A HUGE,HUGE DID I SAY HUGE? SIGH OF RELIEF THAT I MADE IT!
i thought my second year clean concerning the holidays would get a little easier, but this one was TOUGH!
so many times i felt triggered to use, the stinkin thinkin was on a rampage, i was consumed with guilt and anxiety, i pushed myself far beyond my capabilities and there were a few dark moments when i wanted to give up and just die. i know what needs to happen here concerning recovery and i just am stuck at how to apply it to me. i can spout off to everyone else what to do, but when it comes to me, i am left with this huge void.
2007 had alot of stressors with family members and estrangements from family who i had to set boundaries with.
i lost seeing my sister in may, my youngest brother at the birth of his first child in aug. my mother severed all ties from me in Nov, and just a few days ago, my oldest brother bit the dust too. things have been quiet concerning my dad, i must say. and the husbutt..... i dont know how much more i can take of this abuse. where do i even start?
i RESENT, RESENT RESENT!!! ALL OF THEM!! in doing so, it is keeping me sick. i have allowed them free rent in my head and everyday i "invite" them into my head, hurt julie, go ahead hurt her some more is my thinking,
i keep up my wonderful relationship with God, i work the steps, i go to meetings, i talk with my sponsor and i have face to face counseling with two different therapists, i come to the board for support, WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??????
I know i have made major progress, yet today i feel so empty.lost, OVERWHELMED and confused.
PLUS in addition to the emmotional distress, i was sick with a chest infection and fever, my ankles gave out on me on Christmas eve because i wasnt wearing the new orthosis because they hurt too and i hobbled and limped up to the lectern at church as i delivered my part of the Christmas story from Luke. my resistance went down and had 3 other outbreaks of infection in my body.
my blood sugars spiked and fell, as i have not been eating at all and just consuming pepsi after pepsi and smoke, smoke and smoke. real good for a diabetic, huh? after the dr listened to my lungs for the chest infection, she said she heard wheezing, possibly the start of emphysema for which my mother suffers from. she ordered chantix for me.
now its suboxone and chantix plus a whole cocktail of preventative meds and such., here i go again projecting....
Christmas eve was absolutely picture perfect at church, my oldest son led the processional carrying the cross of Jesus at the 11 pm service, my youngest son looking very handsome too as he sat in the pew watching his mom playing handbells with the handbell choir at the prelude. i was just filled with gratitude for the blessings i have in my life, i was lector, i was so proud of myself, to deliver the Christmas message to everyone listening. but that inner voice haunted me,..... how can their father be sitting in a frickin bar on Christmas eve and MISS THIS????? HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO HIS SONS???? why wouldnt he want to share with us this beautiful moment right now??? what have i done wrong??? before co dependance therapy, i would concentrate on How can i fix this or him??? i know today i CAN'T behave that way.
oh well julie, just be grateful and move on and ENJOY this special night that only comes once a year. as i am leaving the church, my cousin comes up to me and says that my estranged sister was sitting in the very last pew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i couldnt believe what i had just heard!!!!! i was like, your kidding me right? i never saw her! now i am left feeling like what do i do about keeping up that boundary with her???
my sons and i did our traditional occurence of going thru neighborhoods and enjoying the lights and peace of Christmas eve, i barely can walk into the house as my ankle is twice the size it should be and i fell into the bed around 3 am, before i went to bed, the husbutt comes home from the bar at 2:30 AM, I stay detached from him as much as i wanted to rip him a new *sshole. he wanders around drunk in the house, goes in the basement to watch some porn, gets a call on his cell phone and leaves at 3 am!!!!!!! now tell me this, where could a person possibly go at 3 am on Christmas eve?
i wake up on Christmas morning at 8 am, wake up my sons and we prepare to open our gifts, husbutt is now home in the basement again, he never went to sleep that night and i tell the boys to let their father know that we are ready to open our gifts, they both reply "i am not gonna ask him, you ask him mom" i swallow my pride and put on this fake voice and open the basement door, uh, we are ready to open gifts, he replys, ok, i will be up there in a minute, detach, julie, detach, make this Christmas morning nice for my sons.....
husbutt comes upstairs and plops himself on the couch, lays down and needs his precious beauty sleep now, he has to be awakened everytime a gift was given to him and he momentarily wakes up, opens the gift, throws the wrapping paper and bow and doesn't even say thank you. the gifts were from my oldest son, i bought him nothing. my blood is starting to BOIL!!!
now to add injury to insult he has his cell phone right next to his pillow and a text message comes thru, he covers his head with the blanket to read it, i say, just get out of here and go be with her, an argument is brewing, but the boys tell me, mom, dont start. ok, i say, but DO NOT wake him up for anymore gifts, for petes sake he doesnt want to do this with us!!!!!
i must say that i received the most wonderful gifts from my sons and they in return did too. i was so proud to say that every present under that tree for my sons I bought and paid for.
i am so exhausted once the gifts are over, had a terrible headache and by this point i am pushing myself beyond my limits to make this special day a nice rememberance. i am literally a "wet rag" from my little meltdowns and cries i would have in private. ok, pull yourself together here, what is left to do, Christmas dinner to cook and i have to make my annual appearance to be with my best friend and her entire family who wants me to be included as they adopted me into their family and held me thru the holidays before when i was so distraught over holidays past that were spent without my family because i have tried to keep up a healthy boundary for me. my sons dont what me to leave on Christmas, but i tell them that i WANT to be with them too,they have gifts for me and i have gifts for them.
so i go over there, put on my happy face and enjoy 3 1/2 hours with them, stay for dinner julie, i can't, i cannot leave my sons alone on Christmas.
i get home, put the turkey in the oven, had a beef roast in the crock pot, call danny for Christmas and i told myself that i HAVE to lay down for a nap while the turkey is cooking, husbutt is still hung over and asleep on the couch and it is now around 5:30 pm. while i was talking to danny, husbutt gets a phone call on his cell and my son is watching some tv and he told me he could hear a womans voice on his dads cell phone, and told me that he replied to the woman, i have to work tomorrow and my son heard this woman say ok, then Merry Christmas.
now comes my sweet revenge, omg! it FELT SO FRICKIN GOOD!! dinner is about to be served, there is a setting for only 3 on the Christmas table, at this time i said to myself, that my trying to turn the other cheek on Thanksgiving didnt work as i set the table for 4 and "it" ( as i refer to the husbutt for years now) "it" left for wherever 15 mins before thanksgiving dinner was ready.
