I am a 31yr old female dealing with 39 yr old male who is addicted to both crack and heroine. We have been together for 5 years today. We have a 21 month old daughter. I've been through several detoxes with him and just don't seem to work. I've been through one 30 day program as well and he stayed sober of 90 days. I'm very depressed. I contemplated suicide because of the whole situation. He's a very sweet person. I'm just about all he has out here. I am ready to give up but it is so hard. I've put so much into him that now I'm losing my self in the process. I go to therapy once a week for my depression but it doesn't seem to help me very much. I'm in the process of being evicted out of my home. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's starting to hallucinate about me being with someone else and it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in prison. I am currently out on disability due to the stress of this relationship. I am due to go back to work in 3 weeks and I'm still not mentally ready for it. I try to talk to him but it just goes from one ear to another. I really really love him and I want to be there but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to give up and then he winds up dead somewhere. He has been verbally, physically, and mentally abusive to me and its still so very hard to let go. I am deperately seeking advice from someone in a similar situation.
I am 33 yr old woman that was in a relationship with a crack head. I was with him for 5 years. We have no children (thank god). The way your are feeling I have been there many times. I was told over and over I was an enabler I thought it was my fault he did the drugs. I was in so much pain watching him slowly destroying us. We went through rehab, jail, lost jobs etc always with promise that he would quit. Starting fights so he could go use. Well 9 months ago I kicked him out and still saw him. The last time I know he used was the end of May. I told him if he stayed clean for 90 days we would move back in together. Well through all my pain and tears - 1 1/2 months ago he dumped me for someone. Can you image the hurt I felt I stood by this man through thick and thin and when he thinks he's getting his life together I got left behind. So be every careful of all the pain you suffer because it will be for nothing (hopeful not in you case but it mine it was) You need to get strong for you and your child. Who will take care of her if she dosent; have you? If sounds to me you need to work on your happiness to make this relationship you are in work you are both headed on the wrong path. Are you really happy even when he's not using or are you always waiting for the shoe to drop. I think I got addicted to him and trying to save him from himself and I also lost myself but I am starting to find her know. He did me a favor by dumping me even at the time it didn't feel like it but it's getting easier everyday. Just like with a addict take one day at a time and be happy with who your are.......
You know what? A lot of us have been in your shoes. You have a child....thank the good lord that he left you because you would still be in his hell. I know you must think I am mean and can't believe I am saying this...but you are better off without him. Concentrate on your child AND yourself. Once you are ready you will meet the right person. And if in your heart it doesn't feel right then you deserve to keep trying or maybe you just need you and your baby. I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes we are better off on our own. Take care of you and your child....k?
"just don't seem to work"- Because he has not hit his own bottom yet, he has to want recovery more than anything else in his life. He has to do the work, not U. It is his problem, not urs. U are accepting his behavior.
"I'm just about all he has out here"- of course u are. Everyone else in his life has probably tried so many times to help him and realized he does not want help, they get disgusted at trying over and over and have to save themselves and walk away.
"I've put so much into him"- what has he put into u?, ur relationship?, the wellbeing of ur child?
"I just don't know what to do anymore."- until he wants to be clean, there is NOTHING u can do, SAVE URSELF, but most of all, SAVE UR CHILD, what kind of a dad can a addict be?
"He's starting to hallucinate about me being with someone else"- thats paranoia, and playing the "accusing" game. He has to blame somebody for his irrational behavior, so he turns the game around to make u the f***ed up one.
"I try to talk to him but it just goes from one ear to another"- nothing u do or say will make him use or not use. It is all up to him.
"I don't want to give up and then he winds up dead somewhere."- it will end with prison, death, or recovery. Again it's up to him how it ends.
"He has been verbally, physically, and mentally abusive to me"- What!!! what are u waiting for, for him to kill you? maybe ur child?
I think u know the answers to ur own questions. Since u are being evicted, go to a womans shelter, they will at least protect ur child from him if you wont. They can help u get away from him and build a new life for u and ur child. U have tried so hard to love him and be there 4 him, but now the situation is dangerous, addiction is a progressive disease, it's only gonna get worse. If u can't see clearly enough to protect urself, at least talk to someone about the danger ur child is in. And that danger is REAL.
"I'm just about all he has out here"- of course u are. Everyone else in his life has probably tried so many times to help him and realized he does not want help, they get disgusted at trying over and over and have to save themselves and walk away.
"I've put so much into him"- what has he put into u?, ur relationship?, the wellbeing of ur child?
"I just don't know what to do anymore."- until he wants to be clean, there is NOTHING u can do, SAVE URSELF, but most of all, SAVE UR CHILD, what kind of a dad can a addict be?
"He's starting to hallucinate about me being with someone else"- thats paranoia, and playing the "accusing" game. He has to blame somebody for his irrational behavior, so he turns the game around to make u the f***ed up one.
"I try to talk to him but it just goes from one ear to another"- nothing u do or say will make him use or not use. It is all up to him.
"I don't want to give up and then he winds up dead somewhere."- it will end with prison, death, or recovery. Again it's up to him how it ends.
"He has been verbally, physically, and mentally abusive to me"- What!!! what are u waiting for, for him to kill you? maybe ur child?
I think u know the answers to ur own questions. Since u are being evicted, go to a womans shelter, they will at least protect ur child from him if you wont. They can help u get away from him and build a new life for u and ur child. U have tried so hard to love him and be there 4 him, but now the situation is dangerous, addiction is a progressive disease, it's only gonna get worse. If u can't see clearly enough to protect urself, at least talk to someone about the danger ur child is in. And that danger is REAL.
Listen, I know exactly how you feel. I'm 18 years old and I have been in kind of the same situation. I am always attracted to the assholes, the drug addicted assholes. I've been arrested because of drug abuse and had to go through substance abuse counseling. I have tried every drug you can think of and I'm addicted to more than one right now. I know that I probably can't help you because I can't barely keep myself together. I could just cry, all the time. I just pop some more pills or crush some more up, or I eat some shrooms or snort some coc, if I can get ahold of it. I was even smoking crack. I don't know what the magic words are to make everything better but I do know that you need to get away from him. I was with a guy for three years, he had a little boy, and we were going to get married. He was the love of my whole life. But, He was nothing but trouble. He used to beat the hell out of me. I thought I deserved it. I was 15 years old dating a 23 year old that used to make me think I deserved to get the hell beat out of me. I have a scar on the front of my leg because he stabbed me with a knife. He has choked me with an extension cord, threw me through walls and down stairs. I just know what you mean, how you feel, how it feels to be treated like that and think that that's all the better you deserve or can do. Well, I will tell you what. You're not stuck. I know it feels like you can't get away, I know. People say, "Oh, why don't they just leave, that's so stupid of them, they deserve it." People that say that obviously have NO idea what it feels like. I felt like I was stuck, just like I'm sure you do. I just want you to know, you're not stuck. You just need to get away from it. Go live somewhere else. Go stay with a friend, anything you can do is better than it is now. It's not going to be easy. He might follow you and threaten you and hit your car or even come around and try to hurt you. (trust me, I'm speaking from experience. I moved and he followed me 5 hours away from his kid and everything.) It will get really REALLY hard but I guarantee that you will feel a whole lot better when things start to settle down. Even though I am having problems, they are my problems and I control what I do and where I go and who I date. I've never had that before and it's beautiful. You'll see what I see if you get out now. Now before it's too late for you and your baby.