In the time since I was a teenager, there have been so many instances where I have thought to myself, I think I have a drinking problem, that I can honestly say I have lost count. Id say the first time this thought crossed my mind was in college when I woke up with my boyfriend in my own bed, remembering nothing past 9 pm from the previous night besides flashing images of being on a couch in a frat house with a guy on top of me (who wasnt my boyfriend) and asking him please, please stop trying to kiss me. Ill never know what happened after that moment, except that my boyfriend had to come to the house, pick me up off of the curb out front, and drive me home. What happened in the earlier hours of that night obviously involved a lot of beer and vodka swigged straight from the bottle.
Waking up and having to tell my boyfriend what had happened was so traumatizing (though these "confessions" were not uncommon at this point) that I vowed never to drink alcohol again. This was the first time I had even attempted this task. I was 19 at the time and the thought of quitting drinking never once crossed my mind since I began drinking heavily (blacking out regularly) at age 15. I succeeded, but only for a month, because once I decided I wanted to start drinking again, I also decided to internalize the phrase so often heard: "Everyone in college is an alcoholic! It's the only time you're allowed to be!" There's always an excuse.
On the other hand, the most recent time I confirmed to myself that I had a drinking problem was last Friday night when I knew I was going to be home alone for the night. I had my mind set on that bottle of wine after work, even thought I had decided (for the millionth time) to quit drinking only 4 days earlier. I got so anxious and panicky when the rain and traffic on the highway prolonged the time it was taking me to get to the liquor store, my heart started racing and my legs started shaking. When I finally got home, I shut the door, threw everything on the floor, and opened the bottle before even turning the lights on. More than relieving, this made me feel very sad, discouraged and weak. Even so, I drank the next night at a wedding to the point of blacking out, falling off the bed, and lashing out at the person I love the most. This pattern has gotten so old and tiring that I have begun to lose faith in myself and my own strength.
They say your emotional maturity and growth is stunted at the age you begin this heavy drinking, and I can see why. Since the first time I blacked out drinking in tenth grade (with the exception of a few short-lived attempts to quit) there has been no need to feel any uncomfortable or anxious feelings for too long. In high school, I didn't understand why I was the only one bringing water bottles of vodka to class or drinking on school nights. I thought everyone else was missing out on some great secret. All I had to do was buy, find, or steal a bottle of any kind of alcohol I could get my hands on and any self-consciousness, worry, sensitivity, depression, or anxiety was gone just like that... But this always only lasts for the moment. Because after those first couple of drinks (and in my case there is always more than a couple), the thoughts and feelings I am trying to push away take over. This fact alone has single handedly ruined countless nights out, nights in, holidays, tailgates, parties, weddings, and so, so much more, not only for myself but the people around me, often the people I love and care about most.
I have just turned 23. The fact that to most people I am still so young is one of the reasons I have found it hard to quit. I tell myself its a phase Ill grow out of, but I know if I keep it up at this rate, it will only get worse. The amount of self respect and respect from others I have lost throughout all of these years is something I've realized I block from my mind, because the thought is too hard to even bear. But if I want to quit, I have to face this. I have to face my feelings and the real world around me, no matter how unbearable it seems. I guess what I need right now is support. Pardon the cliche, but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Hi Ann. I KNEW at the age of 19 that I did not drink normally and I knew in my heart that something was not right . I would be 53 before I sobered up. I have been sober now for 7 years. I have regrets of not getting help back when I was younger. Life would have been so different for me and my kids. you are worth saving..
