I found this site through webmd and I'm glad I did because I've read alot of the threads and I feel that I could fit in here....
Here is my very sad feel sorry for me story:
I am a 40 yr old mother of two( one girl 19 yrs and one boy 12yrs) I have been married for 19 yrs been with him for 21yrs. I have finally started to realize that I have a huge problem with addiction and I don't know what to do or where to go...
Long story short in the past three years I've had viral meningities, and four back surg. oh wait and I took a bad twist but didn't fall in oct 2002 thats where my story begins and then because of that I hurt my back and the whole addiction cycle begins: ( At first I was only taking a anti inflam drug and advil for the pain in my back that worked well masking the pain or the problem for a while but after the bout with meningites my back became worse and so the dr. did not beleive me she said I wasn't young anymore it would take longer to bounce back so after five months of telling her this and getting meds for the pain she wanted me to see a pain dr. that same day I requested a mri. Of course the mri turned up problems with my disc and I felt better because I knew it wasn't all in my head like she made me feel. Anyway had two back surgs six months apart where they go in and take the bone chips off of the nerve which of course it didn't work so more drugs no answers and a year and half later still had pains went to a different dr just did back problems and told needed a fusion so he sent me to a pain dr to see what they could do without a fusion tryed all these things plus being on drugs for the pain 6 months later could no longer work because of the pain and by that time I was taking 4000 mg of neurontin doing the fentanyl patch 100mgs every other day actic suckers for break through pains and of course prozac I finally got the surg done in april 2005 and went back to work in june 2005 so have been taking drugs since 2002 and still going because of course in order to work after 8 weeks out of a fusion full time I had to do it with drugs and now its jan 2007 and I'm still on drugs except now I was stealing meds from where I worked because 90 oxycondon was not enough to numb me for a month that I was getting from my pain dr. so right now as I write this I have just quit my job which I love because I have to stop this cycle I'm in with the drugs I'm blaming the neurontin because I still take 1400mgs a day for the reason I can't work anymore because in a way its true the neurontin makes it hard for me to think.. plus I'm on 60mgs of prozac and then 25mgs of fentanyl a day on top of the oxycondon 10/650 of course. I'm so lost I just want to go in a hole and die because I just don't want to feel the pain of the pain of the pain anymore.. I have been seeing a therapiest since last april of 2006 but of course it doesn't help if you don't really tell whats going on in your life..I have so much angry and hate in me that I don't know what to do I have not been to work since jan 4th and that was the last time I had vics but of course my friend lives with us and broke her arm on the seventh and she has given me same of her percs a total of nine since then. I just didn't want to steal drugs anymore, I had to quit my job I'm to the point now that I don't care if I lose everything trying to get off the drugs rather then keep going like I was on the drugs. Does that make since. My family does not know they know that I'm in pain because of my back but I'm starting to think I don't even know what pain I really have anymore if that makes since. Please somebody help me I don't know where to go from here.. thanks nik sorry its so long that was just the short version.haha
Hi,
Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found it. This place saved my life.
So you started with legitimate pain and surgery and things just escalated. Same here.
I don't know a lot about some of the drugs you're on (except the percocet), but the dosages seem so high, I would worry about trying to get off without medical supervision. Having lied to my own therapist for years about my addiction, I can say, issues still got resolved, so it wasn't a total waste of time, but telling your therapist now would be a really good step. Your therapist can help you organize getting the drugs out of your system safely and then work on the psychological tools you'll need to stay clean.
Quitting your job to cut off your source is a brave, necessary step. Brava! It sounds like you know you've hit bottom and want to turn things around. And when the drug fog lifts, I promise you, the world will not look like the same place.
Addiction is a disease, not a moral condition. If your anger is directed at yourself, please stop beating yourself up, any more than you beat yourself up because you got meningitis. There is no dishonor in having a disease.
Best wishes,
Gina
P.S. You wrote: "sorry its so long that was just the short version.haha "
LOL, no one ever has to apologize to ME for the length of a post. Write as much as you like. The more details you give, the more people will be able to help you.
Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found it. This place saved my life.
So you started with legitimate pain and surgery and things just escalated. Same here.