he is soooooo hungry now as it has been on a drinking binge and it wants to eat now, he notices there is not a place setting for him and he is pacing back and forth in the kitchen, pours himself a big glass of milk ready to feast with us now. i call my sons to the table, say the Christmas prayer, light the advent wreath for the table centerpiece, my sons and i sit down to eat and it goes and pulls a plate out of the the cupboard all ready to fix himself a plate. forget detachment at this point, i said to him, oh no you dont! go to your w**** and eat, go to wherever you went on Thanksgiving, you NOW decide you want to spend time at the table with us??? no frickin way buddy, get out of here! he says to me as always, I BOUGHT THE FOOD,( his most favorite button push with me, as he feels i dont deserve my keep as i am self employed and dont work a 40 hour week) i am eating it! sorry buddy, I PAID FOR THE DINNER!!!! He grabs his milk and a cheese log from the fridge and goes in the basement, hah! I LOVED IT!!! it felt so frickin good!!!! now have your lovely Christmas dinner *ss hole! is what i was thinking, but one thing did result from this that i feel awful about, the looks on my sons faces and their silence as we ate, killed me!
my oldest son had laryngitis and wasnt feeling good and he made a comment that hurt my feelings, he is a picky eater and wasnt eating much and i was like, i made this dinner for you blah, blah, blah i am sick and exhausted yet i cooked this for you, he snaps back that its about time you cooked something, i started crying got up to leave the table and changed my mind and said, i will stay for you, meaning my youngest son, total silence, i wanted to just go crawl in a hole and die, i know my sons are affected by all of my issues concerning my recovery, our family estrangements and such, their alcoholic/porn addicted dad and i feel so bad as a parent to have put them thru all of this, yet on the other hand i have given them a wonderful childhood filled with everything i never had emmotionally
cont'd on next post
.
here is a new revelation that has occurred, i am now ready to give up my home and all the comforts i have to live safely and comfortable, it used to be the excuse that i cant leave my custom made beauty shop, my garden of 15 years, the love and serenity that i put into and received from ,my beautiful garden, i still need a place tht will accept my animals and accomodate them, for i WILL NOT give up my animals. they are my children too. if it means living in poverty to not have to live in this abuse, i am ready to accept that, whats left is how? how can i afford to do this? hopefully the answer is coming, i CANT do this anymore, i am totally emmotionally bankrupt.
thanks for letting me share love jewels
here is a new revelation that has occurred, i am now ready to give up my home and all the comforts i have to live safely and comfortable, it used to be the excuse that i cant leave my custom made beauty shop, my garden of 15 years, the love and serenity that i put into and received from ,my beautiful garden, i still need a place tht will accept my animals and accomodate them, for i WILL NOT give up my animals. they are my children too. if it means living in poverty to not have to live in this abuse, i am ready to accept that, whats left is how? how can i afford to do this? hopefully the answer is coming, i CANT do this anymore, i am totally emmotionally bankrupt.
thanks for letting me share love jewels
Jewels, WOW
What a post. Even though I am long winded in my writing, when i see something as long as yours i skim through most of it. In this case I read every word.
Why- well you are in so much turmoil and your writing style was captivating. I know thats not in any way your point, but I do think you have a definite talent. (I know a little bit what im talking about--I used to tutor college students and others in writing, etc, etc.
Anyway , to your post. I am taking what you say at face value and believing you as I have no reason not to. (the only reason I say that is sometimes as recovering addicts we play our audience without even realizing it) But you strike me as someone who is definitely on the path to honesty & healing.
Aside from the tremendous emotional stress you are under, you indicate you also have to move. How come. Now is not the time to be a hero or marter. Does it have something to do with divorce? If so, why would you move now.
Again , im not sure what that is about.
I do understand the problems with family. It can be unbelievable. My wife and I will be moving just to get away from her family. In our case , thank God that I m there to protect her from her mostly maniulative family. It is amazing the stuff that she gets blamed for. If i wasnt hear, she would seriously doubt her point of view. But I know & I know & I KNOW.
tHEY ALSO KNOW I WILL not allow them to abuse my wife in any way. But we really do have to go away for it is non ending blame
Not to try to intrude in ur thinking, but u are seeing a therapist ,right. Not that u r nuts or any of that but you need help organizing & controlling your life situation. On one hand things ound terrible but on the other i know it will work out as ur strength shows thru. You will control the situation & prevail.
There is something small i need to say and I ask you to please not take offense at it. I am only saying it , becuse, well, it is beneath your character & it takes away from you.
Again, it is a small, stupid thing, so please dont take offfense. I guess i could be wrong, but i dont think so.
Please find other waysto describe your husband other then degrading names for him. Sure he is a jerk , etc, etc--that is already known, but something about the joking like namees u use to put him down, i dont know, it kinda ruins the flow & perhaps the level of ur letter.
again, its only me saying it & i apologize in advaance
i wish u the best
What a post. Even though I am long winded in my writing, when i see something as long as yours i skim through most of it. In this case I read every word.
Why- well you are in so much turmoil and your writing style was captivating. I know thats not in any way your point, but I do think you have a definite talent. (I know a little bit what im talking about--I used to tutor college students and others in writing, etc, etc.
Anyway , to your post. I am taking what you say at face value and believing you as I have no reason not to. (the only reason I say that is sometimes as recovering addicts we play our audience without even realizing it) But you strike me as someone who is definitely on the path to honesty & healing.
Aside from the tremendous emotional stress you are under, you indicate you also have to move. How come. Now is not the time to be a hero or marter. Does it have something to do with divorce? If so, why would you move now.
Again , im not sure what that is about.
I do understand the problems with family. It can be unbelievable. My wife and I will be moving just to get away from her family. In our case , thank God that I m there to protect her from her mostly maniulative family. It is amazing the stuff that she gets blamed for. If i wasnt hear, she would seriously doubt her point of view. But I know & I know & I KNOW.
tHEY ALSO KNOW I WILL not allow them to abuse my wife in any way. But we really do have to go away for it is non ending blame
Not to try to intrude in ur thinking, but u are seeing a therapist ,right. Not that u r nuts or any of that but you need help organizing & controlling your life situation. On one hand things ound terrible but on the other i know it will work out as ur strength shows thru. You will control the situation & prevail.
There is something small i need to say and I ask you to please not take offense at it. I am only saying it , becuse, well, it is beneath your character & it takes away from you.
Again, it is a small, stupid thing, so please dont take offfense. I guess i could be wrong, but i dont think so.
