I Pray I never Forget.....
I hope and pray that I never forget the hell I went through. I read somewhere here someone saying that they forgot the shaking. I hope that I never forget standing there in the pharmacy shaking physically, shaking inside, oh and the anxiety!!! Thought I would die. Wanting to jump over the counter and fill the script myself cause they took to damn long. Hoping they wouldn't tell me it was "too soon"...oh those dreaded words a pharmacist would say. Having the runs and hoping that I didn't have to run to the bathroom before the script was filled. My mind racing a million miles a minute. Not think ing for one second what I was doing to myself or my family. The money I would spend was just ridiculous. The pharmacist asking me if I was ok. I would always say..oh I'm ok just a little sick..think I am getting the flu..LOL...I would get that knowing look. That was so horrible and yet I kept doing it day after day.
Selling my gold jewelry and anything else that wasnt nailed down if I had no money. And again shaking in the pawn shop while I was waiting for my money to buy more drugs. Then go to the dealer and buy them from him. Or go home and try and call drs and dealers trying to get more pills. Holding the whole family practically hostage so I could get my drugs. Pacing floors waiting. Feeling like I was completely losing my mind. All the while thinking what I was doing was so normal.
On days I was out and could not get any anywhere. Lock all the doors, don't answer the phone. Close the blinds so noone could look in. Laying in bed in the hell of w/d. Nothing else on my mind except..if I only had some damn pills I would be ok. Freezing and sweating at the same time. Feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest at any given moment. My poor kids would come ask me if I was ok and I would say oh mommy is just sick today....God I was sick ALOT!!! They knew. They just didn't say anything to me. Noone was going anywhere if I didn't have my damn pills.
When it got too bad I would drink to calm it down...oh that was a huge mistake. It only made me feel worse. So now on top of being in w/d I had a hangover as well. Now I would think ok...lets get some cocaine..that will do the trick...talk about insanity!!!!
Today I don't have to live like that anymore. Thank God. I read posts of those going through withdrawl and I remember all to well what they are saying. And then there are the ones who aren't ready yet. Still taking the pills and not really seeing anything abnormal about it. I know cause I thought it was normal to. It wasn't till I got off all the drugs and alcohol that I could see clearly how insane my life was. I am coming up on 90 days on the 14th of this month and I have fought for everyday I have. I had some time clean before but I always forgot. I forgot that hell I went through. I forgot the insanity. I forgot I was killing myself slowly each any every day and not giving a s*** about it or anyone but myself and my drugs. I thank God and the rooms of AA for saving my life today. Thanks for letting me share....boy I got longwinded here...LOL..sorry...have a great nite everyone....stay safe.
take care
gi
gina,
GREAT post, we all need this reminder. thanks for taking the time to share
terrianne
GREAT post, we all need this reminder. thanks for taking the time to share
terrianne
Gina, Wonderful, thought provoking. Let's both not forget the hell we went through. Take care.
Gina:
Boy, do I appreciate your post. The insanity of addiction knows no boundaries. I just got back from a meeting, a guy stood up as a newcomer who had seven years. I don't want to ever forget the Hell of drugs and alcohol and how cunning and baffling this disease is.
Rachel
NOTE: This is a very long post. To me, it's important - to everyone b/c I had already forgotten s'thing, more once I started typing, after close to 5 months of being clean.
Newcomers - I really hope you read this. I will sound like such a bad person for the stuff I did - I was when I was an active addict.
Dear Sweet Gina:
You just put into words so eloquently some memories that I am ashamed of and that I had already forgotten. Forgotton too soon, I don't ever want to forget .It is too scary and too important to forget and it hasn't even been 5 months.
For that, I thank you.
I want all of us to remember how horrible it was.
The words "this is 2 days early to be filled" still makes me sick to my stomach.
I thought those were the worse things the Pharmacist could say to me at the time. I knew - in 2 days I wouldn't be able to drive up there b/c I would be sick in bed so I would have to ask David to p'up for me - he always wanted the real "me" back so he would pick them up from the pharmacy but was never happy about it.