I don't know a lot about some of the drugs you're on (except the percocet), but the dosages seem so high, I would worry about trying to get off without medical supervision. Having lied to my own therapist for years about my addiction, I can say, issues still got resolved, so it wasn't a total waste of time, but telling your therapist now would be a really good step. Your therapist can help you organize getting the drugs out of your system safely and then work on the psychological tools you'll need to stay clean.
Quitting your job to cut off your source is a brave, necessary step. Brava! It sounds like you know you've hit bottom and want to turn things around. And when the drug fog lifts, I promise you, the world will not look like the same place.
Addiction is a disease, not a moral condition. If your anger is directed at yourself, please stop beating yourself up, any more than you beat yourself up because you got meningitis. There is no dishonor in having a disease.
Best wishes,
Gina
P.S. You wrote: "sorry its so long that was just the short version.haha "
LOL, no one ever has to apologize to ME for the length of a post. Write as much as you like. The more details you give, the more people will be able to help you.
Hi there.
First off, I want to welcome you here. So glad you found this board, it is a great source of support and encouragement. I remember when I found this board I felt completely alone, and it was a great feeling to know I wasnt.
I can relate to part of your story as well. I was abusing vicoden for quite some time before I had a car accident in 2004 or 03, I cant remember for sure now. I flipped a car several times, and ended up with rods in my hand. I was in real pain after the hand surgeries, but I was also an addict. I found it very very easy to get pain meds after that. I went from vicoden to oxycodone (percocet) very quickly and that is when my problems really god BAD. I was up to 150-200 mgs of oxycodone, and there are many more here, who have been exactly where you are as well.
It was as if when on the vicoden I managed in some sense to still hold my life together, or at least it appeared I was..........When I started on the oxy's I was off to the races in a bad way. I eventually ended up in rehab, and I am now on Suboxone, I dont know if this is something you have heard of? Google it, if not. It is a medication prescribed for opiate addiction, and allows you to detox without cravings or withdrawal. It can be used long term, I have been on it for a year.
Stepping away from your work was probably the best choice right now, there is NO WAY I could of went through oxy withdrawal and work at the same time. The first several days are bad but it does slowly get better, and before you know it you will begin feeling like "you" again. Small price to pay, a few days of withdrawals, considering you would be clean.
Are you still in alot of pain? This is something that is complicated, when someone has real pain issues, but yet has addiction issues.
If you dont mind me asking how many mg's total are you taking per day of the oxycodone (percocet), Or are you taking an extended release of oxycodone, Oxycontin?
How many mgs are you taking now? Have you already cut down your dosage?
Knowing this will allow you to receive more accurate help, if you are wanting to do a taper or quit cold turkey.
The board is sometimes a little slow this time of day, but you will get alot more responses, when it picks up later.
There are many here that are excellent help, and I know will be able to give you some suggestions............
Hang in there, and Im glad your here, Keep posting.
First off, I want to welcome you here. So glad you found this board, it is a great source of support and encouragement. I remember when I found this board I felt completely alone, and it was a great feeling to know I wasnt.
I can relate to part of your story as well. I was abusing vicoden for quite some time before I had a car accident in 2004 or 03, I cant remember for sure now. I flipped a car several times, and ended up with rods in my hand. I was in real pain after the hand surgeries, but I was also an addict. I found it very very easy to get pain meds after that. I went from vicoden to oxycodone (percocet) very quickly and that is when my problems really god BAD. I was up to 150-200 mgs of oxycodone, and there are many more here, who have been exactly where you are as well.
It was as if when on the vicoden I managed in some sense to still hold my life together, or at least it appeared I was..........When I started on the oxy's I was off to the races in a bad way. I eventually ended up in rehab, and I am now on Suboxone, I dont know if this is something you have heard of? Google it, if not. It is a medication prescribed for opiate addiction, and allows you to detox without cravings or withdrawal. It can be used long term, I have been on it for a year.
Stepping away from your work was probably the best choice right now, there is NO WAY I could of went through oxy withdrawal and work at the same time. The first several days are bad but it does slowly get better, and before you know it you will begin feeling like "you" again. Small price to pay, a few days of withdrawals, considering you would be clean.
