I Offered To Go W/him To Get Help!

As I stated previously, I am in love with a crack addict (19yrs of addiction). I spoke with him about this web site and he seemed a little interested. I told him that I was very touched by the person that lost her best friend last Wednesday. When I told him about it he was very intrigued. I then told him that I was scared that he might not wake up like that guy. He then got all cocky and acted like he was an expert in "CRACK 101." He said when you use crack for so long and so much, your internal organs begin to feed off the crack, you basiclly do not eat (at least in his case, he doesn't eat.) I then said to him that I would go with him to get help. He said, "NO" he said he doesn't wan't me involved in that world, that it is bad enough he is in that world. He said he is tired and bored of it. I think he is just very lonely. The only time he is really sober is on Fridays when he has his son. He usually has him from 3:00 p.m. on Friday and takes him back to his mom on Sunday @ 7:00 p.m. Once he drops him off on Sunday he drives straight to the dealer and uses until Monday night. I usually do not speak to him until Tuesday. Last night when we were talking, he made a bet with me. He said he is going to stay clean starting today June 10, 2004 until Labor Day, 2004 (or at least he is going to try) His "baby momma" doesn't help either, I understand she is fed up but she aggrevates the situation too!!!!!! You see they recently broke up, he tells me that he is tired of her critizism and her put downs. He also says that she doesn't complete him. As far as me, I'm always there for him but lately I've been feeling used and I get mad at him easily. He can't stand me getting mad at him, he's told me that he feels he "kisses my a**" he also says that I've been there for him than anyone else, including his parents. I'm very sad, depressed, confused, frustrated, and in love. Sometimes I feel that if i walk away, it will be a wake up call for him but at the same time I feel like why would I make a difference in his life if his own children haven't made him change. Maybe I have alot of wishfull thinking and maybe my love for him is blinding me. When he isn't on his crack or coming down from it, he is very sweet and considerate. he really is a great guy!!! If anyone out there can understand me and can give me advise on how to help him, I would really appreciate it. My love for him is so great that I only want to see him happy and off the drugs, even if he isn't for me!! HELP, CAN ANYONE HEAR ME???????????
Hi Love!

I already told you what I thought yesterday and I stand by whatever I said..."Be tough bla bla bla..."

Addiction can be a very difficult thing to get over. Why doesn't HE come and join this message board. Tell him to sit down next Sunday, before he brings back his son, and tell his story. Tell him to tell us that "it's almost like a routine for him every Sunday... and that he feels helpless...hopeless..." Maybe he won't feel so alone as I'm sure he does now. Regardless of your love, his son or his "baby mamma" (?), he's the one who needs to take the steps towards recovery.

Everyone can show him love, hate,support, shame or encouragement,... He's still the one who needs to walk this road and the first step is always the hardest. "Hi! I have a crack problem and I'm afraid...Help!" Something like that, you know...

Good luck & God Bless you all!
JC
First off -- I could of written your story. Drug abusers seem to think they are in it all alone -- yet there are millions just like them. My boyfriend has an extreme addiction to cocaine. Was clean for 12 years and then one night changed that. He was clean again for 4 months prior to this recent relapse. However it took him 4 eight balls in one night -- yes, by himself to shock him into reality. Somehow he made it through. I believe it was my will power (stubbornness) and prayer that got him clean last time. This time -- I just don't know if I can do it. He's giving up and so am I. If they loose there fight to live - what can we do? We have no control over that - no control if they live or die. We have to accept that and put in God's hands. To much of a load to bear on our own. We must do what is best for ourselves. If we are weak what good are we. We may not be the addict, however, this addiction will kill us also. I can't imagine my life without him -- but the life i have now is without him. When you live with an addict, you live with the drug, not the person. They know we love them -- and if they truly love us, they will one day understand (if they survive drug free) that walking away saves at least one life, hopefully two. On that note Im still here, havent walked away yet.
I too stand by what I said yesterday. Doesn't want you involved in that world, well girl you are. Have you had the cops at your door at 2:00 in the morning looking for him yet? Have you had your phone ringing all hours of the day and night yet? Have you had the crack dealer calling you yet saying he owes them money and if you don't pay it they will hurt him? How 'bout the Feds? Have you laid in bed crying your eyes out, wondering if he's laying in a gutter, or wondering what he's laying with? Have you had to do your twice a week visits to the prison for a year, trying to support him in every way, only for him to start using within the hour of getting out? Have you ever wanted him to be 'there' for you just once. Look forward to these and other exciting times. He CANT do it without help, and he doesn't want help yet. I also would double or nothing the bet that he will be using by Independence Day, much less Labor Day. You and his children both come a distant second behind his true love 'crack'. I know I'm coming across as not having any compassion, but I stood toe to toe with the devil fighting for his soul for a long time and I lost the fight. I read once "when you're dealing with a crack addict it's like a little league team trying to beat the New York Yankees", you don't have a chance. I wish with all my heart that there was a magic cure, and if they could only just see themselves through our eyes, if only for a brief moment, they could see who they could be. There's a saying about 'Love Conquers All', I too wish that were true, I loved him like I never thought I was capable of. I wish you all the best of luck in the world, maybe you will be able to do what thousands of us who have loved addicts have tried to do, maybe you will find the magic cure.
Kate
You are right. Addiction is a family disease. It effects the whole family. During me active addiction I never noticed how it effected my whole family. Honestly, I just became so self centered that I never really cared. Part my my rehab treatment was to have my 16 year old daughter write me a letter on how my addiction harmed her. She wrote 8 things. I will share them with you.
1 He always picked me up late
2 He dis not come home two times
3 He lied
4 He lied
5 He lied
6 he lied
7 He lied
8 He slept all the times that he was home

Most of my life the one thing that I could always take pride in was the fact that I was a good father, and when I got a letter like that I raelly broke down I tears because I never thought that I was harming somebody. I was embaress by the person that I became and that letter hit home with me. I carry a copy of it with me in my pocket every day as a reminder of what I dont want to go back to. She was right about all those things. What amazed me about that letter was I was expecting her to right down material thingd that That I could not provide her with, but what she told me in those 32 words was that I lost my integredy. I became a different person. It does effect everybody around us. Thanks for the constant reminder that you give me daily on the damage that we as addicts do. Makes me want to become the person that I can be.

David
david c-
Yes you are right about addiction being a self-centered selfish disease. Your daughter was looking for what we all are, love, affection, honesty, being able to depend on you, trust, just being there for us. Material things mean absolutely nothing. Sounds like you're on your way to a normal, good and happy life. I know it is a struggle everyday, but you are so worth it. I hope you have started trying to repair some of the damage with your daughter, she sounds like a great kid and needs a strong dad she can look up to. Stick to you're program and keep coming back. We who love the addicts only want you to be well and happy.
David,

I read your post and literally felt what you must've felt when you read that letter! That's gotta hurt so much coming from your daughter! I don't want to imagine it for too long - trying to stay POSITIVE!

I think it's good that you keep that letter as a reminder, but I'd put it in a shoebox or something. I wouldn't want to carry that weight with me all day, it would slow me down... I think you need to forgive yourself for what you did. I think you need to do that right now. Go to a mirror and say it "I'm sorry.... I forgive you, and I love you." Do it when no one's watching though... ;-)

Remember what we were talking about yesterday? Move forward David! Let go of the past. Maybe you could write a letter to your daughter and tell her what you're willing to do for her. Not to make up for hurting her but just because you must love her so much! The pain you feel when you look at that letter is the sign that you are a good Dad! Now show her...

God Bless you!
JC