I know he thought I was choosing the pills over him - I hate to admit it, but I was at the time. Thank you God for him sticking around. He still tells me how pretty my hair is and how much healthier it looks without the pills. Like I said, 26 years haven't been perfect but most of them have been very good. I don't even want to go looking for anything else. These were to be our good, easy years and I was ruining them. Now it's just the regular stuff which I LOVE - I use to pray for a boring life.
There's nothing boring about being an addict.
Did anyone else play:
"I'm going out of town and need these filled early" when you weren't going anywhere - that worked a couple of times - the pharmacist said that he couldn't use my drug card - that I would have to pay full price - I was elated just to get them, not that I was spending more than $50 more.
I would usually call and ask these questions, I'm not a good liar. Sometimes the Pharmacist would say:
"Well, first I need to call your DR" Horror - I was already afraid with this addiction (one in my 40's) that the R-gist was already catching on b/c I did call his office a couple of times, too and ask for an early refill - always said no, couldn't do that. I would have to say to the Pharmacist, that's okay, I will just wait.
I had read about this kind of stuff in magazines One article, "Housewife Addicts" That was really the article name in the DR's office in an Arthritis Today magazine.
So, I never used the:
"I lost them" or "someone stole them"
I thought I was pretty creative - Denae - you did this as your career - I know now that I wasn't creative at all. I just didn't use the ones I read about. (if you read this, Denae, I bet you heard it all)
After the 1st time I got clean in my 30's, I felt I should "help everyone" as I had been helped in Rehab - the only reason I didn't start back then was b/c I thought all doctors knew I had been in Rehab so that bought me about 10 years of clean living. Then the DR who I had told that I had been addicted in my 30's and she put it on my file - very noticeable - I could see it every time she opened my file "NO LORTABS" on a yelloe sticky note. Then, maybe she thought it had been long enough , maybe 7-8 years, and called me in 120 w/refills. My husband had called for me and she called back, not her nurses, she is very conservative - my husband was home and asked her if he could bring me in for a knee injection.
I still had cartilage in my knee then and between surgeries, it broke off and floated around and got stuck betwen tendons and my knee would feel like it would explode 'til they scoped it - it's exploding now and the Ortho Surgeon said I had no cartilage left - just bone againt bone - next step - replacement. She told my husband that she would just call me s'thing in - well, that was it and stayed it for about 3 years so during my 30's and 40's - I will be 50 on the 8th, I was hooked big time for about 7 years total.
Anyway, wanting to save the world, I'm rying to work on that. After getting out of rehab in my 30's, I took the blame b/c after 7 months, I knew I was an addict but I had discussed this with the "Lortab Doctor" and he would say things like "I can't help it if yu don't take your meds like you should" or one time - said to me after I told him I was taking too many and I couldn't stop - he said, "I don't know what you're doing with the pain pills I give you, maybe you're selling them" That hurt. I said - I guess reflex - I wish I was and I would feel better - but I would never sell or give these to no one - would never put someone through this.
So, I wrote a letter to the SC board of Health of whoever they told me to send it to - hit on the biggest highlights, b/c that time I felt the DR and I shared the blame and I had really paid for my part in it. I kept it to one page - told of the other couple and husband who had come in with big problems with Lortabs. I just ask that they check into it and respond. They never did respond and he's still practicing.
I thought they would have him just writing prescriptions for penicillin, like they do with a couple of really old doctors here - the nurse gets the shots ready and the older DRs just inject.
I copied the "Lortab Doctor" - didn't want him to think I as doing it behind his back. Had he kept "real" records and they audited him at the very least, s'thing would have changed - so much for saving his patients. I'm not beyond standing in front of his door (and I'm really kind of shy, not a public speaker or anything) with a sign saying, this DR may kill you but I don't want to get arrested.