Are you still in alot of pain? This is something that is complicated, when someone has real pain issues, but yet has addiction issues.
If you dont mind me asking how many mg's total are you taking per day of the oxycodone (percocet), Or are you taking an extended release of oxycodone, Oxycontin?
How many mgs are you taking now? Have you already cut down your dosage?
Knowing this will allow you to receive more accurate help, if you are wanting to do a taper or quit cold turkey.
The board is sometimes a little slow this time of day, but you will get alot more responses, when it picks up later.
There are many here that are excellent help, and I know will be able to give you some suggestions............
Hang in there, and Im glad your here, Keep posting.
Hi Gina,
Thank-you for your post it really helps when feeling this bad just to have somebody be able to understand what I'm going through. The bad part is I have my appt. with my pain dr. on Monday and I know that I will not be able to tell him anything, I think to myself I'll only take the percs only when it hurts and not before. But of course would I only be lying to myself. But before I didn't have the fear of running out because I would take vics from work that's why I quit my job, I'm really getting scared of what I've become I'm only suppose to take four percs a day but I take eight or nine a day and I'm afraid its only going to get worse from here if I didn't quit my job..
Thank-you for your post it really helps when feeling this bad just to have somebody be able to understand what I'm going through. The bad part is I have my appt. with my pain dr. on Monday and I know that I will not be able to tell him anything, I think to myself I'll only take the percs only when it hurts and not before. But of course would I only be lying to myself. But before I didn't have the fear of running out because I would take vics from work that's why I quit my job, I'm really getting scared of what I've become I'm only suppose to take four percs a day but I take eight or nine a day and I'm afraid its only going to get worse from here if I didn't quit my job..
Hi Nic,
Can you give your medications to someone else to hold? If there were a percocet anywhere around when I was in early w/d I would have sniffed it out of the back of the filthiest toilet in a men's bar in Jersey City, thanked the Lord and swallowed it without dusting it off. We have no control over this disease. Can you have your husband lock them away and give them to you as prescribed? You have legitimate pain issues, on top of the physical dependence, as well as the psychological addiction. It's a heavy load to carry on your own.
Keep posting. Read this board and the web. Educate yourself about our disease. When you can't bear yourself anymore, come here and post some more. We've all been there. We're all addicts. It helps to talk about it and find out you're not the only working mother with kids and a husband and a problem with pills.
Cheers,
Gina
Can you give your medications to someone else to hold? If there were a percocet anywhere around when I was in early w/d I would have sniffed it out of the back of the filthiest toilet in a men's bar in Jersey City, thanked the Lord and swallowed it without dusting it off. We have no control over this disease. Can you have your husband lock them away and give them to you as prescribed? You have legitimate pain issues, on top of the physical dependence, as well as the psychological addiction. It's a heavy load to carry on your own.
Keep posting. Read this board and the web. Educate yourself about our disease. When you can't bear yourself anymore, come here and post some more. We've all been there. We're all addicts. It helps to talk about it and find out you're not the only working mother with kids and a husband and a problem with pills.
Cheers,
Gina
Welcome ur2good,
Your back pain/surgery is the same story as mine. I have a "3 level" fusion. It hurts a lot. I think when people don't believe you it hurts more.
I was eating pills like there was no tomorrow. I was sure I had to take pills for the rest of my life. The WD's were terrible, I just couldent stop, I was so tired of my doctor shopping for pills. I didn't know there was hope for me.
I went to an addiction specialist. I took a medication called suboxone. Click on this and read about it.
http://www.buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/about.html
I HAD to stop taking all the pills. The suboxone helped me get past the WD's and I haven't had a pill in almost 7 months. My pain levels have fallen since I stopped taking the pills. The pills were making my pain worse and I didn't know it.
You can stop taking the pills. There is a tomorrow. Talk to you doctor on Monday. You and I suffer from cronic pain. You do not have to suffer from the pain or take massive amounts of pills. Maybe suboxone isn't the answer for you, but there is a lot of help out there.
Your going to be fine!
Catherine
Your back pain/surgery is the same story as mine. I have a "3 level" fusion. It hurts a lot. I think when people don't believe you it hurts more.
