I've been away for about 2 weeks. Coming back the first to things I read was Keekee's progress and Stacy's progress. It helped so much to read those. I actually managed to go 8 days with no lortab, I hadn't gone any longer than 3 days for the past year. I had my scheduled appointmen with the pain management Doc today (God forbid I should miss that) and it's off to the races again. I can't seem to make myself care about anything these days. It's like, what's the point. I'm disgusted with myself about something I did. I house-sat (and dog-sat) for a very good friend of mine. A friend who's done nothing but help me, who is such a good person, who has had such a positive influence on me. I was in the master bath and I admit, I was snooping a little. The first drawer I pulled out had a bottle in it. Of Diladid. 2 mgm. there were 10 of them. The bottle was about 2 years old or so, and they were expired. Did I take them? I didn't even hesitate. One of my very best friends, and I didn't even hesitate. I am such a piece of s***. I hate myself sometimes. I'm just so out of control. These pills totally control me - everything else just falls by the wayside. I read such inspiring stories here and in one way they give me hope, but that little secret voice whispers "thats not going to happen for you" I used to be a person of ethics. I didn't steal. I didn't live a lie. I didn't rip off my friends. Who is this person? It makes me hate me so much and that makes me want to take more pills so I can stand the person I've become - by numbing me to who I've become. It's a vicious cycle and deep down I feel like I'll never get out of it. I've lost too much and I feel like my lifes over. Sorry for such a depressing post after 2 weeks of being gone.
wow your post really hit home with me. With these pills it seems like nothing else matter until i get my refill and then i can go back to being my normal reliable moral self. How shameful is that. Well i am sure you are a good person down deep but am just controlled by these stupid things. I am brand new here and have not taken my last pill either. But that will change soon. I am fed up and am going to have to start feeling better about myself again.
Hey back2me:
I was posting on yours while you were posting on mine! I'd love to talk to you some more. I'm not real computer savy, theres a way for us to talk back and forth easily and quickly. I've seen others do it, but I don't know how, Duh. Do you know how to do that?
I was posting on yours while you were posting on mine! I'd love to talk to you some more. I'm not real computer savy, theres a way for us to talk back and forth easily and quickly. I've seen others do it, but I don't know how, Duh. Do you know how to do that?
hmmm guess what i am not too computer savvy either. But if we could figure it out that would be awesome. I do have instant message is that what you were talking about or is it some chat thing? if you find out just let me know.
Hey:
Maybe we do it just like this. You post, I respond, etc. I don't know. you said you were new to this site, how long have you been checking it out? I'm new too. I've been on only about a month. It's been extremely helpful to me. You have lots of people with a lot of time being clean. They are very helpful, encouraging, lots of positive support. Lot's of just love, from those who've been there, and aren't going to judge. They've been there. Then there are some like me who is still struggling. Ik have to say though, I stumbled onto this forum and it's like a Godsend. How long have you been dealing with this? When is your back surgery? I've been dealing with this problem for years off and on. For the past 2 years though, it's been pretty much on. Jan 19, 2005 - I broke my leg. And then everything went wrong. I was in the hospital for 5 months, I've had 12 operations, and my leg still isn't right. I recently had an x-ray and learned 2 of the screws were broken. I'm afraid I may lose my leg, there's not much else for them to do, they've tried everything. What happened with your back? And just out of curiosity where are you? You don't have to say if you don't want. I'm in Georgia
Maybe we do it just like this. You post, I respond, etc. I don't know. you said you were new to this site, how long have you been checking it out? I'm new too. I've been on only about a month. It's been extremely helpful to me. You have lots of people with a lot of time being clean. They are very helpful, encouraging, lots of positive support. Lot's of just love, from those who've been there, and aren't going to judge. They've been there. Then there are some like me who is still struggling. Ik have to say though, I stumbled onto this forum and it's like a Godsend. How long have you been dealing with this? When is your back surgery? I've been dealing with this problem for years off and on. For the past 2 years though, it's been pretty much on. Jan 19, 2005 - I broke my leg. And then everything went wrong. I was in the hospital for 5 months, I've had 12 operations, and my leg still isn't right. I recently had an x-ray and learned 2 of the screws were broken. I'm afraid I may lose my leg, there's not much else for them to do, they've tried everything. What happened with your back? And just out of curiosity where are you? You don't have to say if you don't want. I'm in Georgia
well this works for me. I have had a problem with pain meds for 4 years now. Way too long. It started with my last c-section and then i didnt start taking them regularly until 2 years ago. I started them for disc problems and arthiritis. I am having an ablation done which i have high hopes for. I dont mind telling you where i am at all. I am in indiana. We are in the process of planning a move which might be helpful in this who knows. I am interested in learning more about you. Are you married or have any children? sorry if you already told me. I am so sorry to hear about your leg. Very scary situation to deal with along with addiction. I am heading to bed here in a few but will be on here tomorrow when the kids are down for a nap in the aftenoon. When do you ususally get on? thanks again for the warm welcome.