I know mistakes are made, I'm not that innocent but he gave a LOT of prescriptions - he was in the middle of a lawsuit where he gave a 15 year old boy an acne med and some other drug that was deadly and it killed this boy. I read about ths in the paper (he was being sued) while I was a patient of his. I never left his office w/o 4-8 precriptions. Usually get them all filled just b/c we had a cheap drug card. Back then only $2 a 'script - now still $10 - I even turn down the Ambien noe b/c they don't help and they give me Amnesia. If someone calls after I take one, I won't remember the call or the conversation 'til a couple of days later. I kno that's not good. I'm sure that's why they say to take it right before you go to bed but if one of my sons calls, I'm answering the phone. My 31 yr old likes to talk 'cause he's not a good sleeper either so I will remember a couple of days later that he asked for a recipe or s'thing and will just say "your crazy Mother just remembered" This is th son who will not even take a Tylenol for a headache - he was lie that before I was an addict, I don't know why so I wouldn't tell him that Ambien would give me amnesia. SECRETS and LIES -
that's what addiction is all about.
Then go through themedicine cbinet once a year and throw it all out. All I wanted wre the Lortabs and the Ambien he gave me. He did only give me 30 of those a month, have to say that about him.
I can't believe that I had already forgotten something. God, please don't let me forget how horrible all of this was and think I can one day "handle it" again like I thought with that bottle of 120 - I handled them a lot - they weregone within 2 weeks - the 1st bottle. Couldn't wait for that refill.
All of the time, the thinking, the counting - I hated the counting and I'm a numbers person.
If we ever get a chance, let's stick together and remind each other what it was like. the newcomers help bring some of it back but not all.
I can't believe (I guess i'm getting old enough not to be embarressed) but does anyone not remember the constipation of taking 15-25 pills a day - I would think I could picture them just lined up in my intestines. I thought that's why they didn't work, they couldn't get anywhere. One time I went 3 weeks - that sounds so dangerous now, that is impacted - isn't it? I was working at the time and talk about uncomfortable.
I'll stop, thank you Gina for bringing up stuff that I never want to forget. I say I'm scared to death of the Lortabs. I want to be scared of what was going on with me when I had to have them. I was a wreck and if a few or 10 pills finally got to where they wre going, I would feel so smart.
As I say, the older I get, I find the more I have to learn.
Love to all of you.
To the newcomers, I hope the week or less than a week will be worth what it's like now.
It's FREEDOM!
Anyone, if you think of any downsides and they are all downsides to drugs, pls remind all of us. I will thank you forever - like I say, I want to forget nothing. .
Also, if you can think of other things you did that you thought was really clever at the time - it mayhelp others so they know that we already know and we aren't the specialist - we are specialist addicts.
Jean
Newcomers - I really hope you read this. I will sound like such a bad person for the stuff I did - I was when I was an active addict.
Dear Sweet Gina:
You just put into words so eloquently some memories that I am ashamed of and that I had already forgotten. Forgotton too soon, I don't ever want to forget .It is too scary and too important to forget and it hasn't even been 5 months.
For that, I thank you.
I want all of us to remember how horrible it was.
The words "this is 2 days early to be filled" still makes me sick to my stomach.
I thought those were the worse things the Pharmacist could say to me at the time. I knew - in 2 days I wouldn't be able to drive up there b/c I would be sick in bed so I would have to ask David to p'up for me - he always wanted the real "me" back so he would pick them up from the pharmacy but was never happy about it.
I know he thought I was choosing the pills over him - I hate to admit it, but I was at the time. Thank you God for him sticking around. He still tells me how pretty my hair is and how much healthier it looks without the pills. Like I said, 26 years haven't been perfect but most of them have been very good. I don't even want to go looking for anything else. These were to be our good, easy years and I was ruining them. Now it's just the regular stuff which I LOVE - I use to pray for a boring life.
There's nothing boring about being an addict.
Did anyone else play:
"I'm going out of town and need these filled early" when you weren't going anywhere - that worked a couple of times - the pharmacist said that he couldn't use my drug card - that I would have to pay full price - I was elated just to get them, not that I was spending more than $50 more.
