I used to walk with my head held high
Now all I do is sit and cry
I used to be full of confidence and hope
But that was before prescription dope
At his point in my life I have nothing but regret
What I would give if I could just forget
There were times past that I would stumble and fall
But wasting this precious gift of Life is the biggest sin of all
Now I walk with my head hung low
Fearful of how the rest of my life will go
If I don't somehow let go of the past
I'm not sure how much longer I'll last
Because of what I've done with my life I feel no one wants in it
But some say it is not how you start but how you will finish
My mom and dad were once so proud of the first born son
But my dad passed away last year without being able to tell me "job well done"
Every night I go outside and look up in the sky
Hoping one day my dad will once again see my head held high
But if I don't somehow find the strength to let go of the past and the pills
All he will see is his son rolling down hill
So God I ask you if there is enough of me left to save
Please give me courage to be strong and brave
I am a good and decent compassionate man
I just can't give myself a helping hand
Father and dad if your listening help me stop the madness.
Such talent.....so sad and deeply felt....tears.....
I hope you are either trying to get clean or working your recovery.....you are so special and so worth it....
Jan
I hope you are either trying to get clean or working your recovery.....you are so special and so worth it....
Jan
That is very sad, JW. I remember all of your posts when you joined. Have you thought anymore about switching to sub?
Take care and hold your head up high...it's not over til it's over.
Are you getting any type of support? Therapy or meetings?
Take care and hold your head up high...it's not over til it's over.
Are you getting any type of support? Therapy or meetings?
JW - werent you going to be getting sub once your doctor took the course? Was that someone else? Have you considered sub and meetings? Remember, God helps those who help themselves. Dont expect this to be a one sided deal...........
Thanks for your thoughts. My family doctor takes her 8 hour course to get her DATA2000 Waiver in August but not sure what day of the month. I am on 360mgs of methadone per day and have been for a long time. There is a clinic in Florida that I spoke with on the phone last Fall. For people on methadone they switch them over to oxycodone for a five day period. It takes quite a bit of oxy to keep your fairly comfortable for those five days. You take your last oxy on day five and then the next day they switch to sub.
I spoke to a guy on the phone from Michigan that had been that route. He was on 400mgs of methadone a day. He had been on methadone for ten years. His use paralleled mine. The only difference was he said he nodded all the time. I wish I could just get a little sleepy. I have never nodded on methadone even at 400mgs. They gave him oxycontin 80mgs for five days. He said it took about 10 of those a day to stay not great, but ok. He was then switched to Sub. I think he said it took about 32mgs a day at first. He stayed on Sub for about 7 weeks weening during that period. When I spoke to him he had been off of everything for 2 months and he sounded great. The clinic called him and ask him if they could give me his number. My fear that he would really promote the clinic more than the process was put to rest when the last thing he told me was that, if I could, he would recommend doing this through a family doctor. Well I spoke to my doctor about this and I was informed on one of my later visits that she was going to get certified in August. She might have more patients like me because even with the 30 patient load she could put on Sub she is not taking any new patients at all. This is the best chance I have of getting off of this horrible methadone.
I spoke to a guy on the phone from Michigan that had been that route. He was on 400mgs of methadone a day. He had been on methadone for ten years. His use paralleled mine. The only difference was he said he nodded all the time. I wish I could just get a little sleepy. I have never nodded on methadone even at 400mgs. They gave him oxycontin 80mgs for five days. He said it took about 10 of those a day to stay not great, but ok. He was then switched to Sub. I think he said it took about 32mgs a day at first. He stayed on Sub for about 7 weeks weening during that period. When I spoke to him he had been off of everything for 2 months and he sounded great. The clinic called him and ask him if they could give me his number. My fear that he would really promote the clinic more than the process was put to rest when the last thing he told me was that, if I could, he would recommend doing this through a family doctor. Well I spoke to my doctor about this and I was informed on one of my later visits that she was going to get certified in August. She might have more patients like me because even with the 30 patient load she could put on Sub she is not taking any new patients at all. This is the best chance I have of getting off of this horrible methadone.
See, there is a solution.
How about meetings?
How about meetings?
Before I got on methadone I went to meetings. Since I have been on methadone I have not had the desire to go to meetings or church or anything of the sort. I have felt like an addict in relapse since being on methadone for ten years. I speak only for me when I say that methadone has not been recovery. It has been what it is replacement therapy. I went from an opiate that I was getting my butt in a ringer trying to get every day to an opiate that was available every day. The methadone doesn't make me high but neither did my DOC. It has all been about the cravings and the withdrawal. Well 10 years of methadone and my a** is kicked. I am really, really tired.
