Hi to all
In 1996 I began a 5 year prison sentence for heroin offences, even in prison I dabbled, losing remmission causing me to serve 4 years 3 months of that five years. I was lucky in getting out in December 1999 in time for the millenium, within 6 months bang at it again and this time, if caught would be looking at a prison sentence of double figures. In 2004 I was 2 years away from my 50th with a sh**ty life behind me, I said to myself 'what a waster I am the why am I on this planet)? I swore to myself that despite many attempts before I will really try and give it one more go and if I fail again I would o/d myself, I was never a person for doing or thinking about suicide but this time I felt I meant it.
I went to my local drug clinic to sign on and this time I felt different I was really sick and tired of being sick and tired, within a couple of months I was started on the dreaded meth script I didn't have a choice as thats what they wanted me to do so I put myself in their hands. I wanted to do this in my home town because my family live here and I would have to face coming back one day. One problem was that I dealt to pay for my habit so I was well known, my flat was an address known for getting heroin from so I had a lot of issues to sort out.
I began the meth rising to 95mls trying to get my life stable, I have fantastic family support everyone has always been there for me but they are a lot more wise to my tricks and promised to be as hard on me as needed but still supportive. I was allocated a keyworker (Christine) I met with her every 2 weeks and could contact her anytime if needed. I live in the UK and I do know how lucky we are here with free treatment etc, when I read about you guys in other countries who have to pay for their medication, doctors fees and everything else I don't think I could pass that first hurdle.
I've never been a church goer or pray for help but someone was on my side because the local council re-housed me which I really needed as I would still have people calling to my flat. I was given a beautiful bungalow with gardens on a nice estate, it was newly decorated and when I first looked at it I cried 'tears of joy'. I had to stop mixing with other users and for many years they were the only people I knew but I kept quiet about my address, it was pretty lonely in the first year as I had forgotten how to make friends and socialise and I put my heart and soul into making my bungalow a real home.
Things were going great I kept thinking that I would wake up and it was all a dream, it was tough as it is easy to do something but to not do something takes effort every single day. I was always tired with a feeling of not wanting to do anything i thought maybe I'm just lazy or was it the meth, getting up in the morning was a trial but life was turning around, I slowly paid all my debts up and i was paying my bills, gas/electric/etc even my TV licence. Last year I started reducing my meth, by November down to 30mls and many clean urine tests under my belt I was also allowed to take my prescription away with me 3 times a week. I was ready to change over to subutex and that is what I did on November 15th I had a pretty rough week but got through it, I started on 16mls.
Today I'm on 12mls, never given a positive sample and on twice weekly pick-up from the chemist. A month ago I got a beautiful white Labrador, she is fantastic company I've alway wanted a dog but wanted to ensure I was able to look after one, so things should be great BUT this is where the trouble has started I still always feel lethargic all the time and when I used to take heroin it seemed to give me some sort of energy boost, I was never one for sitting comatised I was always on the move and last Sunday stopped taking the sub with the intent of having a chase, I was telling myself' 'just for a day off', oe day of not trying now its 3 days later and I've done about 10 bags, this morning I was ill with w/d and that was a shock because it has been such a long time since I had been in w/d, now I'm terrified to take my subs in case I go into full w/d's my head is all over the place I'm scared to ring my keyworker as I feel so ashamed of letting everyone down(and myself), I just want to curl up and die, what a damm fool I am my head says take my sub but my body in fear it sounds so stupid and I feel the hole getting bigger and bigger.
This is the only site I look at regarding addiction as I rate it and the people very high, so any comments would be a godsend.
Thanks
Peter
Peter if you give yourself a good say 8 hours after you have used gear then go back on your subitex you should be ok!! Its only normally say 3 hours but if you give yourself that little bit longer then you know your gonna be ok and not get them dreaded withdrawels.
You have done so well. You had a little set back but you have done the right thing to look on this site to get help and support and the sooner you get into your programme the better.
Dont be ashamed of yourself because setbacks happen to us all. I know only to well about that. I aint an addict myself but I live with one and lets just say he has been trying to get clean for a good few months now and am sick of hearing him say he is sick and tired of it all till the next morning comes and he makeshis excuses to go get a bag so to me you have done so well and I say get back into it and keep it up. 11 bags is better than however many you would of had, had you not stuck to your programme for this long.
Keep it up, stay strong and come here if you ever need any support or advise.
Lynds xxx
You have done so well. You had a little set back but you have done the right thing to look on this site to get help and support and the sooner you get into your programme the better.
Dont be ashamed of yourself because setbacks happen to us all. I know only to well about that. I aint an addict myself but I live with one and lets just say he has been trying to get clean for a good few months now and am sick of hearing him say he is sick and tired of it all till the next morning comes and he makeshis excuses to go get a bag so to me you have done so well and I say get back into it and keep it up. 11 bags is better than however many you would of had, had you not stuck to your programme for this long.
Keep it up, stay strong and come here if you ever need any support or advise.
Lynds xxx
Peter, I'm no heroin expert, but I do know about caseworkers and you really should tell her - that's her job and she's heard it all by now. Give her a chance to support your struggle, you need her help now more than ever. Don't let this become a slope you can't climb back up after all your hard work. God bless you (and your pup who needs you) - I'll be thinking of you tonight. Please check back in.
~:~MomNMore~:~
~:~MomNMore~:~
Peter,
You're going through it bad.......I'm so sorry and ya must be feeling like s*it in and out........right now ya got to worry bout the outside, and getting past the sickness, right.........which sounds like ya are doing........I know squat about subbies...........sorry.........somebody else will, but I hear ya with the fear.