I would usually call and ask these questions, I'm not a good liar. Sometimes the Pharmacist would say:
"Well, first I need to call your DR" Horror - I was already afraid with this addiction (one in my 40's) that the R-gist was already catching on b/c I did call his office a couple of times, too and ask for an early refill - always said no, couldn't do that. I would have to say to the Pharmacist, that's okay, I will just wait.
I had read about this kind of stuff in magazines One article, "Housewife Addicts" That was really the article name in the DR's office in an Arthritis Today magazine.
So, I never used the:
"I lost them" or "someone stole them"
I thought I was pretty creative - Denae - you did this as your career - I know now that I wasn't creative at all. I just didn't use the ones I read about. (if you read this, Denae, I bet you heard it all)
After the 1st time I got clean in my 30's, I felt I should "help everyone" as I had been helped in Rehab - the only reason I didn't start back then was b/c I thought all doctors knew I had been in Rehab so that bought me about 10 years of clean living. Then the DR who I had told that I had been addicted in my 30's and she put it on my file - very noticeable - I could see it every time she opened my file "NO LORTABS" on a yelloe sticky note. Then, maybe she thought it had been long enough , maybe 7-8 years, and called me in 120 w/refills. My husband had called for me and she called back, not her nurses, she is very conservative - my husband was home and asked her if he could bring me in for a knee injection.
I still had cartilage in my knee then and between surgeries, it broke off and floated around and got stuck betwen tendons and my knee would feel like it would explode 'til they scoped it - it's exploding now and the Ortho Surgeon said I had no cartilage left - just bone againt bone - next step - replacement. She told my husband that she would just call me s'thing in - well, that was it and stayed it for about 3 years so during my 30's and 40's - I will be 50 on the 8th, I was hooked big time for about 7 years total.
Anyway, wanting to save the world, I'm rying to work on that. After getting out of rehab in my 30's, I took the blame b/c after 7 months, I knew I was an addict but I had discussed this with the "Lortab Doctor" and he would say things like "I can't help it if yu don't take your meds like you should" or one time - said to me after I told him I was taking too many and I couldn't stop - he said, "I don't know what you're doing with the pain pills I give you, maybe you're selling them" That hurt. I said - I guess reflex - I wish I was and I would feel better - but I would never sell or give these to no one - would never put someone through this.
So, I wrote a letter to the SC board of Health of whoever they told me to send it to - hit on the biggest highlights, b/c that time I felt the DR and I shared the blame and I had really paid for my part in it. I kept it to one page - told of the other couple and husband who had come in with big problems with Lortabs. I just ask that they check into it and respond. They never did respond and he's still practicing.
I thought they would have him just writing prescriptions for penicillin, like they do with a couple of really old doctors here - the nurse gets the shots ready and the older DRs just inject.
I copied the "Lortab Doctor" - didn't want him to think I as doing it behind his back. Had he kept "real" records and they audited him at the very least, s'thing would have changed - so much for saving his patients. I'm not beyond standing in front of his door (and I'm really kind of shy, not a public speaker or anything) with a sign saying, this DR may kill you but I don't want to get arrested.
I know mistakes are made, I'm not that innocent but he gave a LOT of prescriptions - he was in the middle of a lawsuit where he gave a 15 year old boy an acne med and some other drug that was deadly and it killed this boy. I read about ths in the paper (he was being sued) while I was a patient of his. I never left his office w/o 4-8 precriptions. Usually get them all filled just b/c we had a cheap drug card. Back then only $2 a 'script - now still $10 - I even turn down the Ambien noe b/c they don't help and they give me Amnesia. If someone calls after I take one, I won't remember the call or the conversation 'til a couple of days later. I kno that's not good. I'm sure that's why they say to take it right before you go to bed but if one of my sons calls, I'm answering the phone. My 31 yr old likes to talk 'cause he's not a good sleeper either so I will remember a couple of days later that he asked for a recipe or s'thing and will just say "your crazy Mother just remembered" This is th son who will not even take a Tylenol for a headache - he was lie that before I was an addict, I don't know why so I wouldn't tell him that Ambien would give me amnesia. SECRETS and LIES -
that's what addiction is all about.
