I Made A Year

[Hawk]

I too, like many others, started my addiction from a well meaning doctor. He didn't want to deprive me of what I needed for my pain. For some, this would be a godsend. So many doctors are unwilling to provide pain relief to those that really need it.

In my case, I was really in need. At first. My dependency to control my pain turned into addiction. When my condition no longer required meds, my body & mind did. It took me over a year to realize, I wasn't controlling the pills, they were controlling me.

I was able for many months to convince my doc that I really needed them. Looking back, I could probably still convince him but I knew the truth. The truth is I was only trying to convince myself.

When I first decided to quit, I found myself in serious withdrawals. I lost so much work and family time, I can't describe. I would relapse and withdraw, relapse and withdraw. It got to the point that my family and co-workers would say: What's wrong with you? Stomach problems or the flu was always a good answer.

During this time, I found out I was going to be a grandpa. Here I am 45 years old, an addict, and I'm going to be a grandpa. I adored my grandparents (before they passed) and I started thinking, how will my grandchildren remember me? Or would I die before they even got to know me?

On April 1st, 2005 I decided I was done. This wasn't an 'all of a sudden' decision. I'd been on this board for nearly a year trying to convince myself this was the thing to do. I just couldn't convince myself that it was that urgent. In my mind, it wasn't. I always convinced myself that I could get one more prescription and then I would quit. That went on for months.

On that day (April Fools Day, 1995) I looked into my soul. I convinced myself, my grand baby wouldn't know their grandpa as a drug addict. I went through the w/d's again and hoped while I was suffering, this would be the last time.

While I was suffering, my granddaughter was born on April 9th. I was nine days clean and then I was at the hospital holding the most precious person I would ever know. That's when I knew I was gonna be clean. For good. At least I hoped I would.

As it turned out, I've stayed clean. I now have one year and eleven days clean.

I can attribute a lot of my clean time to this board. When I've felt down, I read (and lurked). I'm posting this to try to help others. If I can help, let me know.

Thanks and take care
Hawk
hawk9577@gmail.com