Please find other waysto describe your husband other then degrading names for him. Sure he is a jerk , etc, etc--that is already known, but something about the joking like namees u use to put him down, i dont know, it kinda ruins the flow & perhaps the level of ur letter.
again, its only me saying it & i apologize in advaance
i wish u the best
Why are you staying with someone that you spew such venom for?
Why do you have to come out of the woodwork to stir crap up Numbercruncher?
48 whole posts and you decide to start some stuff with a woman who is obviously having some emotional pain.
What a bleak and miserable life you must have.
48 whole posts and you decide to start some stuff with a woman who is obviously having some emotional pain.
What a bleak and miserable life you must have.
wow jewls, I read that whole post, man, your husbutt sounds like a butthead that's for sure.... why not separate? You don't sound happy, he is having an affair, and your kids cannot possibly be happy in this situation, sucks growing up around hostility like that, can do a lot of harm to your kids as far as emotional development goes. (Not that I'm trying to tell you how to parent, just relaying some personal exp.) Most of all and above all you need to be happy and that will make your kids happy. You said something that really struck a chord with me.before co dependance therapy, i would concentrate on How can i fix this or him??? i know today i CAN'T behave that way. Good for you, that is some awesome wisdom! I am always trying to fix everyone, make everyone happy, now you just have to let go of trying to make other people happy and try worrying about yourself. your young ones will smile if they see mom smile instead of stressed out
Hey Bumps, did u get that name cause u used to bump all the time & now u dont. LOL.
tO THE OTHER POSTER, FOR GOT UR NAME, SORRY, sometimes people are in situations they didnt expect & a lot of things are going on sometimes keeping them trapped.
Now if u r a single guy, with only urself, & you find urself in a bad relationship- it can be fairly easy to get out of, especially if u still have ur own place.
Im pointing out what may seem obvious only because it ansswers the question you asked. ( I do gotta say though, ur question did not really seem designed to help, more to criticize or judge.
BUt again giving you the benefit of the doubt--maybe u are young & have no understanding of the compliccations of relationships.
I mean, talkin the way you do, i have to guess you are a young man who has maybe had his more mature boyfriends or girlfriends take care of fhim. Sometimes young men such as yourself never get a chance to understand heterosexual relationships
tO THE OTHER POSTER, FOR GOT UR NAME, SORRY, sometimes people are in situations they didnt expect & a lot of things are going on sometimes keeping them trapped.
Now if u r a single guy, with only urself, & you find urself in a bad relationship- it can be fairly easy to get out of, especially if u still have ur own place.
Im pointing out what may seem obvious only because it ansswers the question you asked. ( I do gotta say though, ur question did not really seem designed to help, more to criticize or judge.
BUt again giving you the benefit of the doubt--maybe u are young & have no understanding of the compliccations of relationships.
I mean, talkin the way you do, i have to guess you are a young man who has maybe had his more mature boyfriends or girlfriends take care of fhim. Sometimes young men such as yourself never get a chance to understand heterosexual relationships
Well Browndog, we always used to call shooting up "bumping", so yes, that's how I got the name. When I first joined my name was Bumpnbad. Once I got clean I wanted to change my name to reflect the fact that I was doing alot better.
I am an IV cocaine addict. Clean for 29 months now. So glad that I'm not out running the roads after my DOC
I am an IV cocaine addict. Clean for 29 months now. So glad that I'm not out running the roads after my DOC
Yeah, Jewels why do you stay with someone you spout venom on.......WTH.....Brown Dog put it straight..............Jewels is asking for some help here and she's writing..........writing cause perhaps it helps her and she'll come back to read what she wrote over and maybe learn from it.
That Bumps though, man I need to meet her in the super market by the mar-ja-reen tubs..............somebody gonna get a bump and it wouldn't be Jewels right, Janet? That's my girl alright..........and Trooper has been so kind and giving excellent advice, Jewels.........she been through it ya know?
Jewels I don't even know what to say except.......I CARE........and you are working so hard on you...........a person can only take so much........I am so very sorry for your pain and getting to that place where you're at.........hurts so bad........I'm so very sorry for you.
Jewels I ain't prying, but if your husband is chatting with another woman......it's not about you.................it's about HIM..........no doubt it feels like rejection and all, but hey who knows what's up in his head.........can't be good if he gotta be drunk to chat to the lady..............and she can't be too good if she is phoning a man on Christmas.............who is married with a family.
Easy for me to say cause I ain't married anymore, but Jewels you gotta worry about Jewels and not him............I wish I could harbor ya and put your garden someplace else and your shop.............POOF........alas life ain't like that and it carries on and on...........but you're trying to get a plan.
Brown Dog is right though about the names.............my mom never called my biological father any bad names short of drunk, shanty, mick..........LOL.....and it ain't funny, but honestly she told me he was a good man if he didn't drink.......and I never felt bad like I'm like him........I tried extremely hard to do that with my ex husband as well.............cause I didn't want my daughter thinking "Well, heck I got them genetics".............I so know ya wanna just give him them ZINGERS...............makes ya feel better...........like ya won a battle, but the war keeps going on................despise him all ya want, BUT maybe ya can insert a different name..........maybe in a different tone.............or just plain smack him in the head with a frying pan..............I am seriously not meaning that...........only other thing before ya can get your plan into action is just with all your might IGNORE him.............Thanksgiving is over.............he ain't worried about how he wasn't home...............so the boys know it already.
Maybe ya can act totally bizzerker and do a chicken kind of dance everytime ya wanna scream at him............ya porn sucker drunken creep face.........do like a Beyonce dance..........he'll be very, very afraid of ya after that.
Jewels I am so sorry...........you're a kind, sweet, interesting and thoughtful woman...........I am just sorry you hurt so, but ya got two of the worlds kindest people came here to help ya from Trooper and our dear Janet.........and Brown Dog gave ya some good advice................if all else fails then give him a hot foot..........for real...........I care Jewels........something gotta come out of this good...............and your boys are wonderful...........they ain't needing that......be the bigger person and then down the road........who knows........another hot foot.
If he leaves it's desertion I think and vice versa...............if I remember correctly.
So nobody budges.........I left.........BUT I had a family two blocks away who helped me and more all over the place who would help me with a baby too.....so sure I could just up and say "Laddle, creepo".......but you are in such a difficult situation..........I'm sorry........please let us know you are O.K., K?
That Bumps though, man I need to meet her in the super market by the mar-ja-reen tubs..............somebody gonna get a bump and it wouldn't be Jewels right, Janet? That's my girl alright..........and Trooper has been so kind and giving excellent advice, Jewels.........she been through it ya know?
