Ok so here goes I keep saying to myself should I post this or should or should I just keep it myself, but I really so want to be clean this time so I am going to get it out no matter how I look. This past weekend I took a few tylenol #3, my husband was cleaning out his luggage (shaving kit) and had an old bottle from a tooth ache in like 1995. I did not even know he had them as I am sure I would have taken them all when I was in active addiction. Anyway, I felt like crap don't even know why I did it really!!!! I don't even normally take them they give me an allergic reaction, so for the rest of the night I itched like crazy and had nausea, my mom also takes them but I have have not taken hers since I quit. There it is!!! The next day I flushed the rest and wanted to kick myself I mean what the hell its is like eating food you hate just to eat it. They were never my DOC and I even had to go to the ER once because of the reaction. I hate that my mind works this way. I want to say that this is it for me I don't ever want to feel like that again and I won't ever take them again, but I know that is crazy. I will take one day at a time that is all I can do. Today is day 28 I would have made it to the day you change a habit now I will start all over, I guess the good thing is I flushed them where before when I would relapse I would take everything I had and then months later or even years later say I'll start recovery again, Yes I know I am trying like crazy to find the silver lining here. I write this to remind me not to screw up to remember the feelings of w/ds and the emotional triumphs and pitfalls so too do I want to remember and be honest when I screw up. I am sorry to myself for letting myself down, but all I can do is go on from here
Roxy
Good example of why we can't have pills in the house or be around them in other people's homes. Roxy, what are you doing to stay clean? What are you doing for your emotional health?
roxy,
Have you given any thought to 12-step programs??
I remember being on the roller coaster of using and detox for a while ....
I remember the feelings of guilt, disgust, and mental torture .....
always wondering why I just did not have the willpower to stay away from pills .... I honestly thought that I was just weak.
I finally surrendered and sought the help so many on this board talk about ..... I will NEVER regret it!!!!
(Sometimes I regret not doing it SOONER, but then I remind myself that it was my time then and not before ... )
Now be proud that you ended it quickly, came here to tell on yourself, and are trying again!! Never give up!!!
Hey guys I realize that a program or therapy is probably the right thing to do but as I have said before I am not ready to do that, my family is dealing with too much as it is what with Mom being sick, Am I stressed trying to hold everything together and everyone together helll yea am I depressed slightly not overly so. Yes you guys have gone that route when you tried my route for so long I am sorry it is just not for me. I am still doing my online journal and really push myself to keep on the right track with honesty even when I really don't want to be.
I try to come here daily just to see the struggles and triumphs of others, For now that is all I am capable of.. Hope you will hang in there with me
Roxy
I try to come here daily just to see the struggles and triumphs of others, For now that is all I am capable of.. Hope you will hang in there with me
Roxy
Roxy! I wish you all the best! There is way more to recovery than just stopping putting pills in your mouth. You have to put yourself first above all. Its sounds selfish but its your life! Until you are ready to do that...relapse is always knocking at your door. I know this because I have lived it. So have many others. Your mom and kids and husband will be so much better off once you heal emotionally and physically!
Sorry about your slip...that is exactly what I am talking about. I know you are tying and that's what counts. You have to go to any means possible to get and remain clean. Recovery is a journey not a destination!
Hope you feel better today and forget about guilt, its a useless emotion!
Sorry about your slip...that is exactly what I am talking about. I know you are tying and that's what counts. You have to go to any means possible to get and remain clean. Recovery is a journey not a destination!
Hope you feel better today and forget about guilt, its a useless emotion!
Roxy quotes
How do you know if you don't try it?
This is not something that magically disappears.Even being in the program,going to therapy and doing the footwork I need to,I can have some rough times and do.
Without that support I know I would pick up.I'm an addict.I don't feel guilty when the thought of using seems like an option.It's emblazoned in my thought patterns.How could it not be?
However,the support of fellow addicts,a b**** of a sponsor and F2F interaction gives me the tools to get out of those situations.
Also,the minute you dose yourself with an opiate,the insanity returns.Your brain is hijacked and when those Tylenol #3 start leaving your body,the party gets real nasty.
Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
| QUOTE |
| I am sorry it is just not for me |
How do you know if you don't try it?
This is not something that magically disappears.Even being in the program,going to therapy and doing the footwork I need to,I can have some rough times and do.
Without that support I know I would pick up.I'm an addict.I don't feel guilty when the thought of using seems like an option.It's emblazoned in my thought patterns.How could it not be?
However,the support of fellow addicts,a b**** of a sponsor and F2F interaction gives me the tools to get out of those situations.
Also,the minute you dose yourself with an opiate,the insanity returns.Your brain is hijacked and when those Tylenol #3 start leaving your body,the party gets real nasty.
Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.
Roxy....if this means anything...it took me 2 years before I felt I was ready for therapy.I did try a couple meetings as far as a 12 step program...but I just didnt FEEL it.Now my private therapy has helped so much.
Keep in mind this will be a life long battle.Stopping the pills as hard as it is is the easy part.LEARNING to live without them thats the Rub hun.
All you can do is KEEP TRYING & I pray someday you do the therapy thing ...which ever way feels right for you.
The more you learn about yourself the stronger you are to face the battle at hand.
JUST PLEASE KEEP TRYING,I feel your so worth it
molly
Keep in mind this will be a life long battle.Stopping the pills as hard as it is is the easy part.LEARNING to live without them thats the Rub hun.
All you can do is KEEP TRYING & I pray someday you do the therapy thing ...which ever way feels right for you.
The more you learn about yourself the stronger you are to face the battle at hand.
JUST PLEASE KEEP TRYING,I feel your so worth it
molly
Roxy
I see it like this... and I'm not trying to be mean whatsoever, I just want to try my best to get this point across to you.
It's obvious you want to stop this cycle, but you have tried it your way. It is time to try a different way.
Why not take the advice your given instead of discarding it without truly giving it some thought? You could really end up saving Years of your life just from hearing how others got through what you are struggling with.
Just a thought.
Good luck
Stac
I see it like this... and I'm not trying to be mean whatsoever, I just want to try my best to get this point across to you.
It's obvious you want to stop this cycle, but you have tried it your way. It is time to try a different way.
Why not take the advice your given instead of discarding it without truly giving it some thought? You could really end up saving Years of your life just from hearing how others got through what you are struggling with.
Just a thought.
Good luck
Stac
| QUOTE |
| don't even know why I did it really!!!! |
That's why therapy or meetings is so important -- to help you figure this stuff out. Recovery happens in the space between two (or more) people. You can't do this on your own, nor should you have to. This board is not enough -- we all need F2F support. I know I would be sunk without my therapist.
Give meetings a try or find a counselor. What have you got to lose?
Love,
Gina
Bottom line Roxy..your way doesn't work. You've proved that time and time again. Keep it simple darlin, try a meeting, find a counselor, so something different. Period. We'll always be here and be here for you, but it's not enough. People can not do it alone. It's just not possible. You have to get face to face support. And like Tim said, how do you know unless you try it?