Hey:
I'm not really predictable as to when I'm on - I guess usually at night. Or early in the morning. I don't sleep very well, so sometimes I'm on at 3:00 am. Another problem, it isnt my computer or I'd be on a lot more. I've been living with my parents since my accident. I'm 48 years old and staying with your parents at this age is exactly as bad as you're thinking it is. I'm divorced. In 1995 I had twin girls, I was married and living in Houston - 8 years clean from any pain meds. I developed pre-eclampsia which is very dangerous and was hospitalized on bed rest. I had the babies at 30 weeks and 6 days. They had to do an emergency c-section because they thought I was going to stroke out. The babies Courtney and Shelby weighed 2.3 lbs, and 2.12 lbs. They were in neonatial Internsive care. Courtney develped a disease called necrotizing endrocolitis. It was very bad, she had surgery which showed most of her intestines were scar tissue. She lived 5 months and 6 days her whole life in Texas Childrens NICU. Needless to say, it was heartbreaking. Shelby did really well and came home after 5 weeks weighing only 4 lbs!! She was so tiny! But she did fine and grew into a wonderful little girl. My marriage didn't survive. The divorce was nasty and bitter. He had the money, I didn't. We both went after custody. We got joint custody but he was the primary. To make a long story short, the last time I saw her was on her 4th birthday. He took her and disappered. I stayed in Texas for several years trying to find him. I hired an attorney who had a private investigator on it, but nothing. She'll be 12 in Oct and the last time I saw her she was 4. Eventually, I came back to georgia, ironically to 'get back on my feet', so, of couse, thats when I fell and broke my leg See what I mean when I say I lost everything. This is why it is hard for me to even think about quitting, I just don't feel like I have anything left to live for and thats why its hard for me to care. I bet you're sorry you asked! I'm in a down mood today, I'm usually not this bad, I promise!.
I'm not really predictable as to when I'm on - I guess usually at night. Or early in the morning. I don't sleep very well, so sometimes I'm on at 3:00 am. Another problem, it isnt my computer or I'd be on a lot more. I've been living with my parents since my accident. I'm 48 years old and staying with your parents at this age is exactly as bad as you're thinking it is. I'm divorced. In 1995 I had twin girls, I was married and living in Houston - 8 years clean from any pain meds. I developed pre-eclampsia which is very dangerous and was hospitalized on bed rest. I had the babies at 30 weeks and 6 days. They had to do an emergency c-section because they thought I was going to stroke out. The babies Courtney and Shelby weighed 2.3 lbs, and 2.12 lbs. They were in neonatial Internsive care. Courtney develped a disease called necrotizing endrocolitis. It was very bad, she had surgery which showed most of her intestines were scar tissue. She lived 5 months and 6 days her whole life in Texas Childrens NICU. Needless to say, it was heartbreaking. Shelby did really well and came home after 5 weeks weighing only 4 lbs!! She was so tiny! But she did fine and grew into a wonderful little girl. My marriage didn't survive. The divorce was nasty and bitter. He had the money, I didn't. We both went after custody. We got joint custody but he was the primary. To make a long story short, the last time I saw her was on her 4th birthday. He took her and disappered. I stayed in Texas for several years trying to find him. I hired an attorney who had a private investigator on it, but nothing. She'll be 12 in Oct and the last time I saw her she was 4. Eventually, I came back to georgia, ironically to 'get back on my feet', so, of couse, thats when I fell and broke my leg See what I mean when I say I lost everything. This is why it is hard for me to even think about quitting, I just don't feel like I have anything left to live for and thats why its hard for me to care. I bet you're sorry you asked! I'm in a down mood today, I'm usually not this bad, I promise!.