Jewels I don't even know what to say except.......I CARE........and you are working so hard on you...........a person can only take so much........I am so very sorry for your pain and getting to that place where you're at.........hurts so bad........I'm so very sorry for you.
Jewels I ain't prying, but if your husband is chatting with another woman......it's not about you.................it's about HIM..........no doubt it feels like rejection and all, but hey who knows what's up in his head.........can't be good if he gotta be drunk to chat to the lady..............and she can't be too good if she is phoning a man on Christmas.............who is married with a family.
Easy for me to say cause I ain't married anymore, but Jewels you gotta worry about Jewels and not him............I wish I could harbor ya and put your garden someplace else and your shop.............POOF........alas life ain't like that and it carries on and on...........but you're trying to get a plan.
Brown Dog is right though about the names.............my mom never called my biological father any bad names short of drunk, shanty, mick..........LOL.....and it ain't funny, but honestly she told me he was a good man if he didn't drink.......and I never felt bad like I'm like him........I tried extremely hard to do that with my ex husband as well.............cause I didn't want my daughter thinking "Well, heck I got them genetics".............I so know ya wanna just give him them ZINGERS...............makes ya feel better...........like ya won a battle, but the war keeps going on................despise him all ya want, BUT maybe ya can insert a different name..........maybe in a different tone.............or just plain smack him in the head with a frying pan..............I am seriously not meaning that...........only other thing before ya can get your plan into action is just with all your might IGNORE him.............Thanksgiving is over.............he ain't worried about how he wasn't home...............so the boys know it already.
Maybe ya can act totally bizzerker and do a chicken kind of dance everytime ya wanna scream at him............ya porn sucker drunken creep face.........do like a Beyonce dance..........he'll be very, very afraid of ya after that.
Jewels I am so sorry...........you're a kind, sweet, interesting and thoughtful woman...........I am just sorry you hurt so, but ya got two of the worlds kindest people came here to help ya from Trooper and our dear Janet.........and Brown Dog gave ya some good advice................if all else fails then give him a hot foot..........for real...........I care Jewels........something gotta come out of this good...............and your boys are wonderful...........they ain't needing that......be the bigger person and then down the road........who knows........another hot foot.
If he leaves it's desertion I think and vice versa...............if I remember correctly.
So nobody budges.........I left.........BUT I had a family two blocks away who helped me and more all over the place who would help me with a baby too.....so sure I could just up and say "Laddle, creepo".......but you are in such a difficult situation..........I'm sorry........please let us know you are O.K., K?
| QUOTE |
| Please find other waysto describe your husband other then degrading names for him. Sure he is a jerk , etc, etc--that is already known, but something about the joking like namees u use to put him down, i dont know, it kinda ruins the flow & perhaps the level of ur letter |
| QUOTE |
| Why are you staying with someone that you spew such venom for? |
in reference to the above posts,(thnk you for all who came to my defense)
you are absolutely correct!
spewing venomous words about another child of God is wrong! i know that and when i was posting yesterday these venomous words, i knew in my heart it was wrong, i knew i was not following Christ at that moment, i allowed satan to control my words and i want to say to God and to all of you, forgive me, browndog, you are correct, it did take away from the purpose of my posting, i see that now that i have cooled off and have had some time now to finally rest. i had reached the end of my rope and it gave me a sense of relief to speak harshly about him.
i have tried every tactic concerning my husband, before recovery i acted co-dependantly and tried to fix the situation, i knew from the moment i said 'I do" at our wedding and as i walked down the aisle atmy wedding that something didnt feel right, i denied those feelings i felt because i wanted what i thought i was gonna get so bad.
i denied the fact that i was marrying a man that was still distraught over his first failed marriage ( for the same reasons) and that i could fix him and we would live happily ever after.
i became angry, hurt, resentful, overwhelmed and thought that would fix the situation, then i tried ignoring him and did the silent treatment to no avail, then i did the opposite, gritted my teeth and spoke to him only when spoken to and tried with all my might to have some positivity in my voice, i have tried detachment, i have tried everything and in being so overwhelmed i resorted back to anger and hurt, hence the venomous words
'husbutt' is a word we use on the forum alot, when it hurts to say the word husband, the other word "it" is my pain talking.
i know that my husband is a very sick person, an addict like me, and believe me i have given his spirit to God thru much prayer and i was getting frustrated and fell short of God's graces because i become weak of the flesh and think God has not heard me, but guess what? i know God has heard me and its not up to me to decide that i want it and i want it now, i know that the answer is coming and i have had to endure this pain to learn a lesson here.
in response to the question, why do i stay? because i have ignored my emmotional sense and have just decided to deal with it, take the pain becuase you are living very comfortably in the sense of having a roof over my head, insurance benefits, pension, social security and such.
ok. todays another day, i have got to learn healthy stradegy's to avoid "holiday" stressors. thanks for listening. jewels
jewls, man I respect you for putting up with this s*** in the name of security, and having such a big heart that you can rationalize and understand your husbands infidelity and neglect of your feelings, but IMO it's time for you to go out and do something nice for yourself. Something selfish, but productive, and just for you. Maybe try making steps, just little ones, where you only have to rely on yourself if s*** hits the fan, maybe you'll feel better. I'm kinda just spouting ideas right now, but I'd like to see you happy. Good luck today, and we'll talk later I hope. :D
trooper
trooper
He may be a child of God but the man is still an a******.
It's easy as a stranger to point out the obvious without knowing a full history.Julie's been coming here for over a year and sharing her story.It's her way of getting some peace until she can make the changes she needs to.
Financial circumstances,children and other issues can have a strong impact on how fast we can do anything.
Please don't tell her what words she can use or how she needs to process.
Maybe writing things down helps her reach the goal that much faster.
She's long winded.That's no mystery.If you find her writing style cumbersome............Don't read it.
Anybody can process what they need to here as long as they aren't attacking other people.I don't care how much space they take up or what words they need to use.
It's easy as a stranger to point out the obvious without knowing a full history.Julie's been coming here for over a year and sharing her story.It's her way of getting some peace until she can make the changes she needs to.
Financial circumstances,children and other issues can have a strong impact on how fast we can do anything.
Please don't tell her what words she can use or how she needs to process.
Maybe writing things down helps her reach the goal that much faster.
She's long winded.That's no mystery.If you find her writing style cumbersome............Don't read it.
Anybody can process what they need to here as long as they aren't attacking other people.I don't care how much space they take up or what words they need to use.
Sweet Julie ~
While reading over your original message last night, a few thoughts came to mind. One was that acronym we hear around the rooms H.A.L.T. (We don't want to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired).
