I Love Him To Much To Let Go.....

well i dont really know where to start..actually i have explained my long story in an earlier post...(I MISS MY BEST FRIEND...MY HUSBAND) was the name of my topic.....at that point i didnt know this site for loved ones was here.....i feel so alone and i wake up everyday wondering is this gonna be the day he dies from the s***.....or go to jail for life or end up hurting someone while he is high.....i love this man more than life....he was my everything....he is my everything.....i miss him soooooo much i could scream so loud that every ear would hear me......i am dying inside without him here and clean.....his kids miss him so bad and i ran out of explanations to give them along time ago.....i cant take anymore....everyday i have to go through pure hell inside myself not knowing whats gonna happen next....i give and give till i cant give anymore....i have tried it all.....from getting high with him to totally turning my back on him and nothing helps or even comes close to changing anything....the more i try to help the more he stays away......he addmitts his problem and talks about getting help and trying to be the man he used to be....but all in alli am afriad he is just trying to tell me what he thinks i wanna hear from him at that time.....what the hell am i supposed to do.....my everyday life goes from trying to protect my kids from hurting over him not being home to wondering whats gonna happen next....i have seen counslers and nothing seems to help the worrying....i am on anti-deppresents and anti-anxioty meds. but they r not even coming close to helping me....i am in my own hell here and i have no where to turn.....is the rest of my life gonna be like this.....i am dying inside more everyday.....i just want him to see what he is missing out on and how bad he is hurting his children and i ....not to mention the rest of the family......what can i do????...where can i turn????.....if there is anyone out there that knows where he is coming from and can tell me what hit home with them that i could try PLEASE feel free to tell me where to go from here????....somethings got to give......i just hope its not me......i care more about him then he cares about himself right now.....i feel i am his only hope if he decides to reach out.....Please someone help me here?????



thank you!!!!!!
take care and i wish you all the best of health and happiness.....:)
Dear Lonelymom,

I understand what you're going through but for me it was my precious son that changed so drastically. He would steal, cheat, and lie to get money for his heroin. He even stole from us...saying that he pulled the wrong VISA card out for his withdraws (to buy drugs).....duh....the wrong card THREE times???? I don't think so! I don't know so! That hurt me very deeply...especially when my husband and I were advancing him money to pay his rent for several months to keep him out of legal problems, and then he turned around and got caught doing a retail theft job for drug money. It has been the worst nightmare of my life, especially when we had to leave our son do time in prison to get him to detox. The good news is that he agreed to pretrail services to get unsecured bail, and that includes rehab. In addition, we finally found a doctor who can prescribe suboxone, which helps a GREAT deal with the withdrawal symptoms...makes it bearable. My son told me that without the suboxone, he thinks of heroin all the time; and with the suboxone, he doesn't even think about it at all. Thank God for suboxone. Check out Mistyeyes posts under the Pain Pills forum. Good luck, God bless, and I care! I will help any way I can.

Susan
Lonelymom,
I remember missing my husband like that........your post brought it all back.
It felt as if a knife was being repeatedly stabbed through my heart....everytime I looked at him, talked to him, it was painful. I was right there in front of him but I was invisible to his eyes.......The drugs were the only thing he cared about, obsessed over......
I am going to see if I can try to help you....You have said you tried it all......Try this don't ignore, don't push, don't fight.......Love, support......and then live your life......Enjoy the kids and the things you like to do......The need we have at times to fix them is overwheling, yet we can't fix them, they have to want to get help on their own......If he is talking about getting help and you believe he might if he knew how, then give him options.....but only once.....gather some info on in and out patient treatment...look up suboxone, as an option and give him all info and tell him.....If he wants to be clean that there is a way! Then step back and leave it all up to him.........
The obsession to fix.......and the need to control........will totally consume you if you let it. You will lose you alittle at a time........always the best of you goes first......leaving you broken......
I have a lot of info....on suboxone....AA for him.....alanon or naranon for you....
you can email me if you want rtrka5@yahoo.com, or I will post on here, just ask....
Good luck to you, and take care of you and your children......
Tina