What these pills do to your brain is basically hijack it....morality often gets thrown out the window along with good sense and discipline...this is one big reason why "doing it yourself" doesn't work. Case in point...I have been "tapering" for months. Why the heck am I still on 50-60 mgs a day?Case closed. You need help. Meetings...support.......I am going away in April.Cut the cord..get it over with. For me..it is the only way and I focus on how good it will feel to not thinkof these pills every second. But this time I will atend meetings...a FEW times a week, and see my counselor. And take the steps to keep my back pain and neuropathy at bay. I will probably quit my job if I don't get fired first. It's ok....It will never end if it doesn't end. I wish you both the best. Love, Sharonn
Hey sharon:
I loved the way you described addiction, "it takes your brain and hi-jacks it. That really sums it up. So you have a chronic pain issue too? Your on 50-60 mgs of hydrocodone? Down from how many? How are you doing it? You said something about going to meetings this time, was there another time you quit but didn't go to meetings? So sorry to fire so many questions at you, but your story s wenounds a lot like mine. Any response would help me so much. Like what will you take for your pain when you taper off. How are you getting the courage and determination to stop this? I'km having a real hard time caring about myself enough to quit. I feel like its going to take something really bad to make me stop, and that scares me a lot as I'veb been through a lot of really bad. It's since a constant struggle. You mentioned going somewhere to ge off them completely, are you talking rehab or geographical change. I actually had 8 years clean at one time and I didn't go to meetings much either. I went for maybe the first 3 months, made a few clean friends, then quit going. I stayed in contact with the friends though, and that helped. Believe it or not I got off allll
I loved the way you described addiction, "it takes your brain and hi-jacks it. That really sums it up. So you have a chronic pain issue too? Your on 50-60 mgs of hydrocodone? Down from how many? How are you doing it? You said something about going to meetings this time, was there another time you quit but didn't go to meetings? So sorry to fire so many questions at you, but your story s wenounds a lot like mine. Any response would help me so much. Like what will you take for your pain when you taper off. How are you getting the courage and determination to stop this? I'km having a real hard time caring about myself enough to quit. I feel like its going to take something really bad to make me stop, and that scares me a lot as I'veb been through a lot of really bad. It's since a constant struggle. You mentioned going somewhere to ge off them completely, are you talking rehab or geographical change. I actually had 8 years clean at one time and I didn't go to meetings much either. I went for maybe the first 3 months, made a few clean friends, then quit going. I stayed in contact with the friends though, and that helped. Believe it or not I got off allll
Now, where was I? I got off all opiates, lost 50 lbs, and quit smoking all at the same time. Everyone said don't try to do everything all at once, but I did and for me it worked because everything was connected. I never really got the hang of smoking but I gave it the old college try for about 15 years!! The weight thing was just another addiction so when the opiates went so did the weight. I even started working out, like 5-6 times a week. Where is that girl now? I don't know exactly what started me on that road of recovery, it was weird, one day everything just clicked. As Dr. Phil would say - I had a moment of clarity. And I want it bac. Thanks for listening and II really hope to hear from you again
Going from 100 to 60 wasn't hard...now it's hard so I am checking into detox..I cannot do it alone. I will find an excuse every time to keep using as I have chronic pain. When you stop the opiates...the pain gets better, something I did not believe until I saw how it feeds upon itself. Don't do it alone. Get help.Go to meetings.Tapering usually does not work. Love, Sharonn
Hi Sharon:
Thank you for responding. What do you mean the pain gets better when you remove the opiates? You've tapered from 100 mgs to 60 mgs and are now going to treatment to get off completely? Good for you! Someone told me if I was still using (taking any lortab at all for the pain) I wouldn't be able to find a sponsor and that I wouldn't have much luck in meetings - since I'kam still using. Is that true? I don't know what to do about the pain thing. I just can't take the Lortab as prescribed, I just like it to m\uch. One of pain managements other ideas was to put me on methdone. I don't like that at all. While I probablyt wouledn't abuse it like I do Lortab - AI'm afraid of it. I've heard it's one of the hardest things to get off of, even harder than Herion I've heard and even if your taking it as prescribed. I've gone off and on the lortab without too much trouble, that 3rd day though, gets me every time. I start jonsing and obsessing on that day an usually do something somehow to get some. However, this past week I went 8 days without too much trouble, for real. I havent gone longer than a3 days in a little over a year. On the 9th day was my appointment with the pain management doc,couldn't miss that! But yesterday and today I've been pretty restrictive with them, which isn't usual. Usually, when I go a few days without, when I get them, It's like I double or triple up to catch up. This month's been a little different, i Can't quite put my finger on why. Sometimes I feel like I'km waiting for sobriety to sneak up on me, thats kindof crazy, right? Hope to hear from you again!
Thank you for responding. What do you mean the pain gets better when you remove the opiates? You've tapered from 100 mgs to 60 mgs and are now going to treatment to get off completely? Good for you! Someone told me if I was still using (taking any lortab at all for the pain) I wouldn't be able to find a sponsor and that I wouldn't have much luck in meetings - since I'kam still using. Is that true? I don't know what to do about the pain thing. I just can't take the Lortab as prescribed, I just like it to m\uch. One of pain managements other ideas was to put me on methdone. I don't like that at all. While I probablyt wouledn't abuse it like I do Lortab - AI'm afraid of it. I've heard it's one of the hardest things to get off of, even harder than Herion I've heard and even if your taking it as prescribed. I've gone off and on the lortab without too much trouble, that 3rd day though, gets me every time. I start jonsing and obsessing on that day an usually do something somehow to get some. However, this past week I went 8 days without too much trouble, for real. I havent gone longer than a3 days in a little over a year. On the 9th day was my appointment with the pain management doc,couldn't miss that! But yesterday and today I've been pretty restrictive with them, which isn't usual. Usually, when I go a few days without, when I get them, It's like I double or triple up to catch up. This month's been a little different, i Can't quite put my finger on why. Sometimes I feel like I'km waiting for sobriety to sneak up on me, thats kindof crazy, right? Hope to hear from you again!
Lola, whatever you do stay far far away from methadone. You have a bad lortab addiction and using methadone to recover from that is like killing a fly with a bazooka!
You will get clean when you have had enough...every one's bottom is different. When your sick and tired of the life you don't have...you will seriously seek the aid of a good addiction specialist. You need help, meetings is good place to start. They are free and the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using!
Good luck
You will get clean when you have had enough...every one's bottom is different. When your sick and tired of the life you don't have...you will seriously seek the aid of a good addiction specialist. You need help, meetings is good place to start. They are free and the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using!
Good luck
Hey Lola,
Welcome back! How was the housesitting in Buckhead? Was it fun?
Well, actually, from your posts, I wonder if you are able to have fun right now. The opiates have a way of killing all emotion -- as you know. I don't suffer from chronic pain, but I've heard that it's impossible to judge your actual levels of pain until you are clean and in a strong program of recovery. I know that certainly applied to me with regards to anxiety and emotional pain.
I don't know anything about methadone but everything I've read suggests that you should stay the hell away from it. Can you at least talk to another doctor and get a second opinion before you take such a drastic step? Are there other options for dealing with your leg, like an epidural or something more localized?