I really do apologize for all the doom and gloom that spills out of my post at times. But my emoitions and thoughts course through my fingers. I do hope one day that I can offer people strength and hope based on how my story plays out in the not to distant future. All the tx centers I have been to and all the AA and NA meetings I chaired and reading the BIG BOOK and the NA Book has given me the ability to talk the talk. But I feel unless I am walking the walk I have no right to advise people about recovery. I can sure tell them how bad it gets if you stop and think that this disease is not patient and just waiting for you to injest your DOC again. There is no starting over. The disease grows even without the drug use. The use is just one part of it. So, hopefully starting in August I can keep a diary of sorts to log my journey through what I think will be the hardest thing I have ever done. But my sanity depends on it. I have an opiate induced depression and that is something until recently I have never had to deal with. It seems to have came over me all at once even after 20 years of opiate use.
I do thank all of you for your concern and I do want to give back. One cliche' that has stuck with me since my first tx program in 1987 and that is "we can only keep what we have by giving it away"
I do thank all of you for your concern and I do want to give back. One cliche' that has stuck with me since my first tx program in 1987 and that is "we can only keep what we have by giving it away"
JW
In case you don't know it.........You are helping people, just with your honesty
I hear your pain, but I also hear the lessons you are teaching.....Please don't think that just because your on Methadone you have no voice!!!
There will be new people who come on the board who might be contemplating Methadone & after reading what it's done to you will change there mind.
Don't underestimate yourself, we can all learn from you........I am,
It doesn't matter how many detoxes youv'e been in, the best counsler I ever had, went through 51 detox centers.
You can't possibly know how a good book end's if you don't read the last chapter...........Keep reading & kep posting Please!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, The courage to change the things I CAN
and the wisdom, to know the difference
Hug's Dottie
In case you don't know it.........You are helping people, just with your honesty
I hear your pain, but I also hear the lessons you are teaching.....Please don't think that just because your on Methadone you have no voice!!!
There will be new people who come on the board who might be contemplating Methadone & after reading what it's done to you will change there mind.
Don't underestimate yourself, we can all learn from you........I am,
It doesn't matter how many detoxes youv'e been in, the best counsler I ever had, went through 51 detox centers.
You can't possibly know how a good book end's if you don't read the last chapter...........Keep reading & kep posting Please!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, The courage to change the things I CAN
and the wisdom, to know the difference
Hug's Dottie
JW...
My thoughts and prayers are with you...YOU ARE SOOO WORTH IT!
My thoughts and prayers are with you...YOU ARE SOOO WORTH IT!
You can see what you need to do and I believe you know the steps to take to free yourself...Best of luck..Please do NOT feel like a failure...we all share this awful disease and we help one another to overcome our demons..I have some seious low self-esteem right now also...went back on oxy due to pain and now I wish I didn't...I am trying my best to taper and it ain't easy...believe in yourself!!!!!Love, Sharonn
jw,
You are a smart, sensible person. This may be the most difficult challenge you will ever face, but can you imagine the empowerment you will feel if you conquer it??? Your life will change dramatically.
I'm no doctor, but I cannot help but to think the methadone to oxy to sub may be a real possibility. Do you have a good relationship with your family doctor? I am trying to put myself in your shoes. If it were me, and my doctor was willing to assist, I would give it a try.
I know it's hard, but try to gather all of your inner strength and go for it. Your doom and gloom is the methadone talking. Your real voice, your true self, IS still in there. It's just all of that methadone is holding it hostage.
Not to be nosey, but what is your financial situation like? Can you take the time off needed for the process? Have insurance or a doctor willing to accept what you can give? What part of the country do you live in? You don't have to answer if you do not want to.
If I can do anything to help you, just ask. Start a thread with my name and I will find it. I have an excellent personal relationship with my sub doctor who has just moved away, but we talk on the phone and email and I am assisting her with a business situation. I would gladly ask her any questions you may have. I'm dead serious..if I can help at all, I will.
Don't give up, whatever you do, okay?
With care and concern,
Atlas
You are a smart, sensible person. This may be the most difficult challenge you will ever face, but can you imagine the empowerment you will feel if you conquer it??? Your life will change dramatically.
I'm no doctor, but I cannot help but to think the methadone to oxy to sub may be a real possibility. Do you have a good relationship with your family doctor? I am trying to put myself in your shoes. If it were me, and my doctor was willing to assist, I would give it a try.
I know it's hard, but try to gather all of your inner strength and go for it. Your doom and gloom is the methadone talking. Your real voice, your true self, IS still in there. It's just all of that methadone is holding it hostage.
Not to be nosey, but what is your financial situation like? Can you take the time off needed for the process? Have insurance or a doctor willing to accept what you can give? What part of the country do you live in? You don't have to answer if you do not want to.
If I can do anything to help you, just ask. Start a thread with my name and I will find it. I have an excellent personal relationship with my sub doctor who has just moved away, but we talk on the phone and email and I am assisting her with a business situation. I would gladly ask her any questions you may have. I'm dead serious..if I can help at all, I will.
Don't give up, whatever you do, okay?
With care and concern,
Atlas
Sometimes gloom and doom is just where we are at. And it is better to let it out here than to keep it in...
Just wanted to say that.
Peace
Just wanted to say that.
