Hi I'm looking for advice I'm based in UK and my partner has been a heroin addict for 17 years he has been incarcerated for 2.5 years and is due to be released next week . While in jail he's been on methadone but will be released on suboxone to my knowledge he's been clean from heroin while inside . I'm looking for advice on how to help him without enabling him ? I mean over the years I've watched him , followed him , begged him to stop , gone through his stuff looking for evidence and I'm done with it I've had enough of all that this time I want to do things differently I know I can't change him and he has to do it for himself but how do I act ? He's also bipolar which he takes medication for , any advice would be appreciated
Emz,
Hello. I don't know how much help I can be but I'll let you know my opinions.
My son is a heroin addict. He has not had more than a few months clean time in the past several years and that was only because of jail.
I think that first of all, it's your partner's responsibility to keep on top of all his meds and counseling appointments. You cannot babysit him. It's not productive to your life. You need to let him know before you allow him back into your life on the outside that his staying clean is his responsibility. You should not have to search through things and live your life skeptical all the time. He has to realize that he's lost a lot of your trust and will have to be on the up and up if he wants to still be in your life. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise you will live your entire life with an addict. He needs to stay clean or he's gone. That's my advice as far as that goes. Now, as far as how to act... I get it. If he's been clean and is staying clean, you don't want to just be on edge, looking for signs all the time. Just like for him, for you it's going to take time also. Just explain to him that you've had all these years of having to be suspicious and it will be a new thing to try and be supportive without enabling and to be aware without being suspicious. I'm sure he'll understand.
The most important thing you can do is to focus on you and taking care of you. Like I said, you need to establish boundaries and stick to them. If he does fall off the wagon, you need to have your plan on what you're going to do. I encourage you to find Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings to go to if they have them in your area. It can really help.
Good luck to you and your partner.
Hello. I don't know how much help I can be but I'll let you know my opinions.
My son is a heroin addict. He has not had more than a few months clean time in the past several years and that was only because of jail.
I think that first of all, it's your partner's responsibility to keep on top of all his meds and counseling appointments. You cannot babysit him. It's not productive to your life. You need to let him know before you allow him back into your life on the outside that his staying clean is his responsibility. You should not have to search through things and live your life skeptical all the time. He has to realize that he's lost a lot of your trust and will have to be on the up and up if he wants to still be in your life. You need to set boundaries and stick to them. Otherwise you will live your entire life with an addict. He needs to stay clean or he's gone. That's my advice as far as that goes. Now, as far as how to act... I get it. If he's been clean and is staying clean, you don't want to just be on edge, looking for signs all the time. Just like for him, for you it's going to take time also. Just explain to him that you've had all these years of having to be suspicious and it will be a new thing to try and be supportive without enabling and to be aware without being suspicious. I'm sure he'll understand.
The most important thing you can do is to focus on you and taking care of you. Like I said, you need to establish boundaries and stick to them. If he does fall off the wagon, you need to have your plan on what you're going to do. I encourage you to find Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings to go to if they have them in your area. It can really help.
Good luck to you and your partner.
I would suggest not living together. from the start, don't put yourself in the position of being the 'police'. Can he work with social services to find his own place, job, etc so his actions are independent from yours.
Thank you both for your reply . He phoned me yesterday and told me he's managed to get himself a job and he starts the day after he's released from jail ...I'm in shock! He's said for years he's going to get a job bla bla so when he said it this time I didn't think much of it , he sounded extremely excited when telling me this is a massive step in the right direction , Shell I've set boundaries and I've also told him that if I have one symptom off him that he's high I will drug test him and if its positive he's out! Also if he refuses to do a test I'll treat it as if its positive . I've decided to take each day as it comes each hour actually ,I'm not going to turn in to the police or a detective I'm going to take a back seat and let him lead the way his life his choices and his decisions .
He's had to come back with me because he would of been homeless and I wouldn't want him to start off badly so the ball is in his court . I appreciate the advice thank you
He's had to come back with me because he would of been homeless and I wouldn't want him to start off badly so the ball is in his court . I appreciate the advice thank you
its fine line between helping and enabling and only you know this line but some rules do apply to everybody and as I seen other girls already told you about boundaries etc .. he will be very emotional ,one moment hyperactive but next one depressed , its perfectly normal as it take time for our body and mind(especially mind as detox is easy but what comes after, recovery is hard) all brain chemicals to start producing .. serotonin , dopamine :) when using all that you get trough heroin so brain stops producing enough anyway I wish you both all the luck you can get
Regards Bonnie
Regards Bonnie
emz - I do understand and have been thinking of this situation for a while. my son was in rehab and recovery for past 2 years, in another state. we were giving him room to get back on his feet and show us he could put addiction behind him. in two years that did not happen completely. For past year he did have a job, rented a room, never saved a dime, didn't pay his rent half of the time. complained about how hard it is to start over from nothing. Us moms get it. It is a fine line. And, even though my son was trying, and is tired of struggling, he just could not make life click for the better. I think it is a fine line for him too. and there's many things he wont do - food shopping and cooking, budgeting. sooo, now he is coming back home. It wont be easy. I have talked to him about letting me hold his pay - in a bank account - and give him what he needs for a week. otherwise, he will spend most of it asap. he agrees, but it I can tell it will be hard for him to do. I also have been paying his student loans, I want him to pay his student loans. he is not going to like that. HIS $$ going for bills! he will want to save for a car - I should hold that $$ or it will be gone in a weekend.... I say it like this because spending $$ has been something he does rather quickly for the past many years and I have not seen improvement. Once I see that he can handle it and is comfortable with saving, I will let him do it. I don't want to be so much in his business, but in the past I have let him handle it, and no good comes of it.
also - money in the hands of someone recovering is very tempting. So - you may want to discuss the pay check with your partner.
Yes, I do agree that it is very hard for a homeless person to hold a job - worried about their belongings, and showering, and getting enough sleep must be difficult. So, for his benefit and for him to feel normal, staying with you would be a good start.
also - money in the hands of someone recovering is very tempting. So - you may want to discuss the pay check with your partner.
Yes, I do agree that it is very hard for a homeless person to hold a job - worried about their belongings, and showering, and getting enough sleep must be difficult. So, for his benefit and for him to feel normal, staying with you would be a good start.
re: jobs - I personally believe that even a part time job is good. the person does not have to shoot for the starts on day one. starting off with something manageable it better than being overwhelmed.