You reminded me so much of me when you wrote about all you had done in preparation for Christmas. I would run myself beyond the point of exhuastion, in order to make the day special for those I love. Yet how special is it, if I'm too tired to participate - or cop a resentment because I'm in the kitchen slaving alone for hours on end for a meal that takes people what? 20 minutes to eat? And as they finish their Christmas meal, they are out the door to visit their friends, leaving me with the aftermath to clean. Un-uh - didn't do that this year. As a matter of fact, I didn't even put up a Christmas tree - just threw a few decorations around the house, but that was the extent of it.
I did cook a nice meal, which was relatively easy to fix, two nights before Christmas when my daughter/son in law/grandson arrived and an omelet brunch on Christmas day, but that was the extent of my laboring this season, with exception of wrapping a gift for my grandson - the rest got gift cards! :) And you know what, Julie - Christmas went off great and I was able to partake in some great connections - conversations with my loved ones that in the past couldn't do, because of my eagerness to please overshadowed that one on one contact and left me too tired to do so.
Secondly, this thing about resentments - as you well know, resentments are our number one offender. A very wise woman once said to me when I was acting out in anger about the resentment I had in my heart to a person (and boy was I angry - slamming chairs - shrilling/screaming curse words - you get the picture) "Sammy, the best way to avenge your resentment is to stay in the light of recovery." Her statement stopped me cold in my tyrannical tracks and brought me back to a place of quietness. Pretty simple - eh? They say this is a simple program of recovery for complicated people and boy did I thrive on complicating "things."
It's good to read your message this morning that you got some rest. To do all you did and to be physically sick on top this, I prayed you would wake this morning feeling somewhat better. Not to minimize your situation, yet it has been my experience that when I'm physically not well, these are the times when I have a tendency to put my perceived problems under a magnifying glass. It is my wish that you get as much as rest as you need in order to heal from that physical ailment you described.
Thirdly, I would like to add that there is an organization called Al-anon, which you might want to consider. Al-anon (an offshoot of AA) teaches recovery of the spirit for people who desire it that live or life is affected by/with an alcoholic. Narcotics Anonymous has the same only it goes under the name Nar-anon. This may be a wonderful opportunity for you to empower your spirit further when dealing with your family member's issues you have painfully described. Many of us who enter recovery via AA, NA, or PA find ourselves at some point in the rooms of Al-anon or Nar-anon and know this is ok.
And lastly, I will leave you with this, dear one. By having a reverence for life, we enter into a spiritual relation with the world. By practicing reverence for life we become good, deep, and alive. I know that challenges are simply opportunities to be all I can be and it appears that you are realizing this too.
Dear God,
Thank You for situations and circumstances that challenge and stretch us. We see these as opportunities to discover what we are made of, to test how far we can grow.
When we have an obstacle on our path, we turn to You for guidance. We place our trust in Your infinite power and limitless resources. Standing in truth and trusting that Your plan is perfect, we move forward to manifest our good.
Amen
You are loved and your are love, Julie. Don't you ever forget this!
xoxoxoxo
Sammy
While reading over your original message last night, a few thoughts came to mind. One was that acronym we hear around the rooms H.A.L.T. (We don't want to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired).
You reminded me so much of me when you wrote about all you had done in preparation for Christmas. I would run myself beyond the point of exhuastion, in order to make the day special for those I love. Yet how special is it, if I'm too tired to participate - or cop a resentment because I'm in the kitchen slaving alone for hours on end for a meal that takes people what? 20 minutes to eat? And as they finish their Christmas meal, they are out the door to visit their friends, leaving me with the aftermath to clean. Un-uh - didn't do that this year. As a matter of fact, I didn't even put up a Christmas tree - just threw a few decorations around the house, but that was the extent of it.
I did cook a nice meal, which was relatively easy to fix, two nights before Christmas when my daughter/son in law/grandson arrived and an omelet brunch on Christmas day, but that was the extent of my laboring this season, with exception of wrapping a gift for my grandson - the rest got gift cards! :) And you know what, Julie - Christmas went off great and I was able to partake in some great connections - conversations with my loved ones that in the past couldn't do, because of my eagerness to please overshadowed that one on one contact and left me too tired to do so.
Secondly, this thing about resentments - as you well know, resentments are our number one offender. A very wise woman once said to me when I was acting out in anger about the resentment I had in my heart to a person (and boy was I angry - slamming chairs - shrilling/screaming curse words - you get the picture) "Sammy, the best way to avenge your resentment is to stay in the light of recovery." Her statement stopped me cold in my tyrannical tracks and brought me back to a place of quietness. Pretty simple - eh? They say this is a simple program of recovery for complicated people and boy did I thrive on complicating "things."
It's good to read your message this morning that you got some rest. To do all you did and to be physically sick on top this, I prayed you would wake this morning feeling somewhat better. Not to minimize your situation, yet it has been my experience that when I'm physically not well, these are the times when I have a tendency to put my perceived problems under a magnifying glass. It is my wish that you get as much as rest as you need in order to heal from that physical ailment you described.
Thirdly, I would like to add that there is an organization called Al-anon, which you might want to consider. Al-anon (an offshoot of AA) teaches recovery of the spirit for people who desire it that live or life is affected by/with an alcoholic. Narcotics Anonymous has the same only it goes under the name Nar-anon. This may be a wonderful opportunity for you to empower your spirit further when dealing with your family member's issues you have painfully described. Many of us who enter recovery via AA, NA, or PA find ourselves at some point in the rooms of Al-anon or Nar-anon and know this is ok.
And lastly, I will leave you with this, dear one. By having a reverence for life, we enter into a spiritual relation with the world. By practicing reverence for life we become good, deep, and alive. I know that challenges are simply opportunities to be all I can be and it appears that you are realizing this too.
Dear God,
Thank You for situations and circumstances that challenge and stretch us. We see these as opportunities to discover what we are made of, to test how far we can grow.
When we have an obstacle on our path, we turn to You for guidance. We place our trust in Your infinite power and limitless resources. Standing in truth and trusting that Your plan is perfect, we move forward to manifest our good.
Amen
You are loved and your are love, Julie. Don't you ever forget this!
xoxoxoxo
Sammy
Jewls, I had a calm Christmas and still there was much stress associated it with it. I should have recognized that it your words.
Now that Christmas is over, I feel a let down, too.
When it gets too much, I turn everything over to God. I say "I can't carry this problem any longer, but I know that you can. Here it is."
Take care of your health. I feel that you are in a situation that is poisoning you. Also, I wonder if you are in physical danger.