Keep posting. And I agree with Kerri that hitting a meeting would be an excellent first step. I think you want to quit but don't know how and in the rooms you might find your answer.
Love,
Gina
Welcome back! How was the housesitting in Buckhead? Was it fun?
Well, actually, from your posts, I wonder if you are able to have fun right now. The opiates have a way of killing all emotion -- as you know. I don't suffer from chronic pain, but I've heard that it's impossible to judge your actual levels of pain until you are clean and in a strong program of recovery. I know that certainly applied to me with regards to anxiety and emotional pain.
I don't know anything about methadone but everything I've read suggests that you should stay the hell away from it. Can you at least talk to another doctor and get a second opinion before you take such a drastic step? Are there other options for dealing with your leg, like an epidural or something more localized?
Keep posting. And I agree with Kerri that hitting a meeting would be an excellent first step. I think you want to quit but don't know how and in the rooms you might find your answer.
Love,
Gina
After awhile your pills will turn on you..the "good feelings" will be just a dulled sensation. You will take a pill because you are sweating and your entire body hurts...mine feel like it's on fire every night. They will tell you when to get up and how to plan your day. God forbid you forget to take them with you if you go out....sad...not being able to function or grocery shop because of withdrawals. Or maybe it isn't that bad. This is the longest I've been on them...they called it "pain management". I have no control over my life, and now, not even my pain. I am depressed...hopeless...sick with withdrawals 70 % of the time and wracked with guilt the other 30%....Fun huh? I have had moments where I thought what a relief death must be. That is not me. Almost a year of it....I am pissed and am taking back my life. As they say...S**T or get off the pot"...that's the best advice I have gotten...otherwise we'll be having this conversation next year. Best of luck, Sharonn
Gina! I was hoping I'd hear from you! The house-sitting (and dog-sitting), wasn't as fun as I'd thought it'd be. The stairs were hell on my leg. The dog "Jolie" a Jack Russell Terrier, was very sweet and loving, but also hyper, plus she had bad (and I mean BAD) gas. So that was wonderful. And she threw up in my car, then ate it. Had an episode of diarehha (sp) on the hard wood floor, turned a roll of toilet paper into confetti. What fun. Also, when I got there the house was kindof in a mess. Not real bad, but...I'm not surprised. This girl goes 100 mph all the time, and certain things fall by the wayside. She has been such a good friend to me - she's the type of friend you call in an emergency. Shes had such a positive influence on me. Unlike another one of my friends. Have you ever hade a friend that the relationship isn't healthy. and she's a negative influence, and she's not really on your side but, hey - she's been a "friend" for 25 years. I think I have an issue with co-dependacy. How are things going with you? I have some questions I want to ask you if you don't mind, but I'm at work and I need to get out of here. Can I try to catch up with you tommorrow?
Sharon! I'm so happy you responded too, I wanted to talk with you some more - can I try to catch up with you tommorrow?
Thanks! I look forward to talking to ya'll more tomorrow!
Sharon! I'm so happy you responded too, I wanted to talk with you some more - can I try to catch up with you tommorrow?
Thanks! I look forward to talking to ya'll more tomorrow!
Lola
I forget, are you in GA???? I'm in Macon.
Stac
I forget, are you in GA???? I'm in Macon.