You ain't needing that withdrawl crashing worse on ya.
The inside though Peter.........every single solitary one of us here messed up......stepped off........went back out........there's no shame in it......cause you're gonna pick yourself right back up........and now ya know.......one is ten.
Get sick........and guilt ridden......ya need not be.......drop that guilt like a sack of bricks...........honestly.........you're human.........and look at all the great things you have done...........all you have accomplished.
Look at that black hole and say nope it ain't swallowing me........cause I got my puppy to care for.............and I'm Peter.........a fine person without heroin.
Not sure how your caseworkers are there, Peter........but just look at your track record how good you've done..........they have seen it all.......they're trained to know how this works, Peter...........that's their job........as long as she/he can't get ya in trouble with your program then hella yeah tell........in my opinion anyway.......might as well be honest cause that's well that's IT!
We all done did this, Peter..........the trick is.........the important part.......ya caught it and you are done........ready to go back to your good life.
Please tell us how you are.......I'm so sorry if it didn't help and hoping some subbies kind of people will be on..........it's going to be alright.....hope ya feel a little better physically too......you're almost through it sounds like.....I so feel for ya, man........you know it passes though.......it'll pass.
You're going through it bad.......I'm so sorry and ya must be feeling like s*it in and out........right now ya got to worry bout the outside, and getting past the sickness, right.........which sounds like ya are doing........I know squat about subbies...........sorry.........somebody else will, but I hear ya with the fear.
You ain't needing that withdrawl crashing worse on ya.
The inside though Peter.........every single solitary one of us here messed up......stepped off........went back out........there's no shame in it......cause you're gonna pick yourself right back up........and now ya know.......one is ten.
Get sick........and guilt ridden......ya need not be.......drop that guilt like a sack of bricks...........honestly.........you're human.........and look at all the great things you have done...........all you have accomplished.
Look at that black hole and say nope it ain't swallowing me........cause I got my puppy to care for.............and I'm Peter.........a fine person without heroin.
Not sure how your caseworkers are there, Peter........but just look at your track record how good you've done..........they have seen it all.......they're trained to know how this works, Peter...........that's their job........as long as she/he can't get ya in trouble with your program then hella yeah tell........in my opinion anyway.......might as well be honest cause that's well that's IT!
We all done did this, Peter..........the trick is.........the important part.......ya caught it and you are done........ready to go back to your good life.
Please tell us how you are.......I'm so sorry if it didn't help and hoping some subbies kind of people will be on..........it's going to be alright.....hope ya feel a little better physically too......you're almost through it sounds like.....I so feel for ya, man........you know it passes though.......it'll pass.
Hey Peter, your story was very touching to me. I know a little where your coming from. I'm 2 years clean totally off methadone as of late December 2005. I can relate to the feelings of being loney depressed and stuff. EVERY friend I had was a addict of some sort... I had to cut everyone out of my life. I had to relocate I lost my children. I spent some time living totally alone for the 1st time in my life while on methadone trying to get myself stright. I'm in the USA I had to fully pay out of pocket for treatment I could not keep up my apartment + my methadone so I detoxed way before i was ready. EVEN NOW still after 2 years being off I get insane cravings to use.
No need to be ashamed you had a laspe it's a common thing. I tried several times to kick it before this last time that i've stayed off.
Half the time i'm fighting to keep doing the right thing the other half i'm planing out ways to score dope it's a real mental challange to STAY off.
COMING to this board is the only outside help I get I don't have a counslor or so to meetings I've stayed sober Alone "no family support" and a fiance who shutters if i utter a word about Heroin he likes to pretend I never was a junkie.
Anyway just wanted to let you know it's really HARD on every addict to kick it.
IT CAN BE KICKED you know that you done it before!. Keep in touch let everyone here know how your doing people are here who care and who know where your coming from. Dog are awsome company getting one was a wise choice.
No need to be ashamed you had a laspe it's a common thing. I tried several times to kick it before this last time that i've stayed off.
Half the time i'm fighting to keep doing the right thing the other half i'm planing out ways to score dope it's a real mental challange to STAY off.
COMING to this board is the only outside help I get I don't have a counslor or so to meetings I've stayed sober Alone "no family support" and a fiance who shutters if i utter a word about Heroin he likes to pretend I never was a junkie.
Anyway just wanted to let you know it's really HARD on every addict to kick it.
IT CAN BE KICKED you know that you done it before!. Keep in touch let everyone here know how your doing people are here who care and who know where your coming from. Dog are awsome company getting one was a wise choice.
Hi To All
I have just read your replies as I went to bed after writing my post because my head was pounding. The advice and support from you all was just what I needed, getting it off my chest was helpful. Before going to bed tonight I will take my sub and I will tell my k/worker when I see her on Wednesday, when I started this de-tox I promised myself to be honest and give myself totally to the programme, since Aug 2005 I have seen my k/worker every 2 weeks and never missed an appointment.
I wanted to write a long reply of thanks to you all but I'm feeling very emotional by your response, so a BIG thank you all
I have just read your replies as I went to bed after writing my post because my head was pounding. The advice and support from you all was just what I needed, getting it off my chest was helpful. Before going to bed tonight I will take my sub and I will tell my k/worker when I see her on Wednesday, when I started this de-tox I promised myself to be honest and give myself totally to the programme, since Aug 2005 I have seen my k/worker every 2 weeks and never missed an appointment.
I wanted to write a long reply of thanks to you all but I'm feeling very emotional by your response, so a BIG thank you all