Then go through themedicine cbinet once a year and throw it all out. All I wanted wre the Lortabs and the Ambien he gave me. He did only give me 30 of those a month, have to say that about him.
I can't believe that I had already forgotten something. God, please don't let me forget how horrible all of this was and think I can one day "handle it" again like I thought with that bottle of 120 - I handled them a lot - they weregone within 2 weeks - the 1st bottle. Couldn't wait for that refill.
All of the time, the thinking, the counting - I hated the counting and I'm a numbers person.
If we ever get a chance, let's stick together and remind each other what it was like. the newcomers help bring some of it back but not all.
I can't believe (I guess i'm getting old enough not to be embarressed) but does anyone not remember the constipation of taking 15-25 pills a day - I would think I could picture them just lined up in my intestines. I thought that's why they didn't work, they couldn't get anywhere. One time I went 3 weeks - that sounds so dangerous now, that is impacted - isn't it? I was working at the time and talk about uncomfortable.
I'll stop, thank you Gina for bringing up stuff that I never want to forget. I say I'm scared to death of the Lortabs. I want to be scared of what was going on with me when I had to have them. I was a wreck and if a few or 10 pills finally got to where they wre going, I would feel so smart.
As I say, the older I get, I find the more I have to learn.
Love to all of you.
To the newcomers, I hope the week or less than a week will be worth what it's like now.
It's FREEDOM!
Anyone, if you think of any downsides and they are all downsides to drugs, pls remind all of us. I will thank you forever - like I say, I want to forget nothing. .
Also, if you can think of other things you did that you thought was really clever at the time - it mayhelp others so they know that we already know and we aren't the specialist - we are specialist addicts.
Jean
Gina
First off its really nice to see you posting. I've missed you. I miss your wonderful sense of humor. I miss you kindness. I haven't forgot that night you tried to walk me through signing up. Most anyone else would have said you stupid a**hole, don't you know how to work a computer. But you didn't. You are filled with love, kindness, and are a sweet, caring person.
I'm so happy that things are going well for you. Just keep it up cause you know it only gets better. I can remember some of the things you described and I thank God every night for helping me get to where I am now.
Take care Gina
Love ya
Frank
Dear Frank,
As I was reading your post to me , I began to cry. That is no small thing to me..lol As I haven't been able to this time since I got clean. I have always hidden that emotion deep down inside me. My sponsor told me it would come, I just didn't think it would happen from a post here. I am glad it didnt happen at a meeting though ..lol....so I thank you Frank...you have helped me a great deal tonite. You are so sweet and thanks for the kind words to me. I can't explain how I feel at the moment but its a good thing....I love ya my friend...
Thanks everyone for the posts....
God bless,
gi
As I was reading your post to me , I began to cry. That is no small thing to me..lol As I haven't been able to this time since I got clean. I have always hidden that emotion deep down inside me. My sponsor told me it would come, I just didn't think it would happen from a post here. I am glad it didnt happen at a meeting though ..lol....so I thank you Frank...you have helped me a great deal tonite. You are so sweet and thanks for the kind words to me. I can't explain how I feel at the moment but its a good thing....I love ya my friend...
Thanks everyone for the posts....
God bless,
gi
Well Gina
You just helped me more than you'll ever know. I had a couple of rough days but after reading your reply, I'm feeling pretty good. Actually you just proved that everything I said about you is right on.
I love ya two my friend
Frank
Gina...thank you for the reminder..yes, everything you said, I remember all too well. Gave me shivers. I agree with Rachel
That was the anti-trigger.
Hi Frank...so glad you figured out that computer....and you know why.
Sugar Britches..
That was the anti-trigger.