Stac
Hey JJ:
Yep, I'm your homey. I'm in Lawrenceville, which is north. Kinda by Lake Lanier if that helps. I couldn't remember who I was talking to, who lived in Macon, right before I was gone for 2 weeks - It was you!!! I love Georgia. I lived in Houston for several years (SUCKED) i'm so glad to be back. I had forgotten how pretty Georgia is. And I missed the seasons! No seasonal change in Houston oh, and their roaches are really big and they FLY. I actually think the state bird of Texas is the flying roach. (Heeheehee) I amuse the hell out of myself sometimes. I'm in a goofy mood, pay me no mind. The support on this forum helps me so much. It helps way more than I ever thought it would. I appreciate your responding to me more than you know. I really have no other support system. I kind of live a split personality life. My really good friends, the ones who have positive influences on me - have no idea about the lortab. I mean they know I'm on it, and they know about my leg of course, but they don't realize the degree of my addiction. They don't even know about the addiction at all. They just think it's pain management. These friends aren't alkies or addicts so they have no clue. My other friends however, totallly know, we borrow lortab back and forth, etc These people I guess you'd describe as addicts - but even they aren't as bad as me. One is on pain management too, but she's only prescribed 3 10 mg a day, and THATS ALL SHE TAKES - sometime even less!! But she has the physical dependcy, doesn't seem to have the mental thing like I do. But hey, she's disfunctional in lots of other ways so we get along great! My ex-boyfriend, who's still in my life, has lots of issues - so that way I can focus on that and not deal with my own. Tell me more about yourself. You're the one who went from 100 mg's down to 60 right? Forgive me if I have you confused with someone else, but I thinking it was you, we talked yesterday, right? You're going into treatment to get all the way off, right? You have actual pain issues, right? How will you handle that? How did you get up the motivation to get off? I'm 48 and I actually feel like my life's over. So its like, whats the point? I don't know how to get past that. How do I start careing about myself again? The qualities I liked about myself are gone. My sense of humor - not that I'm all that funny, but I amused the hell out of myself, and I was always laughing. The other is my loyalty to my friends. I don't know that I'm so disloyal now, but it used to mean so much to me and now I'm like whatever. Oh, and a little thing like my morals are gone. Again, thanks for responding, I hope to talk to you more foday I'm working today at the same property I was at yesterday, so I can spend all day on the computer!.
Yep, I'm your homey. I'm in Lawrenceville, which is north. Kinda by Lake Lanier if that helps. I couldn't remember who I was talking to, who lived in Macon, right before I was gone for 2 weeks - It was you!!! I love Georgia. I lived in Houston for several years (SUCKED) i'm so glad to be back. I had forgotten how pretty Georgia is. And I missed the seasons! No seasonal change in Houston oh, and their roaches are really big and they FLY. I actually think the state bird of Texas is the flying roach. (Heeheehee) I amuse the hell out of myself sometimes. I'm in a goofy mood, pay me no mind. The support on this forum helps me so much. It helps way more than I ever thought it would. I appreciate your responding to me more than you know. I really have no other support system. I kind of live a split personality life. My really good friends, the ones who have positive influences on me - have no idea about the lortab. I mean they know I'm on it, and they know about my leg of course, but they don't realize the degree of my addiction. They don't even know about the addiction at all. They just think it's pain management. These friends aren't alkies or addicts so they have no clue. My other friends however, totallly know, we borrow lortab back and forth, etc These people I guess you'd describe as addicts - but even they aren't as bad as me. One is on pain management too, but she's only prescribed 3 10 mg a day, and THATS ALL SHE TAKES - sometime even less!! But she has the physical dependcy, doesn't seem to have the mental thing like I do. But hey, she's disfunctional in lots of other ways so we get along great! My ex-boyfriend, who's still in my life, has lots of issues - so that way I can focus on that and not deal with my own. Tell me more about yourself. You're the one who went from 100 mg's down to 60 right? Forgive me if I have you confused with someone else, but I thinking it was you, we talked yesterday, right? You're going into treatment to get all the way off, right? You have actual pain issues, right? How will you handle that? How did you get up the motivation to get off? I'm 48 and I actually feel like my life's over. So its like, whats the point? I don't know how to get past that. How do I start careing about myself again? The qualities I liked about myself are gone. My sense of humor - not that I'm all that funny, but I amused the hell out of myself, and I was always laughing. The other is my loyalty to my friends. I don't know that I'm so disloyal now, but it used to mean so much to me and now I'm like whatever. Oh, and a little thing like my morals are gone. Again, thanks for responding, I hope to talk to you more foday I'm working today at the same property I was at yesterday, so I can spend all day on the computer!.