I was eating pills like there was no tomorrow. I was sure I had to take pills for the rest of my life. The WD's were terrible, I just couldent stop, I was so tired of my doctor shopping for pills. I didn't know there was hope for me.
I went to an addiction specialist. I took a medication called suboxone. Click on this and read about it.
http://www.buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/about.html
I HAD to stop taking all the pills. The suboxone helped me get past the WD's and I haven't had a pill in almost 7 months. My pain levels have fallen since I stopped taking the pills. The pills were making my pain worse and I didn't know it.
You can stop taking the pills. There is a tomorrow. Talk to you doctor on Monday. You and I suffer from cronic pain. You do not have to suffer from the pain or take massive amounts of pills. Maybe suboxone isn't the answer for you, but there is a lot of help out there.
Your going to be fine!
Catherine
This really helps talking or typing I should say, when I first put the post up I felt so hopeless this morning thinking how I was going to get through the day since I haven't had any perc's today. Your right when you have chronic pain and addiction it's very hard I don't abuse my other meds just the percs, I take the neurontin for nerve pain I did stop taking the neurontin but once I stopped taking them after awhile the pain begin to get unbearable so I had to start back on the neurontin and then the fentanyl patch is a very addictive drug its used mostly for patients with cancer or chronic pain and I never abuse those it's just the percs and vic that I was abusing. (like how I justify it by saying just) I know it doesn't matter what your addictive too it's all the same its still abuse.
thanks for the help guys its really helped my day today to get this out.
nik
thanks for the help guys its really helped my day today to get this out.
nik
Nic,
Keep talking about it. It really helped me.
I was addicted to just one drug too. That's very common for us to find one we really like. It's called our DOC, drug of choice. I was given lots of other drugs but I never got addicted to them.
For those of us in cronic pain it's a good idea to stay away from our DOC. Take something different and don't take it for long periods of time.
When I took the suboxone I was going to stop taking my DOC then take something different. Today I don't need anything strong for the pain. I wasn't expecting that. I may have to take something stronger in the future but for now I'm happy to be pill free.
I was frightened to tell my doctor's about my pill addiction because I was sure they would stop giving me pills. Your pain management doctor understands addiction. Don't be frightemed to talk to you doctor like I was. Your doctor can help you.
Cronic pain and addiction go hand in hand. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. lol
Yep, being in pain and being addicted really stinks.
Catherine
Keep talking about it. It really helped me.
I was addicted to just one drug too. That's very common for us to find one we really like. It's called our DOC, drug of choice. I was given lots of other drugs but I never got addicted to them.
For those of us in cronic pain it's a good idea to stay away from our DOC. Take something different and don't take it for long periods of time.
When I took the suboxone I was going to stop taking my DOC then take something different. Today I don't need anything strong for the pain. I wasn't expecting that. I may have to take something stronger in the future but for now I'm happy to be pill free.
I was frightened to tell my doctor's about my pill addiction because I was sure they would stop giving me pills. Your pain management doctor understands addiction. Don't be frightemed to talk to you doctor like I was. Your doctor can help you.
Cronic pain and addiction go hand in hand. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. lol
Yep, being in pain and being addicted really stinks.
Catherine
Catherine,
I am afraid to tell anybody:< I'm sure people know and just don't say anything because of my back pain but I'm so tired of using that as a excuse. How long ago did you have your back surg. If you don't mind me asking? I 'm more concerned with getting off the fentanyl patch more then anything else because I tried it once and it didn't work. But at the time of the surg. I was taking 100mg every other day now I'm on 25mg every three days for the patch, if I could just take the neurontin and the fentanyl patch and prozac I would be happy. I know that the pain is not that bad without them, in the past 15 days I've had 9 perc's and not the 10/650 that I usually take and I'm still alive and thats what I usually take in one day. Its just that once I get the script I use them to hide from myself and my unhappy life. I have no other outlet right now and I have plenty of excuses to keep it that way.(hahahah) Thats way I needed to quit my job cut myself off from my own little drugstore(so I thought)
I'm really tired of hiding it from people I just want to tell them don't you see what I'm doing.But fear is one of the things I do well I fear everything.