dear lonelymom

Brilliant post by Tina - i felt quite tearful by your post the best i can say is ditto to what tina said..........please look after yourself
love
Molly
My only addition to Tina's post (which is basically saying the same thing in a different way) is you have to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you and your children.
You are still putting all of your focus on him and his actions and his reactions to you and so on.
Follow Tina's advice and start putting all of your focus on you and your kids. As long as you keep him the focus of your life, you will stay right where you are which is suffering.
You can't help him - he has to help himself. You can only support and love him. There is a difference. However, you cannot support him while he is still in active addiction because that just crosses the line to enabling.
Take care of yourself first,
Mickey
I know what your going through. I felt all those same feelings a month or so ago. This site helped me so much and all the advice people give is so true. Thankfully my boyfriend is going through home detox and since this has happened he is a different person, he's my boyfriend again, we laugh together and love and respect eachother again. I dont worry about where he is or what he is doing or check his pockets and eyes. I dont get stressed and feel permanently depressed and tired. I have managed to detach myself from all of this. But I know its only because I know he's getting help, if he wasnt then I would still be feeling the same as you. Another thing is I used to think that perhaps all these feelings were in my head and I made myself feel these things and I caused all the arguments. But now I know that it was all down to him using again that the problem came from. As now he's going to meetings and not using and looks healthier and is happier I can trust him again and not nag and worry. Its like a huge weight has been lifted and Im happy again. Whether it will last I dont know.

But for you it must be so much harder as you have children. Dont live your life like this, you will look back and regret it, and it will probably drive you into an early grave. I know how it made me feel and I hated every minute of it and pray I dont have to go through it all again. Listent to the advice on here it helped me so much. He needs to prove to you that he is getting help and when he is getting better you will know and you will get better too.
wonderful, helena.

life as it should be lived !
Thanks Bob B

I am really proud of my boyfriend and things going good, just hope it all lasts. I wont be able to put myself through it all again. But yes I am happy. A lot of it is to do with everybody on this site and all there support its good to know your not alone! But also down to bf for making a change.
helena, yes, i agree. same in my situation. but, you know, it took me to change and a change of my mind, before a change could start for him. sometimes that's how it works.
lonelymother, are you still with us ?
I know exactly what your going through.I just moved to get away from my kids dad. His addiction became more important than us. I have three kids with him but I feel like Im their only parent. It got to where I just had to do what was best for the kids. It hurt to leave him and not to know how he was or where he was but I thought this will make him or break him. Either way we are going to be ok. I heard from him and he said he was trying to get into rehab. I guess well see. Its not up to me now.
stronger, thanks for sharing with us.
first of all i want to deeply thank all of you who share with me......i am trying hard to be positive and concentrate on the children and myself.....but its like all this anger moved in my heart and now i am wishing someone would push me over the edge so i could release all this....god i know that sounded so hateful....i am embarrassed to admitt it but thats how i feel......is this a normal feeling????.....usually i am a very giving, loving, independant, strong woman in which a lot of people can count on and i have become this angry chic that is ugly and withdrawn from life......but anyways........i ahve gone over in my head all the things that have been said to me on here and i am trying to think a lil differently today than i did yesterday, and hopefully, i will get through the day a lil easier....but being positive seems to be the only hope for me for i know that if i dont change something, that this pain is gonna manifest inside me and i am gonna do something i cant change and regret it for the rest of my life.........well my "friends" i just wanted to thank you all very much...you guys need to know how important it is when you do reply to a post....in my case you all help to fill a lonliness that has become too much.....i check my posts often, atleast a couple times a day........so but anyways......i am needed by my kids at the moment so i need to run.....take care and hope to hear from u all soon!!!!!

