I heard from my b/f, I swear he dosn't sound like himself, his voice is cold and distant. When I try to talk with him he won't listen and hangs up, it's like I don't know this person. His speech is clear so I don't believe he's high but he has zero tolerance.
It hurts so much that he is being so cold and cruel to me. I wanted to call him after he hung up on me but I erased his cell phone # so I wouldn't be tempted.
Why does he keep hanging up on me?????? I haven't said anything wrong?????
I am at work and I acn't even concentrate
Marie,
You are not crazy. Perhaps you have not learned to detach from this confusing and co dependent behavior. It could be something that you have lived with before and you are now coming to realize that it is upsetting to you and you don't deserve to be treated like this. Bob B. posted this yesterday about co-dependency in case you don't understand what it is. I hope you will listen to it, print it out, take it in, think about it and see if any of it applies to your relationships. It may help you make some sense out of what is going on right now. I'm sorry you are so upset. If you possibly can, take your mind off of it and do something objective. I promise when you change your thinking, your thoughts will follow
.
Co-dependent Relationships
by Mr. Stone
The term "co-dependency" has become a common expression, appearing in articles, books and talk shows. But what does the term really mean? How do you know if you are in a co-dependent relationship?
Co-dependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. For example, a female partner may spend most of her attention and time assisting her lover in recovering from drug addiction. She feels a sense of purpose and may appear to be wonderfully self-sacrificing. However, she may also be avoiding her own unhappiness and personal issues -- like her fear of abandonment. Her partner may believe that he can't deal with his addiction without her. He vacillates between feeling grateful for her help and resentful for what he feels is her nagging and smothering behavior. Many co-dependent partners report feeling "let down," "taken advantage of," or "trapped" by their needy partner when they are really "trapped" by their own overwhelming neediness. The addicted partner is also using his complaints about the relationship to avoid dealing with his own neediness and addiction
In co-dependent relationships, "We need each other," which can be a healthy thing, often covers over "I need you to need me"; this can lead to "I will keep you needy because, if you ever get better, I am afraid that you will leave me." This kind of interaction is grounded in desperation and often spawns abusive and obsessive relationships grounded in neediness and control rather than love and respect.
Where does dependency come from? We are born dependent and needy. Becoming self-reliant is the result of a developmental process which involves the support of our parents and other caretakers. Normal progression begins with "symbiosis," moves to increasing competence, then to independence, and, finally to interdependence. In co-dependent relationships, these normal shifts get "stuck," leading to an incomplete sense of self and an inability to stand on one's own.
Symbiosis is the stage in which an infant bonds with its mother and, perhaps, other caretakers. When this stage gets derailed, it's as if the frightened child within is saying, "I cant live without you," "You have to meet all my needs," "Never leave me!" Alternatively, some people get stuck with an inner voice of a needy caregiver: "I will meet all your needs and never leave you as long as you promise to need me and me alone forever."
The next stage of development involves, a growing sense of competence. The individual develops some ability to be a separate person and to care for him or herself. As infants become toddlers, they can stand on their own two feet, walk, talk, assert themselves, grab food from the cabinet, and rely on their "blankie" for comfort. This real progress is often accompanied by a willful denial of dependency: "I am no baby!!" In co-dependent relationships, such real progress is a threat to the stability of the relationship. A co-dependent person believes that when his or her partner is no longer needy, he or she has nothing to offer.
The next stage involves the beginning of real independence. Toddlers become children who can make some decisions about what they want. They can go off to school or down the block to play with friends and can give voice to the person they are. Children who are encouraged to make independent decisions and to deal with the consequences of their decisions can begin to feel in control of their lives. They will be ready for the challenges of adolescence and for taking their place in the world as competent, dependable, caring adults.
This independence can lead to interdependence, whereby children can move comfortably between being both independent and dependent, competent and needy depending on the situation and their own level of growth. Children need to know that their competence and initiative are appreciated. It is equally critical for children to know that they can ask for help and support when it is needed without being shamed.
The development of independence and interdependence mark the end of co-dependent relationships. For a co-dependent person, this is scary; without the glue of neediness, they wonder what will hold a relationship together. Because they don't understand that there are better ways to bind a relationship, they fear that there can be no relationship at all.
This developmental pathway is not only a story of how we grow up from infancy to adulthood, but is also a map which can help us understand where things could have gone wrong. Co-dependency could result from any of these stages being interrupted; the death of a parent, the breakup of the family, illness, a move, a traumatic event, are all examples of things that can intrude on the normal developmental process. Co-dependency can also result from any of these stages not being supported by parents and other caregivers and partners who struggle with their own co-dependency issues.
How do we overcome co-dependency? This developmental pathway to independence and interdependence is always available to us and our loved ones. We can move from the symbiosis of "I cant live without you," to the counter-dependency of "I refuse to be co-dependent" with its baby-steps toward a separate self, to the more solid foundation of being centered in an independent self, and then to the maturity of interdependence. A first step is to recognize the problem and reach out for help. Once help is received, it is critical to stick with the process of recovery through the fears and protests of neediness from within as well as outside the self. In this process, a person needs support from others who can show them the way, challenge them when they are falling back into old ways, and cheer them on.
Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes
You are not crazy. Perhaps you have not learned to detach from this confusing and co dependent behavior. It could be something that you have lived with before and you are now coming to realize that it is upsetting to you and you don't deserve to be treated like this. Bob B. posted this yesterday about co-dependency in case you don't understand what it is. I hope you will listen to it, print it out, take it in, think about it and see if any of it applies to your relationships. It may help you make some sense out of what is going on right now. I'm sorry you are so upset. If you possibly can, take your mind off of it and do something objective. I promise when you change your thinking, your thoughts will follow
.
Co-dependent Relationships
by Mr. Stone
The term "co-dependency" has become a common expression, appearing in articles, books and talk shows. But what does the term really mean? How do you know if you are in a co-dependent relationship?
Co-dependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. For example, a female partner may spend most of her attention and time assisting her lover in recovering from drug addiction. She feels a sense of purpose and may appear to be wonderfully self-sacrificing. However, she may also be avoiding her own unhappiness and personal issues -- like her fear of abandonment. Her partner may believe that he can't deal with his addiction without her. He vacillates between feeling grateful for her help and resentful for what he feels is her nagging and smothering behavior. Many co-dependent partners report feeling "let down," "taken advantage of," or "trapped" by their needy partner when they are really "trapped" by their own overwhelming neediness. The addicted partner is also using his complaints about the relationship to avoid dealing with his own neediness and addiction
In co-dependent relationships, "We need each other," which can be a healthy thing, often covers over "I need you to need me"; this can lead to "I will keep you needy because, if you ever get better, I am afraid that you will leave me." This kind of interaction is grounded in desperation and often spawns abusive and obsessive relationships grounded in neediness and control rather than love and respect.
Where does dependency come from? We are born dependent and needy. Becoming self-reliant is the result of a developmental process which involves the support of our parents and other caretakers. Normal progression begins with "symbiosis," moves to increasing competence, then to independence, and, finally to interdependence. In co-dependent relationships, these normal shifts get "stuck," leading to an incomplete sense of self and an inability to stand on one's own.
Symbiosis is the stage in which an infant bonds with its mother and, perhaps, other caretakers. When this stage gets derailed, it's as if the frightened child within is saying, "I cant live without you," "You have to meet all my needs," "Never leave me!" Alternatively, some people get stuck with an inner voice of a needy caregiver: "I will meet all your needs and never leave you as long as you promise to need me and me alone forever."
The next stage of development involves, a growing sense of competence. The individual develops some ability to be a separate person and to care for him or herself. As infants become toddlers, they can stand on their own two feet, walk, talk, assert themselves, grab food from the cabinet, and rely on their "blankie" for comfort. This real progress is often accompanied by a willful denial of dependency: "I am no baby!!" In co-dependent relationships, such real progress is a threat to the stability of the relationship. A co-dependent person believes that when his or her partner is no longer needy, he or she has nothing to offer.
The next stage involves the beginning of real independence. Toddlers become children who can make some decisions about what they want. They can go off to school or down the block to play with friends and can give voice to the person they are. Children who are encouraged to make independent decisions and to deal with the consequences of their decisions can begin to feel in control of their lives. They will be ready for the challenges of adolescence and for taking their place in the world as competent, dependable, caring adults.
This independence can lead to interdependence, whereby children can move comfortably between being both independent and dependent, competent and needy depending on the situation and their own level of growth. Children need to know that their competence and initiative are appreciated. It is equally critical for children to know that they can ask for help and support when it is needed without being shamed.
The development of independence and interdependence mark the end of co-dependent relationships. For a co-dependent person, this is scary; without the glue of neediness, they wonder what will hold a relationship together. Because they don't understand that there are better ways to bind a relationship, they fear that there can be no relationship at all.
This developmental pathway is not only a story of how we grow up from infancy to adulthood, but is also a map which can help us understand where things could have gone wrong. Co-dependency could result from any of these stages being interrupted; the death of a parent, the breakup of the family, illness, a move, a traumatic event, are all examples of things that can intrude on the normal developmental process. Co-dependency can also result from any of these stages not being supported by parents and other caregivers and partners who struggle with their own co-dependency issues.
How do we overcome co-dependency? This developmental pathway to independence and interdependence is always available to us and our loved ones. We can move from the symbiosis of "I cant live without you," to the counter-dependency of "I refuse to be co-dependent" with its baby-steps toward a separate self, to the more solid foundation of being centered in an independent self, and then to the maturity of interdependence. A first step is to recognize the problem and reach out for help. Once help is received, it is critical to stick with the process of recovery through the fears and protests of neediness from within as well as outside the self. In this process, a person needs support from others who can show them the way, challenge them when they are falling back into old ways, and cheer them on.
Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes
Marie,
It might help you to not answer his calls. That way you may begin to detach from his behavior and be able to have some control over your life once again.
I had to do this with my 25 year old son.. see my posting.. I won't consent to this.. that I posted just a short time ago.
Hang in there.
Judy
It might help you to not answer his calls. That way you may begin to detach from his behavior and be able to have some control over your life once again.
I had to do this with my 25 year old son.. see my posting.. I won't consent to this.. that I posted just a short time ago.
Hang in there.
Judy
BUMP