Hi Frank...so glad you figured out that computer....and you know why.
Sugar Britches..
Hi Lisa, Nice to see you.
I read this everyday now and it helps me alot. I would always act first and think later. Most of the time got me in trouble. I am trying to do things differently this time. Doing what is suggested...who would of thought...LOL
gi
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CURBING RASHNESS
When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be
fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91
Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must
work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be
loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom
I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech
when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the
emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone
else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories
are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me.
Copyright 1990 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS WORLD SERVICES, INC.
I read this everyday now and it helps me alot. I would always act first and think later. Most of the time got me in trouble. I am trying to do things differently this time. Doing what is suggested...who would of thought...LOL
gi
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CURBING RASHNESS
When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be
fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91
Being fair-minded and tolerant is a goal toward which I must
work daily. I ask God, as I understand Him, to help me to be
loving and tolerant to my loved ones, and to those with whom
I am in close contact. I ask for guidance to curb my speech
when I am agitated, and I take a moment to reflect on the
emotional upheaval my words may cause, not only to someone
else, but also to myself. Prayer, meditation and inventories
are the key to sound thinking and positive action for me.
Copyright 1990 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS WORLD SERVICES, INC.
I should have that tatooed to my forehead.
Have a good night Gina.
Lisa
Have a good night Gina.
Lisa
Gina:
You are one of, if not the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I hope to meet you one day.
I would love for you to be my therapist. Degree or not, you have that "gift"
You could write a book and it would be a best seller. (maybe you could write "my book" that we have discussed, I trust you completely)
Your words speak to all, the smartest of the smart and the ones who may have a hard time learning.
I hope and pray you know how important you are not ust to me and this board but to everyone who just comes into contact with you.
I have read your post over and over and now copied it. I promise I won't forget. Thanks to you, many won't because of your words in this post.
You have the "gift" of words.
Be proud.
Love you, my sincere friend,
Jean
You are one of, if not the strongest women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I hope to meet you one day.
I would love for you to be my therapist. Degree or not, you have that "gift"
You could write a book and it would be a best seller. (maybe you could write "my book" that we have discussed, I trust you completely)
Your words speak to all, the smartest of the smart and the ones who may have a hard time learning.
I hope and pray you know how important you are not ust to me and this board but to everyone who just comes into contact with you.
I have read your post over and over and now copied it. I promise I won't forget. Thanks to you, many won't because of your words in this post.
You have the "gift" of words.
Be proud.
Love you, my sincere friend,
Jean
Gina,
It breaks my heart to read post like yours but I know the reality of it all too well. The really spooky thing is that I did the same thing only in degrees... I was the smart one and called in my own scripts....lol.. yeah the smart one... but I digress... the pain of w/d and the memories of not only that agony but remembering the lengths and depths that our disease took us is soo important in our recovery... esp when we realize that 1. we are not unique but that those experiences are often the ties that bind us in our experiences... and 2. that that live and misery is just waiting to welcome us back should we pick up again and it is really just that simple...
I am glad to see your post and I am so very grateful to watch your progress .... not to mention to call you my friend.... I am proud that you let me walk this walk with you....
Love
Teresa
It breaks my heart to read post like yours but I know the reality of it all too well. The really spooky thing is that I did the same thing only in degrees... I was the smart one and called in my own scripts....lol.. yeah the smart one... but I digress... the pain of w/d and the memories of not only that agony but remembering the lengths and depths that our disease took us is soo important in our recovery... esp when we realize that 1. we are not unique but that those experiences are often the ties that bind us in our experiences... and 2. that that live and misery is just waiting to welcome us back should we pick up again and it is really just that simple...
I am glad to see your post and I am so very grateful to watch your progress .... not to mention to call you my friend.... I am proud that you let me walk this walk with you....
Love
Teresa
Thanks guys.