JAIME:)
LonelyMother,

I know the pain and frustration you are feeling about your husband. I feel the same way totally! I feel like I'm in this darkness and I've been there for so long! I've tried everything to help him, from leaving him to threatening him, I've done everything! Nothing works!
We go to the mall where my ex works and he hates us talking let alone seeing each other. Well while at the mall he's jonesing to go home to do crack, I can tell because he buys what he needs and high tails it out of there knowing after threatening him that I will be having lunch with my ex but that is the least of his concerns at the moment and it hurts!
I feel so much anger and frustration and hopelessness! I wake up in the mornings and for one minute everything is alright then it always hits me and I just hate life so much! I hate waking up. But I'm very slowly pulling myself out of it and trying to focus more on other things. It does help when you put your focus on something other than your loved one with the addiction.
I FINALLY realized also that I can't help him with his addiction, I mean I'd have better success teaching my hamster to talk!
Everytime we're together, before he goes on one of his binges I feel so sad wondering is this the last night I get to hold him, and kiss him before he overdoses and dies? I just dread it so much! It's horrible to live with this day to day!
Anyways I hope you start to feel better soon! Posting here helps, it really does!
I know how you feel to when the anger gets hold its horrible. You look and feel terrible, my friends would tell me I looked ill. When Id have an argument with my boyfriend I would flip and hit him and thorw things where I just couldnt controll it, then I would break down in tears for ages. Its like Id have a permanent tense feeling through my body and sometimes I would just sit there clenching the muscles in my body while i was sat watching tele because it was where i was so angry and had to stop it from boiling over. Id go out for walks to try and walk of my anger and that would be at 12'oClock at night or later where i was so het up that i couldnt sleep. I hate feeling like that its s***E! Reading this site helped me to let go of my anger. Dont let it eat you up try and chill.

The most stupid thing I did once was that when things were so bad and my boyfriend was lying and using I felt really s***ty and so depressed and he'd gone out I dont know where. I took one of his subutex tablets and I crushed it up and snorted it. I dont know what made me do that I guess i felt like i wanted to know what was so great about what he was doing and didnt care about myself of the consiquences. I was high and relaxed and then I was sick, couldnt stop shaking, I was still sick the next day and my eyes were like pins. I had to stay off work and I felt so relaxed and calm. I told my boyfriend later about it and he said i was stupid i could of overdosed. Ive done other drugs but dont anymore, and I would never do heroin, yet i took his tablets! Why did I do that? The whole situation of living with an addict makes you act in strange ways. But Im the happiest now since finding this site.

Kittycat

Do you have a hamster? I have one she's a little girl called "Fiona" after princess Fiona from shrek!! She loves her hamster ball!
helena, unresolved anger and resentments can really to take us to places and states of mind -- and activities -- that we never fathomed.

by the way, there are a few websites available that have useful information on anger management. just punch in "anger" on the search engine. lots of stuff there, so it's the old saying, take what you need and leave the rest."
Helena,

Yes I do have two hamsters! Fiona is such a cute name! My hamsters are Greta and Molly. My friend works at an apartment building and Molly was an escapee, roaming the hallways so since they couldn't find her owner, I took her home. Both of them love their ball too! They are cute little critters aren't they?

I read your post, I have gotten as angry as you also. I fly into a rage and hit my boyfriend, scratch him, cry uncontrollably, I've even broken my own things to throw at him. I'm trying to calm down now. Like last night, his ADHD was coming out and he was really bugging me but instead of flying off the handle, and insulting him, I just stayed calm and didn't react at all. I kinda put myself in his situation and felt like you know, he likes to get a reaction out of me, in his sick mind, it shows I care so if I don't react, that will bug him even more.

Just like you trying that drug I have done that too. I was sooooo upset with him going on another binge that I got my brothers girlfriend to bring me some Meth. I sniffed that stuff for two days in a row! I was so disappointed in myself for doing that, it kept me up and I just loved that high, the calm feeling but it just wasn't worth it. My bf gave me crap for doing it! It was dumb and i was thinking irrationally. Another night when he took off for his 5th car wash..ya right, I knew where he was really going, so I was so upset I went straight to a local pub. Where I live on this strip, theres about 20 bars, pubs and night clubs. I drank 4 triple martinis in one hour to numb the pain, I was too drunk to remember to pay my tab, couldn't remember how to get home even though I lived a few blocks away and blacked out. I could've gotten alcohol poisoning! I remember my boyfriend calling me to say he was going to come over and I freaked out and called the police. Then I went downstairs wearing lingerie, don't even know why and they were buzzing my apartment and I looked and said, hey you guys are buzzing me!! They looked at me, all drunk and in a lingerie nightie and gave me crap and told me to sleep it off. Very embarrassing. Now I have learned not to react so badly because of him!!