And this is NOMB - but I hope you aren't sleeping with him. He doesn't sound to responsible.
As always, MOO. Make 2008 a good year for you.
Now that Christmas is over, I feel a let down, too.
When it gets too much, I turn everything over to God. I say "I can't carry this problem any longer, but I know that you can. Here it is."
Take care of your health. I feel that you are in a situation that is poisoning you. Also, I wonder if you are in physical danger.
And this is NOMB - but I hope you aren't sleeping with him. He doesn't sound to responsible.
As always, MOO. Make 2008 a good year for you.
Well Said Tim! I agree 100%............
Julie..............you know what? It is right to spout venemous words bout your loving husband? NO........ So What!! There is only one person who has ever been perfect & who will ever be perfect! You and I are in similiar situations & I fully understand your need to come here and share your feelings, emotions, & struggles. Your fears, doubts, & insecurtites. We are a family here & if you can't be honest with your family without being told HOW to do it then who the hell can you be honest with. The one thing that can't be wrong is how we feel....and if you don't feel very sugary (how else would somebody feel in that situation) then you shouldn't be expected to tell the story that way.....
Venting is good. I don't think Julie was looking for solutions....she was getting something out that she just couldn't keep inside! That's good! Keeping that mess inside is toxic to us addicts. I know why you havent left w/o having to ask & I understand!
I love ya Jules! Keep posting about this stuff & exactly how you feel. It's good for you & you will feel much better! xoxo
Julie..............you know what? It is right to spout venemous words bout your loving husband? NO........ So What!! There is only one person who has ever been perfect & who will ever be perfect! You and I are in similiar situations & I fully understand your need to come here and share your feelings, emotions, & struggles. Your fears, doubts, & insecurtites. We are a family here & if you can't be honest with your family without being told HOW to do it then who the hell can you be honest with. The one thing that can't be wrong is how we feel....and if you don't feel very sugary (how else would somebody feel in that situation) then you shouldn't be expected to tell the story that way.....
Venting is good. I don't think Julie was looking for solutions....she was getting something out that she just couldn't keep inside! That's good! Keeping that mess inside is toxic to us addicts. I know why you havent left w/o having to ask & I understand!
I love ya Jules! Keep posting about this stuff & exactly how you feel. It's good for you & you will feel much better! xoxo
Dear Julie:
I went to sleep last night with you on my mind. I was thinking about what happens (internally) when you decide to "let go" of what we feel is our security. For you, you explained it was your shop within your home, your garden, and health benefits.
I understand all these things very well. In what I refer to as "my other life", I had a beautiful home. I had renovated it myself (with help of some specialists, like plumber and electricians, etc.), but by and large I did it myself. Painting, wallpaper, brick floors, etc...I learned to do all that to make this home. My yard was so incredible Julie. It was an old home, and had very old trees, 30 camelia's, bulbs, etc....I added to that beautiful old heirloom base and it was stellar. At Easter, people brought their children to have their photographs taken in my yard. So, leaving all that was so difficult. Really, I mourned the yard as much as the marriage...so I totally understand.
What I learned when I arrived at my "new" life. I moved into a rent house in a good area...but get this...my sister/husband and another couple owned this rent house and they used it as storage for other rent houses. (stoves, hot water heaters, supplies, etc.). I was going to store my things in that house til I could find a place I could afford. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I had 137.00 to my name. When I walked in that little house, I thought...why can't I live here? I bet I could afford this!
Everyone objected! hahahaha....you can't live there...it is in too bad of shape, etc. Well, I convinced them. There was a store room in the back of the house, and I fixed and cleaned it first, moved all the supplies they needed into that space and got to work on the rest. Julie, I ended up having a beautiful yard there, I brought life to a house that was so sad! It was pitiful in its own way alright, but...it was MY pitiful! And in hindsight, it was no less pitiful than living with an abuser, allowing my spirit to be injured day in and day out. I grew up so much through that experience, and I walked into the unknown and learned to trust God. I just trusted everything would be okay, and you know what....it was!
The people that were sent to me in those days, sent by God into my life, were tremendous. Listeners, artists, poets, athletes, a native American Medicine Man (literally)!, an incredible boss...it was unbelievable! When we begin to step into faith and float in the mystery...what unfolds in so powerful.
I guess my point is...I was thinking about your garden. I understand gardening. In my life, because I have never been able to carry a baby to term...the earth was a place to put my pain, the work of it was good for my mind and body and it yielded something beautiful and sometimes it yielded food. At least, that is what gardening was for me. So, in that way, it is a very sacred act. But Jules...ultimately it is a patch of dirt. YOU ARE THE GARDEN. What I felt last night and still feel today, is how grateful I am that I have ever had a patch of dirt available to me. I thought of the people of 3rd World countries and how a patch of dirt could change their lives, significantly. How blessed I am that I have ever had not one, but two, and now three, that I can call my own. Julie...there will be other gardens, they will be better gardens, Trust that!
Also, this may sound crazy, but...I remember feeling the way you did, that at least I had "security". Honestly Jules, in hindsight...even when I had nothing...and I mean nothing!, I was more secure outside that marriage than I ever was in it. Security is a strange word. Their are images attached to it, like a retirement account, or a roof, or a plate, or a cup, etc...but security is really an internal feeling about oneself. Plates, retirement accounts, cups, are things and ultimately things fail us. Pray for insight on security. It will come.
Have peace this week.
Sarah
I went to sleep last night with you on my mind. I was thinking about what happens (internally) when you decide to "let go" of what we feel is our security. For you, you explained it was your shop within your home, your garden, and health benefits.
I understand all these things very well. In what I refer to as "my other life", I had a beautiful home. I had renovated it myself (with help of some specialists, like plumber and electricians, etc.), but by and large I did it myself. Painting, wallpaper, brick floors, etc...I learned to do all that to make this home. My yard was so incredible Julie. It was an old home, and had very old trees, 30 camelia's, bulbs, etc....I added to that beautiful old heirloom base and it was stellar. At Easter, people brought their children to have their photographs taken in my yard. So, leaving all that was so difficult. Really, I mourned the yard as much as the marriage...so I totally understand.
What I learned when I arrived at my "new" life. I moved into a rent house in a good area...but get this...my sister/husband and another couple owned this rent house and they used it as storage for other rent houses. (stoves, hot water heaters, supplies, etc.). I was going to store my things in that house til I could find a place I could afford. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I had 137.00 to my name. When I walked in that little house, I thought...why can't I live here? I bet I could afford this!