I am afraid to tell anybody:< I'm sure people know and just don't say anything because of my back pain but I'm so tired of using that as a excuse. How long ago did you have your back surg. If you don't mind me asking? I 'm more concerned with getting off the fentanyl patch more then anything else because I tried it once and it didn't work. But at the time of the surg. I was taking 100mg every other day now I'm on 25mg every three days for the patch, if I could just take the neurontin and the fentanyl patch and prozac I would be happy. I know that the pain is not that bad without them, in the past 15 days I've had 9 perc's and not the 10/650 that I usually take and I'm still alive and thats what I usually take in one day. Its just that once I get the script I use them to hide from myself and my unhappy life. I have no other outlet right now and I have plenty of excuses to keep it that way.(hahahah) Thats way I needed to quit my job cut myself off from my own little drugstore(so I thought)
I'm really tired of hiding it from people I just want to tell them don't you see what I'm doing.But fear is one of the things I do well I fear everything.
Nic,
You and I are too much alike!!!!
I had my surgery 4 years ago. Mine is a cervical spine injury. I have a titanium plate in my neck. I had physical therapy, pain block's you name it before I had the surgery. I got addicted to pain pills right away. I now understand that my fear of my injury fueled my pill addiction.
I didn't think my injury was as bad as it was. I went to an Orthopedic Surgeon and was frightened by the test results. A brace was quickly put on my neck and they woulden't let me drive home. My BF drove me home. On the way home I took a couple of pain pills. The pain and the fear went away. I was in happy land suck on the freeway during rush hour. Thats when I discovered that the pills were good for fear, sadness and pain!
There was NO WAY on this earth I was going to tell anyone. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I also didn't want anyone to know about my injury. I didn't want people to know I was "weak", I didn't want people to think I was "old". I was also told my injury was something that happened "when you get older". I would like to find the nurse that told me that and tell her off.
So I masked the pain of all of it with pills. I refused to accept that I had a painfull medical condition. My condition will get worse and I just couldent accept it. I wanted to be completely pain free. What I really wanted was to have my life back as it was before my accident.
My Addiction Specialist helped me so much. He understands pain, he also understands addiction. He never condemned me for getting addicted. He understood how easy it can happen. He worked with me to control the pain I am in now. If I ever get addicted again he will be there for me.
You don't have to wear a sign saying your addicted. Tell the people who can help you. I truly believe we can't stop taking the pills without help. When I stopped being stubborn and asked for help I got it.
Start taking care of YOU now. You're important, you deserve to be happy.
Catherine
You and I are too much alike!!!!
I had my surgery 4 years ago. Mine is a cervical spine injury. I have a titanium plate in my neck. I had physical therapy, pain block's you name it before I had the surgery. I got addicted to pain pills right away. I now understand that my fear of my injury fueled my pill addiction.
I didn't think my injury was as bad as it was. I went to an Orthopedic Surgeon and was frightened by the test results. A brace was quickly put on my neck and they woulden't let me drive home. My BF drove me home. On the way home I took a couple of pain pills. The pain and the fear went away. I was in happy land suck on the freeway during rush hour. Thats when I discovered that the pills were good for fear, sadness and pain!
There was NO WAY on this earth I was going to tell anyone. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I also didn't want anyone to know about my injury. I didn't want people to know I was "weak", I didn't want people to think I was "old". I was also told my injury was something that happened "when you get older". I would like to find the nurse that told me that and tell her off.
So I masked the pain of all of it with pills. I refused to accept that I had a painfull medical condition. My condition will get worse and I just couldent accept it. I wanted to be completely pain free. What I really wanted was to have my life back as it was before my accident.
My Addiction Specialist helped me so much. He understands pain, he also understands addiction. He never condemned me for getting addicted. He understood how easy it can happen. He worked with me to control the pain I am in now. If I ever get addicted again he will be there for me.
You don't have to wear a sign saying your addicted. Tell the people who can help you. I truly believe we can't stop taking the pills without help. When I stopped being stubborn and asked for help I got it.
Start taking care of YOU now. You're important, you deserve to be happy.