Peace
JW,
You are a well written person with a lot to offer this board, and I, am sure like many others, have benefited from your story. I was so touched that you took the time to tell me about you and your situation. Keep posting, no matter how bad or good you may feel. I know that sometimes it is impossible to believe that there will be better days, believe me I know. Being here and being able to read positive posts from others who suffer from addiction is a reminder that no matter how bad things get there is always the possibilty that they will get better if we let them.
You are a well written person with a lot to offer this board, and I, am sure like many others, have benefited from your story. I was so touched that you took the time to tell me about you and your situation. Keep posting, no matter how bad or good you may feel. I know that sometimes it is impossible to believe that there will be better days, believe me I know. Being here and being able to read positive posts from others who suffer from addiction is a reminder that no matter how bad things get there is always the possibilty that they will get better if we let them.
There are just so many days that are just like the previous ones that sometimes I can't help but think this hole is so deep that I have to look up to see the bottom. I really do apologize for expressing all this doom and gloom especially for those people that are looking for some hope when they surf this board. I really am sorry. But I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I live in a town that the only person I know is my wife that I am helping cope with the aftermath of a brain aneurysm so I don't talk to her about my feelings because I do not want to cause her any access worry. Her short term memory has been severely affected. She is only 53 and nothing like she was prior to her ilness. That is why I married her, to help her recover to the best of her ability. So I sure do not want to put my problems on her. Besides I can be trying to tell her how I feel and she will say something that has absolutely nothing to do with what I was talking about and that frustrates me thinking that she has heard nothing I have said. But I can't get mad at her I just walk away. Before I became addicted I had relationships galore and they were all long term . I had known these friends since childhood and high school and none of us used drugs of any kind. We played ball, was active in church and civil clubs and volunteered in the community. My addiction caused me to go a different path. Now I live in an area that i know no one. And even when I do go home to take my ailing mom out to eat I am terrified of running into one of my previous friends. I do not want to hear the question, "What are you doing these days? Where are you working?" I am sure some of you can relate. Well enough for tonight. I am just typing to hear myself think. At least I feel like I have you guys even if I can't relate to my wife or should I say she can't relate to me.
JW
wayne.seivers@comcast.net
JW
wayne.seivers@comcast.net
JW
Saying youve been 10 years feeling miserable on methadone is a whole lot better than 15 or even 20 years feeling like crap being on methadone
You cant take back the 10 years but you can prevent it from becoming 15 or 20 years....
Its never to late to change honey...but you wont change till your good and ready....you sound ready...
Journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step..
You can do this..
Hugs
Ali
Saying youve been 10 years feeling miserable on methadone is a whole lot better than 15 or even 20 years feeling like crap being on methadone
You cant take back the 10 years but you can prevent it from becoming 15 or 20 years....
Its never to late to change honey...but you wont change till your good and ready....you sound ready...
Journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step..
You can do this..
Hugs
Ali
It has been a while since I have posted. I have been on another board trying to get in touch with people who have made the transition from methadone to SUB. I wish I had never opened this post. I made myself cry. My dad will deceased one year this Saturday.
Love
JW
Love
JW
jw
Cancer took my dad August 31-2003. I regret so much that I,his 1st born, the one who has "junior" at the end of my name dissapointed him so much. Caused so much heartache.
However,he never really showed it. He never lost hope. He never disowned me or threw me out of his life in discust.He had to show tough love ,for sure- but I know that was uncomfortable for him.
As the anniversity of his passing comes this month it reminds me of the good times we did have & what a good man he was. He taught me so much about compassion and understanding, that in the cynical world of drugs ,it often helps me deal situations that I would never deal with.
You know, in the end,when I lost most of my friends,and family to untrust and embarrassment, my dad was still there hoping and praying- never treating me like anything but what I was to him> His 1st born son ,that he loved unconditionally- no matter what.
Thanks for helping me remember
still trying to get it right,
much respect-
jack
Dont feel miserable- Im happy right now walking with my head held up--never mind held high!
Cancer took my dad August 31-2003. I regret so much that I,his 1st born, the one who has "junior" at the end of my name dissapointed him so much. Caused so much heartache.
However,he never really showed it. He never lost hope. He never disowned me or threw me out of his life in discust.He had to show tough love ,for sure- but I know that was uncomfortable for him.
As the anniversity of his passing comes this month it reminds me of the good times we did have & what a good man he was. He taught me so much about compassion and understanding, that in the cynical world of drugs ,it often helps me deal situations that I would never deal with.
You know, in the end,when I lost most of my friends,and family to untrust and embarrassment, my dad was still there hoping and praying- never treating me like anything but what I was to him> His 1st born son ,that he loved unconditionally- no matter what.
Thanks for helping me remember
still trying to get it right,
much respect-
jack
Dont feel miserable- Im happy right now walking with my head held up--never mind held high!
CM
Here is the bump I spoke to you about.
JW
Here is the bump I spoke to you about.
JW
To all of you who are about to approach an anniversary of a loved one passing,
God Bless.
JW
God Bless.
JW