Everyone objected! hahahaha....you can't live there...it is in too bad of shape, etc. Well, I convinced them. There was a store room in the back of the house, and I fixed and cleaned it first, moved all the supplies they needed into that space and got to work on the rest. Julie, I ended up having a beautiful yard there, I brought life to a house that was so sad! It was pitiful in its own way alright, but...it was MY pitiful! And in hindsight, it was no less pitiful than living with an abuser, allowing my spirit to be injured day in and day out. I grew up so much through that experience, and I walked into the unknown and learned to trust God. I just trusted everything would be okay, and you know what....it was!
The people that were sent to me in those days, sent by God into my life, were tremendous. Listeners, artists, poets, athletes, a native American Medicine Man (literally)!, an incredible boss...it was unbelievable! When we begin to step into faith and float in the mystery...what unfolds in so powerful.
I guess my point is...I was thinking about your garden. I understand gardening. In my life, because I have never been able to carry a baby to term...the earth was a place to put my pain, the work of it was good for my mind and body and it yielded something beautiful and sometimes it yielded food. At least, that is what gardening was for me. So, in that way, it is a very sacred act. But Jules...ultimately it is a patch of dirt. YOU ARE THE GARDEN. What I felt last night and still feel today, is how grateful I am that I have ever had a patch of dirt available to me. I thought of the people of 3rd World countries and how a patch of dirt could change their lives, significantly. How blessed I am that I have ever had not one, but two, and now three, that I can call my own. Julie...there will be other gardens, they will be better gardens, Trust that!
Also, this may sound crazy, but...I remember feeling the way you did, that at least I had "security". Honestly Jules, in hindsight...even when I had nothing...and I mean nothing!, I was more secure outside that marriage than I ever was in it. Security is a strange word. Their are images attached to it, like a retirement account, or a roof, or a plate, or a cup, etc...but security is really an internal feeling about oneself. Plates, retirement accounts, cups, are things and ultimately things fail us. Pray for insight on security. It will come.
Have peace this week.
Sarah
Sarah..........That was so beautiful & sweet. I know it was to Julie, but it hit home with me as well. I'm starting to see the light. I am trying to put things in place so I can start a new life. right now, I literally do not have anywhere to go...no family cept my dad, but that is not a possibility. It is also a bit harder with children b/c leaving them with him even for a short period of time is NOT an option!! I do hear what you are saying & I am going to find a way..........
Thank you for your wonderful words & caring spirit!
Sorry to hijack a lil part of your thread Julie.......I'm turning it back over to you now....lol
Thank you for your wonderful words & caring spirit!
Sorry to hijack a lil part of your thread Julie.......I'm turning it back over to you now....lol
LOL...Rhonda...thanks, I just wrote a thread to you!
Hugs.
Hugs.
i have been so blessed with wonderful friends on this forum. thank you so much for coming to my defense, the prayer, the wisdom and advice from all of you.
yes sammy, it looks as if al anon is something i need to get back into, al-anon was my first support group i ever attended, the boys were so small that i used the daycare that these meetings provided, they are now 20 and 23. there are so many things to work right now, a previous counselor once told me i needed an anxiety workshop, i agree! there is no way that i have this anxiety under control, i had to resort to some anti anxiety medication 2 weeks ago and it was very short term as i had requested, 15 pills. benzos are not a good thing for me for too long, they relax me but sedate me too much with being on sub and happiness is not found in a pill bottle as ones signature line describes here on the forum, it has to be found within me.
next i have to work on the panic/anxiety disorder.
for now i have put all my energy into recovery from my vicodin/surgery addiction.
BUT i have learned something new this year as i endured my second holiday in recovery, i HAVE GOT TO STOP THESE HOLIDAY STRESSORS!!!!
i never realized how dangerous i have allowed this time of year to be for me.
here is where i am stuck, i have stopped co-dependant behavior dead in its tracks except concerning 2 people, my sons!
that sure was co- dependant behavior to act the way i did, pushing myself so hard to make their holiday nice, i did that for years for my family as sammy described the way she would be left feeliing not appreciated after everyone left.
me to a tee! dear sammy, i literally would roll out the red carpet for my family and felt so superior that everyone was coming to MY HOUSE for the holidays,
i would spend days planning the menu and decorations, cleaning the house etc and i would only be insulted, criticized, and sometimes my dad would try and get in some inappropriate feels as i am a survivor of sexual molestation by my dad with the last occurance of this abuse happening in public at a doctors office!!!!! but i now have my protective barriors in place. so growth there.
i want my sons who tell me every year how much they love what i have done for them in Christmases past to continue, but realize as i am getting older i just cannot act that way anymore. i LOVE that my traditions are being shown in them as my one son does what i cannot anymore and then he becomes resentful to me as it bothers him that i cannot do the physical work anymore, my home is so beautiful at Christmas and i have acquired throughout the years BEAUTIFUL decorations
that i just treasure for which my husband tells me to throw in a dumpster! its funny that i can look back and realize how much my husband loved those decorations when he and i were using together. when i stopped using is when he started to hate me and my decorations.
my son turns the front yard and the inside of the house into a winter wonderland.
Christmas music plays 24/7 during dec too.
we love it!
i am hanging on with all my might what is left to enjoy while my sons still live here as the empty nester scenario is not too far away. i dont even want to project that awful day when they leave and my animals pass away.
so i still am acting co-dependantly for those reasons and i know its hindering me.
but thank you tim for coming to my defense in my long posts as they do help me, when i type these things that bother me, i feel the stress lifting and the helpful responses i get i save and try to go back to when i feel so low.
it has been nice talking with danny as it is neat to be able to share with someone who understands me.
tim, you sound like the PERFECT man to me, i am probably old enough to be your mom, but what you post describes everything i have ever wanted to share with a man.
i have always wanted a man who would share his love of dogs with me, your cute invitation inviting someone on this board to come enjoy movies, junk food and the dogs around you just melted my heart!
your knowledge of flowers and gardening,.... do you have a clone? j/k.
i want to be loved sooooo bad.
ok, enough for now, need to start a new day, got a nail appt at 1:00 yeah! julie time! then tomorrow a full day at the nursing home loving my seniors and doing their hair.
yes sammy, it looks as if al anon is something i need to get back into, al-anon was my first support group i ever attended, the boys were so small that i used the daycare that these meetings provided, they are now 20 and 23. there are so many things to work right now, a previous counselor once told me i needed an anxiety workshop, i agree! there is no way that i have this anxiety under control, i had to resort to some anti anxiety medication 2 weeks ago and it was very short term as i had requested, 15 pills. benzos are not a good thing for me for too long, they relax me but sedate me too much with being on sub and happiness is not found in a pill bottle as ones signature line describes here on the forum, it has to be found within me.
next i have to work on the panic/anxiety disorder.
for now i have put all my energy into recovery from my vicodin/surgery addiction.