Catherine
catherine
Its so true, its the fear of the pain that keeps this cycle going and of course myself. (HaHa) But I fear the pain so much that for the last year and half I really have done nothing but work..... The sad part is that I did have a life before the pain I still had my problems too, but I could handle problems pre-pain. Or should I call it pre addiction? I really can't say that either because I've always had some sort of addiction. Here I am making excuses again. I can't tell my Mom or Dad because My sisters husband just died of cancer the end of nov. and that was his thrid bout with cancer and if I tryed to bring up my problems my mom would say look what Chris (my brother in law) has been through so I wouldn't say anything else to her for fear of hurting her because I was being selfish and only thinking of myself.. My dad was hurt real bad in the late 1950's in a factory accident and only has half a foot and three toes wired to bone and I asked him how he handled the pain he was in the hospital for six months and was on morphine and he just said to me you just handle it and learn to live with it. My dad can't take any kind of narc it makes him sick and I've seen him go through a lot of pain from he's foot without taking any meds. So why can't I handle it like him, I feel like such a wimp !!!! My husband also has addictions he smokes pot and plays the computer all the time so he's no help. His game world of war craft is more important then anything else so he's not very helpful to say the least. I'm so glad I found this board I know I'm just rambleing on but I've had so many thoughts in my head and no where to go with them. I can't talk to my friends because I don't think they would understand.. I guess enough writing for now. thanks for listening to me or at least letting me use this post to get past some problems.. nik
Its so true, its the fear of the pain that keeps this cycle going and of course myself. (HaHa) But I fear the pain so much that for the last year and half I really have done nothing but work..... The sad part is that I did have a life before the pain I still had my problems too, but I could handle problems pre-pain. Or should I call it pre addiction? I really can't say that either because I've always had some sort of addiction. Here I am making excuses again. I can't tell my Mom or Dad because My sisters husband just died of cancer the end of nov. and that was his thrid bout with cancer and if I tryed to bring up my problems my mom would say look what Chris (my brother in law) has been through so I wouldn't say anything else to her for fear of hurting her because I was being selfish and only thinking of myself.. My dad was hurt real bad in the late 1950's in a factory accident and only has half a foot and three toes wired to bone and I asked him how he handled the pain he was in the hospital for six months and was on morphine and he just said to me you just handle it and learn to live with it. My dad can't take any kind of narc it makes him sick and I've seen him go through a lot of pain from he's foot without taking any meds. So why can't I handle it like him, I feel like such a wimp !!!! My husband also has addictions he smokes pot and plays the computer all the time so he's no help. His game world of war craft is more important then anything else so he's not very helpful to say the least. I'm so glad I found this board I know I'm just rambleing on but I've had so many thoughts in my head and no where to go with them. I can't talk to my friends because I don't think they would understand.. I guess enough writing for now. thanks for listening to me or at least letting me use this post to get past some problems.. nik
You're not rambling! Keep talking about it. When you read your own words you can see things clearer.
I was unable to confide in anyone either. I have a very cold uncaring family. Going to them would not have helped. You wrote .. "I can't talk to my friends because I don't think they would understand.. " You're right, your friends can't understand.
I felt very sorry for myself because I felt like I was fighting my injury and my addiction alone. Poor me, poor me, as I ate hands full of pills and was slowly killing myself.
I found help and understanding with people who understood because they were also addicts. Only addicts understand what addiction is like.
My doctor understood. People in NA/AA understand. You have done a very good thing by quiting your job to get away from pills. Now put youself in a place where you have people who understand what you're going through. Tell your doctor. Call NA/AA . Call your local hospital and ask if they sponsor any addiction groups. Call hot lines that you can find in your phone book. Start reaching out.
I know how terrifying this all sounds. I had to eat double my dose of pills to make my first phone call. lol
Keep posting, keep talking about it.
Catherine
Writing things down is good therapy for you, even if you don't think so. It helps to clarify things in your own mind, plus you get wonderful feedback from those who have been in the same place. People do care. Many on the board have suffered (and suffer) chronic pain and will give you the support you so desparately need. Best of luck and ((((hugs))))). My daughter is in chronic pain also with a back injury. We would never judge her and we feel so unhappy with the amount of pain she experiences and the quality of her life. It's a terrible situation to be in. We are SO happy that she did finally tell us about it all after hiding it for a few years.