Teresa,
What prompted me to post this originally was a post I was reading from someone about how they are taking pills and drinking, etc. And my first thought was ...hmm oh wow how I remember. I cannot afford to forget ever. I still hear the words from this guy I met at a meeting not too long ago. He had been around the rooms for years in and out. He was very well liked but could never get it. The last words he said to me before he died I will never forget. There was a girl sharing about how she always forgets where she came from and then she always relapses. He looked straight across the table at me and said " Don't ever forget". It sent chills up my spine. 2 days later I heard he had OD'd. That was so sad but I will never forget his words. When I think of using which I haven't had to much of recently Thank God it is his words that come to mind first.
Anyway, I used to think I was so unique, I wasn't like these other people. I hadn't lost my home or my family,etc. I always looked for the differences. Now I look for the similarities. I have you to thank for getting me to go back to meetings. I didn't want to go. My life was a mess and so was I. I didn't want to own up to relapsing. When I told you, you were right there for me. Kicked my butt on the phone and helped me realize that I needed to go back to meetings. I remember telling you that I just wanted to die. That I had never thought of suicide before. I used to get the "I wish I wouldnt wake up but to afraid to take my own life". But this time I wasn't so afraid to do that. You have helped me more than you'll ever know.And you continue to do so. I know when I want the truth I will get that from you, even if I dont like it.. LOLOL....You have such a huge heart...you and I are alot alike in many ways....ok now I am getting sappy....LOLOL...you know I love ya my dear friend.
love,
gi
Teresa,
What prompted me to post this originally was a post I was reading from someone about how they are taking pills and drinking, etc. And my first thought was ...hmm oh wow how I remember. I cannot afford to forget ever. I still hear the words from this guy I met at a meeting not too long ago. He had been around the rooms for years in and out. He was very well liked but could never get it. The last words he said to me before he died I will never forget. There was a girl sharing about how she always forgets where she came from and then she always relapses. He looked straight across the table at me and said " Don't ever forget". It sent chills up my spine. 2 days later I heard he had OD'd. That was so sad but I will never forget his words. When I think of using which I haven't had to much of recently Thank God it is his words that come to mind first.
Anyway, I used to think I was so unique, I wasn't like these other people. I hadn't lost my home or my family,etc. I always looked for the differences. Now I look for the similarities. I have you to thank for getting me to go back to meetings. I didn't want to go. My life was a mess and so was I. I didn't want to own up to relapsing. When I told you, you were right there for me. Kicked my butt on the phone and helped me realize that I needed to go back to meetings. I remember telling you that I just wanted to die. That I had never thought of suicide before. I used to get the "I wish I wouldnt wake up but to afraid to take my own life". But this time I wasn't so afraid to do that. You have helped me more than you'll ever know.And you continue to do so. I know when I want the truth I will get that from you, even if I dont like it.. LOLOL....You have such a huge heart...you and I are alot alike in many ways....ok now I am getting sappy....LOLOL...you know I love ya my dear friend.
love,
gi
gina,
sorry I just read your post.. I have been sooo busy and my crap has really be getting the better of me... but sometimes we really do have to go one hour at a time..... your post help me as well and I think that you know that .... life isnt easy and having this darn disease doesnt help matters but having good friends and people in my life that love and me and support me really does make the difference... thank you for the nice post and know that we help each other and that is what it is alll about... however that is just part of the puzzle.. face to face and those hugs.... what a blessing...
Hope today finds you well and happy... say a little prayer for those less fortunate and still suffering...
God bless you my friend....
Teresa
sorry I just read your post.. I have been sooo busy and my crap has really be getting the better of me... but sometimes we really do have to go one hour at a time..... your post help me as well and I think that you know that .... life isnt easy and having this darn disease doesnt help matters but having good friends and people in my life that love and me and support me really does make the difference... thank you for the nice post and know that we help each other and that is what it is alll about... however that is just part of the puzzle.. face to face and those hugs.... what a blessing...
Hope today finds you well and happy... say a little prayer for those less fortunate and still suffering...
God bless you my friend....