BUT i have learned something new this year as i endured my second holiday in recovery, i HAVE GOT TO STOP THESE HOLIDAY STRESSORS!!!!
i never realized how dangerous i have allowed this time of year to be for me.
here is where i am stuck, i have stopped co-dependant behavior dead in its tracks except concerning 2 people, my sons!
that sure was co- dependant behavior to act the way i did, pushing myself so hard to make their holiday nice, i did that for years for my family as sammy described the way she would be left feeliing not appreciated after everyone left.
me to a tee! dear sammy, i literally would roll out the red carpet for my family and felt so superior that everyone was coming to MY HOUSE for the holidays,
i would spend days planning the menu and decorations, cleaning the house etc and i would only be insulted, criticized, and sometimes my dad would try and get in some inappropriate feels as i am a survivor of sexual molestation by my dad with the last occurance of this abuse happening in public at a doctors office!!!!! but i now have my protective barriors in place. so growth there.
i want my sons who tell me every year how much they love what i have done for them in Christmases past to continue, but realize as i am getting older i just cannot act that way anymore. i LOVE that my traditions are being shown in them as my one son does what i cannot anymore and then he becomes resentful to me as it bothers him that i cannot do the physical work anymore, my home is so beautiful at Christmas and i have acquired throughout the years BEAUTIFUL decorations
that i just treasure for which my husband tells me to throw in a dumpster! its funny that i can look back and realize how much my husband loved those decorations when he and i were using together. when i stopped using is when he started to hate me and my decorations.
my son turns the front yard and the inside of the house into a winter wonderland.
Christmas music plays 24/7 during dec too.
we love it!
i am hanging on with all my might what is left to enjoy while my sons still live here as the empty nester scenario is not too far away. i dont even want to project that awful day when they leave and my animals pass away.
so i still am acting co-dependantly for those reasons and i know its hindering me.
but thank you tim for coming to my defense in my long posts as they do help me, when i type these things that bother me, i feel the stress lifting and the helpful responses i get i save and try to go back to when i feel so low.
it has been nice talking with danny as it is neat to be able to share with someone who understands me.
tim, you sound like the PERFECT man to me, i am probably old enough to be your mom, but what you post describes everything i have ever wanted to share with a man.
i have always wanted a man who would share his love of dogs with me, your cute invitation inviting someone on this board to come enjoy movies, junk food and the dogs around you just melted my heart!
your knowledge of flowers and gardening,.... do you have a clone? j/k.
i want to be loved sooooo bad.
ok, enough for now, need to start a new day, got a nail appt at 1:00 yeah! julie time! then tomorrow a full day at the nursing home loving my seniors and doing their hair.
| QUOTE |
| And this is NOMB - but I hope you aren't sleeping with him. He doesn't sound to responsibleer: |
no, we have not slept together for years, i have the bedroom entirely for me and my animals. after i rejected his advances, he never tried again and wont.
he sleeps on the couch, that seems to be his favorite bed anyway as i begged him for years to come cuddle with me in our bed but he always fell asleep in front of the t.v. and still does.
he has never abused me physically, so i dont believe i am in any danger that way except a scary thought has occurred to me as he has had a woman in his vehicle in our driveway so she does know where i live and who knows who and where these women come from?
stupid me took it upon myself to drive to one womans home to try to collect 100.00 dollars she owed us for my husband accepting and cashing an out of state check from her with the new address written next to the old one. i could never get her to answer the door and my son gave me a good lashing for me putting myself in that dangerous situation.
his life is a big secret to me, as evidence has been proven that he is associating with people who he seems to be giving money to and areas of my city known for prostitution he has been asked to be met at.
evidence also proves he in on viagra and cialis.
65 yrs old and drinking has affected his ability to....hah!
my husbands world has always been about drinking and porn, and i became vulnerable to a man of these qualities as i am a victim of sexual molestation from my dad,. i didnt know that when i met him, but i know now that i made a fatal mistake, but its seemed so right at first because he introduced to me a whole new world i never knew existed, drugs! i was so high and stoned out of my mind when we first dated and we all know the false feelings of "happiness" drugs give us, i thought i had died and gone to heaven, man, he is fifteen years older than me i thought, maybe i was looking for a daddy figure???
only two gifts came from this union, my 2 beautiful sons whom i love sooooo much. i wanted to be a mother so bad and i am so blessed to have been given these gifts.
i feel so guilty that i brought two people into the world having to grow up with all of our problems, but i realize that throughout all the love and spiritual principles that i gave my sons, they are so lucky to have me as their mother and it is another gift form God that despite everything that has occurred, they are the best sons a mother could ever dream to have.
just for today they are clean and sober and have been, college graduates, full time workers, productive members of society, spiritual beings all a gift that was given to them thru God and me, they have had no fatherly participation other than the fact that he did and does provide a roof over their head and insurance.
in closingi want to acknowledge the posts form sarah, rhonda and numbercruncher the posts i missed while typing,
i want you to know i feel your love and i am grateful, rhonda you are not hijacking my thread, continue to tell me your situation too as it helps me as well.
sarah, you were thinking of me as you fell asleep? how beautiful is that!!!!
see, God is doing His gracious & loving work on me thru friends here.
thumper i hear your pain too sweetheart, i love you and havent forgotton any of you here.
i am so glad you understand the garden thing with me sarah, my garden means so much to me and i become discouraged when i think of growing another one as i know i can do, but time is running out, we are just a vapor here on earth, i am realizing that now, it took 14 yrs of living here to get my garden to flourish to the beautiful maturity it now so proudly boasts to me every year.
it would almost be like leaving behing my children, for i am the proud mother to my roses and clematis which have stopped traffic and people tell me how much they enjoy them every year. i grew these ginormous sunflowers last summer that only faced my next door neighbors yard, i was so mad at them as i could only enjoy the back of them, sunflowers face the sun, duh!
but, my recently widowed neighbor told me how much she enjoyed seeing them everyday as she stood at her kitchen sink and looked out her window to enjoy them, that made me feel less angry at those sunflowers. lol!
yes, its the roses and clematis that have won my heart, they are absolutely beautiful, Gods creations are just amazing! well everyone, i have to go for today, i have 3 acrylic nails to saok off before my appt. with all my love and gratitude to all of you, love jewels
