now, looking for the right answer, the right comment, the right feeling...anything that you can grab onto. Unfortunately, you will not find it here or anywhere but in yourself. You have to bring up your confidence...know that you are better than this and that you can walk away and be much happier once you do. As far as guilt goes...there is none. Why does he not feel guilty when he uses? That is who should feel guilty...I'm sure he has promised you he would behave and not use....now he is lying to you like he does to everyone else as well as himself so therefore you react like everyone else...it's as simple as that. That is the reasoning you keep in your mind when he throw that card at you. Because that is what it is. It's like a game to them. My ex had told me after we broke up that it was like russian rulet with me...he didn't think that I would ever leave because I always came back no matter how hurt I was...until the day I finally did and he didn't know what to do with himself. But you know what...it didn't stop him for doing what he does..because he still uses. What you are doing is breaking an additction as they need to do. You need to break your addiction to him. As long as you are with him...you are letting him hurt you...and believe me...I know how bad you want to beleive he will stop because he loves you and he wants to be with you and this time is the last time....but...he is not going to. He will continue and it will only get worse and worse. Don't let him bring you down. Just remember...you are a wonderful person...and as long as you know that...you will be able to do anything that you want to do.
All of us women here are stronger than we think. If we are strong enoug to stay in these relationships...then we are strong enough to leave them. Because believe me I never thought it would be easier to live without him than it is to live with him.
I wish you all good luck...and peace in your hearts and your minds. Just remember to love .... YOU.... that is who is most important.