Teresa
Gina
Thank you for your post, today is a day I never want to forget, was just released from the hospitol, went to ER On Sunday
They ran every test in the book, while they found a lot wrong, it's all manageable.
My fear was so incredibly strong that my liver was shot, I Was convinced that was causing severe edema
Well, my liver is OK.........I don't want to ever foget that fear of thinking all my years of the insane ways I Got my pills, I Did & felt just like you everytime I went to get them.......and ultimitly, until this morning, thought I was going to pay with my life.........Your words were very thought provoking & appriciated,
You offer so much to this board, as does Bob. Please, both of you keep posting I Learn so much from you both, We need you
Love Dottie
Thank you for your post, today is a day I never want to forget, was just released from the hospitol, went to ER On Sunday
They ran every test in the book, while they found a lot wrong, it's all manageable.
My fear was so incredibly strong that my liver was shot, I Was convinced that was causing severe edema
Well, my liver is OK.........I don't want to ever foget that fear of thinking all my years of the insane ways I Got my pills, I Did & felt just like you everytime I went to get them.......and ultimitly, until this morning, thought I was going to pay with my life.........Your words were very thought provoking & appriciated,
You offer so much to this board, as does Bob. Please, both of you keep posting I Learn so much from you both, We need you
Love Dottie
Hi Gina:
For me the beginner is most important. That is why my favorite meeting is at an alumni meeting where for 90 minutes I am surrounded by newcomers.
The people going through W/D wear a band and the pain you see is very powerful.
Also the counselor who runs the group is whacked out of his mind. Very entertaining as well as educational.
Good Stuff.
Nice post--Jeff
For me the beginner is most important. That is why my favorite meeting is at an alumni meeting where for 90 minutes I am surrounded by newcomers.
The people going through W/D wear a band and the pain you see is very powerful.
Also the counselor who runs the group is whacked out of his mind. Very entertaining as well as educational.
Good Stuff.
Nice post--Jeff
I had a dr like that also. He shouldn't be practicing. He still is, though, and he didn't leave the island. He is a liar, as well. Another one of his patients just went off to Betty Ford...and left. Oxycontin withdrawl is damn painful, especially with Fenytl patches.
Anway, thanks for the post, Gina. I don't ever want to forget that; thanks for the reminder. I am damn greatful that I am not drunk today, and running out of vicoden, waiting to get sick. I always knew the crazies were gona start when I started sneezing...then the real sickness would start.
Kerry
Anway, thanks for the post, Gina. I don't ever want to forget that; thanks for the reminder. I am damn greatful that I am not drunk today, and running out of vicoden, waiting to get sick. I always knew the crazies were gona start when I started sneezing...then the real sickness would start.
Kerry
Gina,
Great post and all too familiar. I am only on day 4 and am well enough to go to work but barely. I have had numerous surgeries on my ankle and am due for one again in three weeks. I have been taking high does of hydrocodone for a long period of time. I am no longer in pain from my surgeries but the wd pain I am feeling now is worse that the surgeries. I really want to get clean. I know I can get more but can't stand the way I feel everytime I run out or even get low. I have been reading various posts for the last few days and thought I'd finally join in. I don't really know what I expect from these posts but it has been helpful to drag my a** out of bed the last few days and read other peoples posts to help me to know I am not alone. I just can't stand to put my family through my misery any more so I am determined to clean up.
Shelby
Great post and all too familiar. I am only on day 4 and am well enough to go to work but barely. I have had numerous surgeries on my ankle and am due for one again in three weeks. I have been taking high does of hydrocodone for a long period of time. I am no longer in pain from my surgeries but the wd pain I am feeling now is worse that the surgeries. I really want to get clean. I know I can get more but can't stand the way I feel everytime I run out or even get low. I have been reading various posts for the last few days and thought I'd finally join in. I don't really know what I expect from these posts but it has been helpful to drag my a** out of bed the last few days and read other peoples posts to help me to know I am not alone. I just can't stand to put my family through my misery any more so I am determined to clean up.
Shelby
